jokes

[Anonymous]

any one got any jokes[?][:D][:-,]

[Anonymous]

was this not a good idea?

[cacole]

I know some, but they're not suitable for a family-oriented site.....

[dave9999]

We Should Get Out!



It is time to take a serious look at our involvement there. Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on the TV are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?



The land is too large to secure all of it. The bad people causing this damage can roam anywhere, and we can't possibly police the whole place.

Why are we still there?



We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?



Their government is unstable, and in the process of changing.

Why are we still there?



Refugees are fleeing by the thousands, driven from their homes.

Why are we still there?



It will cost billions to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?



There are more than 1000 religious sects. We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?



And to repeat: Every day we hear of more Americans killed in this dangerous land.





It is clear. We must abandon California now!

[Anonymous]

Ok, here's a train related joke.

A man and a woman are travelling on an overnight train. When it comes time to turn in, they find that they have both been assigned to the same room. After getting over their initial discomfort about sharing a room with a stranger, they realize that things will be fine, as there are two separate bunks.

The man decides to take the upper bunk, and the woman is happy with the lower bunk. They settle in.

At about two in the morning, the man wakes up shivering. He calls to the woman:

"Ma'am, since youare on the lower bunk, do you think you could reach me a blanket? It is awfully cold up here."

The woman replies, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Alright!" says the man.

"Good," says the woman. "Get your own #%@& blanket."


Andrew

[Eriediamond]

HOHOHOHOHOH,HAHAHAHAHAHHA OOPS!!!!!![(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][:-,]

[Anonymous]

3 old codgers, half blind, half deaf. sitting in a train as it pulls into the station.
"Is it Wembley" says the 1st.
"No it's Thursday" says the 2nd
"So am I" said No 3 "Let's go get a drink"

[Eriediamond]

Stolen from another forum: Cowboy out riding comes accroos an indian all sprawl out on rr track with his ear to a rail. Upon seeing the cowboy, indian say's, two big engines and 65 cars rooling in direction of setting sun. Cowboy say's, gee, you can tell all that by just listening to the rails. Indian say's, no you idiot, it just ran over me, now how about some help here!!

[Anonymous]

good one

[Anonymous]

There was a cartoon in the Walthers catalog several years ago. An Indian has his ear on a rail and says to his fellow braves, "Two SD40-2s, a GP-38, and an F7."

[CNW-400]

Two blondes are walking in the woods looking for fuzzy animals to take pictures of.
They come across what the first blonde says are deer tracks.
The other blonde says she is wrong, they are bear tracks.
They were still arguing when the train ran them over.

[Hawks05]

don't have any train jokes but here's one i found to be pretty cool:

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

i had a whole bunch more that i was looking at earlier. but now i can't remember any of them. oh here's one,

Can a stupid person be a smart ***?

[Eriediamond]

another one: Blind man wals into bar, sits down and orders a beer. Place is kind of dead so he asks the bartender if they would like to hear a blond train joke. Bar tender say's sure but it's only fair to warn you I'm a blond, the woman on your right is a blond wrestler, the woman next to her is a blond construction worker and woman on your left is a blond roller derby star. Now knowing that do you still want to tell that joke, she asks. The blind man thought for a minute then said, Naw, not if I have to explain it 4 times!!!!

[Seamonster]

I can't resist!
These three technicians and three engineers were travelling to a convention together by train. (Substitute your favourite two occupations--I was a technician and despite having many engineer friends, we did have our opiinions of them!) The engineers each bought a ticket but the three techs. bought only one ticket. "How are you going to get on the train with just one ticket?" asked the enginners. "Just wait and see," said the techs.

When they boarded the train, the three techs squeezed into the washroom and when the conductor came by collecting tickets, he knocked on the washroom door and called, "Tickets!" A hand thrust out the ticket and he punched it. The enginners thought this was a great idea, and on the way back, they bought only one ticket. They squeezed themselves into the washroom and after the train got under way, one of the techs. knocked on the door and called "Tickets!"

Enjoy.

[AggroJones]

You're not a railroader if you think "blind driver" means a visually impaired chauffeur!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by masonjar

Ok, here's a train related joke.

