Maybe I missed this somewhere...have you actually sat down with her and pointed out how this makes you feel? Have you taken a stance on this topic and fully communicated your position?
Your horses and trains are part of you and bring you happiness. If she is trying to remove things from you which make you happy, then you will end up resenting her. Any person (man or woman) who seeks to separate you from pursuits worthy of your time and talents will likewise attempt to isolate you from friends and family in an effort to establish themselves as the dominant force in your life. If you give in now, you'll give in more later. In doing so, you've condemned yourself to a life of misery.
The Cedar Branch & Western--The Hillbilly Line!
da_kraut wrote: Hello everybody,I am getting into a corner here with my girlfriend. She calls my horse my second girlfriend and the construction of my layout as my third girlfriend. Once the trains are rolling the fun will really start-this she does not yet know. Now the question is where is this going in her mind? My mind is simple, the horse and layout do not talk back and are a lot of fun. Is it time to find someone that is more understanding? Mind you the last one thought that the plywood was wasted which now has a wired yard on it. That remark and the horse-glue-factory comments done in that relationship. So this one is an improvement.So my question that I put out there is it time to move on? I am afraid that this is just the start of a slippery slope to no railroad and no horse with this one as well, or at least a lot of nagging and complaining.Thank you for the replies
Hello everybody,
I am getting into a corner here with my girlfriend. She calls my horse my second girlfriend and the construction of my layout as my third girlfriend. Once the trains are rolling the fun will really start-this she does not yet know. Now the question is where is this going in her mind? My mind is simple, the horse and layout do not talk back and are a lot of fun. Is it time to find someone that is more understanding? Mind you the last one thought that the plywood was wasted which now has a wired yard on it. That remark and the horse-glue-factory comments done in that relationship. So this one is an improvement.
So my question that I put out there is it time to move on? I am afraid that this is just the start of a slippery slope to no railroad and no horse with this one as well, or at least a lot of nagging and complaining.
Thank you for the replies
You could try getting her to try the hobby I guess. It might not be the case now but back in "the olden days" a lot of girls grew up hating trains because they wanted the train set that their brother ended up getting...and never let her play with. Try letting her run a train or ask for a suggestion building a structure. "What could I use for curtains in this house??"
BTW if you ever find the Dec 1971 MR pick it up for the "Model Railroading and the Marriage" article !!
Otherwise might be time to let her go. (BTW it does seem odd - a girl that doesn't like horses.) Anyway, at least you're finding out now. My wife used to like seeing the layout and even went to some train things with me when we were dating, now as often as not she rants about me spending too much on the hobby (instead of using the money to support her family) and how model railroaders are all "a bunch of retards" etc. Same thing with bowling - she used to come watch me once in a while in league, now she gets mad about being left alone every Wednesday night (even though half the time she doesn't talk to me when I am home). O well.
You will never win. Also, reality will rear its ugly head and some years down the line you will realize you are a Big boy playing with trains. I don't care how prototypical your layout is or how expense your brass trains are, you are still a Big boy playing with trains. Get use to it.
Rich
If you ever fall over in public, pick yourself up and say “sorry it’s been a while since I inhabited a body.” And just walk away.
Get rid of her. The bus comes by every 10 minutes. Sounds like she wants your undivided attention, at all times. It will only get worse, not better. I just saved you from a lifetime of grief. That will be $50 for the session, please.
dehusman wrote:Speaking as someone who has been a modeler for 35 years and married for 25 years, you need to make sure she knows a few things.1. She is your girlfriend, not your third girlfriend. The other things are your hobbies.2. Your hobbies are part of who you are. If she tries to change that one of the two of you or both, will end up being very disappointed3. Most model railroaders I know are pretty normal guys. They don't go drinking a lot and they don't go gambling a lot (they are saving the money for the next new engine). Would she rather that you were in your basement running trains or out on the town running around with the guys? It is very unlikely that you will meet another girl to compete for your affections in your basement next to the coal mine.On the other hand, there have to be some things that you have to do to. 1. Make sure you devote quality time to her and do some things she likes.2. Let her know in advance when you have things planned, so it won't be a suprise.Its worked for over 25 years for me.Dave H.
Speaking as someone who has been a modeler for 35 years and married for 25 years, you need to make sure she knows a few things.
1. She is your girlfriend, not your third girlfriend. The other things are your hobbies.
2. Your hobbies are part of who you are. If she tries to change that one of the two of you or both, will end up being very disappointed
3. Most model railroaders I know are pretty normal guys. They don't go drinking a lot and they don't go gambling a lot (they are saving the money for the next new engine). Would she rather that you were in your basement running trains or out on the town running around with the guys? It is very unlikely that you will meet another girl to compete for your affections in your basement next to the coal mine.
On the other hand, there have to be some things that you have to do to.
1. Make sure you devote quality time to her and do some things she likes.
2. Let her know in advance when you have things planned, so it won't be a suprise.
Its worked for over 25 years for me.
Dave H.
I think Dave has summed it up pretty well. This same idea works between my wife and I. She isn't involved in my hobby but likes that I have one that keeps me interested and encourages me to keep with it even if I get frustrated.
Modeling the fictional B&M Dowe, NH branch in the early 50's.
Hoople wrote: Yoshi, We'd be the guys giggling in the back of the room?Not exactly... Well at least not me. (Maybe this is why my friend called me a nerd/cool guy... Half nerd, Half cool... Don't make much sense to me neither...)
Yoshi, We'd be the guys giggling in the back of the room?
Not exactly... Well at least not me. (Maybe this is why my friend called me a nerd/cool guy... Half nerd, Half cool... Don't make much sense to me neither...)
Just wait...You two will have your share of girl headaches to deal when you get older!
Most guys I know who do trains are pretty handy carpenters, can figure out problems with electricity, plumbing, and a leaky roof, and don't mind squishing bugs, changing light bulbs, or opening pickle jars.
The skill sets we develop in the hobby have a lot of real world applications. As for the relationship, you be you are. If she don't like it, wait till something better comes along.
Model railroader 35 years
Married 23 years. Remember, on the railroad, seniority rules!
Lee
(Don't let HER read that last part! I'd be out on the street!)
Route of the Alpha Jets www.wmrywesternlines.net
Since horse's have been with me all my life and model railroading almost all my life I feel somewhat qualified to comment.
Seems to me quite a few girls really like horses a lot. When I was a little kid my dad gave me a paint horse. All of a sudden I had lots of little girlfriends that I didn't really want. When I was a teenager I rode hunter jumpers. Girls out numbered guys 15 to 1 and I had lots of girlfriends that I did really want. As I got a little older I started playing polo and again another target rich environment. The only place I worked that didn't have droves of horse loving women around was a race horse stable.
My wife was never much of a rider but loved the horses. She understood that they required constant attention and that weekends were always workdays too. Model railroading was never an issue with any girlfriend I ever had and only on occasion with my wife when I get so involved with a project that I tune out the family evening after evening. Even then she holds me responsible for ignoring her or the kids not my trains.
So.......Never give up your horse unless it becomes unable to do its job or you can get such good price for it that you can buy two or three more. Never give up trains unless they no longer provide interest. The right girl will not have a problem with either one. Get that horse out and meet all those girls who love horses even if you have a girlfriend. Never hurts to have backup.
But here's something to consider. That paint horse my dad gave me was a two year old beautiful wild bucking problem that he got cheap to see if I could do anything with her. I called her Patches. After a few weeks in the round pen, many bumps, bruises and some busted ribs Patches and I came to an understanding. She eventually would do anything she was asked but never gave up her spirit. She became one of the very best horses I've ever had the privilege of riding partly due to her outstanding ability but mostly due to her guts.
Now my wife and I got off to a rocky start too. She was a young beautiful hard to handle wild one as well. I'm sure I was just as difficult. It took longer to come to terms with her than any wild horse. But we eventually saw eye to eye and over the years our love only got stronger and stronger. Its been been 23 years now and she has just as much spirit as ever.....maybe even more. We can deal with anything together.
So the right horse might bite and pitch you into dirt and right women might too. You have to draw the line at some point but sometimes if you give the bad one a chance and can take a beating you can end up with the best ride you'll ever have.
Bruce
Allow me to tell a joke (with a moral at the end). Let's see if I can remember how this goes....
A fellow was talking to his friend about his impending divorce. His friend asked why they were splitting up. The guy said "You remember, in my younger days, how we used to go bar-hopping, shoot pool, drink beer, drive old pick-ups, listen to country music, and all the other redneck stuff, don't you?" His buddy says "Yeah, and then what happened to you, after you got married?" The first fellow replies "Well, my wife didn't care for all that, so she sent me to etiquette school, taught me to appreciate opera and classical music, eat french and other exquisette cuisine, taste fine wines, play golf, drive fancy cars, and all the other fine cultured things I now enjoy." The second fellow says "Yeah, I know, but that doesn't explain the divorce." The first guy replied "Well, now that I'm all cultured and stuff, she isn't good enough for me anymore."
The moral is, be careful what you want, you just might get it. Or something like that. It has something to do with being careful about what you do to others, it may backfire on you (this applies to guys and gals).
Brad
EMD - Every Model Different
ALCO - Always Leaking Coolant and Oil
CSX - Coal Spilling eXperts
I second what the Canuck has brought to the table
Your interests do make up your character. I just read on a picture while I was at the building department trying to pull a permit, which stated:
"Watch your thoughts, for they become your Words. Watch your words for they become your Actions. Watch your Actions, for they become your habits. Watch your Habits for they become your Personality. Watch your Personality, for it becomes your character. What your Character, for it becomes your legacy." .........or something like that.
Your talents and hobbies are what make you. That is what makes everyone different. If we didn't have this then this world would be very boring, or everyone would love Golf. (I'm just kidding, I love golf)
My wife of 5 years never had a clue that I loved trains, because there was a time that trains moved over and girls moved in. Right before the birth of our son, I some how found myself in a hobby shop buying the Model Railroader. I couldn't put it down. Of course she knew that there was a new magazine in the house besides her People and whatever else, but after making a few jokes, and her whole family making a few jokes (wait, everyone is still making a few jokes), she didn't mind it so much. She didn't understand it and still doesn't but she knows that I love it, and that is fine with her.
What I've learned:
The jokes are her way of dealing with it. Either she jokes for fun in a way to flirt or, she is a little jealous that you send more time with your other loves and not much with her. I'm guessing the second. This is good because that means that she likes you and want you to be around her more.
You need our hobbies and she needs hers. There will be a time when you need your space and she needs hers. You need your time to be out with the boys even if it is Santa Fe and Southern Pacific, or Bulleye (or Ned or Silver.......Mr. Ed, whatever) And there are things that she might like too. If trains or horses are one of them then let her in. Maybe that's another reason that she jokes.
I'll I'm saying is don't kick her to the curb just because of some little jokes. She is with you because she likes your personality, good looks and smok'n body (or is that why you are with her?) If she tries to change you then you might as well cut off your marbles, wrap them up, and give them to her because you won't need them. She's the man now. If that be the case then she isn't worth it. She doesn't care about the real you. Move on, there are bigger and better fish in the sea. Yes, lots of fish in the sea, guys! Don't settle just because.
--Zak Gardner
My Layout Blog: http://mrl369dude.blogspot.com
http://zgardner18.rrpicturearchives.net
VIEW SLIDE SHOW: CLICK ON PHOTO BELOW
At the end of the day, it's pretty simple.
Yes, model railroading and horses are only hobbies, but they are, afterall, your passions. As long as they are pursued in a way that doesn't make the GF play second fiddle to them, it should be no problem. She, presumably, will have passions of her own as well that you don't necessarily share. An understanding GF or wife will be happy to let you enjoy your passions, just as you should be happy to let her enjoy hers.
BUT, if they try to make you give them up entirely, this is a warning sign of intolerance and a control freak. Why would anyone force someone they love to give up their passions (assuming they are pursued in a moderate, not obsessive way)? I once tried to re-invent myself for somebody and it was a complete failure...this ol' tiger just can't change his stripes.
Ultimately, if the two things you are most pasionate about in life (other than her) are deemed "unacceptable", then I suggest you move on. There's a big difference between reasonable, balanced compromise and servitude.
