Trains.com

The new and (not very) improved humor thread

117317 views
905 replies
1 rating 2 rating 3 rating 4 rating 5 rating
  • Member since
    May 2019
  • 1,768 posts
Posted by MMLDelete on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:20 AM

This is not exactly politically correct, but it was told to me by a Jewish friend.

Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?

  • Member since
    January 2019
  • From: Henrico, VA
  • 9,728 posts
Posted by Flintlock76 on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:54 AM

think  I've heard it, coming from New Jersey as I do you hear everything, but I don't remember the punch-line.

As to "political correctness," just remember the old truism about jokes.  For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!  

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 25,021 posts
Posted by tree68 on Saturday, June 20, 2020 2:46 PM

Flintlock76
For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!  

It's usually true for legends, too...

 

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    September 2003
  • 21,669 posts
Posted by Overmod on Saturday, June 20, 2020 2:57 PM

Lithonia Operator
Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?

Because they so, so soooo want to.

In an alternative version: Because the Eternal is merciful.

  • Member since
    May 2019
  • 1,768 posts
Posted by MMLDelete on Saturday, June 20, 2020 5:23 PM

OM nailed it.

But I usually just say, "Because they want to."

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, July 29, 2020 5:15 PM

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.

And the plural of cat is cats and not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim, So English, I fancy you will all agree, Is the funniest language you ever did see.

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Sunny (mostly) San Diego
  • 1,920 posts
Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Wednesday, July 29, 2020 7:57 PM

zardoz
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

But some folks think the plural of spouse is spice.

  • Member since
    September 2003
  • 21,669 posts
Posted by Overmod on Thursday, August 27, 2020 5:54 AM

Don't you hate it when people bang on your door and then argue that you have to be 'saved' or else you'll burn?

I don't think there is any place for religion in the damn fire service!  Now leave me alone and let me get back to sleep...

  • Member since
    December 2008
  • From: Toronto, Canada
  • 2,560 posts
Posted by 54light15 on Thursday, August 27, 2020 9:29 AM

Overmod, that's brilliant! 

  • Member since
    September 2003
  • 21,669 posts
Posted by Overmod on Thursday, August 27, 2020 11:47 AM

54light15
Overmod, that's brilliant!

I only improved the punchline slightly; the idea was from one of the guys in the aneutronic-fusion community, and I thought it was too good not to pass along.

  • Member since
    September 2003
  • 21,669 posts
Posted by Overmod on Friday, August 28, 2020 3:25 AM

Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead.  Why?

  • Member since
    November 2008
  • 1,881 posts
Posted by Leo_Ames on Friday, August 28, 2020 4:52 AM

I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)

  • Member since
    September 2003
  • 21,669 posts
Posted by Overmod on Friday, August 28, 2020 5:06 AM

Leo_Ames
I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)

It takes a great deal of work to have the grammar work out right.  I'm betting Erik has the national heritage to figure it out...

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 25,021 posts
Posted by tree68 on Friday, August 28, 2020 7:07 AM

It is a groaner...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    July 2004
  • 2,741 posts
Posted by Paul Milenkovic on Friday, August 28, 2020 11:39 AM

Overmod

Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead.  Why?

 

So they can scan the navy in without teaching the port master how to read?

If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 25,021 posts
Posted by tree68 on Friday, August 28, 2020 11:48 AM

Paul Milenkovic
So they can Scandinavian...

Smile, Wink & Grin

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • 1,190 posts
Posted by mvlandsw on Friday, August 28, 2020 1:35 PM
 
Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test  . . . 
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. 
Then drink it.  If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. 
I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. 
I'll report my results later. 
                            Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy

 

  • Member since
    March 2008
  • 773 posts
Posted by ruderunner on Sunday, August 30, 2020 6:15 AM

saw this quote the other day...

 

There's 2 types of countries in this world,  

Those that have put man on the moon, 

And those that use the metric system. 

Modeling the Cleveland and Pittsburgh during the PennCentral era starting on the Cleveland lakefront and ending in Mingo junction

  • Member since
    November 2008
  • 86 posts
Posted by MikeInPlano on Sunday, August 30, 2020 7:55 AM

mvlandsw
 
Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test  . . . 
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. 
Then drink it.  If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. 
I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. 
I'll report my results later. 
                            Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy

 

 

The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention. 

  • Member since
    November 2008
  • 86 posts
Posted by MikeInPlano on Sunday, August 30, 2020 7:57 AM

Overmod

 

 
54light15
Overmod- I built both Hubley Duesenberg kits and I have to say, that mine are museum-worthy! Not bragging, they are impressive to everyone that sees them and mine are better than any others that I've ever seen.

 

I am again reminded of the oldSmile foamer line: "Pictures -- or it never happened."  Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder.  (And make it lots of detail beauty shots, in focus, with good saturation...)

 

Correction - beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, especially at last call. 

  • Member since
    September 2003
  • 21,669 posts
Posted by Overmod on Monday, August 31, 2020 12:28 AM

MikeInPlano
The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention. 

158 proof alcohol is ideal denaturing strength for SARS-CoV-2.  Pretty close to Bacardi 151...

