Right on Mouse! Man, these kids (and adults) these days need to get their priorities straight.
Lots of good advice and great experience expressed here.
What do you really know of this person? Something about her is puzzling you, making you fearful, so much so that you are asking strangers for advice on how to get everything the way you want it...including her, by the way. See what I mean....if she lets do all you want, she is part of the package and can stay. Darned decent of you.
Trouble is, she is smart enough to know she wants things her way. Somewhere there is a solution, including both of you deciding to call it a day.
If you really want to know where you stand, ask her, point blank. Ask her outright if she feels threatened by your pursuits as her comments to you suggest. If she admits that she wants more of your time, then at least you can make an informed decision. Right now you are second guessing, seeking help on a trains forum, yada yada yada.
Tackle this head on like a grown man and deal with life's problems with directness and civility...but honestly. That way, if you decide she doesn't fit in with your Gestalt, you can tell her so and arrange the inevitable parting administrative details.
If things are bad enough that you have to come here and ask a bunch of strangers for advise, then you probably know the answer yourself already. Sounds like she wants to control you. If you put a ring on her finger, things will only get worse.(guaranteed) What's weird is most woman usually like horses. Must be the fact that YOU like the horse is what's causing the problem. This will bleed over into anything else that YOU take a liking to.
Cut your loses and get out.
Seems you have a bug for horses; both riding horses, and iron horses.
This is my advice: Do your own thing to make yourself happy. If you aren't happy then you won't be at your best for your relationship and that's cheating you and her. And if that's not good enough for her, then leave her. The time demands only increase when you get married. Your situation now is not a good sign.
I think I found a balance with my wonderful and understanding wife. I spend up to 30 minutes a night on my trains no more. After that it's all her. No train catalogs, no train reading. Just me and her. I also spend 30 minutes of my lunch putting together rolling stock.
Don - Specializing in layout DC->DCC conversions
Modeling C&O transition era and steel industries There's Nothing Like Big Steam!
Back on page one....Mark and Chuck pretty well summed up my thoughts and then on page two Mark asked the questions that needed to be asked. So I'm just going to ramble on with a little insight based on my nearly 56 yrs.
First and foremost, the advice I give to anybody that will listen, is that you are an individual and that you NEED to be that individual. DO NOT waver from who you are toward becoming somebody that someone else wants you to be! You NEED very much to be your own person.
The dating process is like a shopping trip and is time consuming. You are looking for someone that has some like interests, that is fun to be with, not demanding or controlling, trusting, can be her own person too, and most importantly.......Is beyond doubt, your BEST friend! When all of this falls into place, marry that best friend. Even if all else fails as occasionally happens, you'll still be friends!
If your girlfriend / wife is your best friend, you will be able to share some interests and passions and also be able to grant (and understand) the need for individual space.
I say all of this with heartfelt conviction....As, at the age of 22 I first married whom I thought was the love of my life. Over the course of that relationship, wanting to "make it work", I gave up my dream for a career (of some sort) in music, my want of becoming an educator, my passion for modeling trains, a number of my friends....and the list goes on.
In retrospect: This wife needed to have control and was very possessive. I was not trusted and became VERY controlled. None the less, I worked at keeping the relationship with my efforts of trying to be the person she needed. But what about the person I needed and better yet, the person I needed to be?
Once I truly realized I was no longer "me" and not happy with that, I left. I did however learn from this (now married for over 25 yrs. with a second go-round) and I share what I've learned about "me, being me first" and following dreams. Soooo.... Even if your girlfriend doesn't share all the same passions you have (or vice-versa) there needs to be space and an understanding for those passions. If that can't happen....You need to continue "shopping". Remember....Always be your own person first and formost!
da_kraut wrote: I am getting into a corner here with my girlfriend. She calls my horse my second girlfriend and the construction of my layout as my third girlfriend.
I am getting into a corner here with my girlfriend. She calls my horse my second girlfriend and the construction of my layout as my third girlfriend.
