My dad told this as a true story.
A new brakeman was told by the conductor one night to go up 25 cars ahead to relay his lantern signals to the head end for a switching move. He said, "Just do everything I do, no exceptions." Well, when the conductor signalled the backup move by swinging the lantern, the handle broke and his lantern went sailing into the ditch. So the newby swung his lantern and threw it into the ditch.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
* He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once.
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice.
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice.
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumour has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
(I am authorized to print this, as they all apply to me)
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip.
2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
8. You could sell shade.
9. Your blood type is Ragu.
10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
The question that everyone has been dying to know...Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your import documents, and balance your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chicken, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such ways that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
1) You need at least 8 hours of sleep every night.
2) Sirens give you a headache.
3) You can't drive really fast, check a license plate on your in-car computer, talk on the radio, and drink coffee, all at the same time.
4) When you see trouble brewing, your first reaction is to call 911.
5) When you get nervous, you have to pee, so you secretly wear adult diapers, just in case it's going to be a busy night.
6) You're being called for back-up, but you don't go because it's too dangerous.
7) At the scene of a riot, you refuse to get out of the car until the crowd thins out.
8) A woman gives birth in the street and you give her a ticket for littering.
9) You think frisking people and giving "mouth to mouth" to someone of your own gender is politically incorrect.
10) You're a bleeder and you faint at the sight of a papercut.
Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.
zardoz wrote:Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? The question that everyone has been dying to know...Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your import documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" DARWIN: Chicken, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such ways that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road, it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she wanted to lay it on the line and she wanted to see her friend, Gregory Peck.
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
1. "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." - Rocky, age 9
2. "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." - Stephanie, age 8
3. "Never bug a pregnant mom." - Nicholas, age 11
4. "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." - Heather, age 16
5. "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14
6. "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13
7. "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." - Hank, age 12
8. "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." - Phillip, age 13
9. "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house." - Joanne, age 11
10. "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." - Matthew, age 12
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
6. There go the lights again...
7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."
8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...
19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.
10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
1) If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
2) It's only unethical if you get caught.
3) The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
5) Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
6) If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)
7) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
8) We put the "k" in "kwality"
9) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
10) Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity.
11) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
12) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
13) ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
14) We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
15) 2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
16) Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"
17) We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.
18) Plagiarism saves time.
19) If at first you don't succeed - try management.
20) At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.
21) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
22) This can't go on forever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years.
23) Never quit until you have another job.
24) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves
Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
Good Job - (A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job): A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
Computer Acronyms
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
SCSI - System Can't See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
DEC - Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Thru Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parentheses
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO - Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. Sorry Officer, I was day dreaming.
7. Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?
8. Oh good, it just you. I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?
11. Look, I'm really in a hurry. I need to make it to the FBI building with this fertilizer and chemicals before it closes today.
12. Lets play "Cops & Robbers". I'm the Cop and your the Robber. Ok?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
With Viagra such a hit, drug companies are bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:
DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.
PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return period.
NEGASPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful. Available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask you how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't give a damn.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3)TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11)RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12)PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
* It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
* They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
* This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
* I was working smarter, not harder.
* Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
* I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
* I'm in the management-training program.
* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
* Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
* The coffee machine is broken....
* Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
* I was cross-training for telecommuting.
* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
You Know You're Getting Old When:
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your kid throws-up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".
zardoz wrote:Top 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery 1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie. 4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 6. There go the lights again... 7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em." 8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off. 10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right? 11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change? 12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!" 15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out. 16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing. 17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time. 18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone... 19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! 20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.
In the operating room, at the start of the C-section for our youngest son, the doctor turns to the nurse and says: "Can you get me another scalpel? This one is really dull!"
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
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