Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

This just in..
Cheney and Whittington were apparently hunting Quail, but Dan managed to get away.

[zardoz]

You know you`re from Wisconsin if...

It is common for the wedding party to go home and do chores between the wedding service and the reception.

The town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.

Your best shirt has a big letter G on it.

You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

FFA was the most popular club in high school.

You've seen a Hodag, or, at least you think that's what it was.

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

You know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between ceremony and the reception.

You were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday.

You can recognize someone from Illinois by their driving.

You buy your Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You are a connoisseur of cheese curds, and find anyone unfamiliar with them to be frighteningly foreign.

You get irritated at sports announcers that pronounce it Wes-con-sin.

You own at least one cheese head.

You spent more on beer than you did on food at your wedding.

You know that Kaukauna is NOT a Hawaiian Island.

You hear someone use the word oof-dah and you don't immediately break into
uncontrollable laughter.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.

You or someone you know was a Dairy Princess at a county fair.

You know that combine is a noun.

You know what a FIB is.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

You can tell the difference between real Wisconsin cheese and that Illinois stuff.

Hunting season schedules are checked before wedding dates are set.

You can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, and Poland in one day.

A Friday night date is taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

You have driven your car on a lake.

The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no matter what the standings are.

You know that De Pere is not a wooden structure extending into Da Lake.

You can leave your ice cream in the car while you go into Fleet Farm and it won't melt.

You always believed that vacation meant going up north.

At every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hoky poky & the chicken dance.

You know what a bubbler is.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

You laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast.

Your mom asks, Were you born in a barn? and you know exactly what she means.

You include beer as one of the major food groups.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

Your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.

You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike.

Your bank has the name of your town included in its name.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.

[zardoz]

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.


Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in". . . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their *** when they ask where the bathroom is?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

[zardoz]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[zardoz]

You know the world is going crazy when:
the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy,
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war,
and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', '***', and 'Colon'.

[zardoz]

Here's what some kids think about marriage, kissing, etc.


HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10

"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED

"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10

"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie,6

"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8.

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

"When they're rich." Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, 9

"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8

"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now." Roberta, age 7


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori, age 8

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10

[zardoz]

The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday school class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week:

The other day I went up to the local Christian book store where I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car.

I am really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go!....Go! Jesus Christ! Go!" Everyone was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My son burst into laughter, why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.

I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them and all that love that we had shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[zardoz]

Top Reasons to go to Work Naked:


10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. So that -with a little help from Muzak- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your resume.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

2. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

... And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your a$$ in here by 8:00!"

[Clutch Cargo]

Mary had a little lamb.
Her daddy killed it dead,
now Mary takes the lamb to school.
Between two slices of bread.

-Burma Shave

Kurt

[LehighValleyman]

ok, ok, i got another very funny one.

This guy and his 2 buddies go out golfing.

His buddies bet him that if he beat them in a golfing game the would buy him a beer, so the guy beat em with his right hand and they get him a beer.

When thier done, they all say good bye and set the time for tomarrow "8:30,?" "sure ok."

They golf the next day and he beats him againthis time, with his left hand and they buy him another beer, and this gos on for about 4 days.

Finally on the last day, when they are done they set up the time but the guy objects. "i'm gonna be about 15min. late tomarrow" so both of his friends ask why.

He says that when his wife wakes up on her left side he golfs with his left hand.

When she wakes up on her right side he golfs with his right hand.

When she wakes up on her back, he's gonna be 15min late to golfing!

Get it?
LOL













Long live the LEHIGH VALLEY!

[zardoz]

A woman went to the doctor's office. Where she was seen by a young, NEW doctor.

After about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[zardoz]

A LOW-TECH SECURITY SYSTEM:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots --- a really big pair.
Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
Put a dog dish beside it......a really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike, and I have gone to get more ammunition --back in an hour. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

[dmoore74]

Join the Club! Lots of Benefits


http://www.dickcheneygunclub.com/

[zardoz]

We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.

If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns (or in Texas...deer rifles) and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of.

POSITIVE You Might Be A Redneck If:

Top Ten Ways To Tell If You might be a Redneck:

1. It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

2. You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

3. You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival".

4. You remove your hat and bow your head when anyone prays.

5. You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play our National Anthem.

6. You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

7. You've never burned an American flag, but would kick someone's BUTT that did.

8. You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

9 You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

10. You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

[cherokee woman]

Little Bobby

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly
trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on
Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night, and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery?
Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it, and He did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say
God this this with His left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on
God's right hand!"

[zardoz]

The importance of understanding language.
http://www.introbia.ch/download/public/WeAreSinking.swf

[zardoz]

Fortunately, no political innuendo here....

http://www.introbia.ch/download/public/xray.swf

[coborn35]

Zardoz, ROTFLMAOAPM!!! (Rolling on the floor laughing my***off almost pissing myself!)
KEEPUM COMING MAN!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by coborn35

Zardoz, ROTFLMAOAPM!!! (Rolling on the floor laughing my***off almost pissing myself!)
KEEPUM COMING MAN!

