Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[locomutt]

 

3 men - 3 wishes

 

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an ALABAMA GENTLEMAN are all
working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada .'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile
for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine ,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our
precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.

The Alabama Gentleman says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo f eet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The Alabamian sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and
says, 'Fill it with water.'

 

(Actually, Ray-CPR2816 should get credit for this one; Thanks Ray!)

[chad thomas]

Good one Walt !!!

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Good one Walt !!!

Walt got this one from me. I in turn, got it from one of my brothers who lives in St. Paul, Minnesota. And like Walt said to me, it is a shame that this kind of scenario will NEVER happen!!

Ray

[Anonymous]

 

3 men - 3 wishes

 

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an ALABAMA GENTLEMAN are all
working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada .'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile
for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine ,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our
precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.

The Alabama Gentleman says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo f eet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The Alabamian sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and
says, 'Fill it with water.'

 

(Actually, Ray-CPR2816 should get credit for this one; Thanks Ray!)

the line I heard was a mexican, a texan and an okie. the okie said fill it(with the organic material that it disposed of in a toilet)

Rgds ign

[da Milwaukee beerNut]

The butler did it on the on the air (25 25) with a microphone:

Anybody hear me out there? If you can - nod loudly. (yardmaster @ 20:38 7/10 - Butler Wi USA)

[zardoz]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror 
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the 
next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands 
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll 
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began 
to apologize.  "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
 hands at his groin.

At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently 
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants 
and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments 
and asked, "How does that feel"?

He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!"

[dmoore74]

> The Power of Beer
>
>  
> A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
> comes in and informs
> the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
> The son is just a
> head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
> he can, with love
> and compassion.
>
> 
> After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first
> drink.  Dad takes
> him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him
> and orders up the
> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the  bar
> patrons looking on
> curiously and the bartender shaking his  head in disbelief,
> the boy takes
> his first sip of alcohol.
>  
>
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
> then bursts into
> whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to  drink
> again. The
> patrons chant 'Take another drink!'
> 
> 
> The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
> Swoooosh! Plip!  Plop!!
> Two arms pop out.
>
>  
> The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
> son  to drink
> again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take
> another drink!!' The
> bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
> polishing glasses,
> shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing
> scenes.
> 
>  
> By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he
> reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!!
> Two legs pop out.
> The bar is in chaos.
> 
>  
> The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The
> boy stands up on
> his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the
> right through the
> front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him
> and kills him
> instantly The bar falls silent.
> 
> 
> The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
>
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
>
> *
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
> 
> (It's coming)
>
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
>
> *
> 
> (Ya ready?)
>
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
> 
> (Don't hate me)
>
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
>
>  (Ya gonna hate me)
>
> *
> 
> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
>
> (Take a deep breath)
>
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
> 
> *
>
>
> 'He should've quit while he was a head!'

[spokyone]

A young woman joined 3 guys at the club for a round of golf. At the 15th hole, her ball was on the fringe at the bottom of a two tiered green. As she was lining up with her putter, one of the guys said, "If you make this one, I'll buy you lunch." She said, "If I make this putt, I'll go to lunch with you, and spend the afternoon doing whatever you would like." The guy walks over and picks up her ball and says, " That's a gimme if I ever saw one."

[CNW 6000]

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.   So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.   Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'   Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father,  your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you frickin' idiot.'

[dmoore74]

Fishing contest


The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the

Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough

votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting,

court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition

seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate

that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the

election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing

contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that

the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern

Minnesota

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be

sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M.

with their catch for counting and verification by a team of

neutral parties. At the end of the first day, Obama

returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, John McCain  returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he

was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and

hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day Obama came in with 20 fish and 

McCain came in again with none.

That evening, Rick Davis got together secretly with John McCain and

said, 'John, I think Obama is a low-life, cheatin'

son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even

bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is

cheating.'

The next night (after Obama returns with 50 fish), Rick

said to John McCain, 'Well, tell me, how is Obama. cheating?' 

John McCain replied, 'Rick, you're not going to believe this, but

he's cutting holes in the ice!'

[gardendance]

You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text.  Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it.  Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V.  Voila!

Hey that was funny!  Oh, wait.. that wasn't a joke?  Sorry.

On the contrary, it may have been a joke since it didn't work for me.

Dick

Texas Chief

did you ever get it to work? It's standard Microsoft Windows procedure. Fill us in on what happened, since "it didn't work" could cover a whole lot of scenarios.

Also one variation is instead of "move your coursor over the text while holding down the select button", press Ctrl-A, which will highlight All text in the window. Then back to the instructions: Ctrl-C to copy, open a text editor such as notepad, Ctrl-V to paste. That will probably paste more than you want, but then you can just edit the notepad to throw away the extra stuff. I find that's usually easier than trying to move the cursor and hold down the mouse button at the same time to fine tune the original selection, especially if I wanted most of the page in the first place.

[vsmith]

John McCain replied, 'Rick, you're not going to believe this, but

he's cutting holes in the ice!'

