This is not exactly politically correct, but it was told to me by a Jewish friend.
Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?
I think I've heard it, coming from New Jersey as I do you hear everything, but I don't remember the punch-line.
As to "political correctness," just remember the old truism about jokes. For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!
Flintlock76For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Lithonia OperatorDo you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?
Because they so, so soooo want to.
In an alternative version: Because the Eternal is merciful.
OM nailed it.
But I usually just say, "Because they want to."
We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.
The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim, So English, I fancy you will all agree, Is the funniest language you ever did see.
zardozYou may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.
But some folks think the plural of spouse is spice.
Don't you hate it when people bang on your door and then argue that you have to be 'saved' or else you'll burn?
I don't think there is any place for religion in the damn fire service! Now leave me alone and let me get back to sleep...
Overmod, that's brilliant!
54light15Overmod, that's brilliant!
Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead. Why?
I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)
Leo_AmesI saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)
It is a groaner...
Overmod Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead. Why?
So they can scan the navy in without teaching the port master how to read?
If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?
Paul MilenkovicSo they can Scandinavian...
saw this quote the other day...
There's 2 types of countries in this world,
Those that have put man on the moon,
And those that use the metric system.
Modeling the Cleveland and Pittsburgh during the PennCentral era starting on the Cleveland lakefront and ending in Mingo junction
mvlandsw Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test . . . A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean). Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then you are halfway there. Then drink it. If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. I'll report my results later. Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy
The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention.
Overmod 54light15 Overmod- I built both Hubley Duesenberg kits and I have to say, that mine are museum-worthy! Not bragging, they are impressive to everyone that sees them and mine are better than any others that I've ever seen. I am again reminded of the old foamer line: "Pictures -- or it never happened." Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder. (And make it lots of detail beauty shots, in focus, with good saturation...)
54light15 Overmod- I built both Hubley Duesenberg kits and I have to say, that mine are museum-worthy! Not bragging, they are impressive to everyone that sees them and mine are better than any others that I've ever seen.
I am again reminded of the old foamer line: "Pictures -- or it never happened." Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder. (And make it lots of detail beauty shots, in focus, with good saturation...)
Correction - beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, especially at last call.
MikeInPlanoThe best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention.
I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day. He seemed like a nice guy.
After a few minutes, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
York1 John
I asked my doctor if I gave up delicious food and all alcohol, would I live longer? He said, "No, but it will seem longer."
The senior class lined up for their group picture - the usual commotion.
In front of the group the class placed a banner with their class motto: "Forward Ever, Backward Never."
When they got the finished print, they were slightly dismayed to find that the photographer had "vignetted" the picture - faded the image at the edges. A common darkroom practice, and very popular in the day.
In the process of doing so, however, the photographer had clipped the banner, resulting in a revised class motto of "Ever Backward..."
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
***
December 15th
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
December 18th
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
December 19th
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
December 20th
John:
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
Ag
December 22nd
Hey:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
December 23rd
You Creep!
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
December 24th
Listen Idiot:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
-Merry Christmas
Are people who are afraid of Santa, claustrophobic?
zardozA woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Clerk: "What denomination?" Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
How many of you can name all TEN reindeer?
TEN?!?! I hear you gasp.
Yeah... TEN!
There are only eight I hear you protest.
Nope... there are 10!
Let's name them:
Dasher
Dancer
Prancer
Vixen
Comet
Cupid
Donner
Blitzen
I am sure you all got the 1st eight... Right?
Now, name the 9th.
I'll give you a clue.
He is only used on foggy Christmas eve's.
Yes, Rudolph... ya got that one too. Hurray!
But, what is the name of the other reindeer?
Come on, now, think! Name that other reindeer! You can do it!
I keep giving you clues!
The 'other' reindeer!
Congratuations to those of you that named the other reindeer!
OLIVE!
"Olive?" you question.
Sure, Olive is the 'other' reindeer. She was the one that was sort of mean to Rudolph.
Think about that song that introduced Rudolph to you... that line that goes:
"Olive the 'other' reindeer, used to laugh and call him names!"
See... TEN reindeer!
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
This is for real, that astronomers announced that they detected an unknown radio signal from the direction of a star named Proxima Centauri.
Proxima is the answer to a trivial question about the closest star to our Sun. It is red dwarf star that is faint in relation to the almost as close but much brighter Alpha Centauri, a system of two Sun-like stars in color, size and brightness.
The signal was peculiar in that it was steady without any modulation to convey a message, it appeared at a slightly higher frequency than terrestrial UHF TV stations, but it stopped after a few hours.
Starting 40 years ago, engineers at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, who had experience tracking the faint signals of crippled interplanetary space craft that they could rescue by finding, tracking, and transmitting corrective messages, came up with a plan to detect of nearby stars harbored UHF TV stations. Such a station on earth transmits with a lot of power in all directions because TV reception is line-of-sight. The transmitted signal has a "pilot tone" for the TV receiver to lock on to the signal, and with crystal control of its frequency, it is very steady that it can be detected at low levels over great distances, even if the TV signal cannot be recovered.
The idea was that in the late 1970s, it would have been possible to conduct a wide search of the sky searching for a pilot tone from an alien UHF TV station up to 400 light years away, and Proxima is about 4 light years away. This is essentially eavesdropping on the aliens without them having to purposefully beam a signal at us, but it is assuming aliens are still using broadcast television instead of all of them paying for fiber optic cable to get TV.
This announcement was just last week even though it took months after receiving the signal because the signal had to be analyzed and screened not to be a false detection. I have just received the news that scientists have been able to decode the signal, and it reads,
"You have 20 minutes left to bid on this collection of Cubic Zirconia jewelry . . ."
Semper Vaporo, your joke about Olive the other reindeer is hilarious! How I wish I had known this innocent, school-appropriate, dad-joke 50 years ago! I'll be adding this to my repetroire; many thanks!
Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.