Model railroading and trying to maintain a peaceful relationship...

[Tracklayer]

Has anyone else out there been told by their wives or girlfriends that they spend way too much time with their trains and not enough time with them ?.
I was even told once by a girlfriend a few years ago that if I even so much as mentioned the word train around her anymore that she was going to break up with me. Well, she wasn't kidding. Oh well. She's long gone, I'm over it and the trains are still here and going strong... I very much like women, but I like trains and doing what I want to a whole lot more!. [}:)]

Tracklayer

[NZRMac]

Mine says it's all about balance, spend time on my trains but help around the house feed the wee one etc. She's right behind me and wants to help with the scenery one day.
I'm trying, but like Spacemouse has said I'm addicted to Trains.com

Ken.

[Javern]

I'm at an age now ( 41 ) where I don't "need" women like I used to, I don't allow them to give me ultamatum. I send them packin. Plenty of fish in the sea.

[potlatcher]

I have a few friends whose divorces were initiated or expedited by their passion for trains. They are not living very happy lives as I can see, and that's not the way things are supposed to be.

If you want to live in a secure relationship with your spouse, she will need to know that she is more important to you than your trains, period! On the other hand, she needs to give you some time to enjoy your interests.

When you first start dating, she needs to know up front how you feel about your trains. At the same time you will probably need to back off on the enthusiasm to a level that allows you to balance your time with her against your hobby time. And, you will probably need to maintain this reduced level of enthusiasm your whole life.

Yes, there will be times when you will have to give up that railfan trip, or that convention because you are needed at home, and you will certainly need to give up that brass locomotive or other large hobby purchases because the money is needed at home.

However, there's a difference between giving up the toys and giving up the interest in the toys. If she expects you to give up your interest in trains, she is not the girl for you. You need to dump her before you make any vows/committments to her. But, if she only expects you to give up some of your toys (and your time) to enjoy a strong relationship, then you need to be a man and make those sacrifices.

If a model railroader is not willing to make some sacrifices like this, the trains will never compensate him for the loss of a loving wife. He will be lonely and miserable all his life.

Tom

[selector]

Mine is humourously tolerant of my time here and with other train-related stuff. She lectures me in a good natured way, sometimes less so to be honest, and I try to be balanced in my approach. Generally, a relationship, if it is valued, is like a garden; it needs time and attention or it is just a patch of chaotic vegetation.

I am learning to spend more time aniticipating what my wife will require of me each day, and I tear myself away and do it...right. I spend some time being attentive, making her a drink or coffee, lunch, doing dishes, painting doors, etc. The rather large garden is also meant to be my responsibility, so I have no choice but to spend 20 or more hours each week in it. Also, next week is the first week of school, and I have 25 distance education students at Royal Military College on-line in my Leadership and Ethics class. Moderating their on-line discussions, providing feedback, and assessing them will take up scads of time.

One good thing about my wife is that she understands my need to think about trains, to play with them, and to commune with you folks. She is even agreeing to take the ferry with me between Victoria and Port Angeles, and to go on to Portland to see the Challenger leave on the 22nd!! Now that is a wife...and we have a solid relationship.

But I have to 'pay' into the pot every day...or else!

[palallin]

My wife wanted to ride the Durango-Silverton trip on our honeymoon, but Uncle I.R.S. Sam had other ideas. Still, she is the "president" of the narrow gauge line that acts as a feeder to my standard gauge road. She loves the ol' timey look of NG, and Bachmann On30 is right up ally.

My point--if there is one--is that including your spouse--and kids--in the hobby somehow, if at all possible, will help tighten the relationship. As Ken said, his wants to help with the scenery in time. Others might like similar "crafty" kinds of model railroading activities. Railfan trips can be combined with other kinds.

This past Sunday, our family held a "First Screw Turning" ceremony as the benchwork started to come together for the first permanent module of our layout. We commemorated it by writing the time, date, and names on the L-girder.

[Anonymous]

My spouse asked me one question as I unpacked my trains after marriage:

Are these going to take over the HOUSE?

Umm.. not really.

Later in the marriage I hear:

These itty trucks are sooo cute! how much did you pay for them? (Athearn RTR)

$20.00

Spouse reacts in a variety of ways not supportive of the hobby requiring various honey do jobs and favors to "Work off" that RTR Athearn Truck.

Finally recently I hear:

I think you have too many trains.

Ebay to the rescue. Converted the proceeds to replace aging and obselete equiptment without touching the family budget for almost a year. Spouse is happy again.

The other day I know that all is well in train land when she allowed me to spend a few bucks at the LHS. =)

I think trains and marriage is a sort of a dynamic balancing. Sort of like the need to apply horsepower or braking as necessary to relieve tension in the house when the subject of trains comes up.

[orsonroy]

Balance is the key. Remember, toy choo-choos are a HOBBY, and a stable family life is a NECESSITY. Don't neglect everything else for the hobby, even if it is a primary aspect of your life. I've seen too many shut-in, lonely, unhealthy, disfunctional modelers in this hobby, and 92% of them are single.

And don't forget to include the family in your activities as much as possible. I take my wife on most of my RR archaeology roadtrips, and make sure to stop wherever she wants as well. It doesn't hurt that she's a big history buff too; she likes old trains, old houses and old boats as much as me, even though she doesn't model.

I changed the way I modeled so I could do more of it in the family spaces, rather than secluded in the dungeon. I traded Floquil for Apple Barrel (or airbrush when she's gone), ACC for Ambroid, and Dremel tools on metal steamers for hand tools on plastic steam. She now orders me down into the dungeon from time to time so I can get a train running fix!

[ARTHILL]

I'm Lucky. She is glad they are there. They keep me out of her hair, as long as I will come up and help with the heavy gardening when needed.

[Tracklayer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Javern

I'm at an age now ( 41 ) where I don't "need" women like I used to, I don't allow them to give me ultamatum. I send them packin. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Now that's what I'm talking about...

Thank you Javern. Women have always been secondary with me too. I was married once, but was miserable the entire time. Then one day, finally realized that I just wasn't the marrying/family type guy. So, we divorced and I've been happy ever since. Don't get me wrong, I don't knock those that are into marriage and having kids, but It's just not for me. I prefer to have my total freedom to roam around and do what I want without having to answer to anyone except the good lord and bill collectors...

Tracklayer [:D]

[BRAKIE]

I was happily married for 22 years before losing my wife in a car accident..I been on my own for the last 13 years and thats the way I will remain..I did have a girlfriend but,we ended up in splitsville..No big deal..I prefer to be foot loose and fancy free..You see by doing that I need not answer to anybody except self and God..

[potlatcher]

QUOTE: Now that's what I'm talking about...

Thank you Javern. Women have always been secondary with me too. I was married once, but was miserable the entire time. Then one day, finally realized that I just wasn't the marrying/family type guy. So, we divorced and I've been happy ever since. Don't get me wrong, I don't knock those that are into marriage and having kids, but It's just not for me. I prefer to have my total freedom to roam around and do what I want without having to answer to anyone except the good lord and bill collectors...

Tracklayer [:D]

Whoops, we thought you were looking for suggestions on finding and keeping a soulmate, not looking for justification to go without one. If I'd known that I wouldn't have bothered responding the first time.

Tom

[Tracklayer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by potlatcher

QUOTE: Now that's what I'm talking about...

Thank you Javern. Women have always been secondary with me too. I was married once, but was miserable the entire time. Then one day, finally realized that I just wasn't the marrying/family type guy. So, we divorced and I've been happy ever since. Don't get me wrong, I don't knock those that are into marriage and having kids, but It's just not for me. I prefer to have my total freedom to roam around and do what I want without having to answer to anyone except the good lord and bill collectors...

Tracklayer [:D]

Whoops, we thought you were looking for suggestions on finding and keeping a soulmate, not looking for justification to go without one. If I'd known that I wouldn't have bothered responding the first time.

Tom

Hi Tom. You can always delete your reply...

Tracklayer

[grayfox1119]

I started with my first train at age 9, a Christmas gift. Then at age 16 it was a car, college, the Army, wife, 4 kids, Little league, basketball, boy scouts, girl scouts, marriages of children, assisting building their homes, etc., my own job in semiconductors for 43 years, AND NOW.......at age 66, I am free to get back to a love that always was with me....model RR and Amateur radio.
As Ray stated, and a few others, the key IS balance guys, and FAMILY comes first, have no doubt about it. I have been happily married for 45 years. My wife supports my hobby as I do her hobbies...that is the key. Some people are so "self centered" that they not only screw up their own lives, but all those around them, such as their own children, and for WHAT...personal selfishness? Learn from those who have been successful, just like we learn from our talented MRR experts....loners seldom survive or succeed. Married men live longer.

[Tracklayer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by BRAKIE

I was happily married for 22 years before losing my wife in a car accident..I been on my own for the last 13 years and thats the way I will remain..I did have a girlfriend but,we ended up in splitsville..No big deal..I prefer to be foot loose and fancy free..You see by doing that I need not answer to anybody except self and God..

November 3d 1992 at 5:30pm my girlfriend (Dana) of five years was killed in a car accident. She was about the only one I'd ever known that would have allowed me to do pretty much anything I wanted to, and she loved trains too...

God bless you BRAKIE.

Tracklayer

[Trainnut484]

QUOTE: Originally posted by potlatcher

I have a few friends whose divorces were initiated or expedited by their passion for trains. They are not living very happy lives as I can see, and that's not the way things are supposed to be.

If you want to live in a secure relationship with your spouse, she will need to know that she is more important to you than your trains, period! On the other hand, she needs to give you some time to enjoy your interests.

When you first start dating, she needs to know up front how you feel about your trains. At the same time you will probably need to back off on the enthusiasm to a level that allows you to balance your time with her against your hobby time. And, you will probably need to maintain this reduced level of enthusiasm your whole life.

Yes, there will be times when you will have to give up that railfan trip, or that convention because you are needed at home, and you will certainly need to give up that brass locomotive or other large hobby purchases because the money is needed at home.

However, there's a difference between giving up the toys and giving up the interest in the toys. If she expects you to give up your interest in trains, she is not the girl for you. You need to dump her before you make any vows/committments to her. But, if she only expects you to give up some of your toys (and your time) to enjoy a strong relationship, then you need to be a man and make those sacrifices.

If a model railroader is not willing to make some sacrifices like this, the trains will never compensate him for the loss of a loving wife. He will be lonely and miserable all his life.

Tom

Tom,

you've hit the nail on the head. When my wife and I first started dating, we were up front about our hobbies. I told her I like trains and model trains, and she said she likes Star Trek and other Sci Fi stuff (personally I prefer Star Wars over Star Trek but that's a different story for a different forum). Neither one of us ran for the hills so things turned out perfect.

We give and take on hobby purchases. HMMMM...that new locomotive is sooo gotta-have-it-now, BUT the gas bill is due and needs paid. That Star Trek collectable is rare, BUT cable TV company wants paid. There are consessions to be made.

Also becoming more focused on your modeling likes and dislikes helps out financially.

I too know of fellow model railroaders that have divorced and remarried, and even on the verge of repeating that route. Also, a few that never married at all and are still living at home. They are good modelers, but I guess they feel all their concentration (and money) needs to go to the hobby.

I feel I have the best of both worlds.

Take care,

Russell

[Tracklayer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by grayfox1119

I started with my first train at age 9, a Christmas gift. Then at age 16 it was a car, college, the Army, wife, 4 kids, Little league, basketball, boy scouts, girl scouts, marriages of children, assisting building their homes, etc., my own job in semiconductors for 43 years, AND NOW.......at age 66, I am free to get back to a love that always was with me....model RR and Amateur radio.
As Ray stated, and a few others, the key IS balance guys, and FAMILY comes first, have no doubt about it. I have been happily married for 45 years. My wife supports my hobby as I do her hobbies...that is the key. Some people are so "self centered" that they not only screw up their own lives, but all those around them, such as their own children, and for WHAT...personal selfishness? Learn from those who have been successful, just like we learn from our talented MRR experts....loners seldom survive or succeed. Married men live longer.

Oh well. All I can say in response to this is that we don't all come out of the same mold...

Hats off, and all due respects to you grayfox1119.

Tracklayer

[Javern]

never said i spend my nights alone....just not married!

[grayfox1119]

Tracklayer, I hope that one day you find another person to share your life, and hopefully your MRR hobby. My wife loves trains, and we go on excursions every chance we get. This has proven to be a good thing because now she understands a lot of the termonology, and has an interest in the hobby.
Some people have used the online dating services, where you can get meet a woman who shares your same loves in life.....you can't believe how happy you can be when can share your hobby with someone who loves it as much as you do.
I wi***he very best for you Tracklayer.[:D]

[1shado1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by grayfox1119

Married men live longer.

Nah. It only SEEMS longer! [:D]
Jeff

[Billba]

I don't know if it was luck, or just good timing, but I have a wife that not only supports my hobby, she enjoys it too!

In the last several years Iv'e been doing more collecting than modeling, so I hear more comments like "When are we going to work on the layout" or "Don't buy another engine until there is room to run it".

