Phoebe Vet I just have to ask. What attracted you to these women to start with?
I just have to ask.
What attracted you to these women to start with?
Well, my wife was a model...that is, she did lingerie and clothes ads for national catalogues, and live fashion shows etc....not that she was HO size.
Of course I didn't know that her family has a long history of mental illness / depression and such. I appreciate it's been hard for her. Without going into the full story, her daughter has some "problems" so we've been raising her daughter's son for the last year and a half (he turns 3 next month). When my wife gets anxious or depressed she gets very moody and frankly kinda nasty. I'm hoping things will eventually smooth themselves out.
TruckDo your wives ever nag you about how much you spend on trains? No matter how hard I try to hide stuff I buy She still finds out.
Do your wives ever nag you about how much you spend on trains? No matter how hard I try to hide stuff I buy She still finds out.
My wife and I don't always agree on everything, but we found a solution to the "Hobby Spending Blues". We both work full time, and get paid on alternating Fridays. Each Friday, we each take $50, and that is our "Allowance" for the week. And that allowance is for whatever purpose the holder of said cash sees fit to spend it on. If a large purchase is planned, the cash is saved up. Now, occasionally, things come up that are immediate (say a super-duper sale on a locomotive that I've been lusting after), so when that happens we discuss it first.
And I think that's the biggest key, at least in my relationship. Communication. We talk about things and get everything out in the open. When we were just dating, I let her know from the start that model trains were something that I enjoy very much, and if I was going to be forced to give them up to be with her, to let me know right then and there so we could part ways amicably. Likewise, she collects teddy bears, so if I had a problem with that, yadda yadda. We'll celebrate our fourth anniversary this March.
Of course, it does help that she takes part in our modular setups and permanent layout open houses. Heck, we even bought her two trains of her own...a Chicago Metra train and a Wisconsin Central freight. And she has bought me a couple of teddy bears of my own. One even wears an engineer's cap.
I also have a friend whose wife pretty much refuses to let him partake in the hobby, though I'll admit she has loosened the leash a bit in the past couple of years. There, I see a man who has had no stress relief. I would NOT want to be in his shoes.
Robert Beaty
The Laughing Hippie
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The CF-7...a waste of a perfectly good F-unit!
Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the
end of your tunnel, Was just a freight train coming
your way. -Metallica, No Leaf Clover
I just realized, Bill, that I do the same...I bounce off her the larger purchases. Engines for sure because they all come with sound or will have it installed...either way it adds to a chunk of cash. Oddly, she goes to the next large center and comes back with stuff adding up to way more and rarely consults me. But, like in your case, she pays the bills and I am the provider of the fodder. I guess she should be apprised of the negative cash flow generated by me so that she can anticipate tight spots.
-Crandell
I been married 38 yrs. See This? No lips, No tongue. Bitten off years ago. Also have no guts and no ambition. Actually we have a pretty good life. She always knows what I spend,she keeps the books but I make the money. She doesn't participate in the hobby,she reads and uses the library mostly,and always goes along to the swaps meets adn so on. I usually bounce a big purchase off her mostly just as a way to ask myself out loud,"do I really want this? BILL
selector I wouldn't suggest for a second that my marriage is perfect, but neither did I ever idealize my wife or our circumstances. We tended to grow together after we were married, and we have influenced each other. She still bugs the you-know-what out of me at times, and I accept, without regret or guilt, that I do the same to her. We still can laugh and kid each other. The secret is to not let it get the upper hand. Treat each other as individual humans with separate histories...all you share is what happened after you met. My youngest brother's wife is a real pistol, sharp as a tack, computer science grad. Now that their youngest is in university, she has wondered what became of all her dreams. She wants "her life" back! I suspect all of us feel 'ripped off'' in some ways. If you are not prepared to do your share, to give your share, to take your share, your marriage is doomed. Any such friendship is doomed! (Reminds me of an old Andy Capp cartoon where Flo is obviously angry at Andy for something, and he intones, "Flo, marriage is all about give and take. Yer the one who gives." Most of us can appreciate the humour and irony, but we all should feel a little twinge of guilt for the times when we knew we were looking out for ourselves first.) I spend too much on my hobby, but I feel I owe it to myself to find some happiness and excitement to keep me motivated in general to deal with other realities. I have other interests, and so does She. I try to keep it even-handed without keeping scrupulous records. When I know she really lusts after something, I try hard to get her to accept it as a fact of life and I will buy it for her if she walks away. Did that with a nice purse last spring, and she carries it everywhere. Victory for Crandell. Same for a $40 sports coat marked down considerably in Vancouver recently. She loves it! If the house bills and taxes are paid, and an emergency fund of some kind is kept, enjoy some of...not all...some of...the rest. I do worry, to close, about how easy it is to be highly acquisitive in this hobby. A new promising engine that is announced is really tough to stave off, and so is cruising the auction sites looking for easy pickin's. I stay away. -Crandell
I wouldn't suggest for a second that my marriage is perfect, but neither did I ever idealize my wife or our circumstances. We tended to grow together after we were married, and we have influenced each other. She still bugs the you-know-what out of me at times, and I accept, without regret or guilt, that I do the same to her. We still can laugh and kid each other.
