Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

See,

I told Ya'all that AntiGates "George W action figure" would get blown off the forum asap pronto...should have put it here with a disclaimer that only rabid Democrates should view it and that viewing by Republicans could cause high blood pressure!

I figured the Grinch would axe it too; that's why I saved both of those sites to my favorites.

Vic--it's amazing how great minds think alike! [;)]

[tree68]

Murphy's Laws Of Computing

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.

To err is human... To blame your computer for your mistakes is more than human, it's downright natural.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

[Noah Hofrichter]

This a true story, heard and saw it on a Duck tour I took today.

The duck operator/tour guide was driving along one of the paths that the ducks take. when he stopped where we could see a small dam. He said somethign fairly close to the following:

"We stopped here by this dam so you could see this great photo oportunity. I consider myself a dam expert, so if you have any dam questions ask away and you can take all the dam pictures you want."

Explaining, a Duck is a amphibious vehicle that was used in WWII and a few of them are now used for rides in the Wisconsin Dells area.

Noah

[CShaveRR]

Oh, that duck operator really quacks me up!

[zardoz]

Noah,

That was dam funny!
[:o)]

(c'mon, if I hadn't said it, someone else would have)

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Noah,

That was dam funny!
[:o)]

(c'mon, if I hadn't said it, someone else would have)

Zardoz, you're right: I'm surprised locomutt didn't say it[:0]

[CShaveRR]

I'm even more surprised that when the discussion was taken to the outhouse a while back (with the flashlights) that nobody mentioned the behavior of these freaks when a full moon appeared!

[Anonymous]

We all "joked" about this months ago but I ran across it lately so I include it today for the "historical" value. [:)]


In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem...how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations.

However, if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

[tree68]

How do these people survive?

ONE - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Matt wants the fries) [:D]

TWO - The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was hopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing ! to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

FIVE - Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. "What do I do, just use copier machine paper" the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened.
He told me that The driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT - Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

[JoeKoh]

Well yesterday matt and I went to Deshler and met some fine folks.Now you UP employees check the toilet paper supply in your locomotives.A csx engineer tried to throw a roll of TP at us but he affectively tped his own(actually one of your locos).we'll see if ours and our new friends pics turn out!
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

When I was growing up in Solon, Ohio, a freind of my brother lived with his mother in an apartment across the street from the supermarket. One day, his mother gave him a $20 and told him to go across the street to buy some steaks. Being a somewhat dishonest character, he figured he'll steal the steaks and pocket the $20. So, he went to the store, found some nice steaks and stuffed them in his jacket and walked out. Once he was outside he realised he forgot to get some A-1 steak sauce. So, he went back inside to get some. When the manager saw him, he called the cops and he was arrested.

The next day his picture was on the front page of the Solon Times with the headline "DON'T FORGET THE A-1" !!!!!

[locomutt]

jrupprert,

Kinda gives a 'new' meaning to the A-1 commericial[:D]
"Yeah, its that importent"[:D]

[vsmith]

Well here we go....the BIG 2000 post.....[:O]

I dont put too much into these stars, might make some people think I actaully KNOW something, which we all know I dont...[D)]

And to prove it, heres my Favorite (and only) Star Trek joke...


What does the Starship Enterprise and a roll of Toilet Paper have in common?










They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons!

[alien][alien][alien][alien][alien]




..See I told ya'all I aint that sharp...[:D][%-)][X-)][(-D][:-,][#wstupid][zzz][:-^]

[dharmon]

DUUUUUDE ..............Congrats....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

[Noah Hofrichter]

I too say congrats, and a nice joke to go on too.

Noah

[locomutt]

Vic,

Congrats on 2,000[tup] [^]

And as far as the joke, still LMAO [:D][8D]

Uh, be careful,Mookie might send you to the couch[:D][}:)]

[espeefoamer]

They tipped the USA on end,and all the nuts and flakes landed in California.[sigh]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Oh, that duck operator really quacks me up!

Is it the "duck"operator that "quacks you up" OR........................................[?][:D][}:)]

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer

They tipped the USA on end,and all the nuts and flakes landed in California.[sigh]

I HONESTLY assume that you are not one of them.[:D]

Are they Corn Flakes,or Grape Nuts[?][:D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer

They tipped the USA on end,and all the nuts and flakes landed in California.[sigh]

Maybe so, but I'll bet you don't know who said that famous qoute?

Care to guess?[:o)][;)][:p][xx(][:0][^]

[Mikeygaw]

proof that bureaucracies never die...

US Railroads

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet,
8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English
expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the

pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and
tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing!

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would
break
on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the
spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and
England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to
match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were

made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel
spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is
derive from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war
chariot. And may the bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done
it that way and wonder what horse's *** came up with that, you may be
exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just
wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two
big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These
are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at
their factory in Utah. The engineerswho designed the SRBs would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped
by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in
the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is
slightly wider than the
railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as
wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's

most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand
years
ago by the width of a Horse's ***.

And you thought being a Horse's *** was not important??

[tree68]

New Corporate Mergers in the Making:

Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called
Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler Bakers: New company will be
called Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business
Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

3M & Goodyear: mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants: Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm and National Organization for Women: Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: ZipAudi Do-Da

[Noah Hofrichter]

That's a good one!!! I love it!

Noah

[cherokee woman]

Yes, Larry,

You got a good one there: any more like it?

[tree68]

Sure CW, but the pot is getting low...

For those of you who never saw the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson
in our history of the 1930s and 1940s. Before the Interstates, when everyone
drove the old
2-lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in
farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs,
about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line couplet ... and
the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.


DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING

BROTHER SPEEDER,
LET'S REHEARSE;
ALL TOGETHER,
GOOD MORNING NURSE

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND LOTS MORE STEER

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED HIM TO
A WARMER HEMISPHERE



AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL NEW CAR
WASN'T IT?

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW



THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE

[cherokee woman]

Larry,

Another great one!! Thanks.

[Noah Hofrichter]

I agree, I like those burma shave signs. Those are pretty good alright.

Noah

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

[
Knott NOW!

sounds like bed time at our house [:0]

[espeefoamer]

THE GATES WERE DOWN
BUT SIMON HAY
DECIDED TO HIS SORROW
TO CROSS UPON THE RIGHT OF WAY
HIS FUNERAL IS TOMORROW[:(]

[Noah Hofrichter]

Ho Ho Hee, I love that one. That's part of the reason I love somming to this thread is I know I'll always get a laugh. It really helps me relax sometimes.

Noah