My wife is very tallented with crafts and wood working, so her input and ideas are always welcome. Sometimes I wonder who's hobby this is, her's or mine, but it is great having that kind of support.

IMHO, there is nothing as fullfilling as a supportive spouse, but we have to be supportive as well. It is always very important to keep peace on the home front, but all aspects of this life require a degree of "give and take". Although at times it may seem like it's more give than take.

My addiction just happens to be playing with trains, even if it is just looking at them. Her addiction is flower beds, the yard and a garden. It would be nuts not to support her interest if she supports yours!!

Patience has the effect of keeping everyone's blood pressure down. So does having a hobby!!

[cjcrescent]

I musta got a guud un!

Yesterday my wife and I celebrated thirty-two years of marriage.

She has always been supportive of my hobby and me of hers.

Neither one of us have ever spent a dime on any part of each others hobby without letting the other know first.

[skiloff]

My wife didn't fully understand what my hobby would turn out to be, but now that my son is really into it, she is more supportive and we even bought her her own train that she thought was so cute. We'll be "breaking ground" on our new layout in a month or two and she has already given the green light to the 6x9 space it will require in the corner of the basement. I keep trying to get her involved in projects (she helped build a few structures) and I'm quite sure she enjoys it, though she won't admit it outright. I think once we get building and she sees the mountains and tunnels and river start to come together, she'll be right in there with my son, daughter and I.

[grayfox1119]

Smart move skiloff, no wonder you were successful!!! Best of luck with your new layout!

[jacon12]

My wife and I have been married for about 25 years. Now that I'm retired (she still works), I clean the house and take care of the yard. I have about an acre and a quarter to keep up. I handled most everything else except the cooking. I also travel to a nearby town once a week to look in on my 93 year old mom. Therefore, the time I have left and theres lots of it, is mine. As far as trains she is very supportive of it. I think it could be most anything and she'd be fine with it. BUT... I try to sit and talk with her about how her day as been etc. We laugh together a lot.
You have to give as well as take.
Jarrell

[UP Deano]

quote "Javern- I'm at an age now ( 41 ) where I don't "need" women like I used to, I don't allow them to give me ultamatum. I send them packin. Plenty of fish in the sea." i COULDNT have said it any better.(i"m 40) emphissis on "plenty of fish in the sea".[;)] [8D]

[Tracklayer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tracklayer

QUOTE: Originally posted by Javern

I'm at an age now ( 41 ) where I don't "need" women like I used to, I don't allow them to give me ultamatum. I send them packin. Plenty of fish in the sea.

Now that's what I'm talking about...

Thank you Javern. Women have always been secondary with me too. I was married once, but was miserable the entire time. Then one day, finally realized that I just wasn't the marrying/family type guy. So, we divorced and I've been happy ever since. Don't get me wrong, I don't knock those that are into marriage and having kids, but It's just not for me. I prefer to have my total freedom to roam around and do what I want without having to answer to anyone except the good lord and bill collectors...

Tracklayer [:D]

Okay, okay,okay. I admit it guys. I'm as hungry for female companionship as the next guy, but I've had so many bad experiences with women over the years that I finally became cold and bitter. I appreciate what grayfox1119 said, and his suggestion of trying an on-line dating service, but I'm kind of old fashion when it comes to things like that and prefer to meet women out in the real world. I just have a bad attitude when it comes to women that I'm going to have to come to terms with. It's really nice to know that there are those of you out there that were blessed with compatable girls and good relationships. I envy you, I really do...

Tracklayer

[Todd McWilliam]

My wife likes my trains, but we have only been married a month, so you can guess that I am a whole lot more interested in her than the trains.

[Tracklayer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Todd McWilliam

My wife likes my trains, but we have only been married a month, so you can guess that I am a whole lot more interested in her than the trains.

You go big Todd... (Congratulations, and my best to both of you.)

Tracklayer

[Virginian]

Well, I like women. They aren't perfect, but neither am I. I had a great first marriage for 27 years, but then it went off a cliff and we got divorced after 32 years. She changed, I did not. I am grateful for my two lovely daughters.
I am in a good relationship now, and if something happened and I had to choose between the trains and her, I would pack up the trains again without hesitation. Like the people crawling out of the rubble on the Gulf coast keep saying, they are just things. I love her and she loves me, and I think that what each person's definition of what that means has a lot to do with how they view the trains vs. woman situation. I only know what it means to me. I do not fault anyone else for their views.
She is quite tolerant of my hobbies and I am of hers; we have no arguments over those areas.