The secret is to not let it get the upper hand. Treat each other as individual humans with separate histories...all you share is what happened after you met. My youngest brother's wife is a real pistol, sharp as a tack, computer science grad. Now that their youngest is in university, she has wondered what became of all her dreams. She wants "her life" back! I suspect all of us feel 'ripped off'' in some ways. If you are not prepared to do your share, to give your share, to take your share, your marriage is doomed. Any such friendship is doomed!
(Reminds me of an old Andy Capp cartoon where Flo is obviously angry at Andy for something, and he intones, "Flo, marriage is all about give and take. Yer the one who gives." Most of us can appreciate the humour and irony, but we all should feel a little twinge of guilt for the times when we knew we were looking out for ourselves first.)
I spend too much on my hobby, but I feel I owe it to myself to find some happiness and excitement to keep me motivated in general to deal with other realities. I have other interests, and so does She. I try to keep it even-handed without keeping scrupulous records. When I know she really lusts after something, I try hard to get her to accept it as a fact of life and I will buy it for her if she walks away. Did that with a nice purse last spring, and she carries it everywhere. Victory for Crandell. Same for a $40 sports coat marked down considerably in Vancouver recently. She loves it! If the house bills and taxes are paid, and an emergency fund of some kind is kept, enjoy some of...not all...some of...the rest.
I do worry, to close, about how easy it is to be highly acquisitive in this hobby. A new promising engine that is announced is really tough to stave off, and so is cruising the auction sites looking for easy pickin's. I stay away.
Very well put.. there's give and take and one shouldn't even attempt to keep score. Funny you should mention the purse..my wife too buys purses...and when she drops five or six hundred bucks on one I don't worry about it anymore. Back when I first met her though it was quite an adjustment for me...As for the hobby, I don't spend more than I have to...I'm sure the hobby shop I visit on a regular basis thinks I'm a poor sod..I usually go in ...I browse..and I leave. Once in awhile I will buy a book or a magazine...maybe a length of track or a boxcar. Most of the fun for me isn't in the acquisition.. it is more in developing my ability to put together a nice layout... in large part it is an artistic undertaking.. In some respects the easy availability of so many super detailed models takes away from the hobby.. once upon a time if you wanted a super detailed model of anything you pretty much had to make it yourself. Now its more or less a question of how deep your pockets are and go and get it.
Though my wife doesn't share my love of trains, she does accept it. The first hunting season after we were married she laid down the law that she WILL not be a hunters widow next season. I came up with a great solution. One that shares my love of the outdoorsm, and her passion for photography. She started to accompany me on my hunting trips, and would sit in the blind with me, or in her own tree stand and take very remarkable photo's of the wildlife, though i did all the hard work by calling the critters in.
Her only stipulation was that I couldn't kill anything when she was with me. So I hunted in the mornings, while she slept in, and took her out in the evenings. I guess the moral of the story is find some way to compromise, or get her involved in something that you are interested in, be open and honest, and you shouldn't have any problems.
