Dear Tech Support,Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do?Signed, DesperateDear Desperate,First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.Good Luck,Tech Support
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Dear Tech Support:Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!Thanks,Troubled UserDear Troubled User:This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!Best of luck,Tech Support
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
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Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
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Molecule 1: I just lost an electron. Molecule 2: Are you sure? Molecule 1: I’m positive.
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Do you want to know how often I say element jokes? Periodically.
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."
The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"
The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away, and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been to together."
The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"
The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
This is a story about the great violinist, Sergio Knockety.
Mr. Knockety was quite a snob about his music. He insisted that everything be done "his way" and in "his time". And he insisted that he would only play opera music. He was so obsessed by opera that he was nicknamed, "Opera" by the press and his (not quite) peers.
He was invited to play with a large European orchestra, and accepted the invitation on the provisio that they would only play pieces from great operas.
On the night of the event, he was the first to arrive and was quite agitated that the others were late. They also were spending too much time chatting with each other, but since he did not speak the language there, he was left out of all the visiting.
He became more and more agitated as the time to began drew near; everybody was still joking and laughing. He incensed with the waste of time, so he hit upon the idea of going to the piano and striking the key to begin the tuning process.
He hit the key and nobody paid any attention. He struck the key harder, but it did no good. So, he struck the key many times as hard as he could. No one paid any attention to him, so he raised his violin to his shoulder and began to tune it up to match the tone from the piano.
He then returned to his chair, fuming that no one else was getting their instruments ready.
Finally, the members of the orchestra settled down, the pianist struck the key, and everybody started tuning their instruments.
Everybody except, Opera, that is!
The violinst sitting next to Opera, leaned over and asked in broken English, "Why you no tune your violin with us?"
Mr. Knockety looked at him in disgust and said,
"Everybody know that Opera Knockety only tunes once!"
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
Balt:
No brain, no effect.
RIP June Foray voice actor and voice of Rocky and Natasha among hundreds of other characters.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/27/arts/television/june-foray-prolific-voice-of-rocky-the-flying-squirrel-dies-at-99.html
Story is not a comment on today, but who would've guessed that over 50 years ago -
Never too old to have a happy childhood!
Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."
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Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? A: Big hands.
A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" The husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"---------------------------------------------------------------------Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.
A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.” “That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse then tells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!” “That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
The nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." “That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”
A man dies, goes to Heaven, and sees St. Peter. There are many clocks surrounding him so the man asks, "What are these clocks for?"
St. Peter replies, "These are lie clocks, they tick once for every lie you tell on Earth. Here we have Mother Teresa's clock. She has never lied so the clock has not moved. Honest Abe has only lied twice in his life, so it has only ticked twice."
The man then asks, "So where is Donald Trump's clock?"
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that is in Jesus' office, he is using it as a ceiling fan!"
clicked the button twice lol
On a business marquee here in town: "Khakis- what you need to start the cah in Bahstan."
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
Pahk the cah in Hahvahd yahd and we'll go to the bah whea they got quata beahs. Then we'll go to the Gahden and watch Bobby Aw and the Broons.
whoops
Unlike "Nawlins," the "ahs" mostly come from the Rs. Hence "Go to Bahstahn and pahk the cah in the grahj..."
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Namsha?
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
True story -
The phone company (and probably others) had a terrible time with voice recognition "Down East" due to the pronounciation of some of some numbers. Four, for instance, is pronounced "foh-ah" by a true Mainer. Five becomes "fie-uv."
I never did pick up a copy of "How to Speak New Hampshah" when visiting there with my ex, who grew up in the area...
Aah, he just wanted to be sure you heard him.
Johnny
Maine_Central_guy a true Mainer can cuss and swear for 20 minutes and not us ethe same word twice
a true Mainer can cuss and swear for 20 minutes and not us ethe same word twice
You managed to use the same 17 words twice in under one minute!
C&NW, CA&E, MILW, CGW and IC fan
WW, that almost had me doubled over with laughter!
I recently became aware of another example of the irony in the law of unintended consequences. With the extension of autonomous vehicle technology into work and commercial vehicles, and the development of artificially-intelligent 'human virtual companions' for people...
...we will soon have country songs in which poor Merle's girlfriend has broken down and his truck has left him.
https://archive.org/stream/manchesterstree03swingoog#page/n140/mode/2up
I heard a very different version of this -- related linguistically, a bit, to the old Italian spelling of Mississippi.
Fellow was spelling his name out for the operator: O double T, I double U, E double L, double U, double O, D.
Operator has trouble with this doubletalk and finally asks with exasperation "What IS your name?"
Ottiwell Wood.
Jones was having difficulty with the telephone. “Ottiwell,” he was saying. “I want to speak to Reginald Ottiwell.”‖
And the operator said predictably, “Would you spell the last name?”‖
Jones sighed and began, “O as in Oscar; T as in Thomas; T as in Thomas again; I as in Ida; W as in Wallace—”
Whereupon the operator interrupted, “W as in what?”‖
DeggestyTheir husbands did understand them.
Or so they said.....
Writer Bill Bryson was on a much-delayed commuter train in England. Seated opposite him was a man with a very bushy beard.
BB: "How long has this train been delayed?"
Beard: "I don't know but I was clean-shaven when I got on it!"
tree68 Paul of Covington it sounds nothing like France's French (or Canadian). France's French and Canadian French don't sound much alike, either. Reminds me of a story I once heard about a European complaining that Americans only knew one language. The reply was to the effect of "I can speak a pretty good Brooklyn, my Texas isn't bad, and neither is my Mississippi."
Paul of Covington it sounds nothing like France's French (or Canadian).
France's French and Canadian French don't sound much alike, either.
Reminds me of a story I once heard about a European complaining that Americans only knew one language. The reply was to the effect of "I can speak a pretty good Brooklyn, my Texas isn't bad, and neither is my Mississippi."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it".
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