Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

CONGRATULATIONS
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Those generations produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with whatever happened.


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good, and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

[CSXrules4eva]

BLOND GUYS

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

[locomutt]

Subject: Indians & Buffalos

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
>> buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
>> The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
>> Indian a tall mug of coffee.
>> The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
>> the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter
>> every
>> where, then just walks out.
>> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
>> hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
>> counter
>> and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
>> The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess
>> from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
>>
>> (hang on, this is rea lly good.....)
>>
>>





>>
>>
>>
>> The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management
>> position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the
>> bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[tree68]

You've obviously been to my workplace...

[zardoz]

Two engineers were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[tree68]

A farmer (probably a blond) bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested the farmer notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

[dmoore74]

Top 10 Ways to Tell If Your Cat is Too Fat

10. Gets winded purring
9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them
8. The Maury people call every *** hour
7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar
6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks
5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort
4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention
3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop
2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section
1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"

[Hugh Jampton]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[zardoz]

A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".

[zardoz]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "That's incredible! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out!"

[zardoz]

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'

[zardoz]

There was a man who spent 2 weeks each and every fall at deer camp. His wife accused him of never hunting.

"You guys just go up there and play cards and drink for 2 weeks." she told him.

"We do not," he replied. "We hunt hard!!"

"Then why have you never killed a deer?" she asked.

"I guess I just am not very lucky." was his response. That night the wife packed her husbands things and the next morning he left for deer camp.

At the end of 2 weeks he returned home, once again without a deer.

The wife told him again that all they do at deer camp is drink and play cards to which he once again denied it.

"By the way," he said, "you forgot to pack my underwear for me."

"No I didn't!" she replied....."They're in your gun case!!!!!!"

[zardoz]

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[zardoz]

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is way better than yours."

[zardoz]

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

[zardoz]

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

[zardoz]

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

[zardoz]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[zardoz]

Smart-A$$ Answers


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a butcher, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The butcher replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

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The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'LOW BRIDGE AHEAD.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas."

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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, Class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[samfp1943]

One of Florida's finest senior citizens went down to his local Chevrolet dealer
and bought a brand new Corvette convertible. Heading off the car lot and down
the road, he floored it and enjoyed the wind blowing through what little hair
he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down
I-75.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Florida State Highway Patrol
Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get
away from him with no problem," thought the man as he stood on the gas pedal --
80,120, 150, 180 mph.

Then, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing." He pulled over to the side of the Interstate and waited for the trooper to catch
up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the Corvette.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is
Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said: "Fifteen years ago, my wife ran
off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."


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[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

A well dressed business man was sitting at a table in a fine eating establishment, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper. Another gentleman comes walking in with his teen-aged son behind him. The teen aged lad is tossing a half dollar up into the air and catching it in his teeth. He does this several times until finally he accidently swallows it and starts choking. The father panics and starts screaming for help. The well dressed business man calmly puts his newspaper down, gets up and walks over to the youngster who is choking on the half dollar and he grabs the kid by the testicles and gently squeezes. The kid coughs up the half dollar and his breathing has been restored to normal. The kid's father is greatly relieved and he asks the gentleman who went to the aid of his son if he was a doctor. "No, I'm a tax agent with the Internal Revenue Service."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[zardoz]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, *** it, I couldn't find him!

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

[zardoz]

A MAN'S ANSWER TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN ASKS

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the ***ing and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err ... buying?

[locomutt]

This may say for the Seniors,but lets see how some of our
younger members do on this one.[:D]


Subject: Fwd: Senior Citizens Quiz



Do You Know The Answers??
Only a few Senior Citizens can make a perfect score on this one!
Youngsters
can try their luck. The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset,
the
grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably,
someone
would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he
leave
behind?_______________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S.in early 1964, we all
watched
them on the, _______________ show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________.

04. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed
____________________.

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________.

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced"
under
a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called
the_________________________.

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents
shared
this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was,
____________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? ________________.

10. Red Skeltons hobo character was ______________________, and he
always
ended his television show by saying,"Good night, and
_____________________________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning
their_________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in
the
front, was called the VW. What other names did it go
by?_____________________&_________________

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music
died."
This was a tribute to__________________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit The Russians
did
it; it was called ____________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic
ring
that we twirled around our waist; it was called the __________
___________.

Answers Below













Answers:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. to protect the innocent.
05. The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

[CNW 6000]

Man I'm 26 and answered 12/15 correct! I must be "old" in disguise!

[locomutt]

Sniffing Dog on an airplane ???


95-pound Golden Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "Sniffing dog." "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says, "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to search. Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says; "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The golden sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seatmate. The agent then told Sniffer to search again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb”[%-)]

[edblysard]

17 out of 18...couldnt remember Reds hobos name....and 13...Buddy Holly, Richie Valance and the Big Bopper...Heeello baby....

Ed

[Anonymous]

Originally posted by locomutt

This may say for the Seniors,but lets see how some of our
younger members do on this one.[:D]


Subject: Fwd: Senior Citizens Quiz



Do You Know The Answers??
Only a few Senior Citizens can make a perfect score on this one!
Youngsters
can try their luck. The answers are below, but don't cheat.

17 out of 18 also. I guess that proves that at 41 and only 9 years from my AARP eligibility, I am already well prepared.[;)]

• Edit