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Would you believe..... (a little humor) Locked

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Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 2:01 AM
Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D]


A little Trivia

(read carefully, you might learn something [;)] )


Will a locked door stop a rat?

Probably not, but not because they're adept at lockpicking. The fact is, even very large rats can fit through very tiny spaces. If you have a hole about the size of a nickel in your wall, you could one day see a rat squeezing through it. Rats are largely made up of cartilage, which is flexible.

----------------------

Who was the only bachelor to serve as US president?

James Buchanan, the 15th US president, was the only one to hold office while a bachelor.

----------------------

Which is more nutritional: brown eggs or white eggs?

The color of the eggs doesn't matter. Both are equally nutritional and taste the same. The reason some eggs are brown is because they are laid by rust-red chickens (such as the Rhode Island Red). White eggs come from white chickens (such as the White Leghorn). Some people believe that brown eggs are more nutritional (perhaps on observing that brown flour, brown bread and brown sugar are), but they're mistaken.

----------------------

What bird has the largest wingspan?

The albatross has a wingspan of 10-12 feet. The condor, with a wingspan of 9-10 feet, is not far behind.

----------------------

Should you be proud of your geek-dom?

Maybe not -- A geek is traditionally a carnival performer who, advertised as a wild-man, bites the heads off of chickens and snakes. Present-day geeks will eat anything from lightbulbs to entire cars (over a period of time, of course). Perhaps the term "nerd" would be more appropriate.


From the ArcaMax site.




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Posted by Nora on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 6:54 AM
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, in May of that year the Titanic, on her maiden voyage, was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at their loss. In fact, their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo."
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Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 8:25 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Nora
[But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank



Woha Woha, get your facts Straight lady! i heard that everyone was saved, and the ship didn't sink..

At leats thats what happened according to the Walt Disney movie..

That....is....what....happened...r..r...r..ri...rig.......right?
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Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 9:14 AM
Nora [8D]


Macguy and I are the only ones allowed to tell "bad jokes" here. [:p] [;)] [:D]

Your joke is sooooooooooo bad, it smells like rotten eggs. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

You must visit the same "trashy" joke sites that I do. [:0] [B)] [8D]

OK, so now Nora, Macguy and I are the only ones allowed to tell, bad, trashy jokes here. [;)] [8D] [}:)] <I bet the bad, trashy jokes will be coming out of the woodwork now (as they say).> [;)] [:p] [;)]
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Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 9:59 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Hugh Jampton

Today is Star Wars day...


May the 4th be with you...


Owwww! That hurt!...Where's my light-saber!...

So its Star Wars day is it...how about a BBQ...

I've got Binks-burgers in the freezer, or Jar-Jar-on-a-Stick?










BINKS MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!

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Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 10:00 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy

Speaking of snails, did you hear about the snail that could drive and owned his own car?

That's right, and because he was a snail he had those personalized license plates with an "S" on them, and a big "S" painted on the sides of the doors.

Then everywhere that he went people would say, "Look at that S-Car Go!"

[:)]


ARRGGHHH! Thats even WORSE!!!....FIRE UP THE DEATH STAR!!!!!

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Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 10:04 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Nora

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, in May of that year the Titanic, on her maiden voyage, was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at their loss. In fact, their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th, and is known, of course, as "Sinko de Mayo."



DEATH ! DEATH! DEATH FROM ABOVE!!!! IMPERIAL STAR-DESTROYERS ATTACK !!!!!!

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by dharmon on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 10:49 AM
As onr cow said to the other .......this is udder nonsense.
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Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 12:52 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ed.. a 39??

Gotta be more lively, and vibrant, Comme moi! then you'll get top numbers!
All charm and no harm!

Ed you got to be more.. uhm.. Flamboyant! thats it, Go out and buy a Light blue suit with black around the edges, take it with you to work one day, and pretend your Buddy Love crossed with Elvis P.

thats got to give you a 47+ right there!

[:D]

HEY! keep that boa in that cage Mister!


No Ed, Never in your life. Do not do this, for everyhting Holy, and wise, I beg of you.

