The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[Clutch Cargo]

 Why does the Navy carry Marines around with them?

 

 

Because Sheep would be too obvious.

 

Kurt

[dmoore74]

THE LOVE DRESS A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ' What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Anonymous]

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

----------------------------------------------------------------

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "Why did you bring paving stones?"

-------------------------------------------------

And a railroad related one (sort of):

TO ALL UNION PACIFIC  NEW HIRES

Welcome to your new life as a UP object.  Please read this Updated Employee Handbook immediately.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing new Red Wing boots & carrying a $600 Gucci grip, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you work for the railroad, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive the contractually allotted personal days.  Approval for taking these days is left to managers who do not get personal days.  You may apply for personal days at any time.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:  Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25, except for everyone else. (Forget it. You're a new hire, vacation isn't something you need concern yourself with at this time.)

BEREAVEMENT   LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for off time, as long as no one else has to work overtime.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided all of the work is done and we have enough people to fill the next shift, without paying overtime, or no one misses call.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, by shift.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  We hope your career with the Union Pacific will profit us. Oh, and you, too. Or not.
Have a nice week.
Your friends at UP Management

[Dakguy201]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.  Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The responses show some of the Canadian sarcastic humor!!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
    ( from England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of  them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die off?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North.  Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...  Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in  Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I  sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of older Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?     (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of  anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[zardoz]

Deggesty

There was a passenger engineer who was very good at stopping his train at the same spot in each station, and the station agents could tell the waiting passengers where to stand so that they did not have move down the train before boarding. One day as he came into one of the stations, he overran the station before he stopped. The conductor, who was already standing in the rear vestibule, gave him three shorts on the communication line, blew the proper signal for the street crossing that was right beside the station as they backed, and then stopped the train, using the valve on the monkey tail. The engineer got down, walked back to the station, and asked the agent, "Who cut my sunflower down?"

Johnny

Actually, there is quite a bit of truth to the above; you would be amazed at the obscure things we sometimes use for spotting marks. We try to use things that do not change with the seasons (hard to see the sunflower when it's covered by three feet of snow).

And of course the marks change depending on how many coaches are in the train, how many coaches are deadheading, how many units you have, which style of unit you are in, etc.

[Deggesty]

There was a passenger engineer who was very good at stopping his train at the same spot in each station, and the station agents could tell the waiting passengers where to stand so that they did not have move down the train before boarding. One day as he came into one of the stations, he overran the station before he stopped. The conductor, who was already standing in the rear vestibule, gave him three shorts on the communication line, blew the proper signal for the street crossing that was right beside the station as they backed, and then stopped the train, using the valve on the monkey tail. The engineer got down, walked back to the station, and asked the agent, "Who cut my sunflower down?"

Johnny

[dmoore74]

A sign of the economy?!!


A  Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a case of Budweiser and puts it in their  cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the  wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put  them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so
they carry  on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar  of face  cream and
puts it in the basket.
'What do you  think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream.  It  makes me look beautiful,'  replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:  'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'

On the PA system:  'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

[CShaveRR]

trainfan1221

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

Pat says the cable uses all its power for good.

[bubbajustin]

A small child and his mother walked into the doctors office. The small child was playing with a wet sticky pice of balogna. The doctor comes out and says to the small child, "why don't you make a doctor with that pice of balognia?" The child blandly replies "I don't have that mutch balognia..."

[spokyone]

EG Murphy

PRICELESS

[wrawroacx]

There were these two men at home talking. The first man asked, "Have you heard the latest about the new CSX Engine coming out?" The second man replies, "No". Then the first man says, "Well it's not out yet".

[egmurphy]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

[egmurphy]

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'."

[spokyone]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[dharmon]

So the Pope died and arrived at the Pearly Gates after hours.  No one was around except a sleeping security guard.  He woke up the guard, told him that he was the Pope here to check in and then asked where St Peter was.  The guard told him they were expecting him, but it was after hours.  He then told him to grab his bags and follow him to temporary quarters for the night.  The Pope followed, a little taken back that the guard didn't offer to carry his bags for him and that although it was after hours no one was there to meet him....he was the Pope after all. 

They arrived at the temporary quarters which were spartan.  The guard told the Pope to come back first thing in the morning, and he'd get him in at the front of the line.  So the Pope sat on the bed for a few minutes until he heard some loud music and commotion.  He followed the noise down to the lounge and there seemed to be a party going on.  A bunch of people where there....St Pete and alot of the heavies as well as quite a few hottie girl angels.....and all attention was focused on this one guy in a pilot suit telling a story.  There was alot of laughing and carrying on.   The Pope goes to the bar and the bartender asks what he'll have.  The pope thinks a second and asks the bartender for a glass of wine.  When the bartender come back with his drink the Pope asks...."I'm a little confused.  I've spent my whole life dedicated to the church.  I don't want to sound overly proud or conceited, but I thought I was kind of important. But I get here and all the attention seems to be focused on that guy.  What gives?"

The bartender, wipes down the bar and leans over, " You are special, your holiness.  On any other day it would be different.  But really we get priests, cardinals and popes here all the time.  This is the first time we've had a naval aviator here."  

 Dan

[CNW 6000]

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . .
 65 above zero:
 Floridians turn on the heat.
 People in Wisconsin plant gardens.


 60 above zero:
 Californians shiver uncontrollably.
 People in Wisconsin sunbathe.


