The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[Paul of Covington]

   Your mind knows what it's looking at, but it still sees something else:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmyfhbAF0wU

[zardoz]

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

[tree68]

zardoz

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

I had the same problem when I asked for maps....

[narig01]

I will admit I stole this from someone.

A small joke.
Never trust atoms. They are known to make up everything.

Thx IGN

[gardendance]

Where's your mother?
She ain't home.
Where's your grammar?
She ain't home neither.

1. Always Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Never copy someone else’s work without giving them credit.
25. About sentence fragments.
26. Never use possessive's to indicate plural's.

[daveklepper]

WOW!!!!

[Deggesty]

And, if you fear that you suffer from prolixity, keep your mouth shut, and nobody will ever suspect it.

[Overmod]

gardendance

Where's your mother?
She ain't home.
Where's your grammar?
She ain't home neither.

1. Always Avoid Alliteration. Always. ...

#27.  Eschew sesquipedalian obfuscation.

[tree68]

Humility is a fleeting thing.  The moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

[Deggesty]

And the corollary: when you offer an opinion, you are not humble.

[ACY Tom]

Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

[tree68]

ACY

Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

You didn't work in the Department of Redundancy Department, did you?

[ACY Tom]

Tree: Many, many, many times.

[Overmod]

tree68

ACY

Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

You didn't work in the Department of Redundancy Department, did you?

There is no 'Department of Redundancy' Department any more.  As with the other areas upon which the beneficial halo effect of political correctness has descended.  It's conducive to poor self-image and perception of worth to use the word 'redundant', with its connotations of unnecessary duplication.

It is now the department of robust operational response realization in operational contexts response department.  We champion the engineer's concept of redundancy -- a safeguard and an assurance, not the semantic equivalent of sesquipedalian obfuscation (q.v.)

[Semper Vaporo]

Overmod

tree68

ACY

Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

You didn't work in the Department of Redundancy Department, did you?

There is no 'Department of Redundancy' Department any more.  As with the other areas upon which the beneficial halo effect of political correctness has descended.  It's conducive to poor self-image and perception of worth to use the word 'redundant', with its connotations of unnecessary duplication.

It is now the department of robust operational response realization in operational contexts response department.  We champion the engineer's concept of redundancy -- a safeguard and an assurance, not the semantic equivalent of sesquipedalian obfuscation (q.v.)

 

Uh....  Ummmm.... Yeah, what he said!

 

[ACY Tom]

I think I have to take a break. My head is full.

[Murphy Siding]

       In church Sunday, our priest was talking about the annual parish fundraising appeal.  He said that this year's goal was 100% participation- from everyone!  I thought "Surely, you can't be serious" about using a phrase like that.

[ACY Tom]

The preacher was encouraging the flock to exceed last year's donations for the building fund. He said, "Mr. and Mrs. Simpkins increased their donation compared with last year's. Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson upped theirs. Mr. and Mrs. Bailey upped theirs. So up yours!"

[narig01]

From the bottom of my DD214. " Do not abbreviate."

Rgds IGN

[narig01]

Let me retry the above

From the bottom if my DD 214. " Do not abrev. "

Rgds IGN

[Murphy Siding]

ACY

The preacher was encouraging the flock to exceed last year's donations for the building fund. He said, "Mr. and Mrs. Simpkins increased their donation compared with last year's. Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson upped theirs. Mr. and Mrs. Bailey upped theirs. So up yours!"

    Where my wife was a church secretary, the minister would have a yearly sermon about why it was important to increase giving, in order  to cover all the costs involved in a running a church.  Each year, at the end of his sermon, a well known member- who thought  quite highly of himself and his image- would leap up, and enthusiastically proclaim that he would double his pledge from the year before.  The congregation always applauded him.  Those that new the reality- that he gave ZERO each and every year did not.

[Overmod]

narig01

From the bottom of my DD 214. " Do not abbrev. "

As an interesting note:  The I-9 form, one of the most important of the Government forms concerning employment, recently had the number of pages increase.

The reason for the increase is the inclusion of a mandated reference to a Government paperwork-reduction program. 

If you don't believe me, download the .pdf from USCIS and see...

[Deggesty]

The government has reduced paper consumption--from its stock. Except for my 1040ES, I have to provide all the paper for both IRS and state income tax returns. And, I have to provide the paper for the estimated tax this year, since someone does not understand that when a man has reported that his wife  has died he is to receive the form--and the form for this year was addressed to my wife, who died almost two years ago. I even had a copy of the death certificate sent to these people last year.

Let us laugh at the inefficiencies of government.

[Phoebe Vet]

narig01

Let me retry the above

From the bottom if my DD 214. " Do not abrev. "

Rgds IGN

A quick question:

How many of our younger members, born after 1960, don't know what a DD214 is?

[Murphy Siding]

Phoebe Vet

narig01

Let me retry the above

From the bottom if my DD 214. " Do not abrev. "

Rgds IGN

A quick question:

How many of our younger members, born after 1960, don't know what a DD214 is?

   According to the description given, I'm not one of the younger members, having been born during 1960.... I do not know what a DD214 is.

[Phoebe Vet]

In my age group, almost every male served in the armed forces.  People your age did not.  The DD214 is the declaration that you are separated from active service even though you may not actually be discharged.

The DD Form 214, Certificate of Release or Discharge from Active Duty.

[matthewsaggie]

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

[Phoebe Vet]

matthewsaggie

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

I was not drafted, either.  Like both of my younger brothers, I volunteered.  I don't have my draft card, but I still have my DD214.

[tree68]

matthewsaggie

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

I enlisted in the Air Force in 1968 and entered active service while I was still 17.  Unlike most guys of my generation, I never had a draft card - I never had to register.

[Paul of Covington]

matthewsaggie

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

   Don't have the card but I still remember my draft card number as well as my army serial number.