Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Kev Mac Man [:p] (or some of our other Canadian Friends) [:)]

Hey, sometime in the near future would you check into what military units the Canadians have serving with the efforts overseas to restore freedome. I personally would like to send them something too to show my support and thankfulness for their help. Hopefully some others will do.

If someone can provide a link like the one I listed for the American troops but for the Canadian troops it would be helpful. THANKS [:)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Humor Paper [}:)]


Today I am going to post a link that was emailed to me. I don't have time now to take a long look at the site but just a short look seems interesting to me.

I hope this is a site where you can email soldiers in the field and let them know how much you support them. I thought about making this a seperate thread but was afraid it would turn political. I believe we could all use a little break from the "political field" since several of the threads lately have turned into free for alls over politics.

If you would like to email our soldiers then check out the site and see what it says it do. I will, but it will be later when I can get to it. This is something I have wanted to do for a while but I just didn't know how to go about it.

Please forget about the politics and remembers the soldiers are our brother sand sisters, fathers and mothers, aunts and uncles, counsins, friends, etc. I am sure a little encouragement from home would make them feel wanted and welcome.

http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/

Jim,

Pretty cool. There is a lady who lives down the street from me who started a project to help the troops. Her son wanted an Air Conditioner so his mom sent one (to Iraq). He loved it so much he asked for more (joking) she took it and ran with it. She got Home Depot involved and the local community and sent more back to the troops. She has since expanded the items. Pretty cool stuff.

Attached below is a link to the website showing what they are doing and how you can help.

http://www.operationac.com/dw_pages/shipping.htm

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday [:D]


>
> > You know, I've never been much for shopping
> > In fact I try to stay away from town
> > Except when shipping time comes,
> > I ain't easily found.
> >
> > But the day came when I had to go
> > And I left the kids with ma
> > But before I left she asked me,
> > "Would you pick me up a bra?"
> >
> > Without thinkin' I said "sure,"
> > How tough could that job be?
> > I bent down and kissed her
> > And said, "I'll be back by three."
> >
> > Well, when I done the things I needed
> > I started to regret
> > Ever offering to buy that thing,
> > I was working up a sweat.
> >
> > I crossed the street to the ladies shop
> > With my hat pulled over my eyes,
> > I wasn't takin' any chances
> > On bein' recognized.
> >
> > I walked right up to the sales clerk
> > I didn't hem or haw
> > I told the lady right straight out,
> > "Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
> >
> > From behind I heard some snickers
> > So I turned around to see
> > At least fifteen women in the store
> > And they's all gawkin' at me!
> >
> > "What kind would you be looking for?"
> > "Well," I just scratched my head
> > I'd only seen one kind before
> > "Thought bras was bras," I said.
> >
> > She gives me a disgusted look
> > "Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
> > And like a dog, I tagged along.
> >
> > She took me down this alley
> > Where bras was on display
> > Well I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
> > When I seen that lingerie.
> >
> > They had all these different styles
> > That I'd not seen before
> > I thought that I'd go crazy
> > 'fore I left that women's store.
> >
> > They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
> > And bras that cross your heart
> > There was bras that lift and separate,
> > And that was just the start.
> >
> > They had bras that made you feel
> > Like you weren't wearing one at all
> > And bras that you can train in
> > When you start off when you're small.
> >
> > Well I finally make my mind up
> > Picked a black and lacy one
> > I told the lady,
> > "Bag it up," And figured I was done.
> >
> > But then she asked me for the size.
> > I didn't hesitate.
> > I knew them measurements by heart,
> > "Six and seven eighths."
> >
> > "Six and seven eighths, well sir,
> > That really isn't right."
> > "Oh yes ma'am, I'm positive,
> > I just measured them last night."
> >
> > I thought that she'd go into shock,
> > Musta took her by surprise
> > When I told her that my wife's bust
> > Was the same as my hat size.
> >
> > "That's what I use to measure with,
> > I figured it was fair
> > But If I'm wrong I'm sorry ma'am."
> > This drew another stare.
> >
> > By now a crowd had gathered
> > And they's all crackin' up
> > When the lady asked to see my hat,
> > To measure for the cup.
> >
> > When she finally had it figured
> > I gave the gal her pay
> > I turned to leave the store,
> > Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
> >
> > My wife heard the whole story
> > 'fore I ever made it home
> > She'd talked to fifteen women
> > Who'd called her on the phone.
> >
> > She was still a-laughin'
> > But by then I didn't care
> > Now she don't ask and I don't shop
> > For no more women's underwear.


Folks, I usually clean up the ">", but I am just too tired this morning. Sorry. [B)]

[Mookie]

A very wise husband!

[Anonymous]

Vic and Ed, I think alll of your jokes wewre vey good!!

LOL

Your gonna die!!!

LOL

[Anonymous]

I mine as well join Ed and Vic... So I might be next to get kicked out..

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public speaking in Florida.

After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns to Laura and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of the airplane and make a person happy?"

Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of the airplane and make two people happy?"

George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know what I'll do! I'll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and make five people happy!"

The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why don't you both jump out of the airplane and make the whole damn world happy?!"

[Anonymous]

One more joke for today.



Today's Story

My father-in-law had asked for a telephone on several
occasions after the phone companies began
concentrating on servicing the rural areas in the mid
to late 50's, but on each occasion his name and
address had been taken and placed on the telephone
companies waiting list for the very next phone when an
opening became available. After a couple of years of
waiting for a phone he told his wife one day he was
going to town and get a phone.

While he was in town on this particular day he went by
the phone company and was again told he would be
placed on their list for the very next available phone
in his area. On this day my father-in-law told the
phone company employee he was going to make an opening
when he returned home.

Naturally, the phone company employee wanted to know
how my father-in-law thought he could make an opening,
when they did not have an opening.

The reply from my father-in-law was, Well you know
those twelve to fifteen telephone poles which go
across my cotton field that I have been plowing around
for the past many years, when I get home I intend to
cut them down and burn them so I can plow straight
rows of cotton in the future.

The phone company service person was installing a new
telephone at his home when my father-in-law returned
from town that afternoon.

~ James N.

[Anonymous]

Ok now i have one... it's kinda bad.. but oh well

A telegram man arrives at a persons house, the sleepy man answers the door, to which the telegraph man sais, i'm Sorry sir... this telegram-

The sleepy guy cuts him off and says, YES! i've always wanted a singing telegram!

The telegram man responds, well this isn't a singing tellegram

The sleepy man now angry told the guy.. your Going to sing my damn tellegram now!!!

So sarcasticly the telegram man starts... clapping and going Da-da-da-da-da

he goes on for about a minute

da-da-da-da-da-da clapping and whistlting ..da..da.da..da..da..d.a.d.a..da.aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Your Family's dead.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ok now i have one... it's kinda bad.. but oh well

[#dots]
Your Family's dead.

Hmmmmm... Perverse, yet somehow appropriate for Friday the 13th...

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ok now i have one... it's kinda bad.. but oh well

[#dots]
Your Family's dead.

Hmmmmm... Perverse, yet somehow appropriate for Friday the 13th...

GRRR Wong tong soup! I KNEW I should have saved it until tommorow to tell that one...

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season [:o)]


Today's issue (lol) deals with cooking. Sometimes I have issues with cooking. [:D]
I had an aunt in St. Louis who said she couldn't even boil water. Can you say KFC? [:)]





"Economists report that a college education adds many
thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income #8212;
which he then spends sending his son or daughter to
college." Bill Vaughan



Straganoff Anyone?

The daughter of a friend of ours is attending college
several hundred miles from home and neither she nor
her roommate are very good cooks.

One night she called her mother because they were
planning to make beef stroganoff but the recipe called
for sour cream and they didn't have any#8212;they wanted to
know if it would work ok if they used yogurt. Her
mother said they were very similar and it would
probably be okay.