This sounds like the lost Hockey playoff bet of '03, where Kevin had to get someone to hold a boombox to the Train's PA system, and he went through each car, Disco dancing, in a Bright orange suit (See Dumb and Dumber ~1997)

Oh, the music was from "saturday night fever"

So Ed, unless you want to be like Kevin (Say NO! NOO!!) Don't do a stunt like that.

No funky coloured suits!!

NEVER!

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Posted by cherokee woman on Wednesday, May 5, 2004 7:40 PM
Hi Chrysta, it's nice to see you back on the forum. Missed seeing you around.

Welcome back.

Ed, if you follow Kevin's suggestion, maybe it's couch time for ya?
Angel cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist."
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Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, May 6, 2004 1:46 AM
Thursday's Edition . . . [8D]


"4-Letter Words"

A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother," so how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

"Excuse For Speeding"

There was a middle aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought and floored it some more.

Then he looked in his rear view mirror and there was a highway patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring, "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man, he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the state trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were bringing her back."

"The state trooper replied, "Have a nice day."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Pregnant

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

-=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=- -=*=-

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"


These from the ArcaMax site. [:)]



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Posted by vsmith on Thursday, May 6, 2004 9:47 AM
>> Subject: You Know You're In California If..........
>>
>>
>> 1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible,
>>
>> 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house,
>>
>> 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
>> conversation in English,
>>
>> 4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
>> named Breeze,
>>
>> 5. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
>>
>> 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
>> donor,
>>
>> 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
>> grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
>> Ethiopian,
>>
>> 9. You can't remember . . ... is pot illegal?
>>
>> 10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears,
>>
>> 11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast,
>>
>> 12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S,
>>
>> 13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless
>> chaps,
>> and you don't even notice,
>>
>> 14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks' wearing the
>> baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS
>> George
>> Clooney,
>>
>> 15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment,
>>
>> 16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who
>> delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in
>> drag,
>>
>> 17. You can't remember . ... . is pot illegal?
>>
>> 18. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
>> station: "STORM WATCH,"
>>
>> 19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy
>> Blanks
>> himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class,
>>
>> 20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
>> busy with their cells or pagers,
>>
>> 21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
>> early to avoid all the weather-related accidents . . .
>>
>> 22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
>>
>> 23. Both you AND your dog have therapists . . . and lastly,
>>
>> 24. The Terminator is your governor

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Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, May 6, 2004 9:50 AM
Sounds like Quebec, there buddy. Stop changing the names of places! you stole ours first!
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Posted by Mikeygaw on Thursday, May 6, 2004 6:16 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ed.. a 39??

Gotta be more lively, and vibrant, Comme moi! then you'll get top numbers!
All charm and no harm!

Ed you got to be more.. uhm.. Flamboyant! thats it, Go out and buy a Light blue suit with black around the edges, take it with you to work one day, and pretend your Buddy Love crossed with Elvis P.

thats got to give you a 47+ right there!

[:D]

HEY! keep that boa in that cage Mister!


No Ed, Never in your life. Do not do this, for everyhting Holy, and wise, I beg of you.

This sounds like the lost Hockey playoff bet of '03, where Kevin had to get someone to hold a boombox to the Train's PA system, and he went through each car, Disco dancing, in a Bright orange suit (See Dumb and Dumber ~1997)

Oh, the music was from "saturday night fever"

So Ed, unless you want to be like Kevin (Say NO! NOO!!) Don't do a stunt like that.

No funky coloured suits!!

NEVER!




he should these two weren't on the train and didn't join in:



and for those who aren't big wrestling fans like me, they and another guy would come out and dance rather oddly to some music that is marginally better than Disco ( but they still ended up being very popular)

and they wear weirder stuff that what they have on in the pic too.
Conrail Forever!
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Posted by Anonymous on Friday, May 7, 2004 2:00 AM
Finally Friday . . . . . . [:D] [:D]


Some History Related Trivia


When was the first fatal airplane crash?

It was September 17, 1908. A propeller broke and sent the aircraft plunging to the ground. The plane's only passenger, Lt. Thomas Selfidge, was killed. The pilot suffered multiple fractures. You might have heard of him: Orville Wright. (In case you forgot--Orville and his brother Wilbur made the first controlled, sustained flights in a power-driven airplane in 1903.)

