Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

And on a HIGH note, this is post # 3000 for this thread!

A man walks into a doctor's office and says,

"I've got a strawberry stuck up my butt." 

And the doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."

[Railfan1]

And on a HIGH note, this is post # 3000 for this thread!

Who knew there was so many of us Railfan/Comedians?

[Railfan1]

And on a HIGH note, this is post # 3000 for this thread!

Who knew there was so many of us Railfan/Comedians?

 

BTW, this is post #3001!

[zardoz]

Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell.  The devil stops in and sees them dressed in parkas and mittens, warming  themselves around the fire. The devil asks  them, "What are you doing?   Isn't it hot enough for you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, you know, ve're from nordern Visconsin, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance to varm up a little bit,  you know."

Later when the devil returns to the room of the two guys from Wisconsin he finds them in T-shirts, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."  

Sven replies, "Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather back home in Visconsin, so ve've got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice."

The devil is so furious he can't see straight. Finally, he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.  So, the devil decides to turn off all the heat in hell. The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero.  Every person living in hell is shivering something awful.  Icicles are hanging everywhere. The devil smiles and heads for the room where Ole and Sven are living and finds them back in their parka and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.  The devil is dumbfounded.  "I can't understand.  When I turn up the heat you're happy.  Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy.  What's wrong with you two?" 

Ole and Sven looked at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know?  The Bears are going to the superbowl."

[vsmith]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

[Railfan1]

Why can't engineers be electrocuted?  Because their not couductors.

[espeefoamer]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

[vsmith]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

[CNW 6000]

Shouldn't the proper answer be:

Who'd win the Super Bowl between the Colts and the Bears?
Chuck Norris!

[zardoz]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

AHh Nope!

Sorry but the Colts are going to shoed and saddled, given cute frilly pink reigns and made to give pony rides to little girls

No one rides a Bear, not even Grizzly Adams

Keeping this for posterity!

[Railfan1]

[spokyone]

(#99 reaches down and picks up #18.) Well, Mr. Manning. Lovey sends his regards.

[underworld]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Hey what is a vesectomy anyways??

Kevin, Try it you'll like it. [:0]

Just kidding

Now who remembers THAT commercial. (And will show your age by admitting it.)

That has been running occaisionally on TV Land....so some young folks have seen it too!!!

 

underworld 

[spokyone]

My neighbor lady loves the AAA premium GOLD service.

[Datafever]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws


Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[zardoz]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[zardoz]

The Top Twenty Bad Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get
as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

[zardoz]

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
   
   
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
   
   
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
   
   
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
   
   
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
   
   
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
   
   
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
   
   
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
   
   
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
   
   
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
    
    
11. No movie. Don't need one.
    
    
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
    
    
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
    
    
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
    

[zardoz]

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

---

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

---

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

---

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

---

(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit

---

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed

---

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level

---

(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order

---

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

---

(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)

---

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for

---

(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

---

(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

---

(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

[vsmith]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

AHh Nope!

Sorry but the Colts are going to shoed and saddled, given cute frilly pink reigns and made to give pony rides to little girls

No one rides a Bear, not even Grizzly Adams

Keeping this for posterity!

[zardoz]

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[zardoz]

How Cold Is Cold?

60  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50  Miami residents turn on the heat

40  You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35  Italian cars don't start

32  Water freezes

30  You plan your vacation to Australia

25  Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15  French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10  You need jumper cables to get the car going

5  American cars don't start

0  Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10  German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20  Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25  Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30  You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40  Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50  Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80  Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

That's my favorite out of the entire list!

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[Railfan1]

[Datafever]

To All The Kids Who Survived The 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...we had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And you are one of them! Congratulations!

[Datafever]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

[Datafever]

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Sadly enough, there is a ring of truth to that.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help with Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it." Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."

She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."

Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street...........

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Tarzan Not Know Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how do do it properly."

She took off her cloathing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,

"What the h*** did you do that for?!!"

Tarzan replied, "Me check for squirrel."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816