A few days later she was talking to her daughter again
and asked her how the stroganoff was and she said not
very good, it tasted sort of strawberry.




Cooking Lesson # 1

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law
received a hand mixer from his mother because of his
fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she
asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying
all over the kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did
you cook the potatoes first?"

To which a suprized Terry responded, "You have to cook
the potatoes first?"

To this day, I still get a chuckle thinking about
Terry chasing potatoes around his kitchen with a hand
mixer.

~Martin P.

[Anonymous]

And Jim...

I can't even boil water either

Well i can, But the fire department is starting to chrage for appearences now...

[cherokee woman]

Anybody can boil water: you just have to remember NOT to let the pan boil DRY.
Otherwise, you've got a burnt pan on hand. And burnt pans are HARD AS h*** to clean.[8] It has happened to me before[:(]

[Anonymous]

About 2 weeks ago I started a pan of water on the stove and got on the computer. My how times flies when you are on the computer. [:0] Naturally I forgot about the pan until I smelled something "hot". Now I have a pan that is not the same color as the rest of the set. [B)]

Lesson of the Day:

Don't type (computer) and cook. [}:)] [;)]

[Mikeygaw]

if i can't stick it in the microwave, i can't cook it

[Anonymous]

Yeah, i'll pretty much drink to that, Mikey.

[Anonymous]

Time for the Sunday Funnies . . . . [:D]



Actual Newspaper Headlines #8211;

1. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

2. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

3. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

4. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

5. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

6. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout
Counter

7. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years


8. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

9. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

10. War Dims Hope For Peace

11. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a
While

12. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

13. Enfield#8217;s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

14. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

15. Deer Kill 17,000

16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

18. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

19. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks



I like # 20. (Jim doing his best impression of W. C. Fileds) Auuuu Yes, I like children . . . . . . fried.

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . [:)]


The following joke is perfect for Monday Madness. [;)]



The Ranch Hand

One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around
two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by
the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he
did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly
pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my
clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Anybody can boil water: you just have to remember NOT to let the pan boil DRY.
Otherwise, you've got a burnt pan on hand. And burnt pans are HARD AS h*** to clean.[8] It has happened to me before[:(]

When I was in Jr High School one of the Home Ec classes (pretty much exclusively girls then) managed to "burn" water. Not only did the pot boil dry, but it was an aluminum pot, which melted.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Time for the Sunday Funnies . . . . [:D]



Actual Newspaper Headlines #8211;

4. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

No reward, though...

[Anonymous]

Tuesday's edition . . . . . [8D]



Last Laugh

Jon went to dinner at a new friend's house. While they
ate, the new friend's small son kept staring at the
guest.

Finally, Jon asked, "Why are you staring at me like
that, young fellow?"

The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self made
man."

"I am."

"Well, why did you make yourself like that?"

[Anonymous]

THIS IS FUNNY

[Rick Gates]

Just my 2 cents...... A little boy asks his Mom one day, " How Old are you? " His mother replies, " Well, son it is not proper to be asking a lady her age! " A bit frustrated, the little boy pushes on and asks, "How old are you then?" Again his mother tells him that this is another question you just don't ask a lady. With tenacity, the little boy says, " Well, you and Dad have been arguing alot lately. Are you getting a divorce?" Whereas, Mother says, "Son, that's between your father and I however; we both love you very much!" The Little boy tells his buddy of this on the way to school the next day and his buddy tells him "Yeah, My mom's like that too! So just do what I did. Look in her purse and check-out her drivers licence. Then you can figure out all that stuff!" So, the little boy goes home and does this. When his mom enters the room he announces, " Mom, I know how old you are! You're !*# " His mother tells him how smart he is getting and he goes on, " Well, Mom I know how much you weigh! You weigh #**@!" Whereby, his mother exclaims that he may be getting a little too smart! He pushes on and announces, " And I know why you and Dad may be splitting up!" Mom asks, " And why do you think that is?" Whereas, he states, "Because you got an "F" in sex!" Rick

[dharmon]

Nice one Mr Gates..Rick if I may. Welcome to the forums.....we all have a past. Dan

[Anonymous]

Here's one for ya:

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger approaches him and asks him what's the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell " (sob, sob)

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for! What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live!"

