When your family hates your hobby

[Anonymous]

I'm 24 years old but still lives with my mother and step father due to being a student and appartments being very expensive here. For a few months now, I've been putting more interest into model railroading, only reading and getting informed so far, as I don't have the money nor the space for a layout yet.

What saddens me is that since model railroading is not something that my parents are interested in, they can't help but constantly 'spit' on it and saying that it's only a waste of time for me to get interested in the hobby now, since I can't build a layout just yet. My mother even started to tell me that I will never be any good with power tools and that the day I want to build a layout I'll have to pay someone to do it [:(][V]

No matter what I try to say, they always complain that it's all only a waste of money, that I'll just get hurt when using power tools and whatnot. They even told me there were hating model railroading because I like it so much [xx(]

I just don't know what to do anymore, they complain I don't talk to them about the things I like, but when I do they say I'm stupid for liking certain things. They criticize me when I spend time on the computer, when I watch TV, when I read, because they say I don't get out enough, but when I do get out, they complain that I'm not there to do house work (which I do when I'm at home anyway)..... [banghead][banghead][soapbox]

[Roadtrp]

Speaking as a parent who has had a 24-year-old son live at home...

Most parents don't anticipate that their children will still be living with them at that age. I realize that it is necessary at times because of financial situations, as it was with my son. But I don't think it is a particularly good arrangement for either the parents or the kid, and it creates conflicts over things that would not normally occur.

My guess is that mom and step dad are thinking "Every $ he spends on train stuff is one $ less that he is able to save up to get his own place". I would let them know that you want to maintain your interest in model railroading, but you don't intend to actually start building a layout until you are on your own.

It really wouldn't be fair to your parents to start up an expensive hobby at a time when you are relying on them for support. You will have many years to build your layout when you are living independently. Keep reading and visiting these boards to maintain your interest until then.

This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I am being as absolutely honest as I can.

Good luck!! [:)]

[Anonymous]

They know I don't intend of building a layout while I'm still there, there's no space for it anyway, beside, I would not build something just to move away in a year or so. So far, I've only bought a few MRR books for a total worth or around $70 CAD, it's not the end of the world, beside, I pay them a rent each month...not to mention that the last time I tried to move out they were the ones who did everything to keep me from doing it.

[Noah Hofrichter]

Neerie, I think the message in you signature sort of fits here.......

Noah

[Roadtrp]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Neerie

They know I don't intend of building a layout while I'm still there, there's no space for it anyway, beside, I would not build something just to move away in a year or so.

If that is the case I really don't know what they would have to complain about. Try to ignore the negative comments to whatever extent you can.

[:)]

[jfugate]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Neerie

I'm 24 years old ...

... they complain I don't talk to them about the things I like, but when I do they say I'm stupid for liking certain things. They criticize me when I spend time on the computer, when I watch TV, when I read, because they say I don't get out enough, but when I do get out, they complain that I'm not there to do house work (which I do when I'm at home anyway).....

Some people inherently have a negative view on things, and once you realize that's how they think, it's a little bit easier to take. I recall one woman I worked with who used to always get under my skin because she always jumped all over me about things whenever I had to speak with her about something.

After a while I realized she treated everyone that way and it was her disposition. That realization made her a lot easier to take, and I actually found the whole thing kind of humorous because she was such a sourpuss all the time.

Both of my kids have finally left home, but it took a while. During the stage when they're old enough to be adults but given today's economic realities, unable to go it on their own financially, it can be very awkward. The children are trying to be their own people and the parents aren't sure where and when to give advice or just keep quiet. It's best to just cut them lots of slack. Letting your kids leave the nest and try it on their own is hard.

As to the hobby, just tell them you enjoy reading about it like they enjoy reading a good book or watching a good movie. If they pester you, ask them if they think you ought to tell them what their interests ought to be in books and movies?

Sounds to me like they are struggling with the concerns of facing an eventual empty nest. Parents don't always make sense since it's as big a change for them as it is for the kids. You get really used to a certain lifestyle after 20+ years, and change is hard.

[tatans]

Many parents with children can't realize the difficulty this generation is in with no jobs and its not like it WAS in their generation, hang in there buddy, it does get better, I wonder what your parents would say if you told them you were giving up model railroading and decided to sit in a bar all day, hmmmm.

[Trainnut484]

I'll throw in my two cents here. My parents kinda scoffed at my MR hobby, but they knew it could be worse. I could've been frequenting street corners, casinos, strip clubs..etc..etc, and NOT have something (positive) to show for monies spent.

I hope your parents can realize that you have something to show for monies spent. On the other hand, don't get carried away spending on trains when you could be setting some back for living expenses.

Take care,

Russell

[Anonymous]

Such insensitive remarks can only lead to self-doubt. As you seem to know, there is more at work here than a dislike of your hobby. Without pretending to know the source of their attitude, I can say it is important for you to maintain and build self-confidence. At 24, your primary efforts should be in completing your education & securing a good job. With those out of the way, other things will fall into place, your own apartment or house and room for a layout.

Despite your signature, all criticism is not destructive and to forge ahead despite it is foolish. Again, I couldn't know what prompted the comments about hurting yourself with power tools but if it because of a lack of experience or skill, that is an area that you should approach with care. Learning to use power tools safely isn't exactly rocket science but if you have no skill with them, you should seek out help from someone experienced and in possession of all their fingers.

Are there any Model Railroad clubs in your area? They are a good source of information, support & friendship from people of all ages sharing a common interest. (I wi***here was a club near here. I miss the club that was forming when I lived in the Hudson Valley.) You can work on & learn all phases of model railroading without disapproving eyes and without requiring a square inch of space in your home.

It's important for you to realize that at 24, you are an adult. Hard for some parents to accept, I know.

Wayne

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that Neerie.

Like Noah said, read your own signature, then think about it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to here your story, Neerie. But hey, who says model railroading requires power tools? A good ole' handsaw could work, or, just go to the lumber yard, get a sheet of wood, and start laying track. As easy as that.
As for your problem, joining a club would be an excellent idea. The only space that would take up at your house is room for your trains when they're not in use.

[Don Gibson]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Neerie

I'm 24 years old but still lives with my mother and step father due to being a student ...I've been putting interest into model railroading, only reading and getting informed ...
What saddens me is ...my parents ...constantly 'spit' on it and saying that it's only a waste of time for me to get interested in the hobby now, since I can't build a layout just yet. ...

My mother even started to tell me that I will never be any good with power tools and that the day I want to build a layout I'll have to pay someone to do it [:(][V]

No matter what I try to say, they always complain that it's all only a waste of money, that I'll just get hurt when using power tools and whatnot. They even told me there were hating model railroading because I like it so much [xx(]

...They criticize me when I spend time on the computer, when I watch TV, when I read, because ...they complain that I'm not there to do house work [banghead][banghead][soapbox]

You're in an untenable situation: If you LIVE THERE FREE you'll have to put up with it. If you PAYRENT (agreed upon) you are entiled to your own time, but still under 'House Rules'. Pay Rent & Housework!? better renegotiate.
How long are you planning to be a STUDENT?

Sounds like at age 24 they want you to go out and get a job. PERHAPS they know something we don't? I'm sure there is something you can do, or learn.
In any case, building a Model Railroad is scaring them. If not in their house , procrastination IS.. BETTER to put your efforts and time elsewhere until you are on your own.[b]They see ANY hobby as an impediment to getting you on your own[/b, therfor the 'discouraging' words.

Have you thought of taking any courses in SHOP?

[Anonymous]

Don't let them get in your way!!! Do want you want to do, and and stick up for yourself!!! Don't let your parents ruin your life!!! You can do what you want, no matter what other people say!!! I'm 13, and I have two brothers who don't have a clue about railroading, and sometimes crictisize me, but I don't let them get in my way!!! So just do what you want, not what other people want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Don Gibson]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kylerama

Don't let them get in your way!!! Do want you want to do, and and stick up for yourself!!! Don't let your parents ruin your life!!! You can do what you want, no matter what other people say!!! I'm 13...So just do what you want, not what other people want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BAD advice Kylerma.
You are 13 with an attitude - and a mouth that roars. Did you show your parents your post? (Show it to your older brothers so they can be impressed.)

You are 13 and he is 24. You probably think you know everything. He doesn't.
Call back when you reach 24 and your 'free ride' is over..

[newhavenguy]

Kyle it's exactly that attitude (yours) that keeps me in my job. Corrections Officer. There are rules to live by. Whether your living with your parents or the law, you need to follow them. You should be thankful you have parents who have rules in the first place. Along with your siblings. As Don said: "Call back when when you reach 24 and the FREE RIDE is over." FREE RIDE is the key word here. Do you know how much it costs to live on your own? You should find out. Your too young to have a job. Your hormones are raging and you've got an attitude. Probably from the music you listen to and the TV you watch. It's mostly negative these days. Son until you get old enough to be an adult, by the way you have to get there first, be thankful you have what you have. [soapbox]

Neerie: If in fact you pay rent, do chores around the house and go to school, I'm with Don here. Renegotiate. The 24 yr old living at home has 2 problems. Your parents see you as their 'son'. Probably as the 18 yr. old you were. 2 They are conserned about money they could be spending or saving on something else, like retirement. But at the same time don't want to give up their son or the tax write off it generates. I hate to be blunt like that but many parents I talk to feel that way. As you are 24 they need to wake up to the fact that you are not 18 anymore. That you do help around the house and go to school. Do you have a job? That's just more ammunition for you to negotiate with.

Now back to your railroading problem. When I started in this hobby and could afford to start buying stuff, as I knew what railroad and what era and what I needed, I started buying cars, engines, kits ect., a little at a time and stored them. I put a few of them together yes but stored most. I then joined a model railroad club. This gives you the opertunity to get out of the house and enjoy something you like. Build friendships and gain knowledge of the hobby. When I got older on my own I I had a lot more skills in this hobby then I would have had I tried this on my own. Reading and learning is fine. Hands on is completely different. You learn faster in my opinion. See if you can find someone in your area that has a layout or a club that you could join. It will get you out of the house some and your parents would probably cheri***he time alone with each other. You would benifit from it also.

[Anonymous]

My turn, the first responder to your question was probably quite truthfull with you. Your parents do want you to move on. However parents do not always realize because you turned 18 or older, you would be loaded with wealth just by getting a job. I was told to get out of the house when I was 12, because my father had to quit school and he worked on the family farm at that age. I was extremely lucky. At age 18 I got hired in industry because of my then future father-in-law. I have made an extremely good living at it for 25 years. My son is 11. I will not tell him what my father told me no matter how nuts he drives me. Even at my age, I went through a costly divorce that I still have not recovered from. My ex-wife disposed of all my train equipment before the divorce. I still dream of the day I will have a large layout again. Your parents are telling you to move on. Parents should encourage their children, not discourage them. This overall talk can lead to a child's feeling of no worth, or incapable of accomplishment regardless of age. Finish your schooling, get an education, and when you are done, get your job, move out and start small with your railroad. Hobbies are good for a man, as long as you keep it in financial perspective. By the way, all girls will not like your railroad either, they will have to compete with it for time with you. As my ex-wife said, "You love that railroad more than me" I think she was right!

[Anonymous]

Well I try to lay low and do everything in order to calm them, I know better than just 'doing what I want whenever I want' [;)] I'll be off of school in two years, and will then hold a master in translation, which will lead to a job starting in between 45 and 50 k a year (in CAD that is), which is really good. I intend of getting a summer job in translation next year, which should pay good and allow me to move out.

I'm responsible and I do budget my money, for now I have all the books I need about model railroading (and I have this forum too), so the next books I buy will be when I really start planning a layout. I won't be buying any other train stuff until then either, as I am saving money to be comfortable when I do leave home.

I think the major problem they have with it (beside my mother fearing that I cut my whole arm in the process), is that it's somewhat a loner hobby and they would like me to get out more.

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tatans
I wonder what your parents would say if you told them you were giving up model railroading and decided to sit in a bar all day, hmmmm.

Actually, I'm not sure if they wouldn't prefer that.....

