Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is Monday and time for . . . . . Monday Madness [:D]



Breaststroke Competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel
doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who
entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered
up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40
minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came
ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried
onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound
like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other
girls were using their arms..."

[zardoz]

Race horses staying in a stable talking about the past:

One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Yes, it is Monday and time for . . . . . Monday Madness [:D]



Breaststroke Competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel
doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who
entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered
up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40
minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came
ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried
onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound
like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other
girls were using their arms..."

Why do you think they call life jackets "Mae Wests"[;)]

[zardoz]

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

====================================================================
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

====================================================================

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

In the spirit (pun intended) of the upcoming night of excess:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says, "no - he only lives a mile away." About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving, and ask him to get out of the car, and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they hop a fence, and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu, and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr."s" is there, and his wife says, "yes." They ask to see him, and she replies, "that he is in bed with the flu, and has been so all day."
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks, "why." They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage, and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first Alcoholic's Anonymous Meeting.

Another story too good to be true brought to you by URBAN LEGEND INC. !!!!
I know cause its in my " Big Book of Urban Legends" and the "Colossal Book of Urban Legends" by Jan Brunvand.

[zardoz]

FOR THE UPCOMING NEW YEAR'S EVE CELEBRATORS:

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
====================================================================
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
====================================================================
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
====================================================================

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
====================================================================
John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
===================================================================
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
====================================================================
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
====================================================================
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
====================================================================
Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

[vsmith]

For all you in the Aircraft industry out there...
From the Darwin Awards, confirmed true by Darwin.

(23 December 1991, Florida) This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in parentheses for clarity.

Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.

The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.] [xx(]

P.S. This almost exact same story occurred out here on the California coast about 15 years ago. It that instance the plane was flying down from the bay area down the coastline to LA, when it disappeared from Traffic controllers radar. The wreckage was found on the side of a coastal mountain and they determined also that the bodies were found to have been in a similar "condition". The difference was this aircraft had an auto pilot, which was set for proper altitude, but the pilot failed to check his course and before setting its bearing and flew straight into the mountain.[xx(]

[zardoz]

Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award". That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.

The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together:

JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.

The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.

Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

For all you in the Aircraft industry out there...
From the Darwin Awards, confirmed true by Darwin.

(23 December 1991, Florida) This account of an aircraft accident is quoted directly from the National Transportation Safety Board report, with comments added in parentheses for clarity.

Aircraft: PIPER PA-34-200T, Registration: N47506
Injuries: 2 Fatal.

The private pilot and a pilot rated passenger [two pilots] were going to practice simulated instrument flight. Witnesses observed the airplane's right wing fail in a dive and crash. Examination of the wreckage and bodies revealed that both occupants were partially clothed and the front right seat was in the full aft reclining position. [The pilots had converted the co-pilot seat to a bed.] Neither body showed evidence of seatbelts or shoulder harnesses being worn. [They were lying on the bed.] Examination of the individuals' clothing revealed no evidence of ripping or distress to the zippers and belts. [Their lack of clothing seemed to be voluntary.]
The National Transportation Safety Board determines the probable cause(s) of this accident as follows:
The pilot in command's improper in-flight decision to divert her attention to other activities not related to the conduct of the flight. [The pilot and co-pilot were having sex, and nobody was flying the plane.] Contributing to the accident was the exceeding of the design limits of the airplane leading to a wing failure. [The lack of a pilot caused the plane to fly erratically, over-stressing the wing and leading to a crash.] [xx(]

P.S. This almost exact same story occurred out here on the California coast about 15 years ago. It that instance the plane was flying down from the bay area down the coastline to LA, when it disappeared from Traffic controllers radar. The wreckage was found on the side of a coastal mountain and they determined also that the bodies were found to have been in a similar "condition". The difference was this aircraft had an auto pilot, which was set for proper altitude, but the pilot failed to check his course and before setting its bearing and flew straight into the mountain.[xx(]

It's all quite explainable, actually......

As one of the tenents of crew resource management in both multi and single piloted aircraft, loss of situational awareness due to task fixation has been the leading factor in several accidents. One airliner crew allowed the plane to fly into the gorund in the 70s while the entire flight station tried to troubleshoot what would later be determined to be a burned out indicator light. In these cases it would seem that the pilot in command was task fixated trying to orally inflate the autopilot. [;)][:D]

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

In the spirit (pun intended) of the upcoming night of excess:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says, "no - he only lives a mile away." About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving, and ask him to get out of the car, and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they hop a fence, and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu, and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr."s" is there, and his wife says, "yes." They ask to see him, and she replies, "that he is in bed with the flu, and has been so all day."
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks, "why." They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage, and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first Alcoholic's Anonymous Meeting.