[oX)]

[CShaveRR]

Obviously you aren't a senior citizen yet!

My memory's getting about as short as my...as my...as my...

[Anonymous]

Idiot at a ticket counter in Toronto: "I'd like to go to New York City!"
Agent: "Would you like to go by Buffalo?"
Idiot: "No you idiot, I'd like to go by TRAIN!"

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers [:)]



Although this was written by someone else, seems to
apply to many of us from the "early" days. Many
children of today don't have the advantages we had as
kids, with vacant lots to play ball, the need to
improvise to play games with the neighbors and the
abilities to use our imaginations to keep ourselves
occupied.

HOW DID WE SURVIVE

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no
bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I
used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember
getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in
the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about
boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in
a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury
with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have
happened because they tell us how much safer we are
now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid
kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson
by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum
tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off
would we be today if we only knew we could have sued
the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the
national anthem and staying in detention after school
caught all sorts of negative attention. We must
have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand
it.

Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or
condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was
anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin
and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember
school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital
cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to
rationalize through the denial of the dangers could
have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a
mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built
forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made
trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play
on that lot? He should have
been locked up for not putting up a fence around the
property, complete with a self-closing gate and an
infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and
sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could
have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on
vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom
pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome
and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to
the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49
bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the
attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly
vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical
abuse) here too . and then we got butt spanked again
when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for
coffee.

Kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway
while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka
trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they
could take the rough Berber in the family room), and
Dad drove a car with leaded
gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to
play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my
imagination a couple of times when we went on two week
vacations.

I should probably sue the folks now for the danger
they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the
family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I
didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I
was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop
or an auto- drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I
recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and
doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he
fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have
owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted
him for being such a goof. It was a Neighborhood run
amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever
been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that? We needed
to get into group therapy and anger management
classes? We were obviously so duped by so many
societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the
entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we survive?

[zardoz]

Yea, Jim, I don't know how we survived it all.

And how about those horribly violent cartoons like Bugs Bunny & Roadrunner, Tom & Jerry, Woody Woodpecker, & such that we were exposed to. Amazing that by now most of us "old folks" have not gone on at least one killing spree by now!

And the house had only ONE tv-usually b&w, with NO REMOTE. HORRORS!!

Of course, the younger ones reading this will think that us old-timers ought to just give up the reminissing and stop comparing then to now. Little do they realize that thirty years from now they WILL be doing the same thing to their 'next generation'. I can hear it all now:
"Can you beleive that back in the early part of the century we actually had to steer our cars, and they only travelled on the ground!!"
"Can you imagine how primitive their two-dimentional video systems were!"
"There used to be a time when people did not have their Federal ID number chip embedded in their skin, and there was not camera surveilance everywhere, and you could actually turn off your computer and not have your house constantly monitored by the government!!"
"How ever did they survive?"

Truly, the old values are crumbling.

[bnsfkline]

Bill Clinton, Hillary and Al Gore die in a plane crash and go to heaven
they appear before god....
....God Asks Al
"Well Al Gore, why should I let you into heaven?"
"Oh mighty god, even though I won the popular vote, you did not want me to be president, so thats why I did not become president, I am at your Mercy"
"Wow, You are humble indeed" Said God "Now, Mr. Clinton, Why should I let you in heaven?"
"Even though I had alot of scandels in my term, I could tell you had faith in me, so I am at your Mercy"
"Welcome to heaven, Mr. Clinton, Now Hillary, what about you"
Well, Hillary looks around for a few seconds, and thinks for a moment, and then says "Because I think you are in MY chair!"



Clinton had been telling the truth when he said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" He had not been having sex with Hillary