----------------------

When was the first criminal convicted using DNA "fingerprinting"?

DNA evidence helped to convict a man in England of rape and murder in 1988. DNA fingerprinting can also clear suspects, of course, and has been used in the past few years to exonerate people unjustly convicted of serious crimes.

----------------------

When did the Internet come into being?

We've become so used to it that it's hard to imagine life without the Internet! While many of us started surfing the Web only in the past few years, the Internet has actually been around since 1969. It was created by the Department of Defense as a decentralized communications system in the event of nuclear attack. It was also used to coordinate military research projects, and was expanded to help universities doing defense-related research. However, it was a different system than used today without web browsers, banner ads, and lots of graphical bells and whistles. HTML and web pages are a fairly new face put on an existing infrastructure.

----------------------

Who made the first refrigerator?

Dr, John Gorrie of Appalachicola, Florida, invented mechanical refrigeration in 1851. He patented his device on May 6, 1851. There is a statue which honors this "Father of Modern Day Air Conditioning" in the Statuary Hall of the Capitol building in Washington, D.C.

----------------------

Are greenhouse gases all bad?

Not at all -- If there would be no greenhouse gases in the atmosphere, the average temperature on Earth would be 5 degrees Fahrenheit, instead of the present average of 57 degrees Fahrenheit.


From the ArcaMax website.



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Posted by Anonymous on Saturday, May 8, 2004 1:41 AM
Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:D] [:p] [:D]


'Friends' Were Real Friends to Many

When the NBC series "Friends" signs off in May for the last time, singles in America will miss more than a hit TV series.

A survey of 1,200 U.S. singles by Yahoo! Personals finds 75 percent of those surveyed say that Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler and Joey have become their "friends."

Sixty-two percent of single women across the country overwhelmingly agree Chandler is the character they'd most want to date, while 65 percent want to marry him.

Forty-six percent of the single men favor Rachel to date and marry, while only 17 percent favor Monica.

For the show's end, 75 percent of singles are hopeful Ross and Rachel will end up together.

---------------------------------------

Many Fail to Deduct Mortgage

Uncle Sam gives homeowners tremendous tax breaks, however, many people don't take advantage of them.

According to the most recent report from the U.S. General Accounting Office, more than 2 million people failed to itemize their mortgage interest, mortgage points and real estate taxes.

As a result they overpaid $945 million dollars -- they each could have saved roughly $438 per person from their federal income tax.

Bob Walters, chief economist at Quicken Loans, says homebuyers often fail to deduct points a seller pays on their behalf, which also may be tax deductible.

---------------------------------------

Teen Obesity, Lack of Exercise

A California study finds the lack of physical activity is the most significant risk factor contributing to obesity in 11- to 15-year-olds.

In the study, published in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, researchers at the University of California San Diego School of Medicine and San Diego State University find the proportion of overweight adolescents has increased significantly in recent years.

"Daily activities such as walking to school, physical education classes, after-school activities, chores and general playing have been replaced with a sedentary lifestyle in front of the TV, computer or video games," says Ken Germano, president of the American Council on Exercise.

From the ArcaMax website.




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Posted by Anonymous on Sunday, May 9, 2004 3:22 AM
Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:)]


First of all let me say, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY" [:D]

And now for the humor. [;)] [:)]


http://www.funnypop.com/jokes/martha.html



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Posted by cherokee woman on Sunday, May 9, 2004 8:47 AM
Jim, that is soooo fuunnnnny!! I laughed my fool head off so much, I had trouble reading them.

Good job.
Angel cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist."
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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, May 10, 2004 1:40 AM
Monday Madness . . . . . [B)] [:p]

This is good for Monday Madness. [}:)] [;)]


FRIENDS

We are friends.

Me and You, good friends.

You fight, . . . I fight.

You hurt, . . . I hurt.

You cry, . . . I cry.

You laugh, . . . I laugh.

You jump off a bridge . . . I will miss your dumb [censored] .

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Posted by vsmith on Monday, May 10, 2004 9:30 AM
QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:D] [:p] [:D]


'Friends' Were Real Friends to Many

When the NBC series "Friends" signs off in May for the last time, singles in America will miss more than a hit TV series.