Cheers, and good luck.
marknewton wrote: SpaceMouse wrote: What I was responding to in the post you commented on was the people that were acting like model railroading was the most important thing and if a woman couldn't live with the fact that she'd be second fiddle to boy toys she should hit the road. That's not exactly the way I took your previous post, but if you want to include yourself in that lot, I'll bite. No, I don't include myself in "that lot", because I don't think her playing second fiddle to boy's toys is the issue. My impression is that, like many women, she wants to make him into something different from what he currently is. If it wasn't trains and horses, it would be sport, or music, or 9th century Byzantine ecclesiastical architecture. If you were honest about this Chip, you'd acknowledge that there is a fair number of women out there who look upon their men as simply raw material to be shaped and moulded to their whims. If she can't accept that he's not going to change, then she should hit the road.Cheers,Mark.
SpaceMouse wrote: What I was responding to in the post you commented on was the people that were acting like model railroading was the most important thing and if a woman couldn't live with the fact that she'd be second fiddle to boy toys she should hit the road. That's not exactly the way I took your previous post, but if you want to include yourself in that lot, I'll bite.
What I was responding to in the post you commented on was the people that were acting like model railroading was the most important thing and if a woman couldn't live with the fact that she'd be second fiddle to boy toys she should hit the road. That's not exactly the way I took your previous post, but if you want to include yourself in that lot, I'll bite.
I concede that the point you make could be true, but like you are accusing me, it is possible you are making a supposition? Are you assuming we are getting the whole story from our friend? While I know that it is impossible for a model railroader to make an error in judgment, exaggerate or be blinded by emotion, in an imperfect world, there looms the possibility that gentleman in question might be thinking of other things, say SD40s, when he is with the young lady. She might feel it necessary to mention it to him. She is not being controlling, just asking for the respect that is due.
If he was a lesser man, he then might feel threatened by this and take rash action especially if goaded on by his peers. But the young man in question does seem rational enough to make up his own mind.
Chip
Building the Rock Ridge Railroad with the slowest construction crew west of the Pecos.
SpaceMouse wrote:Mark,I wasn't going to get sucked into a debate with you over this, but I figure since you challenged my dedication to the hobby of model railroading...
Mark,
I wasn't going to get sucked into a debate with you over this, but I figure since you challenged my dedication to the hobby of model railroading...
Now if I could find a hobby that he liked better and I could enjoy would I switch? In a heatbeat.
SpaceMouse wrote:What I was responding to in the post you commented on was the people that were acting like model railroading was the most important thing and if a woman couldn't live with the fact that she'd be second fiddle to boy toys she should hit the road. That's not exactly the way I took your previous post, but if you want to include yourself in that lot, I'll bite.
Dave
Just be glad you don't have to press "2" for English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_ALEdDUB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hqFS1GZL4s
http://s73.photobucket.com/user/steemtrayn/media/MovingcoalontheDCM.mp4.html?sort=3&o=27
Thank you for all the replies. Many angles were taken by the advice offered. A lot of the wisdom and knowledge has been conveyed and it is all very appreciated. All the comments will be re-read quite a number of times and then a solution will be had.
Thank you again
Frank
"If you need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm."
I wasn't going to get sucked into a debate with you over this, but I figure since you challenged my dedication to the hobby of model railroading, I'll answer it this way.
3 years ago I was the 3rd ranked duelist (one handed) Cowboy Action Shooter in the state of Pennsylvania. The next year, I gave it up cold turkey because my autistic son showed an interest in trains. I wanted something I could do with him and visualizing him holding UT4 made a lot more sense than him holding a tricked out .38 wth a 1# trigger pull.
I always enjoy seeing your take on things. I do agree with you on one thing. We don't see enough to make a call on the relationship at hand. I had already responded to that issue.
SpaceMouse wrote:I disagree with what many of the posters are saying. I don't give a rat's hind end whether not my wife likes trains. This is a hobby folks, it's not like itself. It is not who you are.
I disagree with what many of the posters are saying. I don't give a rat's hind end whether not my wife likes trains. This is a hobby folks, it's not like itself. It is not who you are.
If you think about it, model railroading ranks way below health, family, spouse, finances, relationships, spirituality, honor, personal integrity, career, and friends
What you should be looking for in a relationship is someone that shares your values in all the important things...you want a relationship with a person you can love and respect
I'll admit I was kind of skimming, but here's my take.
