Rosebud Falls Gazette: Piccolo Pete Plummets from Precarious Perch

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Disaster Averted on Falls
Piccolo Pete Plummets from Precarious Perch
Rosebud Falls (16 Feb. 1906) On The GRAPEvine today:


Legendary local fisherman Piccolo Pete fell over sixty feet down the Falls in a near disaster today while fishing on the upper Falls of Rosebud Falls. Mr. Pete was quoted as saying "I guess I was fishing a little to close to the escarpment of the upper most fall and lost my footing in the swift current."

Mr. Standz and son were fishing on the north side of the upper fall when they saw Mr. Pete slip and fall in the swift moving water. After seeing Mr. Pete swept over the fall, Mr. Standz made a quick da***o the ranger station where a rescue team was quickly dispatched. Armound Hammar, the chief ranger at the falls, led his team to the scene of the accident. Fearing the worst of all possible outcomes they proceeded to search the middle fall to no avail. As the rescue team started their descent to the lower fall they saw Mr. Pete. Mr. Hammar said "As we worked our way down to the lower falls, we saw what my team and I consider to be a miracle. There to our amazement was Mr. Pete, disheveled as he was, still fishing." A quick medical examination on scene showed that Mr. Pete had suffered only light bruising and minor scratches. Mr. Pete said that he had to keep fishing otherwise he would sustain even worse injuries inflicted by his wife if he did not bring back enough fish for his wife's restaurant.

[tangerine-jack]

To the Editor
Rosebud Falls Gazette:

Sir:

The agents of the Security and Contract Enforcement Division of the Dixie D Short Line Railroad, Virginia Beach, VA would like to formally apologize to Mr. Piccolo Pete of Rosebud Falls. Mr. Pete was mistakenly identified as a certain notorious outlaw known as "Captain Carrales", which the Enforcement agents have been seeking for some time. During interrogation by the Dixie D operatives, Mr. Pete made a full confession to a number of miscreant behaviors and mistakenly gave his name as "Captain Carrales" before having a “little accident” with the ledge.

It is our sincerest hopes that Mr. Pete will soon recover from most of his non-fall related injuries and accept our assurances that he need not worry about sleeping with his goldfish any time soon.

Your humble servant,

Tangerine-Jack
Owner/ Operator
Megalomaniac
Dixie-D SL

[Tom The Brat]

Good story!

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Somewhere in here I detect a connection with Occidental Petroleum, wonder why?

The late Armand Hammer, Chairman!

[Capt Bob Johnson]

CITIZENS PROTEST STRONGARM TACTICS!

Management of the Dixie D. shortline railroad have been innundated with protests by local citizenry who are demanding to know why Dixie D. has brought in those Goon Squads who used to work on the NY & NJ waterfronts to provide security for the railroad!

Mr. Smokey Fire Hobo is complaining that these people have no compassion and no regard for individual rights, while John P. Railfan is incensed at the rough handling he recieved when standing off the railroad's right of way taking pictures of the trains. Mr. Piccolo Pete tells of being thrown over the Rosebud Falls simply because he was percieved to be poaching the railroad's fish!

The infamous railroad baron "Tangerine Jack" countered the protests with a thinly veiled threat to resort to medium range munitions to enforce the railroad's absolute soverignity over it's right of way, by blowing trespassers to oblivion!

Local law enforcement is bracing for mass protests which are sure to follow!

[tangerine-jack]

To Captain Bob Johnson, retired:

Sir,

What can I say; I had to hire them- Teamster's Union. I can, however, assure you that these professionals work with the highest consideration to the International Red Cross guidelines for Human Rights and went through extensive background checks before hiring, in other words they showed me union cards. Furthermore the bit about the dynamite was grossly over exaggerated by irresponsible Enews reporters and beside, that building was condemned anyway.

Protecting one's business interest is a right not to be taken lightly. Did anyone even consider the fact that John P. Railfan was breaking the law by trespassing on private property when he was escorted off the right of way? I'm sure the alleged "rough handling" Mr. Railfan perceived was miniscule compared to the damage he would have received if he were to have been hit by a train while engaging in his unsafe acts. Those "Goon Squads" as you have so described them, probably saved Mr. Railfan's life and should be thanked for the quick and decisive action in protecting the public. The incident with Mr. Piccolo Pete was fully explained earlier, and is considered a closed matter, if it opens again we cannot be held responsible for what happens to any party involved.