Sounds to me like you're paying more attention to your hobbies than to her. Not good. And if you are, then I have to say you're not ready for a relationship. To quote a well known line from a Lovin' Spoonful song of about 1967 vintage, "You better go on home, son, and make up your mind."
TA462 wrote:My wife loves and participates in 99% of my hobbies. She has her own ATV, likes car racing, likes going to car shows and loves to drag race my Trans Am. She actually can run my car quicker in the 1/4 mile then I can, must be that extra 100 lbs I have on her. She enjoys fishing probably more then I do and this year she is taking her Hunter Safety Traing course so she can hunt with me. I enjoy doing stuff with her but sometimes I feel bad when my friends and I go out say ATVing and I have to tell her its just for the guys, you can't come. I don't do that very often but still I don't like doing it. If your girlfriend doesn't like trains then I say great, you need a hobby that is just yours. My wife at first was interested in model trains but she kind of got bored with it after awhile. Sometimes she will help me or just run trains with me and I'm fine with that. Oh ya, she is a huge Tennessee Titans fan and a New Jersey Devils fan so I can't even watch Football or Hockey with out her wanting to watch as well, lol. At least I have somebody to drink beer with on Sundays, yep she likes beer too......... Its almost like I married myself, LOLOL.
I was impressed with the good looking young lady from Georgia on the Power of 10 show last night that went bear hunting in Canada with a bow. She got a bear and is having it made into a rug. I was momentarily speechless.
Engineer Jeff NS Nut Visit my layout at: http://www.thebinks.com/trains/
TONY
"If we never take the time, how can we ever have the time." - Merovingian (Matrix Reloaded)
I'd have to say it's a good thing this showed up early, rather than after an exchange of vows. We (as men and women) need to realize that we can't really change other people into what we want, no matter how hard we try. If my wife told me "choose between trains or me", well, I'd miss her. I was into trains long before I met her, and will be years from now (whether we're still together or not). She was/is into bears (stuffed plush, ceramic figurines, etc.), and I predict she will be for years to come.
I don't believe in "one true soulmate for any one person". Come on, that leaves so much room for chance and error, that fewer than 1 in 10,000 would ever met their "soulmate". I believe more along the lines of "finding one who can be your best friend." I think that, say, 1 in 100 or maybe 1 in 1,000 would match up well for any one individual. Sure there are exceptions, but I'm generalizing here.
If she's interested in you (or anyone, for that matter) for a long term relationship, someone (NOT YOU) needs to tell her that she won't have any success going around trying to change people into what she wants. She (well everybody, pretty much) is going to have to "take them as they come". If she doesn't like what she's got, maybe it time to move on to the next one. It is, in a sense, like buying a car. If the car you look at doesn't have the V8 engine, or you want a blue one instead of a white one, would you insist the dealer swap the engine and repaint the car? Even if you did, the dealer would simply either (A) walk you on down to the blue one with the V8, or (B) order one for you.
Of course, I hope the 2 of you can work things out. Many relationships do start out on a bit of a rough path, but often, once the pair get to know each other, and (for lack of a better description) get into a "routine" of sorts, things begin to smooth out. If/when she realizes that the horse and trains are of no threat to her, then maybe she would be a bit more receptive (well, at least more understanding and/or forgiving. Or something.)
Brad
EMD - Every Model Different
ALCO - Always Leaking Coolant and Oil
CSX - Coal Spilling eXperts
AS one poster put it lately, I must like to hear myself talk, so I will post on this thread again.
I disagree with what many of the posters are saying. I don't give a rat's hind end whether not my wife likes trains. This is a hobby folks, it's not like itself. It is not who you are. If you think about it, model railroading ranks way below health, family, spouse, finances, relationships, spirituality, honor, personal integrity, career, and friends--even if sometimes we don't act that way.
What you should be looking for in a relationship is someone that shares your values in all the important things. And if it so happens that those values extend to your hobbies well thats like one of the sprinkles that decorates the icing on the cake.