Anyway, I think part of the problem is that they are overprotective, still treating me like a teenager but wanting me to act more grown up while not liking it a bit when I do, a paradox really.

[Roadtrp]

<<Many parents with children can't realize the difficulty this generation is in with no jobs and its not like it WAS in their generation,>>

Oh BS!!

My son who is now 27 has NO college and made 48,000 last year. I know, because I did his tax return.

And even though he is single, he is constantly broke. Why? Because like so many young people today he wants it ALL NOW.

He feels he NEEDS a large screen HDTV. Our largest TV is a 32" standard TV. He has a car that costs more than the car I drive. He spends far more on entertainment than my wife and I do. And we aren't paupers -- we both hold professional positions with very good incomes.

You think times are rough now? You have no idea. During the mid 70's when I was first starting out unemployment was significantly higher than it is now and the country was suffering from runaway inflation.

Sorry to get off on a rant, but many young people today have no concept of what it is like to spend years working towards a goal. They have to have it all now.

[soapbox]

[Roadtrp]

Oh crap. It's finally happened. I've turned into my father. It's funny how much smarter the old man seems when you've had teens of your own.

[;)][:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Roadtrp

Oh crap. It's finally happened. I've turned into my father. It's funny how much smarter the old man seems when you've had teens of your own.

[;)][:D]

"My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter
he got." Mark Twain

Wayne

[Anonymous]

I am 62 age old, I started "playing" with trains when I was 13. I learned electricity, electronics, mechnical and patience. Don't get upset it is a normal reaction to any pastime activity trains, fishing, golf etc.

You can start very small, building small buildings, and even start an N gauge layout-2x4. Or join a local club (get out of the house), a small attendance fee will get you working toward your own layout.

I did not have a layout until 2002. I waited 50 years !!!
[:o)]

[BRAKIE]

Neerie,I must go with Don on this one Renegotiate the deal..There are those you will meet in life that will ever understand the hobby and why we as adults "Play with toy trains"..Never let folks like that get to you after all most that criticize us for our hobby spends hours laying around watching TV .I could never live a life like that..My advice would be to finish your education and just build kits or detail engines until I move out on my own.Now when you do get that first home sweet home nobody but nobody can tell you not to do as you wish..Look I am a bachlor..I answer to nobody but to God and myself and that is the way I like it..[:D] Of course I was married for 22 years and lost my wife in a car wreck..Now I enjoy my freedom..BTW my kids left the nest at the age of 19(son) and 22 (daughter)..

[jwmurrayjr]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Roadtrp

Speaking as a parent who has had a 24-year-old son live at home...

Most parents don't anticipate that their children will still be living with them at that age. I realize that it is necessary at times because of financial situations, as it was with my son. But I don't think it is a particularly good arrangement for either the parents or the kid, and it creates conflicts over things that would not normally occur.

My guess is that mom and step dad are thinking "Every $ he spends on train stuff is one $ less that he is able to save up to get his own place". I would let them know that you want to maintain your interest in model railroading, but you don't intend to actually start building a layout until you are on your own.

It really wouldn't be fair to your parents to start up an expensive hobby at a time when you are relying on them for support. You will have many years to build your layout when you are living independently. Keep reading and visiting these boards to maintain your interest until then.

This may not be what you wanted to hear, but I am being as absolutely honest as I can.

Good luck!! [:)]

Neerie,

I think that this just about says it all. Get on with your own life and do whatever you need to do to be self-supporting and get your own place. Then, and only then, will you be able to pursue your own interests.

As long as you live in someone else's home they do have something to say about how you live and spend your time. When you start supporting yourself you can make your own rules, but even then there will be some restrictions of course.

Read and plan and when the time comes you'll be better prepared to build your layout. The time will pass before you know it.