  • Member since
    February 2018
  • From: Flyover Country
  • 5,557 posts
Posted by York1 on Friday, September 4, 2020 4:00 PM

I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day.  He seemed like a nice guy.

After a few minutes, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.

I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

York1 John       

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 25,021 posts
Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, November 10, 2020 8:30 PM

The senior class lined up for their group picture - the usual commotion.

In front of the group the class placed a banner with their class motto:  "Forward Ever, Backward Never."

When they got the finished print, they were slightly dismayed to find that the photographer had "vignetted" the picture - faded the image at the edges.  A common darkroom practice, and very popular in the day.

In the process of doing so, however, the photographer had clipped the banner, resulting in a revised class motto of "Ever Backward..."

 

 

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2020 11:53 PM

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

***

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 16th

Dear John:

Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

Love Agnes

***

December 17th

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

***

December 18th

Dearest John:

What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

***

December 19th

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

Cordially, Agnes

***

December 20th

John:

What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

***

December 21st

OK Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

Ag

***

December 22nd

Hey:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

From Ag

***

December 23rd

You Creep!

Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

One who means it, Ag

***

December 24th

Listen Idiot:

What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

***

December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

-Merry Christmas

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2020 11:56 PM

Are people who are afraid of Santa, claustrophobic?

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2020 11:56 PM
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Clerk: "What denomination?" Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
  • Member since
    May 2005
  • From: S.E. South Dakota
  • 13,569 posts
Posted by Murphy Siding on Thursday, December 24, 2020 7:28 AM

zardoz
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Clerk: "What denomination?" Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
 

Our home office bought a bunch of Christmas stamps a couple years ago that I'm still working off. I'm basically sending letters to tell people "pay up deadbeat, or Guido will break your legs"- in an envelope that has Santa saying Ho Ho Ho on the stamp. Mischief

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

  • Member since
    April 2007
  • From: Iowa
  • 3,293 posts
Posted by Semper Vaporo on Thursday, December 24, 2020 12:42 PM

How many of you can name all TEN reindeer?

TEN?!?! I hear you gasp.

Yeah... TEN!

There are only eight I hear you protest.

Nope... there are 10!

 

Let's name them:

Dasher

Dancer

Prancer

Vixen

Comet

Cupid

Donner

Blitzen

I am sure you all got the 1st eight... Right?

Now, name the 9th.

I'll give you a clue.

He is only used on foggy Christmas eve's.

 

Yes, Rudolph... ya got that one too.  Hurray!

 

But, what is the name of the other reindeer?

 

Come on, now, think!  Name that other reindeer!  You can do it!

I keep giving you clues!

The 'other' reindeer!

 

  

Congratuations to those of you that named the other reindeer!

 

OLIVE!

 

"Olive?" you question.

 

Sure, Olive is the 'other' reindeer.  She was the one that was sort of mean to Rudolph.

 

Think about that song that introduced Rudolph to you... that line that goes:

"Olive the 'other' reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"

See... TEN reindeer!

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

  • Member since
    July 2004
  • 2,741 posts
Posted by Paul Milenkovic on Thursday, December 24, 2020 11:36 PM

This is for real, that astronomers announced that they detected an unknown radio signal from the direction of a star named Proxima Centauri.

Proxima is the answer to a trivial question about the closest star to our Sun.  It is red dwarf star that is faint in relation to the almost as close but much brighter Alpha Centauri, a system of two Sun-like stars in color, size and brightness.

The signal was peculiar in that it was steady without any modulation to convey a message, it appeared at a slightly higher frequency than terrestrial UHF TV stations, but it stopped after a few hours.

Starting 40 years ago, engineers at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, who had experience tracking the faint signals of crippled interplanetary space craft that they could rescue by finding, tracking, and transmitting corrective messages, came up with a plan to detect of nearby stars harbored UHF TV stations.  Such a station on earth transmits with a lot of power in all directions because TV reception is line-of-sight.  The transmitted signal has a "pilot tone" for the TV receiver to lock on to the signal, and with crystal control of its frequency, it is very steady that it can be detected at low levels over great distances, even if the TV signal cannot be recovered.

The idea was that in the late 1970s, it would have been possible to conduct a wide search of the sky searching for a pilot tone from an alien UHF TV station up to 400 light years away, and Proxima is about 4 light years away.  This is essentially eavesdropping on the aliens without them having to purposefully beam a signal at us, but it is assuming aliens are still using broadcast television instead of all of them paying for fiber optic cable to get TV.

This announcement was just last week even though it took months after receiving the signal because the signal had to be analyzed and screened not to be a false detection.  I have just received the news that scientists have been able to decode the signal, and it reads,

"You have 20 minutes left to bid on this collection of Cubic Zirconia jewelry . . ."

If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?

  • Member since
    July 2006
  • 1,530 posts
Posted by NKP guy on Sunday, December 27, 2020 4:22 PM

   Semper Vaporo, your joke about Olive the other reindeer is hilarious!  How I wish I had known this innocent, school-appropriate, dad-joke 50 years ago!  I'll be adding this to my repetroire; many thanks! 

Join our Community!

Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.

Search the Community

Newsletter Sign-Up

By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy