Uncle Andre's Advice Column

[andrechapelon]

From time to time yours truly will publish answers to the burning model railroad questions of the day in an attempt to bring a crystal clarity to the minds of my fellow hobbyists.

Why you ask? Well this is the WGH (World's Greatest Hobby) and I am the WGLA (World's Greatest Living Authority [(-D] ). I would be remiss in my duty to bring understanding enlightenment to a confused world if I failed to act.

What follows below is just a start. Over the months and years ahead, virtually every model railroad topic the world can think of will be covered.

Here goes:

-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Andre,

I’m a 14 year old boy who is interested in model railroading. My parents, however, think my hobby is childish and that I should be doing something else. Can you help me?

Lou Ghee

Dear Lou,

You are obviously a young man of breeding, education and refinement. Those people who call themselves your parents are mouth breathing, knuckle-dragging barbarians. The truth is that you were obviously kidnapped as a baby. I would suggest you embark on a search for your real parents immediately. The best place to start is a group called “I’m A Model Railroader And My Parents Are Neanderthals” that I founded a few years ago. The group’s sole purpose is to unite young model railroaders with their true biological parents.

Andre

====================================

Dear Andre,

I have 2 Athearn Genesis Mikados and 1 Pacific with split gears. I’ve tried my best to get Athearn to make good on the problem, but to no avail. What do you advise?

Peetoo Kay

Dear Pete,

You, as well as many others, have discovered the downside of outsourcing. Athearn obviously hired some snot-nosed MBA and put him/her in charge of new product development. It’s entirely possible that Athearn hired an authentic SCUMBAG (Santa Clara University MBA Graduate). MBA’s are fanatic true believers in the latest B-school fad. The fad in this case is the outsourcing of those activities that are supposedly outside a given company’s “core competency”. Athearn outsourced the production of its Mikados and Pacifics to another company, thereby losing any control whatsoever of the end product. Apparently, it has never occurred to the B-school moron that, if one’s employer is a manufacturing company, manufacturing is supposed to be a core competency.

As for what you can actually do, I have 2 suggestions. The first is to light up a cigarette because you’ve been screwed and you might as well have that smoke. The second is to get replacement gears from Northwest Shortline and fix the locomotive yourself. By doing so, you will add to the inventory of your own “core competencies”.

Andre

[andrechapelon]

Dear Uncle Andre,

I am a junior in high school and a model railroader. Because I have a part-time job at McDonald's, I have been able to acquire a modest collection of high quality model railroad items and use them as the basis for a small layout. Now, however, I am faced with a dilemma. I have been saving for the purchase of a new Spectrum USRA light 2-10-2. Yesterday, I was absolutely floored when the head cheer leader at my school, Mona Lott, called me out of the blue and invited me to be her date at the Junior Prom. She also hinted that I was going to get lucky after the dance was over. I really want that 2-10-2, but Mona's really, really hot. What do I do?

Jason Horneye

Dear Jason,

Stick with your original plan, get that 2-10-2 and tell Mona, "Thanks, but no thanks". The problem with cheerleaders (as well as jocks) is that high school is as good as it gets for them. Mona's already peaked and the decades ahead represent nothing more than a long slide into oblivion. If you take good care of that 2-10-2, it'll still be looking good at a time when Mona will bear a striking resemblance to the Wicked Witch Of The West.

As for the getting lucky part. Not to worry. I took the liberty of checking the phone book in your town. There's a Mrs. Robinson on the block behind your parent's house. I suggest you make her acquaintance and offer to start mowing her lawn free of charge.

Uncle Andre

[Budliner]

finly some good advice here for a change

now about the regifting thing
B

[dave9999]

[(-D][(-D]

[trainfreek92]

lol!!!! good jokes man (they were jokes right)

[andrechapelon]

Dear Uncle Andre,

I think I have a public relations problem. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me. Guess I'll eat some worms. Long, slim, slimy ones. Short, fat, gooshy ones. Itty bitty, teeny weeny worms.

Mike Wolf - MTH

Dear Mike,

You have more than just a problem. There is a considerable body of opinion in the hobby that regards your company as The Beast and you as the moral equivalent of The Anti-Christ. Whether or not that body of opinion is correct is not for me to say. However, I can be of assistance through my wholly owned affiliate Andre's Amazing Image Makeovers.

For a mere $40,000,000, my company can transform the image of you and your company from that of the Grinch Who Stole Christmas to that of The Greatest Thing Since Sliced Bread. It's a no-lose proposition for you since the worst thing that can happen if I don't transform your image is that you'll gain a great deal of sympathy from those who will suddenly discover that you're not only human like everyone else, but have also become the latest exemplar of P.T. Barnums's dictum with respect to suckers.

Uncle Andre

[Berk-fan284]

Uncle Andre You DA MAN!!!!!!!

[Budliner]

I get no respect at all

[1shado1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Budliner

I get know respect at all

Do you deserve any?[:D]

Jeff

[Virginian]

AT LAST !!! Some good info on this board. :-)

[andrechapelon]

Dear Uncle Andre,

Many years ago when I began building the first version of my model railroad, the Utah Belt, I decided to keep everything contemporary with what happens in the prototype world. Although I am generally satisfied with this decision, occasionally I have twinges of doubt. I would appreciate any feedback you might be willing to share.

Regards,

Eric Brooman

Dear Eric,

That's a tough one. On the one hand, your approach to the hobby is unique. So unique, in fact, that I think you're the only one who uses it. It does keep things interesting, doesn't it?

On the plus side, your model railroad is constantly being refreshed with models representing the latest prototypes. This is all to the good. Nonetheless, I think there may be one fatal flaw in your approach to the hobby. In order to maintain my standing as the WGLA (World's Greatest Living Authority), I have to keep abreast of everything that is going on in the world. I have sources that are telling me that work is well along on a prototype of a machine that, in essence, is a Star Trek transporter. Assuming all the kinks are worked out and that a practical transporter can be mass produced, planes, trains and automobiles will be instantly rendered obsolete. Logically, therefore, you will have to scrap your layout sometime in the near future.

That's the bad news. However, there is a solution. You can immediately backdate the Utah Belt to 1946 and use the exact same concept you were using before, but with a 60 year offset. Given that you and I are rough contemporaries, we will both probably be long gone before the Utah Belt catches up to the present day.

Besides, steam is preferable to diesel any day.

Uncle Andre

[Anonymous]

uncle andre:

im a 14 yearold semi-gothic gearheaded model railroader.

please help my mom and dad understand that a 1 foot wide shelf connecting the 4x8 to a 4x2 reversing loop section wouldnt eat up too much of a fairly large (about 30x10)living room. and help them to understand that the i cant afford cheap rule applies to me as well.

non lethal force is authorized.

thanx,
GEARHEAD426
[8]

[orsonroy]

QUOTE: Originally posted by andrechapelon

Dear Uncle Andre,

I am a junior in high school and a model railroader. Because I have a part-time job at McDonald's, I have been able to acquire a modest collection of high quality model railroad items and use them as the basis for a small layout. Now, however, I am faced with a dilemma. I have been saving for the purchase of a new Spectrum USRA light 2-10-2. Yesterday, I was absolutely floored when the head cheer leader at my school, Mona Lott, called me out of the blue and invited me to be her date at the Junior Prom. She also hinted that I was going to get lucky after the dance was over. I really want that 2-10-2, but Mona's really, really hot. What do I do?

Jason Horneye

Dear Jason,

Bachmann makes their entire product line as regular stock items, and not in the fad "limited run". That means that you'll have YEARS to save up for that 2-10-2. Cheerleaders, OTOH, are fickle, short-attention span creatures that only fall into your lap once in a great while. Moreover, they usually age quickly, due to excessive tanning and face peels. Take advantage of a good thing while the gettin's good.

Your pal,

RAY

[coborn35]

Yes, take the cheerleader!!!!
LOL This is a cool thread!

[jondrd]

UA,
[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]
I've read your current advice as the WGLA and have found it to be generally spot on. Don't know about your advice re the cheerleader. There might be something about her core competancies that should be considered very carefully. And there's that saying, something about a bird in hand is......

Your now avid reader,
Jon

[andrechapelon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jondrd

UA,
[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]
I've read your current advice as the WGLA and have found it to be generally spot on. Don't know about your advice re the cheerleader. There might be something about her core competancies that should be considered very carefully. And there's that saying, something about a bird in hand is......

Your now avid reader,
Jon

Dear Jon,

Suggest you rent DVD of "The Graduate". Mrs. Robinson is vastly superior to any cheerleader. She's forgotten more stuff than any cheerleader will ever know. [:D]

Merry Christmas.

Uncle Andre

[Budliner]

teacher I have to go to the basement

[AggroJones]

Dynamite!

[Anonymous]

And this used to be such a nice family oriented forum, now cheer leaders, Mrs. Robinson. Only one piece of advice "Danger,Danger Will Robinson!!!" from Lost in Space, especially with the title of WGLA claim!
This thread should be saved for three months and six days!
In the mean time forget the cheerleader, the 2-10-2, concentrate on your schooling, and impliment a rigerous facial cleansing regime concidering your age and the "MacDonalds" connection. Your bout with Acne will be brief, and there are more adventures awaiting you than you could possibly know!
Will

[lesterperry]

VERY INTERESTING

[andrechapelon]

Dear Uncle Andre,

On behalf of Kalmbach Publishing and Model Railroader, I would like to extend an offer of employment here at MR. Your writing is superb, your wit is rapierlike and your advice is always dead on. Model Railroader is pleased to offer you a salary of $100,000 per annum, unlimited use of the corporate jet (if we ever get one) and a free one year subscription to Model Railroader.

Sincerely,

Terry Thompson
Editor Model Railroader

Dear Terry,

As flattered as I am by your kind offer, I must, regrettably, turn it down. You see, if I were to start accepting remuneration for my efforts, it would immediately become work and I would instantaneously lose interest in the endeavour. Additionally, I'm afraid that you would take on the characteristic of a certain pointy haired boss and I would be forced to sic Scott Adams on you in self-defense.

If there's any question in your mind as to why I would not want to be paid, I would encourage you to read the chapter in Mark Twain's "The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer" that deals with the white-washing of fences and what constitutes entertainment vs. what constitutes work.

There is one other issue I would like to discuss. Why are you offering to pay me for this? After all, does it make economic sense to purchase a cow when one already is in the position of having an endless supply of free milk?

Just asking.

Merry Christmas,

Uncle Andre

[Anonymous]

Im wondering if the cheerleader is 36-26-36 or is also a 2-10-2