A survey of 1,200 U.S. singles by Yahoo! Personals finds 75 percent of those surveyed say that Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler and Joey have become their "friends."

Sixty-two percent of single women across the country overwhelmingly agree Chandler is the character they'd most want to date, while 65 percent want to marry him.

Forty-six percent of the single men favor Rachel to date and marry, while only 17 percent favor Monica.

For the show's end, 75 percent of singles are hopeful Ross and Rachel will end up together.

---------------------------------------

From the ArcaMax website.




I was rather disappointed by the final episode...of course I was hoping that the cast would be struck by a huge Armageddon sized asteroid, out of which Bruce Willis would have crawled , surveyed the smoking remains of the cast and set and proclaimed "We Win, Baby!"[(-D]

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Posted by vsmith on Monday, May 10, 2004 11:42 AM
>Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman, were sitting naked in
>a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
>forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
>was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
>
>
>
>A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to
>his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my
>mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
>
>
>
>
>The Irishman felt decidedly low tech; however, not to be outdone, he decided
>he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and
>went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
>his backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
>Irishman glanced around and said ................
>
>
>
>
>"B-jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a Fax!!!"

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, May 10, 2004 2:29 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:D] [:p] [:D]


'Friends' Were Real Friends to Many

When the NBC series "Friends" signs off in May for the last time, singles in America will miss more than a hit TV series.

A survey of 1,200 U.S. singles by Yahoo! Personals finds 75 percent of those surveyed say that Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler and Joey have become their "friends."

Sixty-two percent of single women across the country overwhelmingly agree Chandler is the character they'd most want to date, while 65 percent want to marry him.

Forty-six percent of the single men favor Rachel to date and marry, while only 17 percent favor Monica.

For the show's end, 75 percent of singles are hopeful Ross and Rachel will end up together.

---------------------------------------

From the ArcaMax website.




I was rather disappointed by the final episode...of course I was hoping that the cast would be struck by a huge Armageddon sized asteroid, out of which Bruce Willis would have crawled , surveyed the smoking remains of the cast and set and proclaimed "We Win, Baby!"[(-D]


Vic- I can't believe you wathced that.. I thought you were a man, not a sissy!
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Posted by vsmith on Monday, May 10, 2004 3:09 PM
Kevin , gotta little life lesson for you and your girlfriend that if you learn it, you will live a long and healthy life, Dont learn it and you are in for a World of PAIN!


Whe a 90 year old couple were being interviewed on thier 70 wedding anniversery, the reporter asked the old man, "Whats the secret to such a long marriage?"

The old man replied, " One simple rule...The Wife Is Alway Right!"

[(-D][:-,][X-)][%-)][D)][alien][;)]

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Posted by vsmith on Monday, May 10, 2004 3:12 PM
And just because I had to watch it, the episode i was seeing in my head wasnt the same as the one my wife was watching, at least I dont think was visualling Freddy Krueger slicing and dicing that wuss character David Schimmer plays.

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Posted by Anonymous on Monday, May 10, 2004 6:19 PM
Oh please Vic.. I busted you.. and you know it.. another rule..

don't pass the blame to your wife!

Vic i think you have to go, i hear your song in the background.. Video killed the radio star!

[:D][:D][:D][:D][:)][:D][8D][:I][:p][}:)][;)][:o)][B)][8][:(][8)][:0][:(!][xx(][|)][:X][^][V][?]
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Posted by espeefoamer on Monday, May 10, 2004 9:46 PM
A man is preparing to jump off the Empire State Building.Below ,are a construction worker, a priest, and a Texan.The construction worker says "Remember your girlfriend." The man replies," I don't have a girlfriend". The priest hollers up,"Remember your family."The reply comes back,"Haven't got any family."The Texan yells out ,"Rember the Alamo"! The man hollers back,"What's the Alamo?"At this the Texan,the priest,and the construction worker yell back, "JUMP!JUMP!"
Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
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Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 3:06 AM
Two For Tuesday . . . . . [:o)] [:o)]




Lengthy, but good, about communication and meaning
between men and women. <Stand back, this could start a war.>

Mars & Venus on Earth

A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they
have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks
her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a
thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really
thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as
of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it
seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that.
Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind
of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I
want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I
wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to
think about whether I really want us to keep going the
way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where
are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each
other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?
Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really
even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was...
let's see ... February when we started going out,
which was right after I had the car at the dealer's,
which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I
am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on
his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong.
Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more
intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even
before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so
reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's
afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at
the transmission again. I don't care what those morons
say, it's still not shifting right. And they better
not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.
What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing
is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid
those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame
him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting
him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm
just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only
a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna
say, the scumbags.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic,
waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white
horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good
person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly
do care about, a person who seems to truly care about
me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty?
I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their
warranty and stick it right up their...