A man and a woman are travelling on an overnight train. When it comes time to turn in, they find that they have both been assigned to the same room. After getting over their initial discomfort about sharing a room with a stranger, they realize that things will be fine, as there are two separate bunks.

The man decides to take the upper bunk, and the woman is happy with the lower bunk. They settle in.

At about two in the morning, the man wakes up shivering. He calls to the woman:

"Ma'am, since youare on the lower bunk, do you think you could reach me a blanket? It is awfully cold up here."

The woman replies, "I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Alright!" says the man.

"Good," says the woman. "Get your own #%@& blanket."


Andrew

PRICELESS![tup][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][tup]

[Anonymous]

This one's had me giggling for days. Some may not get it, my apologies to my Italian friends in advance, it was one of your countrymen who told it to me !

This old time Italian plumber named Luigi, and his new bride Virginia take a honeymoon to Florida. When he gets back to his old New York neighborhood his friends ask him how it was.
" Florida, ita was a nice! Warma sun, blue water, nice beaches, and my Virginia, she loved it a soooo much! But I tell you, the train ride aback, it was a notso nice."
" Why is that?" his friends ask .
" Virginia, she pack a picnic lunch for da ride aback" he said. " Late in the day, we decide to eat in the coach, but here comes Mr Conductor."
"No, no no, you can't eat in here, dis is da coach car, you hafta eat in the dining car!"
" So me and Virginia, we pack up and we movea to the dining car, where we hava lunch and some vino. After lunch, I decide to have a cigar, then here comes Mr Conductor again saying",
"No no no! You canna smoke in here, this is the dining car, you gotta smoke in da smoking car!"
" So I tell Virginia I will meet her later in the sleeping car and I go to da smoking car to relax. Later I meet Virginia in da sleeping car, and after a few more glasses of vino, I start tryin to make amore with my new bride, when here coma dat Conductor again, hollerin"

"NORFOLKA VIRGINIA!"

" Next timea,,,,,,I take da bus!"

[(-D][swg][(-D][swg][(-D][swg]

[mloik]

Hey Karlb,

That reminds me of a great Chico Marx routine! Thanks!

There were many railroad-related Marx Bros. routines across time.

Michael from California

[Anonymous]

The Railroad Switchman
Old Black Rufus is the railroad switchman for the Chicago Choo-Choo Line. One night there is a terrible accident at Rufus' crossing, involving the Mexico Midnight Express and Senator Dingbat's old Toyota car - which is totally destroyed, along with the "good old" senator. Naturally, Old Rufus is the chief witness at the court hearing, and the entire case hinges upon whether Rufus has displayed his warning signal. The lawyers give Rufus an intense series of questions, but Rufus sticks to his story. "I was standing there, your honor," cries Rufus, "and I was waving my lamp around so hard my arm almost came off. But the senator just paid no damned attention!" Later, Chicago Choo-Choo chairman, Chester Cheese, congratulates Rufus on his unwavering testimony. "I thought for sure," says Chester, "that those darn lawyers would scare you, and make you change your story." "No, sir! No, sir!" exclaims Rufus. "But I am glad they didn't ask me if my lamp was switched on!"

Author Unknown

[ndbprr]

This is a true story. When I worked at Armco Steel in Middletown Ohio they were still operating two open hearth furnaces that require very long trains of charging cars with scrap be brought to the floor and dumped and then removed. One open hearth had inbound and outbound tracks with crossovers at each furnace. A frog cracked one time in one of the tunrouts and the crew came to replace it. One of the workers used a torch to cut the heads off the bolts in the process and went a little to quickly across one of them. Some of the metal splashed on his arm and burned him not bad but enough to require medical attention. After the nurse had taken care of the burn she had to fill out an incident report so she asked how it happened and without thinking the guy say's, "Oh, I was burning the nuts off a frog when I got burned". He leaves and she reports him for foul language. Next day he has a slip with his time card telling him he is suspended for three days for his comments to the nurse. It never got past the first stage grievance where everybody but the nurse got a huge laugh out of the situation.

[dave9999]

ndbprr,
Now thats funny. Dave

[CNW-400]

How are toy trains like womens breasts?


They're both meant for kids, but it's the dad's that like to play with them

[Anonymous]

QUOTE:
This old time Italian plumber named Luigi, and his new bride Virginia take a honeymoon to Florida. When he gets back to his old New York neighborhood his friends ask him how it was.
" Florida, ita was a nice! Warma sun, blue water, nice beaches, and my Virginia, she loved it a soooo much! But I tell you, the train ride aback, it was a notso nice."
" Why is that?" his friends ask .
" Virginia, she pack a picnic lunch for da ride aback" he said. " Late in the day, we decide to eat in the coach, but here comes Mr Conductor."
"No, no no, you can't eat in here, dis is da coach car, you hafta eat in the dining car!"
" So me and Virginia, we pack up and we movea to the dining car, where we hava lunch and some vino. After lunch, I decide to have a cigar, then here comes Mr Conductor again saying",
"No no no! You canna smoke in here, this is the dining car, you gotta smoke in da smoking car!"
" So I tell Virginia I will meet her later in the sleeping car and I go to da smoking car to relax. Later I meet Virginia in da sleeping car, and after a few more glasses of vino, I start tryin to make amore with my new bride, when here coma dat Conductor again, hollerin"

"NORFOLKA VIRGINIA!"

" Next timea,,,,,,I take da bus!"

[(-D][swg][(-D][swg][(-D][swg]

Another hilarious gem! This one's worthy of printing and framing![bow][(-D][(-D][(-D][bow]

[ddechamp71]

Question: what is a clever blonde?
Answer: a golden retriever

[ddechamp71]

Another one (sorry not railroad, but aviation related):
-just after take off, the captain takes his microphone and tells on the Public Address:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome onboard this B737, whe are currently climbing to our cruise altitude of 31000 ft, outside temperature is 0°F, whe hope you'll have a pleasant flight with us....", and this done, says:
"OK, very well, let's have a cup of coffee, and then I'll ask the purser to s..k my d..k."
But the captain only forgot one thing, to remove his finger from the microphone and to switch his PA off....And all 6 cabincrew and all 180 passengers heard his last message...
So the purser rushes to flight deck....Seeing her, one man only stops her and says:
"take your time, don't rush, the captain said he will take his cup of coffe first."

[Anonymous]

Here's a great train joke I heard yesterday.

This guy is walking and says "I wish I could wish one thing" then he heres this voice in the sky thats God. God says this guy can make one wish. The guy says "I don't like to fly but I want to go to Hawaii, I want a road to go there". God says "that would be hard to do could you make another wish like that". The guy says "OK I want Amtrak to be on time all the time". God says "do you want that road 2 lanes or 4?".

[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[Anonymous]

Okay, can we quit with the dirty jokes please? All we're doing is driving away prospective members.

Anyway, here are a few:

1.) Did you hear about the man who took a Southern Pacific train from LA to San Fracisco one night for no aparent reason? Apparently he was off on a lark.

2.) Did you hear about the Southern Pacific locomotive painter who didn't like spiders? Apparently he gave a Black Widow a bloody nose.

3.) Did you hear about the person who rode only Union Pacific streamliners because they were safer? Apparently the Armour Yellow and Shields went to his head. He also never rode NYC streamliners because they attracted lightning strikes.

Hope you had some laughs,
Daniel

[AggroJones]

QUOTE: Originally posted by trainjunky29

Okay, can we quit with the dirty jokes please? All we're doing is driving away prospective members.

Anyway, here are a few:

1.) Did you hear about the man who took a Southern Pacific train from LA to San Fracisco one night for no aparent reason? Apparently he was off on a lark.

2.) Did you hear about the Southern Pacific locomotive painter who didn't like spiders? Apparently he gave a Black Widow a bloody nose.

3.) Did you hear about the person who rode only Union Pacific streamliners because they were safer? Apparently the Armour Yellow and Shields went to his head. He also never rode NYC streamliners because they attracted lightning strikes.

Hope you had some laughs,
Daniel

[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]