In regard to any protests, the Dixie D SL is a staunch supporter of the First Amendment rights of every American to display their unemployed status by having the time to protest something. The rest of us will be productively engaged in making a living by our own hard work and will have to see the protest on the evening news.

Best Regards,

Tangerine-Jack
Owner/ Operator
Megalomaniac
Dixie-D SL

[Anonymous]

my train foreman said to me he has to put on his hipboots, thing are getting a little deep around the train station here and it's not snow, he said the cattle cars we are halling are starting to over flow. ben

[Capt Bob Johnson]

DIXIE D SLRR MANAGEMENT STONEWALLING CAUSES MASS PROTESTS
Local companies distancing themselves from railroad.

"Local law enforcement was hard pressed to maintain peace." said Chief Michelle about the protesting masses preparing to storm the Dixie D SLRR offices yesterday.

T. Sharp Splinter of Splinter Lumber Co. said that his firm has suspended having products delivered to them by rail because they want Dixie D to feel the damage in its pockets, and "Tangerine Jack's" hoodlums even prevented Splinter Lumber employees from unloading a railcar while saying that that was a union job!

Harvey Milk of Milk's Dairy says he'll not provide any more revenue to the railroad and has purchased a fleet of long haul trucks with tank and reefer trailers to fill his transportation needs. We understand that some of Mr. Jack's security people have applied for driving jobs.

Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co. has announced that in support of those protesting the railroad's roughshod manner, it will now begin utilizing an all water route to get it's materials.

Mr. Hy X. Test averred that his fuel supply firm abhors the treatment those nasty folk devolved upon innocent bystanders, therefore they will be handling product receipt by barge and tankership!

Hugh G. Moneybags, President of the local bank and a silent (?) partner in the Dixie D notes that these losses of revenue generating traffic could be very harmful to the wellbeing of the service, and is beginning to wonder if he should sell his share of the railroad!

The Gazette's roving reporter interviewed Miss Laura who said "That big boy in the blue plaid shirt is kinda cute, can you introduce us?"

Mr. Jack said "Keep that girl away from my employees!!!"

Word on the street has it that there will be more protests and demonstrations, so keep reading the Gazette for the latest information.

[tangerine-jack]

.LATEST OFF THE WIRE!!!

FLASH!

Captain Bob Johnson, retired, narrowly escapes mysterious fire that ravaged his home. Capt Johnson was just returning from the doctor after having his Apathy adjusted to see his home engulfed in flames. Local residents were strangely unwilling to speak to fire investigators or local police about the incident, or give any information about the unmarked black sedan seen in the area just prior to the incident.

The fire is believed to have been started by products manufactured by Mr. Hy X. Test, a local fuel oil distributor. Investigators have discovered a link between Capt Johnson and Mr. Test involving a common insurance carrier. Arson is suspect, and Mr. Test is being held at the Sussex correction center for further questioning. Capt. Johnson’s home was found to have been built with lumber from Splinter Lumber Co, a local lumber yard owned by T. Sharp Lumber, itself being investigated for adding chemicals to the lumber to make it more flammable.

Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co, owned by the Dixie D Short Line Railroad of Virginia Beach, VA has graciously offered to donate concrete and cement products to the rebuilding of Capt. Johnson’s home. Mr. Aggri Gate of Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co has denied any rumors that it has stopped doing business with the Dixie D SL in light of recent irresponsible press to the contrary. “Nonsense!” Mr. Gate is quoted as saying.

Tangerine-Jack, the dashing and flamboyant entrepreneur of the Dixie D SL, dismissed any notion of financial harm being done to the railroad due to recent protest. “Nonsense!” Mr. Jack is quoted as saying. “Pay your insurance up and these things won't happen” was all Mr. Jack had to comment on about the recent fire at Capt. Johnson’s.



>>>>>>>>>>OFF THE WIRE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

6 Guernsey cows owned by Mr. Harvey Milk of Milk's Dairy disappeared last night under mysterious circumstances. “My wife will kill me if’n I don’t get dem cows back” Mr. Milk said. Local residents are stirring up rumors of alien abduction, but as yet no substantial evidence has been found.

>>>>>>>>>>OFF THE WIRE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[Tom The Brat]

hehe Sounds like you're poking fun at "Arm & Hammer." The company was started by a man named Armond Hammer, and he named the company for a common mispronounciation of his name. He's said to have had a sense of humor.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Don't know if the old boy was in the Soda Powder business, but he was the big mahaf in Occidental Petroleum. Even had ships that took grain over to Russian Black Sea ports and brought Russian crude oil back! Had a couple of those big integrated tug-barges in that trade also, lost a tug in bad weather with all hands, but the barge was found and later sold and converted into some other sort of barge. He got a bunch of government awards for helping to open up the Russian Market for US products! Smart enough fella to make a ton of money, so he was smarter than I'll ever be; thus nobody to poke fun at!

[Capt Bob Johnson]

RAILROAD SECURITY PROTESTS GETTING UGLY
Mr. Jack purchases every freezer in stores!


Despite the very heated air pronouncements of Mr. Tangerine Jack of the Dixie D SLRR, it is known fact that he is carrying fewer revenue cargos these days.

Last evening Float-by-night Towing Company's oar and sail assisted tug "El Cheepo" was seen berthing a stone barge that had "Cement Shoes Concrete" painted on its side at the harborside property occupied by Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Co., thus showing that Mr. Aggri Gate's word is worthless on either side of the argument!

Late yesterday afternoon Mr. Jack was driving around town in a dung splattered truck purchasing every freezer that he could find, We suspect that Mr. Harvey Milk will never get dem cows back and shortly Mr. Mort U Ary will be providing services as the widow Milk carries on the dairy business. We Understand that at a "nominal" fee, Mr. Jack will provide the widow with the fixin's for a Beef and Dumpling dinner after the burial!

The newswires have provided information that the N&M RR in Southern Texas and the Roundtuit & Faraway on the Delmarva Peninsula have recinded interchange agreements with the Dixie D. Management of the R&F have gone so far as to remove the interchange trackage & turnout, and applied to regulators to abandon ten feet of ROW at its border with Dixie D trackage! "This has got to be hurtin' them in the pocket!" said the Capt. He continued "Jack has got to come to his senses and stop these strongarm tactics before he goes broke and gets shipped off overseas."

The Capt. also states that his home was not destroyed by fire, it was one down the street; and he's smarter than to buy lumber from a firm located some 144 miles away when he can get it much cheaper at a lumberyard near him which has already paid his exhorbatant prices to bring in lumber and besides, Mr. Splinter does not contribute to the earnings of the Roundtuit& Faraway!

The Flying Capt. was airborne at the time we called him for comment, and his open cockpit biplane is not equipped with any communication devices other than a pencil, paper, some string and a wrench for downloading messages. The only way to upload a message to him is with an anti aircraft gun which only says "Get the heck out of here!" and cannot convey our question to him.

Chief Michelle says "This stuff is worse than having a baby!"

Miss Laura and that boy in the blue plaid shirt have been busily trying to negotiate a settlement, and it is our understanding that if Mr. Jack were to dismiss this new security force and return the old one to security duty rather than cleaning station restrooms, all the other parties who are involved would be willing to kiss and make up; except for Mr. Milk who, unfortunately, will very soon be making the same ultimate sacrifice as his cows!

The saga continues!

[John Busby]

Hi guys
Better sort it out
I hear rumours of cavalry heading that way to restore calm and they are not happy about being asked to leave their nice comfortable fort with warm beds.
And since they wear blue are not likely to be well recieved by the locals if they start waving them big knives about
regards John

[Capt Bob Johnson]

IS GOVERNMENT INTERVENING IN SECURITY SQUABBLE?
T. Jack obstinate in refusal to modify practice.

It is reported that a number of persons inclunding Picillo Pete, Mr. John P. Railfan, Hy Test, T. Sharp Splinter, and Hugh G Moneybags have filed a class action suit against the Dixie D. SLRR, Mr. Tangerine Jack, Mr. Vinny Neanderthal (Head of DDSLRR Security), and anybody else in sight that is connected with the railroad, seeking compensatory and punitive damages due to injury by the Security force of the Dixie D.

Mr. Moneybags was infuriated when a brick wrapped in a threatening letter was thrown through the bank's huge Plate Glass Window. He said "Heck, I own a good piece of the railroad and they are even targeting me!"

Mr. Pete reiterates that he was not poaching the railroad's fish and the proof of the pudding is in the empty creel in his possession at the time of the incident, even though the hook on the end of his line may have been baited and in the water!

John P Railfan refutes the adversion that he was trespassing on railroad property to take those photos when he was plainly seen by many to be in the belfry of the Church located 500 feet from the fence around the railyard and using a telephoto lens on his camera!

Word has it that after the court dismisses the murder charges against Mrs. Milk she is going to marry her High School Sweetheart, Mr. Jack!

Upon his release from the Sussex Correctional Facility Mr. Hy Test made a public statement that "That demented Jack framed me, so I'm cutting off sales of fuel to the Dixie D; and I'll do my best to have him blackballed in my industry!"

Intervention by the U.S. Cavalry would indeed be an unwise move on the part of the government due to Mr. Jack's over 20 years of service in the Army. This media outlet feels that the Troopers could not be evenhanded in this situation, see upcoming editorial on the subject!

At a meeting of the Railroad Operator's Society held in Magnolia, DE yesterday President Flatbottom of the D&RGW stated "Jack really needs to ease up on this, at least til the smoke clears; he's giving all of us a bad name, even though we'd do the same." At that same meeting, the Floating Capt. remarked that while he may be dumb, he's not stupid; and behavior such as Jack's can only be harmful to the industry as a whole, therefore he's doing everything he can to distance himself from the Dixie D.

If the cavalry is really dispatched, perhaps Miss Laura's infatuation with that blue shirted boy will diminish when she sees those Troopers, and that would please Mr. Jack mightily because the boy is very distracted from his duties!

[tangerine-jack]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>FLASH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Dixie D SL, Virginia Beach, VA announces the buyout of the Roundtuit and Faraway RR of Georgetown, DE. Mr. Tangerine-Jack, owner of the Dixie D, had this to say about the purchase: "We normally don't involve ourselves in such trifling small operations such as the Roundtuit and Faraway, but in this case I feel we can recover our cost in the scrap metal value of the equipment, and sell the prime real-estate to overseas developers”. Work crews are expected to start dismantling the railroad immediately. Captain Bob Johnson, former owner of the RT&F, was unavailable for comment, but is believed to have taken the money and moved to Jamaica. Capt. Johnson was quoted last year in the Two Trees Times as having said “The RT&F never made me a d$%#n dime! I’d sell that run down junk heap it the first chance I get”.

It was also announced that the Splinter Lumber Co. and Milk's Dairy farm would be included in the final bid. Rumor has it that the current owners of said establishments would be kept on as senior business managers for day to day operations.

In other news, Mr. Hy X. Test, local fuel oil distributor for the Delmarva Peninsula passed away last night from “natural causes”. “Poor old dear’s heart just gave out” quoted Ms. Tighti White, head nurse of St. Smithen’s Medical Facility of Dover. Funeral will be held on Friday at one o’clock and followed by a beef BBQ dinner sponsored by the Dixie D Railroad. Expected to attend are such digintaries as the Emperor of the Eastern Shore, Vinny "Da Kneecap" Testosterone, Mr. Piccolo Pete, and some guy named Eddie.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

From the privately owned resort on the island of Jamaica which is a subsidiary of the Roundtuit & Faraway, Capt Johnson passes along a message to Mr. Tangerine Jack, immediate past owner of the Dixie D.

"Read the very fine print at the bottom of the page, right by your signature, you turkey!" Yes, the Dixie D bought out the RT&F, but the currency you used to do that was 99.99% of your stock. Now by the time you pay off Hugh G. Moneybags for the shares you sold off without his permission and a bonus to keep him from sending you to the hoosegow, You Broke Boy!

Just in case you don't understand what that means I'll say it in plain easy to understand Redneck! "Youall is fard! Git yo carcass offen my railroad fore I sics the dawgs on yer!" You lost the war and now you lost yer railroad!

I might also caution you to watch your behind because that Ugly Mrs. Milk whom you knew as Shelly-Sue back in grade school has announced that she's a gonna marry up wit you now that Harvey's outta the way!

Nuff Said?

[tangerine-jack]

Ay yai yai!!!! The BS is too deep in here, you win Bob- I'm coming up for air now[#wstupid][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Piccolo Pete Perch Palace Perishes in Phenomenal Blaze
Rosebud Falls (20 Feb. 1906)
On The GRAPEvine today:


Mrs. Piana Pete, Chef and Chief of Piccolo Pete's Perch Palace pleaded with Mr. Tangerine Jack, owner of the Dixie D. RR to spare her husbands life as her restaurant fell to earth in a pile of embers. She claimed that her husband was only fishing in public waters when he was so violently attacked by the hooligans from the DDRR.
Fire Chief Orange-Jack (a distant blood relative to the above mentioned RR Mogul) stated in a hastily called press release that the fire was a result of embers floating over fifty feet from the Perch Palace's remote cook house to the eatin' house. Chief Jack said that further investigation would be required before issuing any citation for an unregistered burn.
Col. Peter P. Pete, Commander of the Colorado 5th Cavalry, stationed in Colorado Springs, said he had asked for authority from the US President to put down this Railroad War. "This Railroad war has cost hundreds of thousands in lost revenue and interstate shipping taxes." As of press time the President had not yet answered the request to put down the unlawful railroad activities.

[ttrigg]

[}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)]
Aw shuck, T-J quit, just when it was getting to be fun
[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[tangerine-jack]

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>FLASH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Late breaking news:

The world is stunned tonight as Captain Bob Johnson AKA “The Fat Man” was taken into custody at Rome International Airport today along with Tom “Ttrigg” Trigg in an FBI and Interpol sting operation while attempting to smuggle Chinese made LGB knock-offs into Europe. The crime ring is centered on an international smuggling operation carried out by Capt Bob and financed by money laundered by the mob front newspaper “Rosebud Falls Gazette”.

Investigators have been tracking the two criminals for several months while amassing huge amounts of incriminating evidence. “These two psychopaths laundered money through the newspaper to finance the tug boat smuggling of cheap Chinese toy trains into Europe and the Antipodes. They have caused untold suffering to countless children by the poor quality junk passed off as first class German engineering. Their heartless actions have even caused a gentleman in Australia to experience problems with LGB” Quoted a government source who did not want to be named because he is not authorized to speak to the press.


Captain Bob Johnson aka: “The Fat Man” being taken into custody at the airport after a brief struggle


Tom “Ttrigg” Trigg captured after a running squirt gun battle with Italian Special Police. “I’d have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids” was all Trigg had to say.


Both are being held at an undisclosed super secret CIA facility at 125 W. Peacock Rd, Dakopolis, Cyprus, Tel [phone], room 4A while awaiting an international crime tribunal to be formed. Bail has not been set at this time.

Protests sprang up in 18 Arab countries when the news of the arrest was made public. “We don’t even know who these people are or what a train is, but we are protesting anyway!” Said Hamil-Ghassan Amir Ibn-al Hassn Bin-Sober, a student of Teheran University while burning a British flag. “Down with George Bush!” Chanted an angry mob outside the Guatemalan embassy in Cairo. More protests are expected in the next few days while peacemakers scramble to control the situation. “It’s all George Bush’s fault” said Whinny Treehugger, leader of the Cleveland based organization “We Protest Anything”.

More updates will be posted as information continues to come in.....................

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Daring Daylight Disappearance of Desperado Duo
Rosebud Falls (20 Feb. 1906)
On The GRAPEvine today:


Dressed as American football players, two jailbirds befuddle Cypriot Police in daring daylight escape. Trigg & Johnson were quoted as saying that the Cypriot Police were just an extension of the hoodlums working for T-Jack, and that they would not be able to identify them dressed as American Football Players.

Tangerine-Jack, CEO of the Dixie D Suckers Line, wearing a red and white striped shirt, was seen in the company of both The Chief of Inspectors and Chief of Detectives of the Dakopolis, Cyprus, Police Detachment. Both chiefs could not comprehend the fact that someone had escaped from their jail. They could not even understand why someone would want to escape from their jail.

File Photo of Cypriot Police Central Jail
Traveling as Crusading Knights of the Realm,

the dynamic duo was last seen passing through several Mid-Eastern countries on their way to Egypt to catch an aircraft back home. Johnson was heard to say "in these medieval costumes we blend into the background and even the natives cannot identify us."

[Capt Bob Johnson]

NEW LANDBRIDGE SERVICE ANNOUNCED

While completing a meandering trade mission throughout the Old World, Mr. ttrigg of the D&RGW and Capt. Johnson of the RT&F announce that the railroads have joined in an operational agreement to provide a landbridge operation connecting the Atlantic and Pacific Shores.