[:)]

[twhite]

Neerie: Don't know if this will help or not, but I kind of went through the same thing when I was in my 'teens and 'twenties. Mom thought it was ridiculous that I 'played with trains' (remember, girls give up their Barbies at 11, men give up THEIR toys on their deathbeds). Dad just sort of ignored the whole thing. I remember when he gave me a power-saw for Christmas one year, my mother almost had a self-induced Hysterectomy because she was sure I was going to cut my hand off with the damned thing (I'm a pianist by profession). To make a long story short, with a lot of patience and sometimes just IGNORING the remarks, they gradually came around and accepted my hobby. In fact, before my dad died, he got so interested in it himself that I helped him build an N-scale layout in his workshop. Be patient, I didn't build my first layout until I had my own home, when I as in my 'thirties. I'd spend the time now building kits and reading about everything that the hobby entails, so that when you ARE independent, you can approach your first layout with a lot of confidence. Hope this helps. I wish you the best, but I think you'll be fine. Just remember, boys keep their toys forever, thank God!

[Anonymous]

I have a hard time imagining why someone wouldn't want someone to learn how to use power tools. Most of the people I know over 30 are well versed in their use and plenty of people under 30 at least know how not to get themselves hurt. Heck, everyone I went to high school with knows how to use at least a bandsaw, belt sander, soldering iron, and a few other things (we still have mandatory shop class in these parts). Why someone would want to deny someone learning a very useful skilll is entirely beyond me. You can save so much money on things by being able to build them yourself, like how my parents install hardwood floors, built floor to ceiling bookcases in the living room, and my dad built, singlehandedly, a 10' sailboat. To me its like saying you shouldn't learn to drive because you could get killed in a wreck.

[Anonymous]

I had a conversation with my brother a few years ago that went something like this:

So, you still playing with trains?

Yes.

Aren't you a little old to be playing with trains?

No.

Do you know how embarrassing it is for me to admit that my brother plays with trains?

No.

Are you ever going to grow up?

I did, a good number of years ago. Now I have a question for you. What difference does it make to you, living 1500 miles away from me, if I play with trains or not?

(No answer.)

[CBQ_Guy]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Noah Hofrichter

Neerie, I think the message in you signature sort of fits here.......

Noah

Yeah, I agree...Just do it, and then expect the criticism. But so what. You got to do what you wanted and it gave you pleasure, so who cares when the criticism comes? You can almost guarantee it will anyway but you've gotten what YOU wanted in the mean time.

Your parent's attitude sounds like my wife's toward the hobby. At least you can look forward to the day you'll be leaving and get away from it.

[Jetrock]

Indeed--one way to get them into it might be to show how model railroading teaches practical skills in the areas of design, electronics, art, woodworking, etcetera. And even if you don't have much space you can work on some things--build a kit or two, cobble up a little 1x4 foot mini railway you can set on your desk (take a look at www.carendt.com for some inspiration), join a local club.

If they are really being that critical perhaps they're just trying, in a screwed-up passive-aggressive way, to make you uncomfortable enough to move out. As someone who boomeranged back into my parents' house at 24 (for two months) it can definitely be an uncomfortable thing to be an adult in an environment where one is sometimes treated like a child.

Perhaps rather than trying to defend model railroading, your objective might be to defend your own adulthood--telling one's own child that they are stupid (even if their child is an adult) for liking trains is a fairly messed-up thing to do, as well as the assertion that "you will never be good at (insert subject here)." A lot of this sounds like the responses of some sort of family dysfunction. You are 24 and can make your own decisions about what you want to do with your life--even if you live under their roof, they don't own you and have no right to decide your interests for you.

Quite frankly, the best possible thing you can do is get the heck out. Often not being in the house will greatly increase a parent's opinion of their offspring, and vice versa...

[Don Gibson]

Model railroading is a HOBBY.
Hobby's are OUTLETS for energy -mental or otherwise.
It also can be be an ESCAPE from the world we live in to one we create..

I'll leave it to you what YOUR needs are - (key) at this time in your life.

[brothaslide]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Neerie

I'm 24 years old but still lives with my mother and step father due to being a student and appartments being very expensive here.

Neerie,

Some practical advice would be to get a game plan on paper for becoming self sefficent, getting out of the house and into your own place, etc. Look into getting an apartment with room mates. Finish getting your degree ASAP.

Once you have thought it through and have it down on paper, (budget, timelines, etc.) it won't seem so overwhelming.

Good luck and keep us informed.

Curious - what is your major in school?