So to me the question is, do you want a relationship with a person you can love and respect, who will grow with you spiritually mentally, and emotionally, and will help you pass on your values to your kids.
Or is it more important to have someone reinforce, in the grand scheme of things, a relatively minor part of your life.
Chip
Building the Rock Ridge Railroad with the slowest construction crew west of the Pecos.
Any woman who doesn't share your love of horses and trains, is likely going to be trouble over time. At the very least, those things you enjoy will be less so with her than someone who shares your interests, IMHO. What does your gut tell you, or is that the very reason for posting the question to begin with?
I also agree with what Dave H. said.
Good Luck! Rob ps: My marriage would be much less enjoyable if my wife wasn't into both horses and trains, too.
I think Mark is onto something!
My son once found himself very attracted to a young lady who, when things started getting serious, told him that she expected him to give up golf. To put that into perspective, my son later played on a California mini-tour, and might have gone higher if his back hadn't gone out on him. After the wreckage settled, he realized that her hobby was twisting men into HER idea of the "ideal man."
On the other hand, I was lucky enough to find a person who had an unusual manual skill. She crocheted lace from very fine thread - lace tablecloths, clothing, etc. Later she proved to be a championship level golfer in her own right. She enjoyed my interest in trains, her lacemaking and her - and got me started on modeling Japanese trains by giving me my first Japanese prototype locomotive (in kit form) for my birthday.
Your girlfriend sounds like a controller. Unless you like playing wimp, look elsewhere.
Chuck (modeling Central Japan in September, 1964)
Marlon
See pictures of the Clinton-Golden Valley RR
Does your lady have any hobbies of her own? If not she should get something to take her away from giving you a hard time over yours, & then maybe she would see where you're coming from.
I'm a pretty lucky fella-after several girlfriends, I met my fiance', who has been passionate about her hobby, which is beadwork jewelry. I got back into my trains about 2 years ago, & then a few months later she went to a train show with me, & got hooked. Now trains are her 2nd love, & hopes for an small N scale layout of her own someday. She loves to railfan (when she can) & even named her rabbit "Chessie" (well, my suggestion) & her fave RRs are WLE, DRGW, GN, & SOO. (not necessarily in that order)
Hopefully before the month's over we'll be moving into our new house. One of the things I heard her tell a friend recently was that the basement was off limits for any planning of any kind, since she knows that's where my future layout is going. (we agreed awhile back that we each get sufficient space for our respective hobbies, & she gets the 2nd story of the house for her beads. (the house is a bungalow) As for her layout, future plans are a possible coffee table layout? we'll see!
Bottom line is this I guess-she has a hobby, I have a hobby, & we give each other respect, time & space to do our own. It works out great for us.
The one thing I know about women, is that I know NOTHING about women!!
My wife calls me Mr. Tinkertrain and loves to rearrange all my vehicles and whatever else is loose.....and tells people that train people live at the epicenter of the nerd forest!, well not exactly the center, some of the video gamers and elvis impersonators live a bit farther in!
But I know she's kidding, she buys me train stuff for Christmas and my b-day and she was the one who found the auctions that netted me such good deals.
If your lady knows shes first, and you love her, then you do what you think you need to, just try to save out some train time for yourself!
None of my girlfriends have seen my trains, but they know I work for a railroad and think trains are pretty cool. (And these are actually hot girls too;)
Couple of my friends (girls) were over and saw my trains and thought they were cute....which lead to me being cute and you know the rest of the story....;)
Mechanical Department "No no that's fine shove that 20 pound set all around the yard... those shoes aren't hell and a half to change..."
The Missabe Road: Safety First
Time to set the trains down and tell her your going out with the boys to the bar . Everynight.
Put out an ad for a girl to take care of the horse for you. Make sure you show special interest in the hot ones that apply. ( in front of her).
tell her how happy you are when you get home at 3am stinkin knee walkin drunk that she got you away from a stupid harmless hobby like silly choo choo (puke on her now) trains.