Another story too good to be true brought to you by URBAN LEGEND INC. !!!!
I know cause its in my " Big Book of Urban Legends" and the "Colossal Book of Urban Legends" by Jan Brunvand.

Don't doubt it one bit! I always cut out all of the "old" forwarded addresses when I ship something like this back out. [:D] Still good for a chuckle...

[zardoz]

Idiots on the computer
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
=========================================================================
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
===========================================================================

[zardoz]

JOKES WITH A MILITARY FLAVOR


This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
==================================================================================
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
==================================================================================
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."
===================================================================================
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

==================================================================================
FOR JHHTRAINSPLANES:
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"

"We just shut down two engines."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

==================================================================================

[zardoz]

In Heaven:


The cooks are French,

The policemen are English,

The mechanics are German,

The lovers are Italian,

The bankers are Swiss.


In Hell:

The cooks are English,

The policemen are German,

The mechanics are French,

The lovers are Swiss,

The bankers are Italian.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,

The design and construction is done by Apple,

The marketing is done by Microsoft,

IBM provides the support,

Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,

Microsoft does design and construction,

IBM handles the marketing,

The support is from Gateway,

Intel sets the price.
================================================================

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award". That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most extraordinarily stupid fashion.

Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.

The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced" together:

JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve "Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks of aircraft carriers.

They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't know that when he hooked one up to his ride.

He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.

The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at "full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes, melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins to liquefied trails on the pavement.

Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated. We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.

This is perhaps the greatest Urban Legend of all time, it actually won a Darwin Award back in late 1990's but Darwin later had to admit that there was no proof the story ever happened.

Legend has it that one possible kernal of truth comes from some very bored US servicemen on Guam back in the late 50's who, being very very bored decided to see what would happen if the bolted a JATO rocket to a Jeep ! They did so, putting the Jeep at the end of an emergency airstrip, rigging the steering so it was locked straight, and firing it off. The jeep basicly accelerated from 0 to 120 in about 100 feet then self-destructed in an amazing display of flying sheet metal. All this was supposedly caught on film by a sailor on his 8mm movie camera. Still waiting to see that film, though.[:p]

Perhaps the most compelling account of this story came from a guy in Arizona who told a tale very convincinly about him and his buddies using perloined Jatos, and abandoned car, and a section of abandoned mine railroad and a mine cars to build a personal rocket sled. They spent a lot of time perfecting a mounting system ( a big steel tube welded to the frame), a braking system (automatic spring loaded wood blocks that would press against the rails that would activate at a given time), mounting the auto body to the mining car trucks, a crash cage, clearing about 3 mile section of straight old track, and preping the mine shaft tunnel at the end of track as a "hanger" for thier rocketsled. Well, when the big day came, someone said they better test run it without a rider "just to make it sure" it was safe. This was protested by one guy who wanted to ride it very badly. But common sense prevailed. So they used a truck to haul the sled about a mile from the hanger. The sled was facing towards the hanger, loaded up a JATO, and unmanned, set off the JATO. Well they were better engineers than they thought because the sled took off down the tracks like a banshee, the well oiled mining car/rocketsled screaming across the desert . They miscalculated the burn time of the JATO and just how fast it would pu***he sled and how much clear track they needed to allow for slow down, because a mile later, the now 120 mph sled rocketed into the "hanger" at the far end of track, jumping the track just before hitting the hanger and imbedding itself into the shaft and causing a small landslide, partially burying it. The author stated that the rear end of the car can still be seen today protruding out of the dirt where the mine tunnel was.[;)]

Yes , very doubious, even apocrophyl, maybe even wildly inaccurate, but a great story! for the whole story go to www.rocketcarstory.com and judge for yourself.[:D]

[CShaveRR]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Yes, it is Monday and time for . . . . . Monday Madness [:D]



Breaststroke Competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel
doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who
entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a
blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered
up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40
minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and
was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came
ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried
onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to
complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound
like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other
girls were using their arms..."

I shared this one with my blonde daughter, and she agreed that it should win the booby prize.
Her actual reaction: "That's terrible! I'll tell it to [her husband]."

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)