Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[locomutt]

Jim,
You are younger than me; and: I've had that problem for years[:D][}:)]
More than you want to know about[:D]

[tree68]

Jim, I can SO identify with that. In fact, <answers phone> <sets phone down, searches for a document on computer><prints document><walks to network printer across room to get printed document><answers question for co-worker, sets document down, helps find item in storeroom><feels urge, heads for rest room>[#dots]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Warning to post above your PC:

Alles Lookenspeepers:
Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights!

I do know some German,but Larry are sure that's: not LURKENPEEPERS[?][:D][}:)]

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Warning to post above your PC:

Alles Lookenspeepers:
Das computenmachine is nicht fur gerfingerpoken and mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit das spitzsparken. Is nicht fur gewerken by das dumkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen der hands in das pockets.
Relaxen und watch das blinkenlights!

I do know some German,but Larry are sure that's: not LURKENPEEPERS[?][:D][}:)]

You know, you're probably right! [:D]

[tree68]

In Jim's honor - some airplane humor:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to makethe "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane..."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

[Noah Hofrichter]

Larry, I haven't laughed like this in Months, THANK YOU!! I got to print the page out and show it to my Dad, he'll love it, especially the Beer ones.

Jim, ditto on the laughing thing. THANK YOU!! Your Narative sounded like my Dad.

Noah

[Noah Hofrichter]

mikeygaw, Any more of those things Like "the Duel"? that is really good.

Noah

[Mikeygaw]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Noah Hofrichter

mikeygaw, Any more of those things Like "the Duel"? that is really good.

Noah

nothing like that at the moment, but do have a few good ones...

An old man went to the Wizard to ask him if he could remove a curse he had been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard said, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
"The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records

[tree68]

More From the Archives:

Snippets of Life

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments (or credit card....)

12. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

13. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

19. Don't squat with your spurs on.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

[locomutt]

A young 'lady' walked into a 'Fabric' store one day,and said
she needed 'curtains for her computer'
The person at the 'Fabric' store said 'computers don't need curtains,
The young lady replied,"DUH,they've got Windows"

Need I say more[?][:D]

[tree68]

POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS OF INDICATING STUPIDITY:
A few clowns short of a circus.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
He's missing a microchip
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than
most.
Several cards short of a full deck

[mudchicken]

Larry:

PLease add: Just a couple bubbles out of plumb. (If you are a mudchicken/surveyor or a carpenter, it makes perfect sense.)

[:-^][:-^][:-^]

[espeefoamer]

One more: The trolley pole doesn't quite reach the wire.[:)]

[locomutt]

Larry,

Try 7 cans shy of a 6 pack.[:D]

[tree68]

Performance Evaluation Quotes

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

And one we can all identify with:

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

[locomutt]

"Show me a congressman who attends every Black-Tie affair
in Washington,and I'll show you YOUR Tux Dollars at work"[:D]

[Noah Hofrichter]

That's a good one locomutt, and so true too!

Noah

[vsmith]

Add this one...

The Amish were there, but no one raised a Barn...

[tree68]

Well, Tuesday is my Monday, so here you go:

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN.....
* -- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
* -- You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
* -- The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
* -- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
* -- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
* -- Your children's school calls to surrender.
* -- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
* -- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
* -- Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
* -- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
* -- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,plastic.

[locomutt]

I hope this one does not offend anyone. If so, I'm sorry.

You might be "redneck"
If Your baby's first words were:
"ATTENTION: K-MART SHOPPERS"

[tree68]

For your Hump Day amusement:

Classified Ads
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

[zardoz]

With all due politically-correct respect to our freinds from that wonderful county France...

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans.. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else;
he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.


And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong female dog out the window."

[zardoz]

A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so the next time they go the doctor for a checkup, they ask the doc for advice. She tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going? "

"To the kitchen," he replies.

She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

The husband says, "Sure."

She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm CERTAIN you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!"

He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "I TOLD you to write it down – you forgot my toast?"

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

For your Hump Day amusement:

Classified Ads
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

Larry,
that was great,especially the one about the bedroom suite.I'm not sure I would want anybody standing behind for 6 months(or any time for that matter)

As for the government employer,DUH![:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt



As for the government employer,DUH![:D]

HEYYYYYYY

[vsmith]

Zardoz, in the same vein as your last post...

A neat little story...

Two elderly couples were relaxing one evening after sharing a dinner.
The two ladies go back the kitchen to talk while the two elderly men
retreat to the living room to talk.

The first old man says. " You know, we had dinner last week at a great little restaurant,
the food was good, and the service was great."

"Well, whats it called?" asked the other old man.

The first old man puzzled at the question then said.
"Whats the name of that flower, you know its one most people know of ?"

"What, like a Daisy?" chimed the second old man.

"No" said the first, "It has a scent that people like..."

"How about a Carnation?' offered the second old man.

"NO, thats not it!" huffed the first old man, "you know, it has thorns.."

"Oh! a Rose!" said the second old man triumphantly.

"Yeah, thats it, Rose..." Then he turns around and yells,

"HEY ROSE! ...WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT PLACE WE ATE AT LAST WEEK !"

[vsmith]

See,

I told Ya'all that AntiGates "George W action figure" would get blown off the forum asap pronto...should have put it here with a disclaimer that only rabid Democrates should view it and that viewing by Republicans could cause high blood pressure!

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

See,

I told Ya'all that AntiGates "George W action figure" would get blown off the forum asap pronto...should have put it here with a disclaimer that only rabid Democrates should view it and that viewing by Republicans could cause high blood pressure!

THANK YOU!!!!!! (although I'm not sure about B.P.)[:D]

[Anonymous]

Okay, a word of advice when in a dream... Railroads "those trains uncouple when you say 'lookathetrain!' answer just be quiet and watch the train! No. 2 "You find yourself cleaning a bathroom or in the bathroom when the door behind you disapear" Answer go to the nearest window and jump but if the bathroom has no windows your screwed! wheres Albert Hichcock when you need him? No.3 " DAN!? I SEE A TOILET IN THE LIVINGROOM!?" Answer "RING!!! my alarm was set OH thank goodness that 'Toilet' almost had me![(-D][zzz][xx(][B)] No.4 you find yourself stuck in a very sticky situation ex. someone or something chases you or your in a corner with a Union Pacific (C) sheld Answer swing, swing , SWING until you hit something when you wake up [zzz][B)][:D] I'm sorry but thats what happens when i'm cleaning too many cemicals [xx(][alien][X-)][:-^]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Lone Byrd

Okay, a word of advice when in a dream... Railroads "those trains uncouple when you say 'lookathetrain!' answer just be quiet and watch the train! No. 2 "You find yourself cleaning a bathroom or in the bathroom when the door behind you disapear" Answer go to the nearest window and jump but if the bathroom has no windows your screwed! wheres Albert Hichcock when you need him? No.3 " DAN!? I SEE A TOILET IN THE LIVINGROOM!?" Answer "RING!!! my alarm was set OH thank goodness that 'Toilet' almost had me![(-D][zzz][xx(][B)] No.4 you find yourself stuck in a very sticky situation ex. someone or something chases you or your in a corner with a Union Pacific (C) sheld Answer swing, swing , SWING until you hit something when you wake up [zzz][B)][:D] I'm sorry but thats what happens when i'm cleaning too many cemicals [xx(][alien][X-)][:-^]

I haven't actually had that 'Dream' yet.
But have thought about putting refridgerator in livingroom.
NOW toliet,I ain't sure about[:D]