A New York Central passenger train was traveling from Erie, PA into New York State in the days of steam. The conductor came through the coach announcing the next stop: Dunkirk! Dunkirk!
From the restroom came the reply: "Not quite. I'm just wiping."
Mel Hazen; Jax, FL Ride Amtrak. It's the only way to fly!!!
Our Senior Citizen center hired a hypnotist for entertainment at lunch one day. He was using a gold watch on a gold chain. He swung it back and forth and told everyone to take a deep breath and told them they were very relaxed. Everyone seemed to be hypnotized. Then he swung it back & forth a little more and said that everyone was under his spell and would do anything he told them. Just then the chain broke & the watch busted into several pieces on the floor. The hypnotist said “Oh CRAP.”
It took a cleanup crew several days to get the stench out of the room
CShaveRRThe old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Yes, Carl, especially when you are being fed glucose intravenously.
Johnny
Carl,
That one is priceless!!
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
vsmith
Don't do this!
Here are a few I got in my email recently....
One day this lawyer was driving his convertible and he rolled through a stop sign. A police officer saw this and stopped him for this. He told the lawyer that he had stopped him for running the stop sign. the lawyer replied "I slowed down for the sign" The officer ordered him out of the car and proceeded to beat the crap out of this lawyer. While the beating ensued, the officer asked "Would you like me to stop or slow down?"
What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crockett as the Mexicans were charging the Alamo?
I didn't know we were pouring concrete today!
interviews and testing were done, there were3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you willfollow your instructions no matterwhat the circumstances. Inside the room youwill find your wife sitting in a chair.Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,'You don't have what it takes.Take your wife home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was giventhe same instructions, to kill her husband.She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard, one after another.They heard screaming, crashing, bangingon the walls. After a few minutes,all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'MORAL:Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
RJ
"Something hidden, Go and find it. Go and look behind the ranges, Something lost behind the ranges. Lost and waiting for you. Go." The Explorers - Rudyard Kipling
http://sweetwater-photography.com/
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?
********Your Honor
CShaveRRCANADIANPACIFIC2816 I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession." CANADIANPACIFIC2816 It's a joke, Son! This is a humor thread! Most of us are acquainted with, or related to, attorneys--and if we say things like that to their faces, they'll laugh right along with us. It's no different from the jokes about doctors on golf courses, policemen holed up in donut shops, or the many wisecracks that plumbers get. And railroaders are probably the worst of all at insulting their fellow workers. Some of the engineer-vs.-conductor battles are legendary. The best one I ever saw was a skate-man's drawing aimed at car retarder operators--showing a skate man desperately chasing a wildly-rolling freight car, while in the background is a CRO tower, open window, beer cans and banana peels outside, and ZZZs emanating from the window. Did I, a CRO, resemble the remark? Of course not! Was I offended? Again, of course not! Had a good laugh over it--and would have been proud to make the acquaintance of the artist. Decades ago, a local folksinger performed a hilarious song lampooning the Chicago Police Department (that would have been a capital offense, from what I heard!), subtitled, "I think it's a big shame that it takes an entire police force to ruin the reputation of one honest cop." I'm an old Chicago copper...I patrol the Outer Drive. I haven't made a single pinch since 1935. To the speeder I am courteous; I praise him for his skill, And I always have the proper change for a twenty-dollar bill!
CANADIANPACIFIC2816 I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession." CANADIANPACIFIC2816
I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession."
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
Errrr....most lawyer jokes I get come from other lawyers
Have fun with your trains
Hey Carl,
It wasn't my intent to put down people who tell jokes involving lawyers. And my cousin who is a judge in Denver has a WONDERFUL sense of humor!
Ray
CANADIANPACIFIC2816I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession."CANADIANPACIFIC2816
CANADIANPACIFIC2816 zardoz Limitedclear On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... LC A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator". I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession." CANADIANPACIFIC2816
zardoz Limitedclear On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... LC A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator".
Limitedclear On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... LC
On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped...
LC
A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator".
Which brings to mind the oft-heard remark that 95 % of the lawyers give the others a bad name . . .
My father used to say that among the law school graduates:
The "A" students became the next generation of professors;
The "B" students became the judges; and,
The "C" students made all the money !
- Paul North. (who as an engineer represents none of the above)
Jose & Carlos
Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"
Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlo's sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."
"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.
"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day."
Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"
It reads "I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico."
zardozLimitedclear On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... LC A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator".
Father Norton woke up one beautiful Sunday morning and decided that it was a perfect day for golf, so he told the Pastor he was sick and asked him to say mass for him. The Pastor agreed and just as mass was beginning, Father Norton snuck off to the golf course, where he had the whole course to himself because all of his parishioners were in church.