 50 above zero:
 Italian & English cars won't start.
 People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.


 40 above zero:
 Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
 People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.


 35 above zero:
 New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
 People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.


 20 above Zero
 People in Miami all die.
 Wisconsinites close the windows.

 Zero:
 Californians fly away to Mexico .
 People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.


 10 below zero:
 Hollywood disintegrates.
 The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.


 20 below zero:
 Washington DC runs out of hot air.
 People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.


 30 below zero:
 Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
 Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.


 40 below zero:
 ALL atomic motion stops.
 People in Wisconsin start saying...'Cold enough for you?'


 50 below zero:
 Hell freezes over.
 Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

[CNW 6000]

A man was at his local store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for his pet.  In the checkout line, with the bag under his arm, a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

Wanting to have a little fun he puts her on.  On an impulse he told her that no, he didn't have a dog, but was starting the Purina Diet again.  He added that he probably shouldn't, because the last time he was on it he ended up in the hospital, but not before he lost 60 pounds & later awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and he was going to try it again.  By this point practically everyone in line was now caught up in his tale.

Horrified, she asked if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him.  Deadpan, he told her no, that he stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit them both.

[inch53]

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[vsmith]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[miniwyo]

trainfan1221

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

 

 

*groan*

[trainfan1221]

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

[Railway Man]

Bob-Fryml

Omaha, Nebr. - Tuesday, 3 March 2009.

Lee Barnett, a.k.a. "The Bullet," an acquaintance of mine who once worked as a hoghead out of Oakland, told me that the Southern Pacific Operating Rules book defined a train as "An engine, or more than one engine, with or without cars displaying markers."  Espee also had a definition for the old man riding the caboose cushions:  "A conductor is a brakeman, with or without brains, displaying pencils."

 

Reminds me of when I was a trick dispatcher many years ago and I was arguing with an old-head conductor about how we handled his local.  He won it by exclaiming, "RWM, you're just like a hoghead: Always trying to think."

RWM

[bubbajustin]

There was two people who were going possum hunting. Theay had their guns drewn looking for a possum. Then one of the people saw a 102 express fright train. So he grabbed his lantrn snd waved like mad at the train. SCREEEEEEECH! the train ground to a hualt. The engineer said "what kid of emergancy do we have here?" The guy said "I wanted to see if you wanted to but a possum?" The engineer said "you mean to tell me that you have stopped this 102 car express freight train to ask me if I wanted to buy a possum?" The guy said "yep" the engineer replied  "well seeins how I like possum I'm going to buy one off of you! How mutch do you wat?" "$50" Ok here it is "Thank's Mr. engineer." The engineer said where's the possum? OH WE AIN'T SHOT E'M YET WE JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO BUT ONE OFF OF US!!! He He He!!

[bubbajustin]

Very very very funny. I will favor this post. Good clean fun, not mutch of that anymore! Enjoyed the Bobo post!

[zardoz]

Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 

[miniwyo]

A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big" everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience? The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.  "How many customers bought something from you today?  The kid says, "one".

 

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"  The kid says "$121,237.65".  

 

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"  

 

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he  said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4  Expedition."

 

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

[Deggesty]

Some more (very old) tales told by men on their way to or from work; this time on the Long Island.

Man from Douglaston tells how he didn't mind the night when the vestibule door came off in his hands. He jsut set it against the wall out of the way and got off. He did mind, though, the night the door wouldn't open at all and the train went wheep-wheep and got under way while he was struggling with it. He hiked it back from Little Neck. [0.6 miles east]

Man from Baldwin (change at Jamaica) says that's interesting, and take his case, for example. He thinks the engineer on his train either has had an unhappy love affair in Baldwin or owes money there. Anyway, he frequently skips the stop. The Baldwin man gets off at Freeport. [1.1 miles east]

Man from Ozone Park (change at Woodside) says he never had that happen to him, but his wife gets upset sometimes when his evening train is lost. Quite a mess of spurs and loops and crossovers and causeways out around the Rockaways, and sometimes the motorman has to get down and ask the shanty man where he is.

(With apologies to A Treasury of Railroad Folklore for adding the distances for the benifit of us poor people not fortunate enough to live on Long Island)

Johnny

[zardoz]

At the Zoo with Dad

Dad was out of town working one weekend.  On Sunday, the mom decided to take her son to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

"That's an elephant", the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."

"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!"

"Oh, that's his tail", she said.

"No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"

The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....

The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!"

"Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"

The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

The father replied, "That's his trunk."

"No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"

"That's his tail", the father replied.

"No, no! That thing in the middle!"

The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?"

"She said it was nothing!"

"Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"

[spokyone]

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.  Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.  At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."  "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."  "Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.  "Good," she replies.  "Get your own *** blanket." 

[Bob-Fryml]

Omaha, Nebr. - Tuesday, 3 March 2009.

Lee Barnett, a.k.a. "The Bullet," an acquaintance of mine who once worked as a hoghead out of Oakland, told me that the Southern Pacific Operating Rules book defined a train as "An engine, or more than one engine, with or without cars displaying markers."  Espee also had a definition for the old man riding the caboose cushions:  "A conductor is a brakeman, with or without brains, displaying pencils."

"I was sad when I did go
   From the land of Phoebe Snow.
      My eyes did burn and my head was light
         From smoking too much anthricite!"