How to Make your Car more like a Locomotive (Humor)

[upchuck]

GET A STRETCH LIMO AND "ARTICULATE MY RIDE"

[Anonymous]

Suicide doors are the type that are hinged at the rear edge rather than the front - I'm guessing the name arose as a failure of the door catch would not be good for your health!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by futuremodal

There's so many things you could do, but shouldn't....

.....wear down your brake pads until it takes you half a mile to stop, then it'd be kinda like a locomotive

.....put a strobe light on your car roof (aka the original UP M10001)

.....route your exhaust up through the roof

.....remove your gas tank, cut it in two to make two gas tanks, then re-attach them to the sides under the car doors

.....take out your entire drive train and steering chassis, create two sets of two axle wheelsets front and rear, and mount your front and rear wheelsets on center plates

.....stick old air hoses and electric cords out of the grill and out of the trunk (strictly for show, but I suppose you could make them functional somehow...)

.....put a sand dome on the roof, and run your sand pipes to the front of your drive wheels (hmmm, that might actually come in handy this winter. Where's Red Green when you need him?)

....install suicide doors, keep them open while driving by some college town's ugliest sorority, then I guess you'd have some sort of a "cow catcher".....

LOL! What are suicide doors?

Some other ones:
Replace the leaf springs with steam locomotive equalizing springs--only about 8 to 9 leaves each! (Talk about a rough ride!)

Replace your camshaft with balanced slide valves.

Narrow your trunk, and install catwalk and porch.

Or, leave it alone, and call your car loco no. 1 of the Grand Trunk Line.

Sincerely,
Daniel Parks

[Anonymous]

There's so many things you could do, but shouldn't....

.....wear down your brake pads until it takes you half a mile to stop, then it'd be kinda like a locomotive

.....put a strobe light on your car roof (aka the original UP M10001)

.....route your exhaust up through the roof

.....remove your gas tank, cut it in two to make two gas tanks, then re-attach them to the sides under the car doors

.....take out your entire drive train and steering chassis, create two sets of two axle wheelsets front and rear, and mount your front and rear wheelsets on center plates

.....stick old air hoses and electric cords out of the grill and out of the trunk (strictly for show, but I suppose you could make them functional somehow...)

.....put a sand dome on the roof, and run your sand pipes to the front of your drive wheels (hmmm, that might actually come in handy this winter. Where's Red Green when you need him?)

....install suicide doors, keep them open while driving by some college town's ugliest sorority, then I guess you'd have some sort of a "cow catcher".....

[Anonymous]

By all means, DRIVE A DIESEL!!! And if your car is not a diesel, change it over to a Diesel!!!

[upchuck]

What happens if one of these contraptions hits a DEAD COW ON TRACKS ?

[PBenham]

[:p]One could buy a trackmobile, but most of 'em get poor[:(] fuel mileage. But when the urge strikes, just put her on the rail line of your choice, have your lawyer's phone number [:0]on one touch in your cell phone and have fun![}:)] This in no way condones trespassing on live rail lines, which I hope we all know can be dangerous!

[upchuck]

KEEP THE PARKING BRAKE APPLIED WHILE YOU DRIVE AND IMAGINE YOU
ARE SMOKIN' DOWN SHERMAN HILL

[TrainFreak409]

Whenever I get a car, it will have airhorns, and a rear knuckle coupler hitch. And my older brother said that he could help me make a sheet metal cowcatcher for it like they did on Monster Garage on the Dodge Magnum.[:D]

[PBenham]

Drive an old VW beetle! No defroster meant that you had to drive around in the coldest weather with your head out the window like an engineer (or a dog).Either way it was really cold. Railfanning in one on a very cold day wasn't for the sane. I would like to have a locomotive horn sound alike, but The New York Soviet Socialist Republic, forbids "loud or novelty horns". Western New York ARISE Shake off the shackles of downstate oppression and...[banghead] [B)](The Administrators have intervened over this loon [;)]and this sort of foolishness won't be allowed, until we get lazy[|)] or bored[|)]--Or both[xx(]) Bless the starving pigmies in New Guinea. I declare, amen.

[espeefoamer]

A friend of mine once had a crossing bell mounted under his hood with a switch on the dashboard to activate it.

[Anonymous]

Install an EOTD to the rear of your car or trucks trailer hitch Coupler. But make sure it Flashes on the rear.
Allan.

[upchuck]

IF YOU HAVE A SUB-COMPACT, TAKE OFF THE TIRES, DRIVE AROUND ON THE RIMS, AND PEOPLE WILL THINK ITS A SPEEDER.

[Anonymous]

Get a trailer, make it into a "rotary" and back up through the snow!

[Anonymous]

Forget a four cylinder compressor--go with cross compound!

Better yet, make your car a cross-tandem-Vauclain-Mallet-compound 2-2-0!

[upchuck]

PUT IT IN REVERSE AT A STOPLIGHT, PUNCH IT, AND TELL THE GUY BEHIND YOU
THAT YOU WERE TAKING OUT THE SLACK.

[Anonymous]

somebody sells KL-3s and KL-5s for trucks too.... i was at a BIG diesel truck meet, and someone had one on his truck, he was flying down the road, sounded JUST like the real thing at track speed! started looking around saying "i never saw any tracks around here?!?!"

[Anonymous]

Dynamic brakes I have - the button has a little snowflake on it. For some reason there's a side effect of cold air blowing out of the vents [%-)].

Other people call it air conditioning - I find it works very well for boosting engine braking on long downhills (can come down at a steady speed even while fully loaded without using the footbrake).

[AntonioFP45]

Here in Tampa there is a business that actually sells locomotive horns for pickup trucks! Forgot the name, but it's on Kennedy Blvd. Should turn up on your search engine. Couple of young 20 something guys are the owners. [:p]

You get the horns, air tank, compressor, valves, and mounting hardware. The tank is mounted in the bed, the horns are mounted in the engine comparment. Cost is from $200 dollars and up. Horns sound like the Leslie "S" series, 3 chimers.[:0]

Now, the catch is if you blow the horns in public streets the police are going to have some fun with you! [:D][8D][B)]

[CSXrules4eva]

Install air brakes on your vehicle and get rid of that hydraulic crap. Make sure you have a 4 cyl conmpressor. hehehehe

Put 40 or 45 inch wheels on your car or truck. For those of you who are steam fans put 70 inch drivers on the car with drawbars.

Make sure your engine sounds like an EMD, GE, or ALCO.

Replace your controls with an independent brake and a automatic brake leaver, git rid of the brake petal on the floor. Make sure you have dynamic brakes.

Have in cab signals.

Air horns a must!!!

Have a knuckle type coupler.

Make sure the outside is equiped with reflective equipment and make sure you have a logo or decal on the sides and on the front of the car.

[upchuck]

DISCONNECT THE OXYGEN SENSOR, BLOCK OFF MOST OF THE AIR INTAKE,
AND SMOKE LIKE AN ALCO

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Soo6058

hell, a 645 is bigger than a corolla wheelbase[:0]

You might be able to fit the Corrola in the 645.[;)]

[Mookie]

Wear bib overalls, engineer's cap and carry a grip (so no one thinks you might possibly be a farmer!)

(can you still buy bibbies?)

Mook

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

When everyone is in and buckled up, call out "Highball" as you begin to move (right before the toots on the horn!)

when we all get together railfanning, we do that, along with making the "phiiiish" sound of setting the air when we stop[:D]

[tree68]

Replace your horn button with a pull cord... (or a lever).

Alcophiles - mount red, green, and white class lights on your grille (or over the windshield). Check motor vehicle laws before you actually turn them on though.

Add an armrest to your window sill. Add an awning (or winter enclosure) to the driver's side window.

Operational -
Toot your horn twice before you start moving forward (three times for reverse).

Drive your spouse nuts -
Refer to the shopping/to do list as a track warrant, Form D, EC-1, or maybe a switch list.

Call all (traffic) signals.

When you stop to pick someone up or drop them off, call out "three step applied" or whatever your favorite RR does.

When everyone is in and buckled up, call out "Highball" as you begin to move (right before the toots on the horn!)

[Anonymous]

hell, a 645 is bigger than a corolla wheelbase[:0]


not for a car though, my dad has 2 old TP&W dual aspect dwarf signals. we want to wire them up at the end of our driveway! OMG they are HEAVY!

[Anonymous]

Stick out your arm to grab train-order hoops mounted to the ground [:)]!

[Anonymous]

Try and fit a 645 with 16 cylinders into a Toyota Corolla!

[trainboyH16-44]

And add walkways on the sides and front, make it more chunky, and add a 3 tone airhorn with a compressor, and blow it when you come to another road!
Matthew

[Anonymous]

Don't wash it either!