While this was happening, St. Peter and God were looking down from heaven. St. Peter said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you? Playing golf while everyone else is in church?" God said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit his first tee shot. It was an incredible drive that landed right on the green, took 2 bounces and 'plunk' - landed right in the hole. A 420 yard hole-in-one!
St. Peter was astonished. He turned to God and said, "Why did you let him do that?" God smiled and said, "Who's he gonna tell?!"
zardoz CShaveRR"Oh no!" said the cheif. "Bass solo!"Is that any relation to Han Solo?
CShaveRR"Oh no!" said the cheif. "Bass solo!"
"Bass solo!"
or Napoleon Solo?
CShaveRR"Oh no!" said the cheif."Bass solo!"
Speaking of Kermit the Frog, Kermit went to his local bank to see if he could get a loan. He ended up talking to the bank's chief loan officer, a certain Mr. Paddywhack. When Kermit was asked what he had in the way of collateral that could be used to secure his loan, he responded by telling Mr. Paddywhack, "All I've got for collateral is this little statuette of Miss Piggy."
Paddywhack's response to Kermit was, "I'm sorry Kermit, but you're going to have to have a lot more than that before I can grant you a loan." Kermit got mad and he went and talked to the bank's President and told him what Paddywhack said to him. And he showed the bank's President his little statuette of Miss Piggy.
The bank's President summoned Mr. Paddywhack into his office and he said to him, "Well, for crying out loud!, It's a nick-nack, Paddywhack, Give the Frog a loan!!"
You would have to be at least my age to get that one......
Whoa! Poor Kermie. Personally I think she just decked him....
Celebrity dies from Swine Flu.I think I know who the carrier is.
bubbajustin Jonny, was that an IC E unit that you were on? Those were the old draw string horns weren't thay?
Jonny, was that an IC E unit that you were on? Those were the old draw string horns weren't thay?
Carl, The trip was quite a blast.
tree68 My student conductor was busy reviewing the timetable in his quest to better know the territory as we approached the largest trestle, and I was discussing that with him. Noting where we were, I rose and started to the rear of the train, informing him that I was going back to "call the bridge." Apparently he misunderstood me, or maybe some of his youthful enthusiasm (of which he sometimes has too much) kicked in, for he immediately keyed his radio and announced that we were "clear of the bridge." The engineer, clearly knowing that we weren't even there yet, came back with "what bridge?" I did go to where I could see to make the call, and made the call at the appropriate time - "Now we're clear of the bridge..." The student conductor will be a long time living that one down.
My student conductor was busy reviewing the timetable in his quest to better know the territory as we approached the largest trestle, and I was discussing that with him. Noting where we were, I rose and started to the rear of the train, informing him that I was going back to "call the bridge."
Apparently he misunderstood me, or maybe some of his youthful enthusiasm (of which he sometimes has too much) kicked in, for he immediately keyed his radio and announced that we were "clear of the bridge."
The engineer, clearly knowing that we weren't even there yet, came back with "what bridge?"
I did go to where I could see to make the call, and made the call at the appropriate time - "Now we're clear of the bridge..."
The student conductor will be a long time living that one down.
The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
CShaveRRI'll tell one on myself, then, Larry: My first eastbound trip on the Galena Division (now the Geneva Sub) was on Train 142, which we caught at Clinton and brought back to Proviso. It was still daytime when we departed, but quickly became dark. I remember seeing the glow from both the furnaces and the steam locomotives at Northwestern Steel & Wire in Sterling. Anyway, I was still kind of gung-ho, and more than willing to do my job in the cab--basically calling the signals. Trouble is, I had no knowledge of where I was or what I was looking at. That, and being a little drowsy... I caught myself waking up and seeing what I thought was a bluish-green light. "Clear!", I called out. "Uh...I think that's a street light!" "Oh. Well, the street looks clear, too." He enjoyed that.
He enjoyed that.
And, there was the time that I realized that I was about to blow for a milepost and not a public crossing. I was riding the engine of the City of New Orleans from Memphis to Grenada, and I had asked the engineer if I could blow for the crossings. All went well until it became too dark for me to tell the difference between the whistleposts and the mileposts (the IC used the same shape sign for both). We went through some towns that had crossings so close together that it was impossible to get a proper signal off for each one, so I would use the last blast for one as th efirst blast for the next. The engineer did not complain. We stopped in Batesville, and when the conductor gave the signal to release the brakes, he did not make it a clear two shorts, but one long. The engineer then told me to give the conductor two shorts.
Ha Ha Ha! A little sleepy eh' hay Carl?
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