Rosebud Falls Gazette Volume 1

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Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published Weekly by Acme Enterprises


House Moving
Rosebud Falls (16 Sept. 1905) On The Grapevine today:
D&RGW President Douglas Flatbottom and his wife Claire have filled paperwork with both the Land use Commission and the Cites of Rosebud Falls, CO. and Two Trees, TX. For the necessary permits to move a house. Mr. Flatbottom was heard to say that since the Norma & Micaela Railroad is a twice weekly operation he needed to move out of that backwater town, and closer to the thriving metropolis of Rosebud Falls, and the main operations station of the D&RGW.

After investigation this reporter was able to find out that the Flatbottoms were intending to move a two story house. We believe it to be their current mansion in Two Trees Texas. Acme House and Barn Transports confirms that they have placed the winning bid to relocate the Flatbottom residence. Acme Jones (proprietor of A. H. B. Transports) said he believed the house would have to be moved in two different trips. Due to real-estate restrictions at the new location Mr. Jones stated that the back half of the house would have to be positioned on the proposed new homestead first and then the front of the house at a later date. Mr. & Mrs. Flatbottom hope to make their new home just outside the city of Rosebud Falls. Mrs. Flatbottom has been heard to comment on how beautiful the scenery is out in Rosebud Flats, and the view of the Falls from there. "Such a relief after the nothingness of Texas."

In response to being asked the question "What was it like living in Texas?" Mrs. Flatbottom went into livid detail about the great gila monster attack of last December. She claims that some thirty or forty children were eaten by the gila monsters. As she was escorted off the porch of the Gazette, she was heard to mumble things like, "nothing but heat, rock and lizards. More heat, rocks and snakes. Cowboys, filthy dirty little cowboys." Mr. Flatbottom said that Mrs. Flatbottoms brains had been fried while living in the hot spot of Texas. He believes that as she acclimates to the cooler and more gentile climate of Colorado, Mrs. Flatbottom will once again become her sweet and normal self.

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Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published Weekly by Acme Enterprises

Society Pages On The Grapevine today
Rosa Budly, Society Editor, Rosebud Falls Gazette
Mrs. Claie Flatbottom has announced her intentions of hosting an open house to all residents of Rosebud Falls and Rosebud Flats, once her house has been relocated from that "God forsaken place of festering heat called Two Trees Texas". Mrs. Flatbottom has commented that it should really be called One Tree Texas as one of the trees died over a hundred years ago. She is so looking forward to the move since our three times daily service brings in the freshest produce and ample variations of meat products. Mrs. Flatbottom claimed that the menu of Two Trees was beef, beef, beef, beef, rocky mountain oysters, beef, beef, followed by more beef. She has said that she would almost be willing to give her first born for a good cut of Mutton, and Brussel Sprouts followed by a desert dish of peaches and cream.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

If we can figure out the interconnection between the Roundtuit & Faraway and the D&RGW, perhaps we could arrange a shipment of fresh sea boogers (Oysters) to be served at Mrs. Flatbottom's open house. We have several shucking plants that use the RT&F moving both product and shells. Located here in the Mid - Atlantic Seaboard we do have access to all manner of seafood.

While we are not seafood brokers, the Fat Capt., who retired from the seagoing life and founded the RT&F to be able to spend more time with his bride would be pleased to foreward such a shipment to his compatriot Pres. Flatbottom.

We figure that such a delightful surprise might cure Mrs. Flatbottom's nightly headache, and provide some much needed relief to the overworked Mr. Flatbottom!

[Anonymous]

Letter to the Editor
Texas Railroader Upset

Greetings,

My name is Cornelius "Jimmy" Sanderson, shop foreman in Norma, Texas for the Norma & Micaela Railroad. While I have great respect for the Flatbottoms and will be sorry to see them go, I would like to take this time to say that I think your paper's treatment of the Micaela Valley and Texas is an abomination.

I have lived in this area since my Dad worked for the Two Trees Tramline and I find it to be a rather nice place to live. I understand, and was told by Mr. Flatbottom, that his move was in order to be closer to the operations of his rail line.

Your newspaper reporters need to check their facts before they deface my beloved town.

Sincerly,

C. Jimmy Sanderson
122 E. Van Matre St.
Two Trees, (God Bless...) Texas

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Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published Weekly by Acme Enterprises

Two Trees Station Blaze

Two Trees TX. On The Grapevine today
Fire struck the THE NORMA & MICAELA RAILROAD Station in Two Trees TX. late last night. As the daylight hours arrived this morning little was left of the masterpiece of Rube Goldberging Enterprise. Cornelius "Jimmy" Sanderson, shop foreman told us that he believed that Mutt and Jeff were shaking down the firebox of old Number 5 to get all of the ashes out.

It is believed that Ms. Minie Sevenmugs was serving beer to nearby patrons and the two Engineers were paying more attention to Ms. Sevenmugs than to their task at hand. As the fire blazed through the old station Engineers Mutt and Jeff disappeared. Shortly before dawn this morning Ms. Sevenmugs was found to be missing.

Even before the embers were cold at the old station, the citizens of Two Trees had already started construction of a new station near the location of the old station. The citizens of Two Trees had completed their new station just prior to the noon arrival Number 14 pulling the MOW clear of the mainline for the Wednesday afternoon freight from Micaela.

Sheriff Eywana Star (Cousin to our local sheriff) has placed an all points bulletin listing the three individuals as "persons of interest". Sheriff Star cannot confirm that these are the people who started the fire, just that they were seen in the area working with hot coals just prior to the fire,

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Hey! That's those two guys I refused to hire here on the Roundtuit & Faraway after I heard that they had been run off some tugboat down in the Carolinas! We got to get together guys, I guess they left here and went to Texas, and after bumbling things there they went on into the South and got hired on some other railroad as crew for a climax. I guess it'll be the climax of that railroad. We got to get a blackball list going on these characters!

Fatcapt, Pres. R & F

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Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published Weekly by Acme Enterprises

Rosebud Falls; On The Grapevine today
It is with great trepidation that The Rosebud Falls Gazette regretfully announces that a storm of major import is heading in the general direction of our friends and relatives living in Two Trees TX.



To our Railroad Brethren on The Norma & Micaela Railroad and to Mr. R. E. Porter (owner/manager Two Trees Times) and the fine reporting staff of the Two Trees Times we extend our heartfelt desires that the said storm Hurricane Rita shall have expended all her energies before reaching the City of Two Trees.

[Anonymous]

Letter to the Editor
Thanks Extended to Citizens of Rosebud Falls

Howdy,

My name is Sam Rodriguez, Conductor of the Garden Flyer for the Norma & Micaela Railroad. I have been a citizen of Two Trees, Texas since my daddy first moved here in the late 1940s, saddly, we are being threatened by destruction from the Sea.

I would like to extend my thanks to the editors and staff of the Rosebud Falls Gazette for their good wishes. While it is believed that the storm will hit a bit North of the Micaela Valley, let us not forget the trainmen and their families that lay there northerly.

Sincerly,

Sam Rodriguez
Deputy Grand Knight
Knights of Columbus Post #783750
221 Old Stone Road
Two Trees, Texas

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Owner of Round Tuit and Faraway places
Humanitarian effort before social endeavors

The Fat Capt., owner of the RT&F has notified all hands to discontinue the attempt to ship “sea boogers” thru interconnections to the D&RGW and exert all effort in finding ways to ship relief supplies to the Texas Gulf Coast as Hurricane Rita bears down on that area.

Hope and prayers for those inhabiting the effected area are extended by the entire staff of the RT&F, and rest assured that we will do all possible to ease any pain brought on by this turn of events.

While Mrs. Flatbottom will indeed be distressed because she won’t be able to serve fresh oysters (sea) at her open house, she can take heart that her inconvenience will enable those in the areas served by the N&M to eat, drink, and wrap up in a blanket at night!

Capt. Carrales, and Mr. Loeffler (of Corpus Christi whom the Fat Capt. Attended school with from K – 12) can only hope that this effort by the RT&F is indeed an exercise in futility.

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published Weekly by Acme Enterprises

Open House Party

Rosebud Falls (25 Sept. 1905) On The Grapevine today:
Rosa Budly, Society Editor, Rosebud Falls Gazette

Mrs. Claie Flatbottom held her much awaited and highly anticipated open house yesterday. Everyone from both communities of Rosebud Falls and Rosebud Flats were in attendance at the society gala event of the year. The meat menu included twelve cuts of beef, sixteen cuts of pork, and eleven cuts of mutton, as well as bite sized chicken strips. Lamenting the recent foul weather on the Gulf Coast, Mr. Flatbottom apologized for not having the much anticipated fresh Atlantic Seafoods, as all rail traffic of the Round Tuit and Faraway Railway has been diverted to assist in the delivery of much needed supplies and aid personnel to the Gulf Coast area thus precluding the shippment of the seafood.



Mrs. Flatbottom introduced those in attendance to a new form of "bread". This round almost paper thin flour and corn "bread" easily folds to form a half round sandwich. Mr. Flatbottom referred to this new bread as a tortilla, and explained that it is a bread staple of the Mexican national N&MRR track crews in Two Trees TX.

Deserts served at the festivities included candied cactus pears, fried Washington Red Delicious apple squares, peach cobbler, apple and cherry pies, and a favorite of Ms. Bonbon (land use commissioner) rhubarb pie, while consuming extra portions of the pie Ms. Bonbon was heard to say, "this is the best strawberry pie I've ever had." After Mr. Flatbottom corrected Ms. Bonbon that it was not strawberry but rather rhubarb she was seen running in the direction of the "little house out back"

After the stroke of sic o'clock p.m. Mr. Flatbottom invited all adult male guests to the smoking parlor where he provided all with some of the finest Cuban cigars and French cognac. Both smokes and beverages flowed freely and many required "special assistance" for their trip home later that evening. While the men were occupied in the parlor the ladies in attendance retired to the substantial kitchen for tea and cookies. All in attendance said that this was the biggest and best party ever held in the Roasebud Flats area.