vsmith
Don't do this!
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Carl,
That one is priceless!!
CShaveRRThe old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Yes, Carl, especially when you are being fed glucose intravenously.
Johnny
Our Senior Citizen center hired a hypnotist for entertainment at lunch one day. He was using a gold watch on a gold chain. He swung it back and forth and told everyone to take a deep breath and told them they were very relaxed. Everyone seemed to be hypnotized. Then he swung it back & forth a little more and said that everyone was under his spell and would do anything he told them. Just then the chain broke & the watch busted into several pieces on the floor. The hypnotist said “Oh CRAP.”
It took a cleanup crew several days to get the stench out of the room
A New York Central passenger train was traveling from Erie, PA into New York State in the days of steam. The conductor came through the coach announcing the next stop: Dunkirk! Dunkirk!
From the restroom came the reply: "Not quite. I'm just wiping."
Mel Hazen; Jax, FL Ride Amtrak. It's the only way to fly!!!
Back in the thirties, many people in Oklahoma supplemented their food budgets by eating jackrabbits. Some were so careful with their pennies that they would not spend money on ammuniton, but would chase the jackrabbits down and catch them. And, a choice few became so proud of their ability that they would not take just any old jackrabbit that they had jumped, but would run alongside each one as they came up to it, feel its ribs, and let it go on if it was not fat enough.
A wife walks into the liveng room VERY VERY concerned loking and sounding. She says "Honey,..... the bank just returned that check I wrote the other day." The husband replies very excitedly "Oh SPLENDED!!!" "What can we spend it on this time?!"
Politicians,
"Come on!" "The other party has been robbing you for ten years, now give us a chance!"
2 men are sitting in the wating room of New York's Penn Station. The first man tells the second man "I have an uncle working on Wall Street." The second man says "Is he rich, if you don't mind me asking?" the other man replied "Well, he was once-used to have a corrner on the market- but now he has a market on the corrner."
An old man and his wife of 50 years were sitting in a restraunt. The older man says to his wife, "Did you see that young lady smile at me?" His wife laughed, and said"Oh that's nothin', the first time I saw you I burst out in laughter!"
A middle age man says to his friend, "You know." "A man never gets into trouble chasing women. "It's when you get caught when the trouble starts."
You only have to mumble a few words in church to get married. And only a few in bed to get divorced.
The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
Great Stuff, Thank You!
Ed McMahon passed away and went to heaven. The Lord asked him if he wanted anything. Mr. McMahon repied that he wanted an angel. Farrah Fawcett passed away. The Lord asked her if she wanted anything. Ms. Fawcett said she wanted all the children on Earth to be safe. Michael Jackson passed away.
ROFLOL!
spokyoneThe Lord asked her if she wanted anything. Ms. Fawcett said she wanted all the children on Earth to be safe. Michael Jackson passed away.
zardozIs this the same Michael Jackson that is now being mourned by millions worldwide?!?
I don't doubt but that it is. I just caught on to the last sentence.
The memorial service was presented during the time that we are ordinarily able to find network news at least one channel; every channel my wife looked at for news (I was out at the time) had the memorial service and no news.
Sure is. What - you maybe expected sanity, rationality, and consistency from the 'pop culture' crowd and Hollywood . . .
If someone is famous,it doesn't matter if he's a child molester or kills his ex-wife and her male friend,the unwashed masses will still make an American Idol out of him.
Two "quotes of the day" from Train Fest. One was related to me, the other I heard first hand on the radio.
On Saturday evening, some 50+ railfans decended on Durand, intent on capturing whatever action there happened to be. A CN train arrived and the crew went about the business of putting their train away.
Of course, they were the focal point for all of the photographers in attendance, and the engineer is reported to have said over the radio "Now I know what Brittany Spears feels like..."
As 765 was leaving Owosso on Sunday morning for the all-day trip, the usual plethora of fans and photographers was waiting outside the grounds, specifically between M52 and Cedar Street. A small side street parallels the tracks there.
I was beyond Cedar street, down in a ditch. I had a decent shot, and my scanner.
While 765 running alongside said side street, a voice from the locomotive came over the air:
"I don't think we've ever been paced by a golf cart before."
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
The fairy tale that should have been read to all little girls
Once upon a time in a land far away
A beautiful independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "elegant lady I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.'
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine sauce and onion cream sauce.
She chuckled and thought silly frog I don't really think so.
Al - in - Stockton
Great stories! Thank You.
Well done - thanks for sharing. Has echoes of an old 'O Henry' short story - such as 'The Gift of the Magi', I believe it was called.
Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply toyou if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything atall.3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain andheart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I returnfrom vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in theorder it was received.5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 forthe first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Yourmessage has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and trysending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can seewho did this over and over and over...)7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by yourPC for my response.9. I've run away to join a different circus.10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medicalreasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead ofSteve.
dmoore74Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:
oh yeah . . .
Yes, somedays you just can't win.
On one occasion, the men who placed a casket in a hearse were not careful to secure it to the floor. As the hearse was being driven up a steep street, it hit a bump, the rear door came open, and the casket fell out. It bumped down the street until it came to a drugstore which it entered, and then it somehow stood up on the lower end and the upper half of the lid came open. The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Can I help you?" A voice from within replied, "Yes, I need something to stop this coffin."
Suppose that you are driving down the road, and all the wheels fall off you canoe. Well, than how many seconds would it take for a bow-legged grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a green tomato?
Answer: 32sec. There aren’t any bones in ice cream
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Did you hear the story of the constipated math teacher????
It was so hard, that he had to work it out with a pencil.
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