Railroad jokes

[Packers#1]

Hopefully no young kids are browsing these forums.

[auburnrails]

I hope I don't mess this one up :-).

Four railfans were trainwatching one day and during a lull, the first said "Man, it sure was a challenge getting out here today.  My wife told me if I wanted to go railfanning I needed to mow the lawn first."

The second replied "Ya, well my wife told me I had to fix the oven."

The third piped in "Well, that's nothing.  My wife told me I had to repaint the bedroom!"

After a short period of silence, they all looked at the fourth guy, who hadn't said anything.  "What about you?  What did you have to do?" they asked. 

The fourth guy replied "Oh it was easy.  I set the alarm for 6am.  When it went off, I leaned over, nudged my wife, and said 'Railfanning or sex?'.  She said "Wear a sweater."

-Dave

[lvanhen]

From Australia

 

Now if one of us yankees posted that, we'd be in deep do do!

[Packers#1]

Love the first one, danmerkel

[danmerkel]

Two drunks were walking down a New York City street.  One, being full of spirits & obviously disoriented, went down into a subway station entrance.  A few minutes later, when he came back up to the street, the first drunk slurred to him, "Where have you been?"

The first drunk slurred back, "Man, I got lost in some guy's basement... and you should see his train layout!"

----------------------------------

A couple were driving along a country road when they came to a railroad crossing.  The man, being a real railfan, said excitedly, "Great a crossing!  I wonder when the next train is coming."

His female companion who couldn't care less, sighed & yawned then said, "Sorry honey.  We just missed one.  See its tracks??!?"

[SteamFreak]

I dun gettit.

The train engineer stole the ticket form the electrical engineers. 

Ah. I see now, a little slow on the cliffhanger style I are

OR.....the electrical engineers got SHORTED!

And, oddly enough, not by a conductor.

He was only a trainee. You know, a semi-conductor.

[Flashwave]

I dun gettit.

The train engineer stole the ticket form the electrical engineers. 

Ah. I see now, a little slow on the cliffhanger style I are

OR.....the electrical engineers got SHORTED!

And, oddly enough, not by a conductor.

Crews 

OOOH! I think it;s time for the produce now...

[cregil]

I dun gettit.

The train engineer stole the ticket form the electrical engineers. 

Ah. I see now, a little slow on the cliffhanger style I are

OR.....the electrical engineers got SHORTED!

And, oddly enough, not by a conductor.

Crews 

[munster]

From Australia

 

[concretelackey]

I dun gettit.

The train engineer stole the ticket form the electrical engineers. 

Ah. I see now, a little slow on the cliffhanger style I are

OR.....the electrical engineers got SHORTED!

[Flashwave]

I dun gettit.

The train engineer stole the ticket form the electrical engineers. 

Ah. I see now, a little slow on the cliffhanger style I are

[larak]

I dun gettit.

The train engineer stole the ticket form the electrical engineers. 

[Eriediamond]

I saw also the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up, and his train filled the temple. (Isaiah 6:1)
And he made the table; (Exodus 35:10)
twenty cubits was the length thereof, according to the breadth of the house; and ten cubits was the breadth thereof, (I Kings 6:3)
being in the form (Philippians 2:6)
of the island. (Isaiah 34:14)
But Peter said, "Not so, Lord; for (Acts 10:14)
every wise hearted man, (Exodus 36:2)
working with his hands the thing which is good, (Ephesians 4:28)
against the wall of the house he built." (I Kings 6:5)
But God said unto him, (Luke 12:20)
"I am the LORD, I change not." (Malachi 3:6)
The LORD hath made all things (Proverbs 16:4)
on the table, (Luke 22:21)
Unto the mountains, and to the hills, to the rivers, and to the valleys, (Ezekiel 36:6)
and the towns thereof. (I Chronicles 7:28)
And make straight paths for your (Hebrews 12:13)
train. (Proverbs 22:6)
Them of old time (Matthew 5:21)
have made them crooked paths: whosoever goeth therein, (Isaiah 59:8)
sudden destruction cometh upon them. (I Thessalonians 5:3)
The crooked shall be made straight, and the rough ways shall be made smooth. (Luke 3:5)
And God said, "Let there be (Genesis 1:6)
horses (II Kings 2:11)
of iron." (Deuteronomy 3:11)
And he made in Jerusalem engines, invented by cunning men, (II Chronicles 26:15)
of brass (Ex 27:2)
very precious; (Mk 14:3)
Mountains, with (Ezekiel 35:8)
four wheels (Eze 10:9)
and eight (Ex 36:9)
and two (Gen 7:9)
with the tender. (Song 2:13)
They shall run like (Joel 2:7)
a watch. (Matthew 27:65)
And he shall set engines of (Ezekiel 26:9)
good speed (Genesis 24:12)
in the way wherein they should go, (Nehemiah 9:12)
and to pull (Jeremiah 18:7)
very many chariots. (II Chronicles 16:8)

