Heard in our office today:
A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don’t big planes have baby planes?" The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother. The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that’s because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"
(This text version from: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/southwestairlinesjokes.html )
For more funny airline jokes, go to:
http://www.funnyairlinestories.com/jokes/pas.asp
- Paul North.
A vedor rep was telling me about a family trip they took last fall. His young daughter said "Daddy? Why do all the raccoons come up to the road to sleep?".
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
A man sits down at a bar, opens his briefcase and takes out a small piano with a one foot tall piano player. "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen." says the bartender, amazed. "where'd you get it?" The customer tells him that he was taking out the trash and he found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out the genie said he would grant him one wish, and this is what he got. "Wow. Do you still have the lamp?" asked the barman. "Sure, right here. go ahead, try it. But I gotta warn you, He's a little hard of hearing, so when you tell him your wish, you have to speak clearly." The man get's up to use the rest room. When he comes back, he finds the whole room is filled with ducks flying all over the place, Knocking over bottles, spilling drinks, crapping on patrons and making a mess of the place. "What the hell happened? he asks the bartender. "I don't know...All I did was wish for a million bucks." "oh, right," says the man. "I told you he was hard of hearing, he probably thought you said a million ducks. I mean, hell, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Dave
Just be glad you don't have to press "2" for English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_ALEdDUB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hqFS1GZL4s
http://s73.photobucket.com/user/steemtrayn/media/MovingcoalontheDCM.mp4.html?sort=3&o=27
wanswheel
Your point was?????
Norm
I dunno. He's laughable enough without having to piece this together.
_____________
"A stranger's just a friend you ain't met yet." --- Dave Gardner
And why (or how) is this funny?
We're coming into what we probably all believe to be another ugly, year long, presidential election. We'll be bombarded with campaign commercials 24/7, and as always the sh.....tuff will fly. What say we all just decide to leave all the election stuff on other forums and try to keep it focused on trains on this one?
Murphy Siding We're coming into what we probably all believe to be another ugly, year long, presidential election. We'll be bombarded with campaign commercials 24/7, and as always the sh.....tuff will fly. What say we all just decide to leave all the election stuff on other forums and try to keep it focused on trains on this one?
That's pretty much how it's supposed to be anyhow. While some topics can have a political angle (PTC), in general, politics has always been off-limits.
A little reminder every now and then doesn't hurt.
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral..._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A little real-life, occupational humor- I manage a lumberyard. We purchase steel for covering agricultural buildings from a steel rolling plant on a Hutterite Colony. Hutterites are similar to the Amish in a lot of ways. They live communaly on farm colonies. They are of german decent, in fact german is their main language, english is their second language. The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. The woman all wear long, patterned dresses, white stockings, black shoes, and little skullcaps with their hair in a bun.Over the last couple of decades, they've expanded their operations into light industry on the colonies, usually agriculture related like the steel. The Hutterites are honest, hardworking people and good to work with. They are, however, of a different culture and sometimes that gets interesting. They don't always communicate on the same level we do, and they are sparse of words. So, I got a call yesterday from Clarence at the steel plant. He's an older gentleman, mid-sixties, with a thick, thick german accent. I answered the phone. He said "Is dis Norris?" I said "yes". In his thick german accent he said "Oh God! I woke up in da middle of da night and I was tinking of you!"
'Turns out he had quoted me some pricing that was in error, and it woke him up in the middle of the night worrying about it.
Was he worried he quoted you a price too high or too low?
Patrick Boylan
Free yacht rides, 27' sailboat, zip code 19114 Delaware River, get great Delair bridge photos from the river. Send me a private message
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"
Murphy Siding'Turns out he had quoted me some pricing that was in error, and it woke him up in the middle of the night worrying about it.
I once took a college course in business communications. The professor shared with us a letter he had gotten from a store owner of recent European descent.
The prof had gone to the store with a complaint of some sort (I forget what it was), but the owner wasn't there.
The store owner sent the prof a letter of apology which began "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you had your upset..."
gardendance Was he worried he quoted you a price too high or too low?
Murphy Siding[snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ."
What kind of shorts do clouds put on?
Thunderwear
Dan
Paul_D_North_Jr Murphy Siding [snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ." Oh, that must be the difference, then - the shirts of the ones around are white ! - Paul North.
Murphy Siding [snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ."
Oh, that must be the difference, then - the shirts of the ones around are white !
Pretty fancy stuff, there. Those around here wear black, and blue shirts for special occasions (like church).
Pronouns hang out in places you'd never see a proper noun.
A wet American tourist visiting an Irish coastal town on a dreary day asks a local lad, "Tell me, does it rain here every day?" The lad replies, "And how should I know? I'm only 13."
tree68 Paul_D_North_Jr Murphy Siding [snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ." Oh, that must be the difference, then - the shirts of the ones around are white ! - Paul North. Pretty fancy stuff, there. Those around here wear black, and blue shirts for special occasions (like church).
I remember cracking up when seeing this many years ago, and recently came across it on line. These are statements from actual accident reports.
http://carhumor.net/funny-car-accident-reports/#
Here is one from 50 years ago.An old Passenger Conductor pulls the pin in life and goes to Heaven.An Angel meets him at the Pearly Gates and checks over his Dossier.All is correct, and they enter Heaven.Over on the right the Conductor sees another Old Timer wearing black sleeve protectors, a green eyeshade and spectacles with a spit cup telephone transmitter around his neck leaning over a Trainsheet using a nib pen and an ink well to issue Train Orders over the Wire.The Conductor asked "What in H is he doing?"The Angel answered. " Thats God and thinks he's a Train Dispatcher."Hmmmm.Thank You.
Great story about Thomas Edison, got this one from one of the curators of the Edison Museum in Fort Myers, FL.
Henry Ford and Edison were great friends, Ford sending Edison a new car every few years. One year Ford sent a brand new Model A, and then wired Edison he'd be in town on a certain date, and could Tom pick him up at the station.
Comes the day Ford arrives, and Edison shows up, not in the Model A, but an old Model T. "Where's the new car I sent you?" asks Ford. "Don't like it," said Edison, "I prefer the Model T." "What for?" asks Ford. Edison answered "The T's less trouble, I don't have to roll down a window when I want to spit tobacco!"
Both cars are still there at the Edison house in Fort Myers, and they both still run!
Q. What did Chris Kyle do when he missed the train?
A. Adjusted windage and holdover, and took another shot.
Firelock76Both cars are still there at the Edison house in Fort Myers, and they both still run!
Edison's Menlo Park Laboratory was moved, complete with the dump, to Greenfield Village (part of the Henry Ford) in Dearborn, MI. I've been there several times.
You have to wonder if Edison had not put his eggs in the DC current basket how much he could have dominated the electric industry ?
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