I actually got her pretty good that year too. She had been eyeing a very nice Cannon DSLR camera, so I scrimped and saved all year long. I bought myself a new bow, and the camera. I put the camera on her pillow, and showed her the bow when she got home. When she got mad and stormed off to our room it was like she was a five year old on Christmas morning.
Jason
Modeling the Fort Worth & Denver of the early 1970's in N scale
My wife told me it was either "her or the train layout". Man, I am really going to miss her.
Brian
8500HPGASTURBINE I have to say there is NOTHING like a women doing track work in a small pair of see-thru lingerie. I know this might sound strong but there is NOTHING like a women smoothing out ballast in a thong. NOTHING. Please accept my apologies. We have a great MRR relationship. MIKE
---I read this and had coffee go out my nose!! Audrey then read this and she burst out laughing!!
Any argument carried far enough will end up in Semantics--Hartz's law of rhetoric Emerald. Leemer and Southern The route of the Sceptre Express Barry
I just started my blog site...more stuff to come...
http://modeltrainswithmusic.blogspot.ca/
Mobilman44:
I am in total agreement. It should go without saying that hobby spending should only be done with funds remaining after all obligations are met. Incurring "family" debt or using funds intended for food, shelter, transportation, etc. should be EXPECTED to strain the relationship. lol
Dave
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
Personally, I believe that this all comes down to a question of support - both giving and taking. I show support for her interests (recreational running) and understand what's important to her. And in turn, she shows support for my interests, and understands what's important to me. It also helps that she sees it in the light of a logic (switching) puzzle, much like the Rubik's cubes she can solve in 4 1/2 minutes.
My layout's a 9 1/2' by 4' table, which won't be expanding, and she's already agreed I can use a spare bedroom or garage for it - so space isn't an issue. I've also come onboard to her idea of getting a couple of pet cats once we buy a place of our own. She's even letting me name one 'Topeka' . Purchases aren't a concern - I've got most of what I need for it - so money's not an issue.
Time balancing is my main concern. I'm hoping to finish the scenery before we move out, so the only things I'll really need time for are detailing and operating. And I figure I can fit this into the time she's following her own interests - running club, etc.
The Location: Forests of the Pacific Northwest, OregonThe Year: 1948The Scale: On30The Blog: http://bvlcorr.tumblr.com
While voicing my approval, please heed a word of warning. Put away the soldering iron, exacto knives, and anything else that should have your undivided attention while in use.
Hi!
I just love this subject!!!
I was married for 21 years, single for 15, and married again for 8 years (and counting). My first marriage resulted in 4 kids (in 3 years) and between taking care of the family, finishing school at night, and working full time, there wasn't much time or money for trains to ever cause a problem. A favorite Christmas or birthday gift to me was Athearn kits, which were minimal in cost.
When I was single, the women I dated mostly ooohed and awwwweeed over the Lionel collection and the HO layout, and few had any concerns about the money. There was one exception, who happened to be a very well to do mortgage insurer. I thought we would make a great pair, until I first opened the door to the layout room. Her first words were...... "how much did all of this cost?" She made the word "this" seem like something dirty. That was a good warning sign, and we went our separate ways in a few weeks.
I dated my second wife for almost two years before we married. She seemed to be genuinely interested in the layout, and actually took some HO people and animals home to paint (she did an excellent job). It turns out her parents owned a craft store years ago and she worked there for 5 years and grew to appreciate what all was involved in the various hobbies.
After 8 years, she fully supports my hobby and money has never been an issue. But, I have to add that there is money available for our hobbies, and buying a loco (or piece of software for her) does not create a bill or take away from household monies. IMHO, that is a key point........ if the money is available for the hobby, then fine. If not, then that's not so fine.
For what its worth,
Mobilman44
ENJOY !
Living in southeast Texas, formerly modeling the "postwar" Santa Fe and Illinois Central
Phoebe Vet Fred, and anyone else who was offended, I apologize. It was not my intention to be judgmental. I was truly interested in the answer. Several people posting in this thread have described relationships that seem, at least to some degree, to be adversarial. I was just curious how a close relationship takes that turn. Was the original attraction such that the incompatibility was not noticed, or did one of you change over time?