And Mary arose in those days, (Luke 1:39)
and she came to Jerusalem with a very great train. (I Kings 10:2)
And she said, "Oh my lord, (I Samuel 1:26)
verily it shall (Jeremiah 15:11)
stay upon (Isaiah 50:10)
the good way, (Jeremiah 6:16)
and that which should be set on thy table should (Job 36:16)
turn not aside therefrom to the right hand or to the left." (Joshua 23:6)
And I heard the voice of many angels, (Revelation 5:11)
and they said one to another, "Behold, this dreamer cometh." (Genesis 37:19)
And he sighed deeply in his spirit, (Mark 8:12)
and he said, "Thou hast asked a hard thing: (II Kings 2:10)
according to your faith be it unto you." (Matthew 9:29)
And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, (Genesis 24:15)
the Mountain (Joshua 11:16)
turned aside out of the way, and went into the field, (Numbers 22:23)
and all the chariots (II Kings 8:21)
went backward, and fell to the ground. (John 18:6)
Then the LORD said unto (Jeremiah 11:6)
the Mountain, (Joshua 11:16)
"The frogs (Exodus 8:4)
be too narrow for thee." (Joshua 17:15)
And he repaired the (II Chronicles 33:16)
turn...out. (Hebrews 12:13)
And so it (II Samuel 1:2)
went another way (I Kings 13:10)
until it (Hosea 7:4)
began to be stopped. Then they were very wroth, (Nehemiah 4:7)
And the LORD said, (Job 1:8)
"Behold now, I perceive that this is (II Kings 4:9)
some uncleanness." (Deuteronomy 24:1)
And after he... cleansed (Ezekiel 44:26)
the wheels, (Ezekiel 10:12)
while he yet spake, behold, a Bright (Matthew 17:5)
Boy for (Joel 3:3)
cleansing (Leviticus 13:7)
rail, on (II Chronicles 32:17)
both the top of it, and the sides thereof. (Exodus 37:26)
What God hath cleansed, (Acts 10:15)
it shall be clean, (Leviticus 11:37)
round about thy table. (Psalm 128:3)
And, lo, I perceived that (Nehemiah 6:12)
it moveth itself, (Proverbs 23:31)
And ran through that whole region round about, and began to (Mark 6:55)
run continually. (Psalm 58:7)
The angels said, (Hebrews 1:13)
"Indeed a notable miracle hath been done." (Acts 4:16)
And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. (Genesis 1:31)

There, you see!!! There is more to my signature then meets the eye!  Ken

[reklein]

What kind of ears does an engine have?...........................................Engineers!!

Hey Mister ,"How far do these tracks go?"..........................................Whaddya mean? I've lived here for years and never seen em go any where yet!!!

 

[Flashwave]

once upon a time there was a convention of engineers.  All kinds of engineers were going, mechanical engineers, civil engineers, electrical engineers, even train engineers.  It just happened that three electrical engineers and three train engineers were going to go on the same train.  The three electrical engineers bought three tickets and were surprised when the train engineers only bought one.  So the electrical engineers watched very carefully.  After they all boarded the train, the conductor was coming around punching tickets the three train engineers all disappeared into the rest room and when the conductor knocked and said "Ticket please," one hand came out and presented the one ticket.  The electrical engineers were most impressed by this and vowed that on the return trip they would take advantage of this new discovery.  The convention was a great sucess, and for the trip home the three electrical engineers bought their one ticket, but were astounded when the train engineers bought none.  They all boarded the train together and when the conductor was coming around punching tickets the the electrical engineers all piled into the rest room.  It was then that one of the train engineers walked over, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket Please."

I dun gettit.