Get rid of the horses -- or get her a horse and let her take care of them all.
That way you've got more time with the ironhorses!
Well, who knows, maybe that isn't the best approach...
Really though, pay her lots of attention when you're with her and minimalize the discussion about whatever kind of horses if that is what seems to set this off. You'll know soon enough whether that's the real issue or she's a control freak. That should be your objective if she is, well, interesting to you long term.
I'm lucky, as my GF really likes trains. Not an issue.
I don't have horses, but my sister always has a soft spot for them, so I assume that most women could relate to them. That is what's telling me that you may need to give her more of your undivided attention when you're together.
Good luck and congrats! You're thinking long-term, while still in the short-term. It'll either work out -- or you'll move on to other opportunities. You'll be happy either way, although one may take longer...
It's the NOT thinking about such things that gets us guys into trouble.
Mike Lehman
Urbana, IL
Wal, I came to this thread very late here is my two cents.
I am married. That means that I think and act for two people and my spouse does the same. When one of us does something that the other did not see coming there is a problem.... maybe.
Girlfriends are difficult. Wives even more so.
Now before I get into this... understand that I spent some time tending to brood mares and thier fillys and foals at a young age and had a good work experience with that. The Horses are in need of every day care, feeding, grooming, tack cleaning, medications, vet checks, good land to run and graze on, lots of water, removal of used stall bedding and associated wastes etc etc etc etc. What do we get? Well.. I think that sometimes taking care of the horses is getting exercise and lots of sun and rain instead of commuting to a cubicle with a bunch of gossip birds or a passed over Boss.
Most Females that I have met over the years take readily to tending to the horses. It may sound weird but something about horses kicks thier mother instinct into action. It is no problem working around horses for the Females that I have met over the years.
Particularly when a Foal is in a bad mood with me and turns into a kittycat with a female caretaker. That is probably what it was. (We had breeding barn a distance away.. but that is not suitable for this thread)
If your Girl Friend cannot or is not willing to display teamwork or perhaps work alongside you with these daily chores with the horses it is a good chance that particular Female will not make a suitable wife in the future.
Perhaps the lady has Zero experience with horses and is intimidated. I dont know.
Trains. Well, if it becomes a problem with the Lady along with the Horses then you probably are going to have to think on the relationship.
However, if someone loves you enough to want to be your Girlfriend that person deserves 100% of your attention, time and focus when she is with you. You can try to teach her about caring for horses by going to the bale barn and getting out the timothy and alfalfa and taking it to them together in the morning.
That usually sorts out many things before either of you goes too far with a relationship that may not work.
In fact, disregarding trains for the moment, I think that this relationship will not last because of the Horses and the Care they demand.
If this was just about trains only then you already are probably going to fight about them after marriage. Dont waste either of your time.
Personally I have always deemed Girlfriends who show total self gratification without any kind of "Teamwork" or... "Work together" behavior as unsuitable mates. You are probably going to end up fighting over anything minor or major.
Now my wife... she can run with the big dogs as they say and some days there is NO trains at all just keeping up with her.. frankly Im very proud of her despite challenges in her life.
I dont do well with advice but if anything else, the Horses will sort it out. IF the Girl wont go outside in the rain at 6 in the morning to help you wash the buckets and move hay then she is not the one for you.
It's just that simple. Of course you can marry her and make her your wife on that farm.. be prepared to be hauling in Horse Supplies while she heads out to the mall for shoes or stuff nearly the entire day.
Trains are a hobby, Horses are Beings that have needs just like we do and if you are not going to care for them, then they need to be sent to others who will provide the care otherwise it becomes abuse.
One day, while looking at the layout, my girl friend said, "Well, they were here first". The attitude/realization that you do have other things you like to do is necessary. As mentioned, the real problem is when your partner doesn't have other things to do and expects you to entertain them.
Having said that, work on the layout is slow because girl friends ALWAYS WANT 100% OF YOUR ATTENTION 100% OF THE TIME". If we didn't live a couple hundred miles apart nothing would get done on the trains.
The good news? Usually wives require/want a bit less attention. I think it has to do with the ownership thing. However, you do have to do your share of the housework.
Good Luck