Fred, and anyone else who was offended, I apologize. It was not my intention to be judgmental.
I was truly interested in the answer. Several people posting in this thread have described relationships that seem, at least to some degree, to be adversarial. I was just curious how a close relationship takes that turn. Was the original attraction such that the incompatibility was not noticed, or did one of you change over time?
I wasn't offended. But I don't like the feelings of guilt and/or resentment that I get when I compare the reality of my home life with what others are reporting in these types of threads. And this type of thread is recurring in this forum. And based on the responses I see, assuming my presumption of those whose relationships aren't so hot are more reluctant to post, the have-nots are actually in the majority. That is also my experience in talking and living with male co-workers - the conflicted marriages far outnumber the idyllic ones. The jokes don't come without a kernal of truth behind them.
As for how a marriage goes south - it's usually not just one cause. Many folks, including me, ignore the warning signs during the dating/courtship phase that there are serious, unresolved issues ahead. In my second marriage, children were/are a higher priority than husband to my now wife. I was told that before we married, but I didn't believe she really believed it since it was so foreign to my values.
People do change and grow over time, especially if one marries young or moves to totally different environments frequently (military service). And they don't grow or change in the same directions or at the same time. So the compatibility quotient does not stay constant. This is from 2 marriages - the 1st of 17 years, the second is in its 16th year. It takes a real commitment on both parts to hold together during these periods of uneven change/growth.
Finally, we (or at least I) tend to take the marriage for granted, and forget to put in the care and feeding necessary to keep it vibrant.
In the grand scheme of things, whether the wife is a fellow train enthusiast or not is just not that important. More telling is whether or not she respects and cares for me enough to accept and encourage my interest in something that doesn't interest her. In my case, I've been suddenly, pleasantly, and unexpectedly surprised.
Fred W
I never get bothered about the $. We both work full time and make decent money so after the bills are paid, what's mine is mine and what's hers is hers. What I do hear about is the time spent in the basement or where-ever. I have several hobbies, fishing, golf, surfing, gardening, trains and I have worked out a schedule for them. Every saturday morning and one night a week I get to spend on hobbies. Of course, I made the schedule.
When I met the young woman that became my wife, she appeared to be interested in many of the things that I was interested in.
OTOH, while I was mildly interested in trains in my youth, it wasn't until after I was married that I really started doing much about it.
It's also true that a womans prerogative is to change her mind - the fact that my wife is bipolar, only makes that more so - last night, just to see what would happen, I asked her if I can get a Z scale starter set, and she said that was fine. Guess where I going in a few min I suspect that after I get it, she will change her mind.
I have learned to get things while she's in a good mood, because if she gets on my case about it, I can always point out that she agreed to it.
That being said, I caught her in a good mood the other day and managed to get her to agree to stay home with the kids, while I went to a Z scale convention, next spring. The fact that she works for Delta means that the flight isn't going to cost anything but a little sleep.
Since the answer is apparently none of my business, please accept this as an explanation, not a restating of the question.
The title of this thread says it all.
Not 5 minutes after I wrote the previous post, the wife sends me an e-mail to say that she was selling some things on Craig's list so that I could have the registration fee for the Narrow Gauge convention. I am grateful.
Hmmm, I wonder if she is reading this forum, too?
Please be a little cautious - I think you are coming across more self-righteous and judgemental than you realize.
Each has their own reasons for entering into matrimony with a particular person. They may or may not be good reasons in the eyes of another, so I'm not offering mine up for judgement on this forum. Let's just say her interest (or lack thereof) in model railroading was not an important factor for me in the wife selection process.
My interests have changed over the years - I dropped model railroading for a while, then I went into 3 rail O to play with toys for a decade, before returning to scale model railroading about 10 years ago. Family situations (kids and money) also drove resources and interest in the hobby, usually negatively. So I could hardly hold a woman's personal lack of interest in the hobby against her.
