Religious fanatics

[csxengineer98]

QUOTE: Originally posted by TheAntiGates

ahahah...seeing "buddy christ" agin just brough back a flood of images from that movie...lol....
csx engineer

[dharmon]

Ahhh..the Buddy Christ.........for the askewview

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by gabe



You guys would give the Energizer Bunny a good run for its money.

[gabe]

QUOTE: Originally posted by TheAntiGates

You guys would give the Energizer Bunny a good run for its money.

[Anonymous]

[ben10ben]

A Church's pastor and music minister weren't getting along.

On the first Sunday of their conflict, the preacher preached on tithing, and the music minister selected "Jesus Paid it All".

The second Sunday, the sermon was on euthenasia, and the closing song "Take my Life"

The third Sunday, growing frustrated, the preacher preached on gossip, and the closing song was "I Love to tell the Story".

The preacher finally decided that he had had enough, and resigned the next Sunday. When he announced that the Lord had called him to another church, the music minister lead the congregation in "What a Friend we Have in Jesus".

[locomutt]

LC,

You know "rolling out into the street", could be hazardous to your health !?!?

mehrlich,most of the jokes come from "Readers Digest,the Arcamax web site,
and a few other places"

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all who contributed these jokes. Where do you guys find jokes like that!

m

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

FOFDSOINSLMAO (Falling On Floor, Down Stairs Out Into the Street...)

LC

[vsmith]

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Junctionfan]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Ahhhh....my stomach. [:D][:D][:D]

[dharmon]

Z .....you slay me....

ROTFLMAO

[zardoz]

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

[zardoz]

YOUR CHURCH MIGHT BE REDNECK IF:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and Two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a 56 Chevy.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now! Ya Hear"

[zardoz]

My blonde haired neighbor goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God please help us. Has it come to this?" Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."

[Mookie]

Ah Zardoz - you made my day!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Junctionfan

Why don't they put cushions on the pews? Must attending church be a pain in the butt?[:D][:-^]

Well, you see. They call that "paying penance",and it only hurts if you've been a sinner.

God comforts those who've behaved well with his omnipotent powers

[Junctionfan]

Why don't they put cushions on the pews? Must attending church be a pain in the butt?[:D][:-^]

[Anonymous]

Z -

Another Classic...

FOFLMAO, holding on to a pew...

LC

[zardoz]

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[Anonymous]

If you don't like it don't read it, railfanning is for every one.

[Anonymous]

She's a Witch!
Burn Her !!!!!!

How do you that she's a witch?

Because she turned me into a newt !!!

(I got better)

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by n2mopac

That said, this topic has gotten far beyond the scope of thei forum. Honestly, I can't believe Bergie hasn't shut it down already. As this seems to be digressing into an argument, this will be my last post on this thread. Have the last word here if you wish. I have made my views as clear as humanly possible.

Blessings,
Ron

Ahhhh, the old "context" police comes into the equation now?

You can't win the argument, so now it becomes one of "hey pal, this is a railroad forum, why don't you take that debate to a religion forum"....e'hhh?

So predictable.

But no Ron, having the last word, brewing ill will, and the sort is not my objective. There is no reason for me to try and make it "personal", for, there will be no clear cut winner or loser either way.

You will continue to believe as you prefer to, reading the meaning you desire into the book of ultimate authority, just as I will.

What I think was unnecessary here was your personal attack with the condescening "Try reading it" as though I was a child to be scolded.

[n2mopac]

QUOTE: Originally posted by TheAntiGates

QUOTE: Originally posted by n2mopac



Second, I'm not Catholic, but I don't think that bit of "humor" would be appreciated by most, Catholic or otherwise.

Ron

Well, before you try to "guilt peddel" me any further, ...I was born a catholic, so I'll speak of them as I derned well please, remember..."freedom to express ones opinion" swings both ways.

Fact of the matter is, there is contextual application there....As you say, the bible makes no mention of the subject, therefore gods opinion on that subject must be null. Where in the bible does it say priests may not covet their choirboys? I've never seen a specific mention, therefore god must not care one way or the other?

Back to the original topic, the teachings of the bible are invariably passed off as the "ultimate word" of the omnipotent creator... Since he was telling us of his creative process, why would he selectively leave out such significant "chunks" of his handiwork? (the great reptiles and CORRECT planetary mechanics?)

The reason why is because the bible is not the word of god at all, rather it is the best guess of primitive minds as to what creation MIGHT have been like, limited by their terresterial bounds.

You can see the earthbound limitation of the perspective of "god" because the vagueness comes in right as the story delves off the face of the planet. If God was telling the story, why is it dependant upon an earthbound perspective?

Since the officially recorded version bothers to mention the stars as part of the heavens, but makes no mention of the other planets we share our own solar system,.. what you actually have is an OMISSION!



Any omnipotent who had actually created it all, would have not had to do so much guess work... wrong to boot.

Why should it even matter to me? Well, all the others seem to be enjoying the spamfest, it would be a shame to give them closure.

The Bible is God's Word to mankind--that's us here on this planet. God is certainly under no obligation to explain Himself to us, but He did choose to reveal something about Himself and His character and work through the Bible. You seem to assume that if God were truly omnipotent He would have revealed everything to us about what He is like and what He does. Well, think for a moment what that means. Assuming God is the omnipotent creator of the universe--and I do--to reveal all of what He did and how He did it in detail would fill a volume of Scripture beyond any person't ability to even read it, let alone begin to comprehend it. God revealed to us what we needed to know to learn who He is, what He is like, and that we need to trust in Him.

That said, this topic has gotten far beyond the scope of thei forum. Honestly, I can't believe Bergie hasn't shut it down already. As this seems to be digressing into an argument, this will be my last post on this thread. Have the last word here if you wish. I have made my views as clear as humanly possible.

Blessings,
Ron

[Anonymous]

(Curly) I Can't SEE! I Can't SEE!

(Moe) WHATSAMATTER??!!

(Curly) I got my eyes closed...

LC

[Dayliner]

QUOTE: And if the OP ever comes back...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y106/toyoman/churchsigntrains2.jpg

ROFLMAO

I have, shall we say, a professional interest in this whole religion thing. I am so impressed with the way you guys and gals have responded to what was almost certainly a troll. I am so proud to hang out with train folks!

[selector]

Know whadda mean, know whadda mean? SAY NAWH MOWAHH!!

[Anonymous]

(in my best Jesse Jackson voice)... Deah Load- delivah this sinna from his malevolent and mose hommfull ways. May he tun to the truth an the laght of the bejevoty- and the benoficiaty of this boad. Deah Load- let this puson see the huma bejested herein!

(in my best Elvis voice) Thank ya, thank ya vera much!

[dharmon]

[bow]

[Anonymous]

And if the OP ever comes back...
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y106/toyoman/churchsigntrains2.jpg