Caution: may induce fits of hysterical laughter!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Sawyer Berry
Clemson University c/o 2018
Building a protolanced industrial park layout
OH god im crying. why does my sides hurt so bad?
You forgot gloves. Good for holding in the blood until you get out from under the hood.
I do a lot of road service for my company and have found that rain gear really keeps the water in close to your soaking wet clothes.
Pete
I pray every day I break even, Cause I can really use the money!
I started with nothing and still have most of it left!
Beauty, eh! Had me laughin' out loud.
Wayne
That is SO hilarious! The scary part is that it's also so TRUE!
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Gary M. Collins gmcrailgNOSPAM@gmail.com
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"Common Sense, Ain't!" -- G. M. Collins
http://fhn.site90.net
Wha????!!! Man,That ain't no shop..Wheres the duct tape??
Where's the Kentucky socket wrench?
Larry
Conductor.
Summerset Ry.
"Stay Alert, Don't get hurt Safety First!"
..... Bob
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here. (Captain Kirk)
I reject your reality and substitute my own. (Adam Savage)
Resistance is not futile--it is voltage divided by current.
Been there, done (some of) that:
Then I learned better. In the aircraft maintenance business, you either learn to use tools with finesse, or you get out of the business.
Still, good for a laugh.
Chuck (ex-USAF wrench bender, modeling Central Japan in September, 1964)
Air Compressor - Redneck shower hose. Frequently used to rearrange dust & debris on the floor. Or for locating those safety glasses...
Rubber Mallet - Used for sealing paint cans while creating Jackson Pollock murals on newly finished projects.
Hot Melt Glue - Used for creating temporary pink tattoos and doing SpiderMan impersonations.
Solder -Real Man's way to remove unsightly leg hair
Crimping Tool - Any pair of pliers that don't close right
Brad Nailer - Used for locating potential IV sites on fingers and hands
Work Bench - Any waist high horizontal surface in the shop piled with so much junk you can't see the top.
NS AS-416Work Bench - Any waist high horizontal surface in the shop piled with so much junk you can't see the top
I have been a heavy truck and mining equipment mechanic for 35 years and have found that any horizontal surface in or near a shop becomes a work bench. The most uncluttered part of any workbench is just to the left or right of the vise.
You cant forget tweezers. Once you steal them from the wife's bathroom they make every grab iron or coupler spring disappear forever. Things usually shoot into a fourth dimension never to be seen again.
I was laughing so hard I could barely see the screen - good stuff!
It's so funny because it's true
The Location: Forests of the Pacific Northwest, OregonThe Year: 1948The Scale: On30The Blog: http://bvlcorr.tumblr.com
locoi1sa You cant forget tweezers. Once you steal them from the wife's bathroom they make every grab iron or coupler spring disappear forever. Things usually shoot into a fourth dimension never to be seen again. Pete
LOL, how those weren't on the list I don't know.
Here is another one.
CA - Forms a permanent bond between any materials EXCEPT the ones you're trying to attach together.
Love it.
You forgot
Chisels - useful for slicing fingers.
Enjoy
Paul
WOOD RASP: A metal bar covered with teeth engineered to abrade flesh more efficiently than wood...Gary
Dam someone's been in my garage, you forgot two of the most important thing every shop needs besides girly calenders and what r now old cloths used for rags but were something you were wearing last week, A first aid kit and a refrigerator to keep the beer cold.
Thats some funny stuff
There is no better description of shop tools around!
This thread has made my day - thank for posting!
Next time please post warnings and a disclaimer. I was sitting on a bar stool with a can of beer. Nearly fell off a few times.
Rich
If you ever fall over in public, pick yourself up and say “sorry it’s been a while since I inhabited a body.” And just walk away.
A Crescent wrench is also called a left handed Metric wrench here in Kansas.
Will
Crescent wrench = all sixteenths or a fitsall. Very useful for rounding bolts and nuts.
Side cutters = Dikes. Great for shooting the cut piece across the shop.
richg1998 Next time please post warnings and a disclaimer. I was sitting on a bar stool with a can of beer. Nearly fell off a few times. Rich
Matt
This thread was even better than WPF which is my favourite. Great insight by all who contributed.
My contribution below.
Dremel cutoff wheel: Easily misplaced tool that checks to see if you put on your safety goggles.
Cheers
Alan Jones in Sunny Queensland (Oz)