Whistling in Dixie

[edblysard]

Houston Post:06/11/03

This just in:
"Whistling in Dixie Lessons"

From the secret Unihead compound just outside Houston Texas, this just in.
"It has been brought to our attention that several people have sucumbed to a major whistling problem, due in a large part to their computer having been infected with the M&M virus." "It would appear the virus teaches people to whistle from the incorrect orifice, one a little lower down that usual." stated The Unihead Ed.
"This is a shame, because any music issueing from the lower orifice is most often far out of tune, and smells bad"
"We, the Uniheads, would like to help correct this problem, and to further enlighten others, we will offer Whistling In Dixie Lessons this summer to all who are interested".
When asked how the Uniheads became aware of the problem in the first place, Unihead Ed explaned.
"We Uniheads love trains, we travel Via Rail every chance we get, its our perfered mode of transportation".
"One of our members reads the Trains.com web site every day, and reported to us the M&M virus has infected that site too." "It would seem it has a pair of poor souls so confused, they even attempt to speak from the lower orifice, along with just blowing a lot of hot air"
"Thats a shame, because even though we feel that anyone in America has the right to whistle out of the incorrect orifice, it should be kept to a minimun, and a attempt should be made to go where there are no people present when that happens, its only polite thing to do"
When asked why start lessons now, The Unihead replied,
"Well, it summer, and with all their whistling from the wrong orifice, and the added methane gas these two will produce, we felt that, to limit the greenhouse effect they are having on the earths atmosphere, we should teach everyone willing to learn to whistle from the correct orifice, namely, their mouth"
"Although we reconize that these two are a lost cause, we felt others could benefit from our master whistlers skill." To that end, we are offering lessons that will inclued such favorites as "Whistling in Virginia","Dixieland", "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" and my personal favorite, "Sweet Home Alabama"."
When asked, The Unihead replied,
"Sorry, no, Mason Williams "Classical Gas" was decidedly not one of the offered lessons."
A special appearence by Unihead J is included, he will be performing his all time greatest hits, "Beeping while backing" and "Running with out Lights". "Its sure to be a fun filled summer, if we can find a way to plug the whistles of thoses poor, lonely infected pair my friend mentioned, after all, not everyone likes the smell of rotten eggs"
"So come on down to Houston this summer, I am sure we can find something much better to do than listen to the lower orifice whistles of those infected with the M&M virus, besides, it smells better when its from the correct orifice, and you dont have to wear a clothspin on your nose"

Reported by:Truly Scooped, for the Houston Post
06/11/03

[JoeKoh]

ed
you are welcome to come to cincinnati as I watch your astros play the reds at gabp.i can show you cincinnati union terminal and yards.I would like to come down to houston and see the train inside the juicebox.
stay safe
joe

[wabash1]

Date line 6/12

this just in:

St.louis ,mo.

The city of St.louis,Mo is filing with the fedral court system that it wants seperation from the state of Missouri and become a single identiety like Washington D.C. It seems that the Gateway to the west has been reading the famed form and is so tired of the man using the great state of misourri name that they dont want anything to even resemble this. they will be going by the name St.louis from now on.

The mayor of St.louis when asked why such a bold move said that they are losing tourist dollars due to nobody wanting to come to missouri. The mayor said we have the big 4 railrroads comming in here and all the residance are aware of the stop look listen and live policies for crossing railroad tracks. Also the major case squad of the police department has been working on this case for about a month now but keep running into deadends due to this man hiding behind a apron. i have faith in our police in that they will find him/her and prosicute accordingly. then after the termoil is gone we will become part of missouri again.

When we ask people on the street what they thought about this bold move of the city one man said it has to be done. the sales of these hotdogs have went down 35% due to people not comming to see the arch and the riverfront. Another man ( that was dressed in a pink shirt,black vest and pink streatch pants) said that he is the just so sweet ( smacks his lips) he trys fighting the big boys ( now wiggles) and is doing the best he can with limited education. when ask for a discription he just shivered and almost fainted.

While here we went to the railroad and ask thier opinion on the move of the mayor. the spokesman for the railroad said its crazy in that we haft to spend all those dollars on new rules and timetables due to this as the current ones will be obsolete. We spend thousands on crossing protection, operation life saver and because a few people fail to stop everyone has to pay for their mistakes. Its a shame that people dont stop look listen and live. its like crossing a street. If this man was smart he see why his way wisdom wont work. ( we showed the spokesman a copy of the post from the form) He says he get run over if he stopped to look at a crossing so he goes on. what kind of wisdom is this, if a ball goes rolling into the street would he run over the kid couse he didnt want to take a chance getting hit from behind, I have never got hit when i stop at crossings.

It seems people are fed up with the use of their state name by this person and he seems to have a partner and they are called m&m. more on this story as it breaks. remeber to stop look listen and live.

reporting live weed weasle. back to the studio

[wabash1]

Ed as a follow up to the breaking news this morning the city of kansas city is still split in its dissision . weather they are kansas or missouri.

[edblysard]

I hear they got pretty girls in red ruby slippers, and wire haired terriers in kansas.
Should be a easy vote.
Stay Frosty
The Unihead Ed

[louisnash]

Hey Joe,

I'm not far from Cincinnati. If Ed can't make it to the park just send the tickets my way. Haven't been to the new park yet. Do miss RIVERFRONT (not Cinergy). A lot of good memories of our Pete Rose and everyone else there. Yes, I am one that believes he should be in the hall of fame.

You speak of CUT. Are you talking about Tower A? Or actually getting down in the yards. I have been invited to the yards by a recent 30 year retiree as soon as I can get my grandfather away from the tobacco fields. He's 74 and a little reluctant to go through downtown. He has been a railfan his whole life and man the stories he can tell you about the Big Emma's on the L&N.

Brian (KY)

I've been to Tower A and anyone else reading this that hasn't been there at Cincinnati Union Terminal it is well worth the trip if you are in the area. Railroad employee or railfan it is something.

[JoeKoh]

Hey brian
were going with my sister.she lives 45minutes from the ballpark.Have been to CUT and watching trains crawl through downtown over the river to Kentucky is a sight to see.
stay safe
joe