The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[spokyone]

vsmith

Don't do this!

 

[CShaveRR]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me."

  As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

 As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am,  I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Carl,

That one is priceless!!  

[Deggesty]

CShaveRR

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

Yes, Carl, especially when you are being fed glucose intravenously.

Johnny

[spokyone]

Our Senior Citizen center hired a hypnotist for entertainment at lunch one day. He was using a gold watch on a gold chain. He swung it back and forth and told everyone to take a deep breath and told them they were very relaxed. Everyone seemed to be hypnotized. Then he swung it back & forth a little more and said that everyone was under his spell and would do anything he told them. Just then the chain broke & the watch busted into several pieces on the floor. The hypnotist said “Oh CRAP.”

  It took a cleanup crew several days to get the stench out of the room

[Clutch Cargo]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers.

"We're sorry, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "Well, we have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen man said, "Give me the bad news."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the man. Swallowing hard, he asked, "So what’s the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25-pound king crabs and a half dozen good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, the man demanded, "If that's the good news, what could possibly be great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"

[RRCharlie]

A New York Central passenger train was traveling from Erie, PA into New York State in the days of steam. The conductor came through the coach announcing the next stop: Dunkirk! Dunkirk!

From the restroom came the reply: "Not quite. I'm just wiping."

 

[Deggesty]

Back in the thirties, many people in Oklahoma supplemented their food budgets by eating jackrabbits. Some were so careful with their pennies that they would not spend money on ammuniton, but would chase the jackrabbits down and catch them. And, a choice few became so proud of their ability that they would not take just any old jackrabbit that they had jumped, but would run alongside each one as they came up to it, feel its ribs, and let it go on if it was not fat enough.

Johnny

[bubbajustin]

A wife walks into the liveng room VERY VERY concerned loking and sounding. She says "Honey,..... the bank just returned that check I wrote the other day." The husband replies very excitedly "Oh SPLENDED!!!" "What can we spend it on this time?!"

                                                                Politicians,

"Come on!" "The other party has been robbing you for ten years, now give us a chance!"

 

2 men are sitting in the wating room of New York's Penn Station. The first man tells the second man "I have an uncle working on Wall Street." The second man says "Is he rich, if you don't mind me asking?" the other man replied "Well, he was once-used to have a corrner on the market- but now he has a market on the corrner."

 

An old man and his wife of 50 years were sitting in a restraunt. The older man says to his wife, "Did you see that young lady smile at me?" His wife laughed, and said"Oh that's nothin', the first time I saw you I burst out in laughter!"

 

 

A middle age man says to his friend, "You know." "A man never gets into trouble chasing women. "It's when you get caught when the trouble starts."

 

You only have to mumble a few words in church to get married. And only a few in bed to get divorced.

[Kootenay Central]

 

    Great Stuff, Thank You!

[spokyone]

Ed McMahon passed away and went to heaven. The Lord asked him if he wanted anything. Mr. McMahon repied that he wanted an angel. Farrah Fawcett passed away. The Lord asked her if she wanted anything. Ms. Fawcett said she wanted all the children on Earth to be safe. Michael Jackson passed away.

[espeefoamer]

ROFLOL!

[zardoz]

spokyone

The Lord asked her if she wanted anything. Ms. Fawcett said she wanted all the children on Earth to be safe. Michael Jackson passed away.

Is this the same Michael Jackson that is now being mourned by millions worldwide?!?

[Deggesty]

zardoz

Is this the same Michael Jackson that is now being mourned by millions worldwide?!?

I don't doubt but that it is. I just caught on to the last sentence.

The memorial service was presented during the time that we are ordinarily able to find network news at least one channel; every channel my wife looked at for news (I was out at the time) had the memorial service and no news.

Johnny

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

Sure is.  What - you maybe expected sanity, rationality, and consistency from the 'pop culture' crowd and Hollywood . . .

[espeefoamer]

If someone is famous,it doesn't matter if he's a child molester or kills his ex-wife and her male friend,the unwashed masses will still make an American Idol out of him.

[Clutch Cargo]

St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

[tree68]

Two "quotes of the day" from Train Fest.  One was related to me, the other I heard first hand on the radio.

On Saturday evening, some 50+ railfans decended on Durand, intent on capturing whatever action there happened to be. A CN train arrived and the crew went about the business of putting their train away. 

Of course, they were the focal point for all of the photographers in attendance, and the engineer is reported to have said over the radio "Now I know what Brittany Spears feels like..."

As 765 was leaving Owosso on Sunday morning for the all-day trip, the usual plethora  of fans and photographers was waiting outside the grounds, specifically between M52 and Cedar Street.  A small side street parallels the tracks there.

I was beyond Cedar street, down in a ditch.  I had a decent shot, and my scanner.

While 765 running alongside said side street, a voice from the locomotive came over the air:

"I don't think we've ever been paced by a golf cart before."

[zardoz]

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

[passengerfan]

The fairy tale that should have been read to all little girls

Once upon a time in a land far away

A beautiful independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: "elegant lady I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.'

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine sauce and onion cream sauce.

She chuckled and thought silly frog I don't really think so.

Al - in - Stockton

[Kootenay Central]

Great stories! Thank You.

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

  Well done - thanks for sharing.  Has echoes of an old 'O Henry' short story - such as 'The Gift of the Magi', I believe it was called.

[dmoore74]

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
who did this over and over and over...)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your
PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
Steve.

[tree68]

dmoore74

Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies:

Outstanding.   I am very tempted...

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

  oh yeah . . .

[Kootenay Central]

Yes, somedays you just can't win.

[Deggesty]

On one occasion, the men who placed a casket in a hearse were not careful to secure it to the floor. As the hearse was being driven up a steep street, it hit a bump, the rear door came open, and the casket fell out. It bumped down the street until it came to a drugstore which it entered, and then it somehow stood up on the lower end and the upper half of the lid came open. The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Can I help you?" A voice from within replied, "Yes, I need something to stop this coffin."

Johnny

[CShaveRR]

And that remark was completely unrehearsed!

[spokyone]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these
expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep
with him."

 

[bubbajustin]

Suppose that you are driving down the road, and all the wheels fall off you canoe. Well, than how many seconds would it take for a bow-legged grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a green tomato?

Answer: 32sec. There aren’t any bones in ice cream

________________________________________________________________________________________　

Did you hear the story of the constipated math teacher????

It was so hard, that he had to work it out with a pencil.