The RT&F's recent takeover of the Dixie D and it's access to the Virginia Ports was instrumental in this accomplishment! The Fat Capt. said "We gave him enough rope, and playing right into our hands, he did the obvious!"

Mr. Tangerine Jack, Ex CEO of the Dixie D was chased and caught by Shelly Sue (Milk) Jack; and is now fully occupied milking the cows morning and night whilst under her supervision!

Miss Laura (who is Mr. Jack's step-daughter) lost her attraction to that big boy in the blue shirt when the new management took over the Dixie D and the boy and his goon squad compatriots were fired and sent back to NY!

NEWS FLASH !!!

Mr. Angelo T. Kneecap has been named Chief of Security for the newly almagamated RT&F and Dixie D SL railroad operation which forms the Eastern portion of the new landbridge service.

[tangerine-jack]

Late Breaking News:

Captain Bob Johnson, after a daring daylight escape from the Island fortress of Cyprus, returned to his home in Delaware to find that his financial empire collapsed in his absence. Creditors, nervous about massive stock transactions from the RT&F, called in all debts for immediate payment. Capt Bob, financially stretched already, lost everything. “Oh well” was all Capt Bob had to say.


Capt Bob’s new home under the 5th street bridge



Meanwhile, from his tropical island paradise, Mr Tangerine-Jack, formerly of the Dixie D SL of Va Beach, pardoned Capt Bob of any debts are wrongdoings against his empire. “Poor guy has suffered enough.” Said Mr. Jack “I’ll have a talk with the police and see if we can drop the smuggling charges, although given his current situation, he might want to go to jail just so he can get something to eat.”

Undated file photo, Tangerine-Jack of the Dixie D SL



Meanwhile, Interpol has put out a worldwide alert on Tom “Ttrigg” Trigg, still at large and believed to be trying to make contact with Captain “Stick and Rudder” Carrales somewhere in Disney World, Orlando. “We’ll get these bad people” said Major Namtab of the Pakistani police “Yes, these very bad people will not get away with that kind of behavior” However, employees of the RT&F had a different story to tell “We are very happy to be on our railroad again. During the last few days, the Pakistani authorities would not leave us in peace. One policeman told me, 'This is the last season of you. We will make the most of you.' They would always ask us for our ID cards, and most of us didn't have cards. My nephew had to go to jail for three days and paid $50 to get out. When he was in jail, he said that it was full of clowns. We don't care how difficult it is here, at least it is our state and we are free. We are happy to be here."


Pakistani police detain an employee of the RT&F for questioning

[Capt Bob Johnson]

"That Tangerine Jack is really stretching it!" said Capt. Johnson from his home in Slower Lower Delaware.

"My home never did, and never will have a mortgage on it; therefore, I'll not be left homeless and have to live under any bridge!

"The itinerary of our trade mission never went to Pakistan, or even Afganistan, cause I'm too slow of foot to outrun bullets." was another statement he made in a recent interview.

He closed by stating that "I don't know where Jack gets these silly ideas about me having creditors because I'm smart enough to know that you can buy things a lot cheaper when you pay in non-reportable, low denomonation, difficult to trace cash!"

At a concurrent interview Mr. ttrigg was heard to "wonder if that simple Jack had gotten lessons in operating a computer that was equipped with a photo editing program, thus the obviously altered pictures that Jack is flogging these days!" "Phony Photos Purport Preposterous Positions" was the headline in the Rosebud Falls Gazette

Oh, yes; Jack's island paradise is called "Isolation Island" and can be seen on the Surviving Panama Show where he's trying to win a grubstake so he can start anew in another location.

[tangerine-jack]

LATE BREAKING NEWS!!!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>FLASH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In a startling development in the RT&F/ DDSL railroad war, a merger has been announced between Captain Bob “The Fat Man” Johnson and Tangerine-Jack, respective owners of the railroads involved. This merger rivals the Time-Warner/ Disney deal by at least one billion dollars. "Incredible" said Hugh G. Moneybags "now I wish I didn't quit working for the Dixie D"

“Ok, I’m over it” Said Tangerine-Jack when asked to what his motivations were for the sudden change of heart. “Fat Man isn’t really such a bad sort; I think he has a lot of potential in the muscle market, besides, his wife makes a mean sandwich”

“T-J got a good point, working together we could easily corner the transportation market on the entire Eastern half of the US and Canada.” Stated Captain Bob earlier today.

Still missing in action is Tom “Ttrigg” Trigg, last seen in Argentina riding a donkey. Authorities are seeking the newspaper mogul in connection with a money laundering scam, but now they don’t believe the charges will stick. “What the Hey, he’s only trying to make a buck” commented Chief Inspector Giotti Gettem of the French Foreign Legion.


Capt Johnson (left) shakes hands with Tangerine-Jack after sealing the largest railroad merger deal in history

In a combined statement, the railroad tycoons said this: “We love railroading, but it is only a means to make money. By merging our empires we become the most powerful economic force on the planet. Besides, if there is one thing we hate more than a railroad war is a bunch of hippie protestors, so we are offering them real work on our railroad to get them off the streets”

undated file photo, "we protest anything"


Ms. Whinny Treehugger of the Cleveland based protest group “We Protest Anything” responded with a statement: “we will not work for anybody, that would mean we would get our hands dirty and we protest that along with any company that actually makes money and employs people.”



Predictably, riots sprang up across a large swath of the Middle East protesting the merger leaving scores wounded and one unconfirmed death. “What is money?” asked Hasnt Bin-Hiding during an anit-merger protest in UAE. “Down with George Bush and the merger!” shouted protesters after burning police cars in Saudi Arabia, some carrying signs calling for an Israeli pull out of Antarctica.

Still being sought by the Interpol, the Dixie D and now the RT&F is Captain “Stick and Rudder” Carrales, now owing both railroads a lot of money and a new edition of his rag.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

The Capt. said that the only thing I can add to Tangerine Jack's statement is that if Wally-Art and Exil Oil think they are big, they better get a head start riding thier flying horse or something , cause we control thier transportation!

Vinny Testosterone and Angelo Kneecap will be very busy in the coming days!

Whilst we have a working agreement with President Flatbottom of the D&RGW, his Chairman of the Board, Mr. Ttrigg had best be cognizant of the working agreement a certain person had with a Mr. Stalin some years ago!

We might also consider running a spur down into Coastal Texas, our highly skilled labor force does like to take care packages home when they go down for the Holidays!

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Rosebud Falls Scenic Railways Begins Expansion
Rosebud Falls (22 Feb. 1906)
On The GRAPEvine today:

At a press conference today, Mr. Douglas Flatbottom, President and CEO of Rosebud Falls Scenic Railways announced the company's planed beginning of the expansion out to Green Apple Orchard. "With the passing of this most recent storms and the general drying conditions of the right of way between Rosebud Falls and Green Apple Orchard, we anticipate the beginning of the long awaited expansion to Green Apple Orchard to begin this Friday morning. Crews have been hired, and properly trained on the safety requirements of this job." Mr. Flatbottom assured the press that "there will never again be an accident like the one we all suffered from this past summer when the giant tomato tree fell killing an entire rail gang and one civilian." Unnamed sources within the RbFSRy confirmed that all of the newly hired rail gang personnel had received over seventy two hours work related safety training. The remaining rail gangs with previous work experience attended a required forty hour safety refresher course.

"Our company", said Flatbottom "has begun to require at least twice the safety related training that is required by the Colorado Department of Mines and Railroads. All three of our safety instructors were until recently working as 'senior' inspectors with the CDMR."

Flatbottom continued "All necessary tools, materials and adult beverage refreshments are in place and construction time should be about three weeks, well inside the time requirements as handed down by the local Land Management Board President." When asked if adult beverages and laying of new rails could be a safety concern for the track gangs, Mr. Flatbottom quickly and quietly left the room. As of press time this reporter could not get a response from any source within RbFSRy as to the exact nature of the refreshments. However, sources on the Times of Two Trees TX. Confirm that there is a rather long consist of cars on a siding there with destination marks for Rosebud Falls. Though the cargo is concealed inside locked boxcars, Black Kettel Pete, a Texas Hobo, confirmed that he has tasted no better beer in all the world than that which is leaking from each of the boxcars.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Boy, I'll bet the Inspectors will be very busy ensuring that the newly laid trackage is within guage tolerances; especially that which has been laid near the end of the working day when a bunch of those cooling beveridges have been consumed.

They had best pay attention to grade also as tipsy bulldozer operators don't care if it's 1% or 10% grade as long as its clear and they can drive the bulldozer back to the cooler to get another cold one!

This could be a ride to rival a roller coaster!