Meet Nevada Bob

Dear reader,

You're no doubt by now familiar with "Smilin' Bob," the television spokesman for the drug Enzyte. But you're probably not familiar with his cousin, "Nevada Bob." Rather than me making the introduction, I'll let Robert "Nevada Bob" Alan Kemp introduce himself in his own words: "A simple single mere mortal non-learned man." 

Nevada Bob does business at the Surface Transportation Board as the Nevada Central Railroad. According to Wikipedia, the Nevada Central operated a narrow gauge railroad between Battle Mountain and Austin, Nev., from 1879 to 1938. My first quarter 2011 Official Guide shows no such beast currently in operation. But I'm not writing to criticize. You see, Nevada Bob has devised a high speed railroad passenger and freight system that's 22 times more efficient than industry leader Union Pacific's operations. And if it weren't for a criminal federal judge who's part of a mafia controlled by a major religious group, the industry could be benefiting from Nevada Bob's revolutionary invention. 

This shocking revelation comes in a routine abandonment case involving UP's Lexington Industrial Lead, a 1.9-mile ex-Missouri Pacific spur that connects Myrick and Lexington, Mo. Before you click the link, be forewarned that the filing contains claims that may be offensive to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, supporters of Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and to people who passed eighth-grade English. If you want to skip the boilerplate paranoid accusations and skip right to the good stuff, download the file and scroll down to page 3.

The filing raises key questions. Why does UP hate Nevada Bob? How does a "low pressure ultra low emissions liquid fuel system that costs about 1.3 cents per gallon" work? And are the commissioners at the Surface Transportation Board giggling about this filing as hard as I am? 

Finally, how hard is it to start doing business as an obscure, defunct shortline railroad? Because I think it would be fun to be addressed as the St. Helen, Houghton Lake & Western Railroad. Though maybe I'll check with my wife before getting my driver's license changed.