The same is true of my other big recreational activity that I particularly enjoy - sailing. When I lived in Miami, I had a 25ft sailboat and sailed and raced frequently. My wife would come cruising with me, but didn't really have the same passion for sailing. In Alaska, I had a fishing skiff, not a sailboat. In California, I sailed a 14ft racing boat. I was at peace with the move to Colorado, knowing I would more or less give up sailing, because Colorado was the best place for my family's future. I've taken up backpacking with my teenage son, assistant coaching my daughter's sports, and have gotten back into model railroading as my primary personal hobby. My biggest disappointment since the move is lack of hobby budget to attend next weekend's National Narrow Gauge Convention here in Colorado Springs - the money went to fund equipment for a 3 day backpack trek with my son this weekend. I'll work overtime the week of the NNGC to help the family finances and to take my mind off the disappointment.
perhaps not the answer you were looking for, but it's my story
Unfortunately when we got married, my wife's credit problems were bad enough that my bank refused to let her go onto my account as a joint account, so we ended up putting me on her credit union account. It's OK but she 'owns' the checkbook and so any checks or debit card purchases have to be reported to her. If I forget I hear about it when she checks the numbers online.
So I can't really "sneak" purchases, except that I do have about $100 of every paycheck that goes into savings (the rest goes into checking and is never seen again) so I can withdraw money from my "slush fund" for train purchases.
My wife was interested in the hobby when we were dating, but once we got married things changed. Now she never misses an opportunity to make comments about the "losers" who share my hobby interests (trains, bowling, etc.).
Truck Do your wives ever nag you about how much you spend on trains? No matter how hard I try to hide stuff I buy She still finds out.
My answer is yes. No, I don't have the great marriage that some other responders claim to have. Because my wife does not share my hobbies or interests, anytime the bank account gets a little low, my spending on my interests is too much. The rest of the time, since she doesn't want to track her spending, if the account balance is reasonable, she doesn't really care.
Yes, I do hide many of my purchases from her to keep the peace. I deliberately let her see a few because she knows I'm not spending zero. Occasionally, I'm not thorough enough about getting rid of receipts and she stumbles upon more than I intended. Then I'm in the doghouse.
I do maintain a budget, and track my spending on my stuff. Occasionally, I have exceeded my budget - although that has stopped in recent months as we have gotten rid of our credit cards and are paying off our debts.
Is everything as I want it? No, but I'm continually trying to make things better.
yours in an imperfect world
The wife and I did the same.
The problem is that there was a few things we didn't think to talk about.
The first was the concept that there is no such thing as the perfect marriage - she had this concept of the ideal marriage that included the fact that married couples never argue, because she never saw her own parents disagree about anything. It wasn't that they did not disagree, but the fact that when they did disagree, they kept it so private, their kids ( my wife and her two brothers ) never saw them deal with it, and work through it.
The second is the fact that I became disabled, and for a long time she was the bread winner, while I stayed home and took care of the kids - something that she was brought up to believe was her role in life. So we had a case of role reversal.
To help, I made sure that the bills got paid - problem was, despite the fact that I would render accounting to her as to how much was needed to pay what bill, all she saw was the fact that I was staying home and coming to her to get money to pay the bills. Despite the fact that I was giving her a full accounting, she got it into her head that I was skimming cash, so she decided to pay the bills her self.
Because she took it on her self to pay the bills and the fact that she was already working full time, she then decided that I wasn't doing the laundry to her liking - so she took that job on as well, and so it continued she would decide that I wasn't doing something the way she thought it should be done, so that was another thing she would do her self - she wouldn't even let the kids do things for themselves because they didn't do it to her satisfaction.
After a while she had pushed me out of every job around the house, and then started blaming me and the kids for not doing 'enough' to help her, the entire time she would be watching her TV shows without fail, but to hear her put it, she was the selfless martyr slaving away so I could do nothing, she should be given a honorary doctorate for the way she had passive aggression down to a science. I was so tied up with trying not to cause problems and my physical health, that my own mental health was starting to fail, and things were at a breaking point.
Finlay things did break - but not in the way that either of us expected.
Last spring, some stuff happened, I developed an " I don't give a crap " attitude and she was forced to let go everything, and while I may currently have an attitude, about her thoughts on some things ( perhaps on many things ), in the last six months I have finally managed to get more done around the house, than in the previous 2 years combined, because I no longer care if she likes the way I do it or not - I'm just getting it done.