Roger, Elaine says aloud.

What? says Roger, startled.

Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her
eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should
never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down,
sobbing.)

What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I
mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that.
It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.

There's no horse? says Roger.

You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.

No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct
answer.

It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time,
Elaine says.

(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as
fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response.
Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might
work.)

"Yes" he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his
eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what
she might say next, especially if it involves a horse.
At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger", she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a
conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn,
whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a
bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately
becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that
something major was going on back there in the car,
but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever
understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or
perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this
situation for six straight hours. In painstaking
detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again,
exploring every word, _expression, and gesture for
nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting
bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day
with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause
just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've
known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a
horse?"


[8)] [:0] [:I] [:p] [:X] [}:)]


  • Member since
    April 2003
  • 305,205 posts
Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 9:20 AM
someone sum the joke above.. its too long to read, and i looked at it quickly and didn't see the word sex anywhere, is it worth reading?
  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,743 posts
Posted by vsmith on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 9:30 AM
Similar, shorter version of the same story:


Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar
for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought

it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I
promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation
was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more
intimate so we could talk more privately.

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved
him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the
hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me!

So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still
seemed
really
distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried

myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he's seeing someone else.

--------------------------------------------
His Side of the Story:

The Cubs lost. Now we have to wait until next year. Got laid though.

   Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,743 posts
Posted by vsmith on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 10:10 AM
I went to college and I cant pass this....! [;)]



> "I ONLY HAVE AN EIGHTH GRADE EDUCATION"
>
> Remember when our grandparents, great-grandparents, and such stated
> that they only had an 8th grade education?  Check this out.  Could any
> of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?  This is the eighth-grade
> final exam from 1895 in Salina, KS, USA.  It was taken from the
> original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society
> and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
>
> 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895
>
> *******************************
>
> Grammar (Time, one hour)
>
> 1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
> 2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no
> Modifications.
> 3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
> 4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb?  Give Principal Parts of
> lie, play and run.
> 5. Define Case,  Illustrate each Case.
> 6. What is Punctuation?  Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
> 7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that
> you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
>
> *****************************************
>
> Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
>
> 1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
> 2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide.  How many
> bushels of wheat will it hold?
> 3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at
> 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
> 4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000.  What is the necessary
> levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104
> for incidentals?
> 5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
> 6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
> 7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20
> per meter?
> 8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
> 9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance
> around which is 640 rods?
> 10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
>
> *******************************************
>
> U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
>
> 1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
> 2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
> 3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
> 4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
> 5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
> 6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
> 7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln,
> Penn, and Howe?
> 8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800,
> 1849, 1865.
>
> **********************************************
>
> Orthography (Time, one hour)
>
> 1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography,
> etymology, syllabication?
> 2. What are elementary sounds?  How classified?
> 3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph,
> subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
> 4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.'
> 5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.'  Name two
> exceptions under each rule.
> 6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling.  Illustrate each.
> 7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word:
> bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
> 8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and
> name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd,
> cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
> 9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane,
> fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
> 10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation
> by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
>
> ********************************************
>
> Geography (Time, one hour)
>
> 1. What is climate?  Upon what does climate depend?
> 2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
> 3. Of what use are rivers?  Of what use is the ocean?
> 4. Describe the mountains of North America.
> 5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver,
> Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and
> Orinoco.
> 6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
> 7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
> 8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same
> latitude?
> 9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the
> sources of rivers.
> 10. Describe the movements of the earth.  Give the inclination of the
> earth.
>
> **********************************************
>
> The exam took six hours to complete.  This gives the saying "...he only
> had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? [:D]

   Have fun with your trains

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