Thanks. It's good to know someone appreciates the humor.

[techguy57]

I'm sure this has been posted her before but I can't resist.- Mike[;)]

>A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
>
>Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
> I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is
> the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
> We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
> The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother,
> we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes
> sense."
>
> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
> Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
> check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
>
> So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
> sleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
>
> Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
> bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
>
> The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
> "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
>
> The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
> politics is all about."
>
> The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
> while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
> and the Future is in Deep [censored] ."

[techguy57]

QUOTE: You've seen a Hodag, or, at least you think that's what it was.

[(-D]Laughing so hard I nearly fell down![(-D]

Mike

[techguy57]

Know how they say the truth is stranger than fiction? You be the Judge:

(This is taken for an email from one of my high school buddies)

As some of you know, part of my job here in the Big Apple is acting
as a first line of defence for my literary agency by reading
unsolicited query letters from hopeful authors. These query letters
are definitely one of the major highlights of my life as most of them
are written by crazy people (in fact, just yesterday I got a query
letter from a crazy person who had included a court transcript of a
judge telling him that he's crazy). Anyway, for some reason I can't
explain, the paragraph you are about to read was a query letter
received this morning, and it gets the "Best Query Letter Ever" award
(by "best," I mean wackiest).

Here goes:

"I am submitting my first novel for publication.

'Enlightenment, Drunk Chicks, and Hitler" is a fantasy adventure
about two young men from present day Hawaii whose simple lives are
disrupted when they plunge into a river of molten lava. Protected by
an omnipotent, benevolent force, they resurface thousands of miles
away at a different point in history. It is clear that the
consciousness behind their journey has a specific agenda. There are
murderers to be brought to justice, spies to be exposed, and wars to
be averted. Fortunately, our heroes are young, resilient, and almost
never lose their sense of humor. The book is eighteen chapters and
approximately 33,000 words [100 pages] long. It is divided into
three parts.

Thank you for reading."

Mike

[grampaw pettibone]

A true story

There used to be a line from Florence SC to Augusta, Ga. Hurricane Hugo finished it off, but that's another story. The Atlantic Coast Line used to run a daily passenger service from Florence to Columbia. There was a red headed conductor on this run who had a really short fuze. On one run,he got into it with some passengers who apparently threatened to throw him from the train. he got a pistol from his bag, shot a hole in the roof of the car and chased the two passengers out of the rear of the train, leaving them lying on the roadbed. For some reason, he wasn't fired, but was made to pay for the repairs to the car and was busted to freight conductor. On the same run in that capacity, he got into a serious arguement with the engineer which escalated into a situation where he demanded that the train be stopped and they could settle it on the track man to man. When they got to Florence, the engineer reported him to the superintendent who had him hauled in to explain himself. He asked Red if he called the engineer a son of a b****. He replied and I quote "No sir, how he found out he is one I don't know" This was told to me by someone who was there and claimed to be true. He was never fired and was allowed to retire later

[zardoz]

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED....

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The backyard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with the ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to hurl on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[zardoz]

I would like to call your attention to the following links. But be careful. Read the name very carefully and be absolutely sure you want to connect to these sites!

Be warned!!! The sites are not what you might expect.......be prepared.

www.whorepresents.com

www.expertsexchange.com

www.penisland.net

www.molestationnursery.com

www.therapistfinder.com




Remember, I warned you.

[locomutt]

Whoa !!!! Those are very interesting links !!!!
Enjoyed them though,that was fun !!!!!

[coborn35]

Zardoz where do you get this stuff?!!! LMAO

[zardoz]

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Farfrompoopen Road, the only road to Constipation Ridge, lost to Divorce Court and Psycho Path, which placed No. 1 in an online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names.

Mitsubishi Motors sponsored the poll on the Web site and more than 2,500 voters cast their ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were announced Friday.http://www.TheCarConnection.com

"Our readers really stepped up with some insane street names," said Web site publisher Paul Eisenstein. "Our panel had a difficult time narrowing several hundred down to the 10 our readers voted on.

"But we learned a lot about the byways of this country, not to mention the collective sense of humor of city planners everywhere."

In first place was Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich., followed by Heather Highlands, Pa.'s, Divorce Court in second and Tennessee's Farfrompoopen Road in third. Eisenstein said all the roads were verified, although some are private and hard to find.

The complete top 10 list included:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.


http://apnews.myway.com//article/20060225/D8FVPVDGA.html

[zardoz]

Here is a link to a site that quite a variety of entertainment, ranging from the innovative to the idiotic; the latter represented here:
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/11504/The_Famous_Baby_Kicking_Grandma_Scene_4.html

It just goes to show that stupidity is everywhere. My only thought was "That poor engineer".

I hesitated a while before I shared this, but it is railroad related.

[zardoz]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane. As the plane took off, the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ***?"