[toot toot]

once upon a time there was a convention of engineers.  All kinds of engineers were going, mechanical engineers, civil engineers, electrical engineers, even train engineers.  It just happened that three electrical engineers and three train engineers were going to go on the same train.  The three electrical engineers bought three tickets and were surprised when the train engineers only bought one.  So the electrical engineers watched very carefully.  After they all boarded the train, the conductor was coming around punching tickets the three train engineers all disappeared into the rest room and when the conductor knocked and said "Ticket please," one hand came out and presented the one ticket.  The electrical engineers were most impressed by this and vowed that on the return trip they would take advantage of this new discovery.  The convention was a great sucess, and for the trip home the three electrical engineers bought their one ticket, but were astounded when the train engineers bought none.  They all boarded the train together and when the conductor was coming around punching tickets the the electrical engineers all piled into the rest room.  It was then that one of the train engineers walked over, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket Please."

[al-in-chgo]

Two complete strangers, a man and a woman, were forced to share a sleeping birth on an overbooked train.

They were both pretty nervous about sharing a room, but the man hopped into the top bunk, the woman the bottom.

After a few minutes the man yells down to the woman,

Man: "It's kind of cold.  Do you mind getting up and getting me a blanket?"

Woman: "I tell you what, just for tonight, why don't we pretend we are husband and wife?"

Man: "Sure.  That would be great!"

Woman: "Great!  Now get up and get it your Darn Self!"

The man rolled over, pulled the sheets closer and farted.

Yep, that's the perfect marraige right there.

Good one!

I'll steal a crack from the movies.  Tracey Lord (Katharine Hepburn):   "All this talk of social classes . . .  between the upper class and the lower, give me the lower!"   

McCaughley Connor (Jimmy Stewart):  "Only if you can't get a drawing room." 

                      -- from THE PHILADELPHIA STORY, 1940, MGM. 

 

 

[DigitalGriffin]

Two complete strangers, a man and a woman, were forced to share a sleeping birth on an overbooked train.

They were both pretty nervous about sharing a room, but the man hopped into the top bunk, the woman the bottom.

After a few minutes the man yells down to the woman,

Man: "It's kind of cold.  Do you mind getting up and getting me a blanket?"

Woman: "I tell you what, just for tonight, why don't we pretend we are husband and wife?"

Man: "Sure.  That would be great!"

Woman: "Great!  Now get up and get it your Darn Self!"

The man rolled over, pulled the sheets closer and farted.

Yep, that's the perfect marraige right there.

[Bapou]

Not a railroad joke, but I just had to post it!

[searp63]

OHHHHHHH That was time lost. still a smile though.

[searp63]

Really good chuckle from that one!! keep'em coming

[jerryl]

  When a man was asked why he had so many children, he said that he & his wife were awakened every night by the train that blew it's wistle while passing close to thier house. I would ask my wife if she wanted to go back to sleep or what. Since she was hard of hearing she always said "what".

[Paul3]

This is what is called a "Bob Buck joke" (and if you've ever been to his hobby shop Tucker's Hobbies in Warren, MA www.tuckershobbies.com, you'll know why...):

There was a woman who lived near the tracks, and her father was an engineer on that very same rail line.  Every day, he'd pass by her house at the same time and whistle as he went by.

One day, it was raining heavily for hours, and it caused a large washout of the mainline close to the woman's house just mere minutes before her father was due.

Immediately, the woman grabbed a clothespin and ran as fast as she could up the tracks towards her father's train.  As the train came into view, the woman held up her clothespin as high as she could.  Her father, seeing the clothespin, instantly knew what to do and put 'er in the big hole.  The train stopped just feet shy of tumbling into the mud, and both the woman and her father were given credit for saving a lot of lives with their quick thinking.

But why a clothespin, you ask? 

Because everyone knows that a clothespin is a symbol of a wash out on the line!

Paul A. Cutler III
************
Weather Or No Go New Haven
************

[OzarkBelt]

[lvanhen]

Douglas was being evaluated for mental problems and was asked by the doctor, 'If a train was coming down the hallway toward you, what would you do?'
Douglas replied, 'I would get in my helicopter and fly away!'
The doctor then asked, 'Where did you get a helicopter from?'
Douglas replied, 'The same place you got that  train!

[PMeyer]

Why was the engineer charged with drunk driving?

Somebody gave him a highball.

 

 

[loathar]

Does anyone here have any good railroad jokes?

I got to drive one of those jokes when I was a kid!

Not a joke, but I like the cartoon MR just had about not being able to claim fried decoders on your taxes! 

[SteamFreak]

Why were the robber barons so ruthless?

Because it takes a tough man to make a locomotive tender. 

[BCSJ]

What railroad couldn't keep their engines shiny?

The Erie!

Huh? Why was that?

It's because of Lackawaxen.

----

Why doesn't anyone like to play volleyball with a track worker?

Because they keep spiking the ball.

----

Charlie (don't get me started) Comstock