Funny thing, despite the fact that she now has time to do stuff and the house is in better shape, she still can't see that she brought allot of her problems on her self by pushing me out of the picture in the first place, and despite the mental hell I went through, I still love her.
I'm finally starting to get through to her that as long as she just let's me do things around the house in my own weird wacky way, and just go with the flow, instead of trying to control it, life is much easier, than the alternative. As far as I'm concerned, she just needs to get the heck out of the way, and let me get things done - It's not that my physical health is better, it's that now I have figured out how to plan ahead and organize the kids better to get things done, I take care of the very big, and the very small, and I have the kids take care of everything else ( like putting away their own clothes after laundry is done - and the kids are better for it, because they are learning how to do things for them selves rather than their mom doing it for them )
Audrey and I basically talked about not only our interests and such but also our attitude/approach, or rather, our relationship with/to money before we got married. This also included things like budgeting and such. That way the issues of hobbies and such were dealt with--hence our seperate budgets and where those budgets get/receive funding from. This does help in terms of keeping the peace in this house---
I feel I need to add one of my wife's comments she has made several times and even to friends "it would be cheaper if you had a girlfriend" Hum? My response was no I would rather have a couple of brass locomotives, besides no one could ever replace you honey. I know how to schmooze when I have to.
Phoebe Vet Nope. Perhaps the fact that you hide stuff from her explains her anger when she "discovers" it. Total honesty has kept our marraige strong for 42 years.
Nope.
Perhaps the fact that you hide stuff from her explains her anger when she "discovers" it.
Total honesty has kept our marraige strong for 42 years.
Have to disagree in part.
Some wife's don't have a life, and figure that if they don't have one, then their husbands shouldn't have one.
My wife is kind of like that.
She sees absolutely no reason to take a some time to have a little fun ( like spending the day at the county fair ), moaning and complain that she doesn't have time, yet doesn't' think twice about spending time watching the likes of Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy, or Surviver.
I do not deny her the right to have a hobby, or the right to get together with her friends both of which she chooses not to do, by the same token, she has no right to dictate to me that I can't have a hobby or spend time with my friends, because she thinks it's to expensive. She chooses to remain ignorant of how little I actual spend ( less than $200 / yr ), and has in the past preferred to assume the worse any time I did tell her I did buy anything, so as far as I'm concerned, she can remain ignorant of what I actual own, when I do buy something.
Would I prefer that I could be open about it?
Sure, but since she can't accept the fact that I have and interest that she doesn't share, I don't bother her with the burden of knowing. If she does find out, no big deal, since I wasn't exactly hiding it, if she makes a fuss about the money spent, I just tell her if she doesn't think that we have enough money for what little I actually do spend, perhaps she should get a full time job rather than the 20 hrs a week she does now - I at least do odd jobs to have some side income to pay for my hobbies.
My wife is very supportive of my hobby.
Modeling the Rio Grande Southern First District circa 1938-1946 in HOn3.
My wife is VERY supportive of my hobby, 1) I had my layout in our musty damp basement, she sugessted that I build the garage into a trainroom which is DOUBLE THE SIZE I have now!!(great for Nscale) after I woke up from blacking out, I said whwhwhwhat?! so now the trainroom is under construction, 2) she wants to help with the scenry,3) We have a deal, she loves this brand of purses made by the Coach leather co, so whenever she buys one or put one on layaway, I buy or put a loco on layaway, we have our seperate accounts for this of coruse, I now have 26 in my fleet!!! 3) she loves trains also, when we can we take rides on Amtrak and other railroads that offer exscursion rides! and she operates the streetcars here in our city!!! There is only one thing I can say BOOOOOOYAAAAAA Baby!!!
No. She has her scrapbooking (her new hobby), I have my railroad and we both have everything else including interests in each others hobbies. I have a 16x16 room for the walk-in layout and she keeps saying if we buy a bigger house I could have a larger room. Actually she really just wants a bigger kitchen and it's a carrot she dangles in front of me.