Whadaheck is a Arizonion gonta know aboot Icefishin dontcha know!

[spokyone]

The late Foster Brooks said he went ice fishing. He caught 100 pounds. When he tried to fry it, he almost drowned.

[tree68]

Good Ole Boys go ice fishing

Billy and Tommy were two good ole boys who just loved to fish. One day, they were sitting on the couch together, whittling and letting the shavings fall off the front porch, when they overheard someone walking down the street talking about "Ahs Fishin up in Canader". Well, they didn't know what an "Ahs fish" looked like, but they were willing to try anything once, so they asked how they could get to this "Canader". Well this "city fella" told them it was "up north" several hundred miles.

Next thing you know, Billy and Tommy are in the truck on their way to "Canader". After they crossed the border, and saw the sign saying "Entering Canada" they stopped at the first bait shop they could find. They asked for directions to the closest place they could do that there "Ahs fishin", and got directions. Then they got some beer (naturally). Then they asked if there was anything special they needed for "ahs fishin". The shop owner informed them they would need an ice pick, so they got one.

About two hours later, Tommy was back at the shop and said, "We're gone need anudder ten o'dem ahs picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back, saying "We're gone need all th'ahs picks y'all got."

This really made the shop owner curious. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not sa good," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

[arkansasrailfan]

What would the reporting marks of UP and IC be if they merged?

Answer('scuse me): ICUP(no translation needed)

What if CN, IC, and DTI merged, but the TI was IT?

ICNDIT(I can do it)

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

In my neck of the woods, the Dakotas and Minnesota, we are in the habit of telling stories about Norwegians.

Ole and Lars had gone fishing and the two of them were sitting in the boat when Lars felt an urge to light up and smoke a cigarrette. He asked Ole if he had a lighter or a book of matches on hand and Ole reaches into his tackle box and he pulls out this huge Bic lighter, the thing is a foot long!

Lars says to Ole, yesus, Ole, where da heck did ya get that huge Bic lighter? I've never seen a monster like dat before!!

Ole responds by saying, I've got a genie in my tool box. Go ahead and rub my tool box's lid and maybe he vil come out and grant you a vish.

Lars rubs the lid of Ole's tool box and "POOF", a genie appeared from out of nowhere. The genie says to Lars, "I will grant you one wish, so wish for anything you want." Lars goes "Oh boy!!" "Genie, I vish for a million bucks!" The genie says to him, you've got it, your wish is my command!" And in an instant the sky above Lars and Ole is blackened with hundreds of thousands of mallard ducks.

Lars looks at Ole with a disgusted look on his face and says, "Hey Ole, I tink your stupid genie is a little hard of hearing!" Ole's response was, "Vell Yeah, how do you tink I got dis foot long Bic?!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[traisessive1]

What would the reporting marks of UP and IC be if they merged?

Answer('scuse me): ICUP(no translation needed)

What if CN, IC, and DTI merged, but the TI was IT?

ICNDIT(I can do it)

 

Since the CN, IC and DTI are all one ... it seems that they CAN'T do it haha.

[arkansasrailfan]

oh oops i forgot they merged. As steve Martin would say, "weeeellll excusssseeee meeee!!!!!"

From his live version of King Tut, get on itunes
EDIT: NEW JOKES.

How to reporting marks in southern. (from one, but I don't think I say it quite like this)
UP-yoo pae
CN-say an
CSX-say es ex
BNSF-bae an es af
NS-an es
CP-say pae

Once there was a guy that had the worst car in the world that even the desperate man didn't want it.

Question: What is the longest running gag in a movie?(Hint, transporation, from the 70's comedy, and no it is not Silver Steak!!!!!)
And the answer is on Monday or Tuesday

[CShaveRR]

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said,  "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home.  But what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"  

[arkansasrailfan]

Wait, shouldn't that be 74 times!?!?!?!

[Phoebe Vet]

Nope.  In criminal terms that is a continuing single transaction provided everyone was present when it occurred.

3 times ... 74 people.

Now if it took several days, that is a different story.

[arkansasrailfan]

It's so gross I don't want to even think about.

[vsmith]

Political jokes are aready hitting the streets...over heard at work:

Joe: "Sarah Palin asked whats the difference between a Hockey Mom and a Pitbull,...lipstick!"

Jack: "Yeah but no matter how much lipstick you put on a Pitbull, its still a dog."

[Phoebe Vet]

I like the way she proudly told that original joke, as if she thought it was a compliment.

[arkansasrailfan]

It is, because you can't beat someone who has their own action figure!

[CShaveRR]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathr oom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[trainfan1221]

Forgive me if this is a repeat... "If a man is in a forest and says something but no woman is around to hear it, is he still wrong?

[arkansasrailfan]

3 funny train photos I photoshopped(course I would)

link:wyomingrailfan.webs.com/humor.htm

[zardoz]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[zardoz]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

**********
Moral of the story is... the reply you get depends on the question you ask.
**********