Now start putting on the spurs and ask her where the halter is cause NOW YOUR READY TO SHOW HER A GOOD TIME!!! now quickly pass out taking up the whole bed.
as I see it, one of 3 things is going to happen,
1. She's going to like the new you. (get rid of her)
2. She's going to let you go back to your old ways. ( get rid of her)
3. She's going to put something hot on and want to run trains and take care of horses, cook, clean, and take care of bussiness like a catholic school ***. ( send her to me).
feel free to ask for free advise on the internet anytime.
Glenn
If when you are "with her" you are with her and give 100% of your attention to her, she will appreciate that. More than likely, no one else ever did as much. This does not mean those times when you are doing one thing and she is doing another.
If she gets 100% when you are with her and still demands that she get all your attention, then it doesn't matter that you give up your horse, your trains, etc. because anything else you think about will have to go too as well. No one can give 100% of their attention 100% of the time.
If she talks about the horse and trains, its not about the horse and trains.
Speaking as someone who has been a modeler for 35 years and married for 25 years, you need to make sure she knows a few things.
1. She is your girlfriend, not your third girlfriend. The other things are your hobbies.
2. Your hobbies are part of who you are. If she tries to change that one of the two of you or both, will end up being very disappointed
3. Most model railroaders I know are pretty normal guys. They don't go drinking a lot and they don't go gambling a lot (they are saving the money for the next new engine). Would she rather that you were in your basement running trains or out on the town running around with the guys? It is very unlikely that you will meet another girl to compete for your affections in your basement next to the coal mine.
On the other hand, there have to be some things that you have to do to.
1. Make sure you devote quality time to her and do some things she likes.
2. Let her know in advance when you have things planned, so it won't be a suprise.
Its worked for over 25 years for me.
Dave H.
Dave H. Painted side goes up. My website : wnbranch.com
Once she realizes that SHE is the third girlfriend, things will be fine.
Or not.
Dave
Just be glad you don't have to press "2" for English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_ALEdDUB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hqFS1GZL4s
http://s73.photobucket.com/user/steemtrayn/media/MovingcoalontheDCM.mp4.html?sort=3&o=27
In all honesty, I'm not sure we're the people to ask. We'd be like the nerdy (and I'm a self-admitted bookworm) friends sitting and giggling a bit stereotypically at a table in the back.
I've never had a girlfriend as I'm in high school and see relationships as an impedement to my studies, so I guess my other advice will not be of much help. But what I will say is whether she does not truly take it to a confrontational level and whether you can reasonably keep your hobby. There will tend to be a few snags, a bit of nagging, and a bit of disagreement, but I believe only a problem when it is one way, or no way. Probably best to pay attention to the people with experience. David has a good idea up there.
I have had several girlfriends that really didn't mind my layout. The last one Ihad acted like she didn't mind but when we broke up she said she thought it was stupid. Now a few years later my wife is into it now. She enjoys working on it, and she's tried weathering some cars as well. Maybe you should try to get her to do something with your layout. Ask her for some ideas or whatever. If that doesn't work, no need to break up due to a horse and a layout. I guess I am suggesting is that, you should try to get her into them. I am sure it will all work out.
"Rust, whats not to love?"
Hello everybody,
I am getting into a corner here with my girlfriend. She calls my horse my second girlfriend and the construction of my layout as my third girlfriend. Once the trains are rolling the fun will really start-this she does not yet know. Now the question is where is this going in her mind? My mind is simple, the horse and layout do not talk back and are a lot of fun. Is it time to find someone that is more understanding? Mind you the last one thought that the plywood was wasted which now has a wired yard on it. That remark and the horse-glue-factory comments done in that relationship. So this one is an improvement.
So my question that I put out there is it time to move on? I am afraid that this is just the start of a slippery slope to no railroad and no horse with this one as well, or at least a lot of nagging and complaining.
Thank you for the replies
"If you need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm."