Semper Vaporo Friend of mine says the joke is not complete... The wife replied, :"Tthat's ok, I already bought that necklace anyway...so just go ahead and have another drink, dear".
Friend of mine says the joke is not complete...
The wife replied, :"Tthat's ok, I already bought that necklace anyway...so just go ahead and have another drink, dear".
Sounds like the woman who always wants to get in the last word.
From: http://www.blcompanies.com/services/transportation.php
- Paul North.
Christmas At Rock-Away Rest
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter). A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 'Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our social- security checks had arrived. We sang--how we sang!--in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
Author Unknown
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
A Band Named BobA Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce A Boy Named Gomer A Cat Born In An Oven Isn't A Cake Above Average Weight Band AbracadaverAbstract *** BrigadeActual SizeAdickdid Adios PantalonesAdmiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing TeethAdult Children of Heterosexuals Adventures in ShrubberyThe Advil MonkeyAerosol MethodsAfghanistan Banana StandAfraid Of FigsAfrodiziacAgnes MoreheadAha, the Attack of the Green Slime Beast The Al Roker Death Cult Wind EnsembleAl's HeimersAlbino Toilet Boys Alcoholics UnanimousAlcoholocaustAlien Ant FarmAlien Nymphos from UranusThe Alien PuppetsAlien Sex Fiend All You Can EatAlmighty Lumberjacks of DeathThe Amazing Embarrasonic Human Karaoke MachineAmish Meth LabAmputatoeAmputeaseThe Anally Devoted HusbandsAnal Speech TherapyAn Emotional FishThe Andriod SistersAngry AmputeesAngry SaladAngry Samoans Anus the MenaceApocolypse Hoboken Are These My Pants?Armani Death MachineArmed and HammeredArmpitArmy of PrawnsThe Arrogant WormsArthur Loves Plastic Ashtray BoyThe Atomic BitchwaxAutomatic DaffodilsAttila The StockbrokerAttractive Eighties WomenAvenging Lawnmowers of JusticeAyatollah Mama Please
Badical Turbo RadnessThe Bad Livers Bad Mutha GooseBad Tequila ExperienceBaldilocksBall Point BananaBaloney PonysThe Bambi MolestersBananafishbonesThe Band Formerly Known As SausageBand OverBand That Shot Liberty ValenceBarbie BonesBarefoot Hockey GoalieBarenaked LadiesBarfBarnyard ***Barry White Boys Barstool ProphetsBassholes BBQ PlatypusBearded Itchy Lover Beats the Hell Out of Me Beatnik TermitesBeef Masters Beerbellied Scum From Central Bucks CountyThe Bendy Monsters Ben Dover and the ScreamersBen Wa and the Blue BallsBernie the Trailer Park Queen and the Deadbeat DadsBertha's Mule Betty FordBetty's Not a VitaminBeverley Beer BelliesBiff Hitler and the Violent Mood SwingsBig Ass TruckBig Balls and the Great White Idiot Big Dead FishBig Fat Pet Clams From Outer SpaceBig Fish EnsembleBig Head CatBig White UndiesThe Biggest Freak in New JerseyBimbo ToolshedBionic RoomateThe Bisquit ***Bitter Enemies/Butter Enemas Bizzare CzarsBjorn AgainBlack Moth Super RainbowBleeding Rectum Bloated ***Bloated TickBlood Sledge Electric Death ChickensBloody Death From Outer SpaceBloody StoolsBlueballs Deluxe Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggitsBody Falling Down StairsBoiled AngelBondage A Go GoBoneramaBongo Sherbet and the Electrified Yeti WobblersBongzilla Bordering On Retarded Boris the SprinklerThe Bourbon Tabernacle ChoirBowWowWowHaus Brady Bunch Lawnmower MassacreBrad Pitt Live and NudeThe Brian Jonestown MassacreThe Britney SpearchuckersBroadzillaBrutal JuiceBrutal NoodleBuck Naked and the Bare Bottom BoysBullwinkel GandhiBuck Satan and the 666 ShootersBuddy Wasisname and the Other FellasBulimia Banquet The Bumpin' UgliesThe Bourbon Tabernacle ChoirBurger PimpBus Station LooniesBusted RubbersBuster Hymen & the PenetratorsButt TrumpettButthole Surfers
The Callous TaoboysCaltransvestites Candy Striper Death Orgy Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers Captain Cardiac and the CoronariesCaptain Drinking Binge Cardiac Zach and the DefibulatorsCarter the Unstoppable Sexmachine Caucasian InvasionChain Smokin' Alter BoysThe Charging Tyrannosaurus of DespairCheap Mike & the FeedbacksCherry Coke EnemaCherry Poppin' DaddiesChia PetThe Chicken Charmers Chickens On SmackChief Brody & the Bigger BoatChildren of the Vending MachineChocolate Bunnies From HellChocolate WatchbandChoosy Mom's Funky Dance CarnivalClive Pig and the Hopeful Chinamen Cobaine's BrainsColon On The CobColostomy Grab-Bag Compulsive GamblersConcrete OctopusCookie Mould and the Smegmettes The Couch SlugsThe Crab Cometh ForthCrappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk MonkiesCrazy Taco CafeteriaCrazy Uncle Larry and his Troupe of Molotov Cocktail JugglersCrispy AmbulanceCrocheted Doughnut RingCrosseyed ChickenCultivated BimboThe Cunning RuntsCurious George and the HomophobesCurl Up And DieCycle Sluts From Hell
Dairy Queen EmpireThe Dairy QueensDali's Car*** the Bad Luck Dancing CigarettesThe Dancing French Liberals of 1848Danger WankDavid Devant & His Spirit WifeDead Alcoholics with BonersDead Fish Prophecy Dead KennedysDead MilkmenThe Dead Pants (Die Toten Hosen)Debbie Harry's Armpit CrewDeepthroat ShotgunDemolition String BandDick Cheese and the Crackers Dick Davis and the DicktonesDick Delicious and the Tasty TesticlesDick Donkeys Dawn Dick Duck and the DorksDick Nibbler's All-star Weenie RoastThe Dick Nixons Dicky Retardo Dicks on FireDid Lee Squat? Diesel Dick and the DipsticksDirt Clod Fight Disgruntled Postal Workers Dog Food Five Dogs With Jobs Domino's Delivery BoyzDon Knotts Overdrive Doris DazeDoug and the SlugsDow Jones and the IndustrialsDowny Mildew Dracula Milk Toast Drag KingDragmules Draw Your Own CowDreaded Apparatus Drew Barrymore's DealerDrive By Crucifixion Drive-In Funeral Drunks With Guns Drunken Ugly Basement BrothersDuckbutterDukes of Hazardous MaterialDumpster Juice
e. coliEarthpig and FireEar WacksEdith Head Ed Gein's Car Ed's Redeeming QualitiesElastic Sausage Electric Al and the Poison Dart Frog McNuggetsElectric Blue Peggy Sue and the Revolutionions from MarsElegant DoormatsElizabeth Taylor's HusbandsThe Elvis Diet Endangered ***Epileptic DiscoEthyl MermanEverpresent FullnessEve's PlumbEvel GazebowEvil BeaverThe Evil ElviiEvil Weiner Experimental BBQ Exploding Boy Exploding Head TrickExploding White Mice
Fabulous AmputatorsFabulous PimpsFangboy and the GhoulsThe Farting GhostsThe FartzThe Fat Chick from Wilson PhillipsFat LuvFat Welfare Moms On DustThe F.C.C(The Flying Cunts of Chaos)Fearless Iranians From HellThe Fierce Nipples The Fifty Foot Hose50 Naked MidgetsFire on Your SleeveFive Fat Guys Who RockFix My HeadThe Flaming Donuts of JesusFlaming Box of Ants Flaming LipsFlamin' SchnanusesFlavor of UranusFlogging MollyFlopping BodybagsFly Spinach FlyFlying DustbunniesFlying Elmo'sFour Honkies In a Big Black CarFour Nurses of the ApocalypseFour Out of Five DoctorsThe Fred Mertz ExperienceFreda Fuselage And The WingwalkersFree BeerFree Beer and ChickenFree Range ChickenThe French are from HellFreud ChickenFrogs Don't CryFromage d'AmourFrosted SuedeFrumious BandersnatchFull Throttle AristotleFull Metal ChickenFunky Green Dogs From Outer SpaceFurious George
GangGreenGangway Fathead GarbageGaye Bikers on Acid The Gaza StrippersGee That's A Large Beetle I Wonder If It's PoisonousGefilte Joe and the FishGelvis PresslyGenitorturersGet Reality Over With. Take Hallucinogens (G.R.O.W.T.H)Ghandi's LunchboxGirl Scout HandgrenadeGirls Can't CatchThe Glands of External SecretionGlobal DisrobalGod's GirlfriendGoldfish Don't BounceThe Go Kill YourselvesGo Nad GoGonoreaganGonnorhea PizzariaGrand Master Ass-Blaster and the Pimp-Slap CrewGravity AssGrim SkunkGregg Turner and the Blood Drained CowsGringo StarThe Grilled Cheeze FiascoGuess My PerversionGuitarantula Guns N' WankersGut Full of CheeseGuyana Koolaid
Habitual Sex Offenders The Hair & Skin Trading Co. Haircuts That KillHakan Sleeps NakedHalf Man, Half Biscuit Halibutt SharonHalo of Flies Hamster Sandwich Han Solo and the ChewbaccasThe Happiest Guys In the WorldHard-drinkin' HousewivesHarry Palms and the Gym Towels Headlice of DoomHead Like a Hole?Heavy Pink InsulatorHeavy VegetableHefty Pink Labia LipsHelen Keller PlaidHelicopter BarfsHell ToupeeHellacopter MeatHello I'm A TruckHenry Kissinger's ***Here, Eat This!Her Majesty the BabyHerpes CineplexHe's Dead JimHeterophobiaHey! That's My Bike!Heywood Trout FestivalHindu Garage SaleHitler Stole My PotatoHitler's Missing TesticleHockey TeethHollow Chocolate Bunnies of DeathHollywood Chainsaw HookersHoly Mary, Mother of BertHoly Sisters of the Gaga DadaHomer and the SexualsHornets Attack Victor MatureThe Hostile AmishHot Buttered AspirinHot Rod Shopping CartHouse of Large Sizes The Hurling Tandooris
I Buried Paul I Got Shot By Dick CheneyI Love My Shih-TzuIce Cream HeadacheIcky BoyfriendsIdentity CrisisIf Cows Had Wings If Pigs Could Talk Would You Still Eat ThemIf You Don't Order Food You Have To LeaveImmaculate InfectionImpotent Seasnakes Individual Fruit PieInfected MushroomThe Inflatable Boy Clams Inflatable DatesInflatable Party Sheep"insert cool name here"The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac Interspecies Love Child The Introspective Playboy Invisible FlintstonesIowa Beef Experience Iron Liver Iron ProstateItalians Obsessed with CheeseI've Got a WedgieIWRESTLEDABEARONCE
Jabbering TroutJason's Cat DiedJason's Gay HaircutJazz IguanasThe Jean Paul Sartre ExperienceJehovah's WaitressesJehovah’s Witness Protection ProgramJerry's Kids Jesus Christ and the NailknockersJesus Christ Super Fly Jesus Chrysler SupercarJiggle the HandleJif and the Choosy MothersJim Jones and the Kool Aid KidsJoan of Arkansas Jodie Foster's ArmyJoe Buck YourselfJoe Puke and the Chunky BitsJohn Cougar Concentration CampJohn Denver's Co-PilotJohn Holmes: Cucumber SmugglerJohnny Panic and the Bible of DreamsJohnny Uterus and the Fallopian TubesJolly Naked FishermenJonestown PunchJuggling Death SquadJunior High BurnoutJust Plain Cheese
Kamakazi Sex PilotsKarl Maldens NoseKathleen Turner OverdriveKen Dodd's Dad's Dogs DeadKenfunky Fried Kerrigan's KneesThe Kids Who Never Learned How to Colour Inside of the LinesThe Killer HayseedsKiller KiwisKinky Friedman and the Texas Jew BoysKinky SlinkyKiss My Poodles DonkeyThe KitshickersKnee Deep ShagKung Foo DykesKung Fu Action Clergy PersonsK.Y. and the Backsliders
Lance Armstrong and the One BallersLavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet LickersLawnsmellLeonard SkinheadThe Leave It To Beaver Conehead ImmolationLed LobsterLee Harvey Keitel Lee Press-On and the Nails*** Dopeheads on MopedsLick, the DogLimp WristLip Smacking Kitten Lunch Lord Panic and the ExplodersLorne Greene's Wet NippleThe Lord Is My ShotgunLost Underpants of DoomLothar and the Hand PeopleLoud American TouristsLubricated GoatThe Luminous Toilet Bowls Lung MustardThe Lust PenguinsLuxury ChristLyin' female dog and the Restraining Orders
Maggot Sandwich Man...or Astro-Man? Manson-Nixon Line Mao Tse HelenMary Carves the ChickenMary Kay and the CosmeticsMary Kay's Pink Cadillac ***Mary Tyler MorphineMayhem Lettuce McAlbert Fish SandwichMe and Sir OctagonMeat PuppetsMechanical Tampon FishMega SmegmaMelissa's House of CrabsMen Among PoodlesMen With IssusesMermaids In the BasementMicrowavable Tree Frogs Mill Valley Taters Minnie Pearl Necklace Minnie Pearl's JamThe Minstrel CrampsMr. Holland's AnusMr. Quintron and the Flossy Unicorn Puppet ShowMr. Tasty and the Bread HealersMr. T ExperienceMoe, Larry and Shirley JonesMogen David and the Grapes of WrathMoist Fist The Morbid Tavern Apple ChoirMore Drunk Cowboys The Morning ShakesThe Most Sordid PiesMother Theresa's Children [Moder Theresas Barn]Mother Tucker's Yellow DuckMouse and the TrapsThe Muscular LesbiansMussolini Headkick Mustard PlugMy Dog Has Hitler's BrainMy Friend the Chocolate CakeMy Other Car is Even CrappierMy Three ScumMy White Bread MomMyth America
Naked Potato Naked David HasselhoffThe Napolean BlownapartsNascar FanaticsNatural FonzieNaugahyde ChihuahuasNavigators Of CarrotsNearly Died Laughing While Shaving My ButtNed's Atomic DustbinNew Riders of the Minimum WageNew Squids on the DockNip DriversThe Nipple ErectorsNo Pants BanditsNo Way Sis (Oasis tribute band)Nocturnal EmissionsNomad Nipples Noodle Muffin and the Pig SquintsNorman Bates and the Shower HeadsNot Drowning, WavingNot Now I'm NakedNot With My CamelNurse With WoundNuts Can Surf
OedipussyOhio Howie and his Temple of BoomOld Bathtub HagOld Lady DriverOnce I Killed a Gopher With a StickThe Only Alternative and His Other PossibilitiesOperation Cliff ClavenThe Orange JewsOrange Juice After ToothpasteOrganic Condom Mazda Drugs Our Manager Told Us That Our Band Name Was Too Long and Difficult to Remember and That We Had to Change it So After a Long Brainstorming Session We Came Up With This One Because All the Other Ones SuckedOuter Body LlamaOut of Godzilla's ButtOut Vile JellyOvarian Trolley Ozzy Beard Spaghetti
Pabst Smear Painful Rectal Itch Paisley Brain CellsPaul Minor's Great Big Ego Paul Will Eat HimselfPeace Love and Pitbulls The Peanut Butter ConspiracyPearl Harbor and the Explosions People With Chairs Up Their Noses Pepto DismalPeter and the Test Tube BabiesPhenobarbidols Phil McAvity and his GerbilsPhilemon Arthur and the DungPhlegm Fatale Phone Bill from HellPicadilly Circus People Pieces of LisaPimps of VenusPink Slip Daddy *** Off PostmenPlanet of PantsPlastic Nude Martini Playdough Fish Plump HarrietPoo On A StickPoop ShovelPopemobile Pontius CoPilotPork Queen Porn on the Cob Porn FlakesPornhuskers Possum JuicePost Nasal Drip Poultry in Motion Pregnant Men Pretentious Flamedogs Printed At Bismarck's Death Professor Morrison's Lollipop Psychic Buddist Gorillas Psycho Sluts from Hell Public EnemaPullout MethodPure *** ExtractPurple Earthquake
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs *** WookieQuestion Mark & the Mysterians
Rainbow Butt MonkeysRage Against Filo DoughThe Rampant HedgehogsRats of Unusual SizeRebel Without ApplauseRectal ExamRed Neck GirlfriendReluctant Stereotypes REO Speed DealerThe Revolting CocksRhythm MethodRoad KillRodney King and the NightsticksRolling BlackoutsRolling DonutRonnie James DeoderantRoot Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The RootettesRoyal Flush and the Jacks of All TradesRubber Nipple SalesmenRudimentary PeniRugburnsRumplforskinThe RunzRusty Pickup and the CrappytonesRyan Retardondo and the Get Down Syndrome
Sadista SistersSandy Duncan's EyeSatan’s CheerleadersSaturated FatSaturday's GarbageSaturn's Flea CollarScience DietScary ChickenScreaming BrocolliThe Screaming HormonesScreaming Moist Accountants*** PoleSemi Digested Curtain RailSensitive New Age Cowpersons74 Megs of RyanSevere Tire DamageSex Clark Five Skankin' PickleSharon Stoned She Stole My BeerShirley Temple of DoomShirley Temple PilotsShoot the Mime Shorty and the DisappointmentsShorty Johnson & The TrojansThe Shower Scene from PsychoSinus Envy Sissy Boy Slap Party Sister Run Naked Six Organs of AdmittanceSkadelic Smegma Skanorrhea and the Burning SensationsSkinny Chicken & The ChokersSkunk DeathSloppy SecondsThe Slutty NunzSluts for HireSly and the Family JewelsSmegma & the Nuns Smelly Tongues SmorgasborgnineSnotty Scotty and the HankiesSodom & Gomorrah Liberation FrontSofa KingdomSome Random BandSon Of Sam WaltonSoothing Sounds For BabySorry About Your DaughterThe Sound of Animals FightingSoup DragonsSour PuppetSpace HogSpaceman Bill and the Groovy GravySparky the Lizard HermaphroditeSpastic ColonThe Spastic RatsSpecial Ed and the Short BusSquirrel Nut ZippersStark Naked and the Car ThievesStiff Dead CatStiff Richards Stinky BinkyStinky Fire EngineString Cheese IncidentSt. MucousStockhausen and WalkmanStop Calling Me FrankStop Lookin' and Buy ItStraight Jacket LucyStud McCoy and the Creemy TwinkiesStukas Over BedrockStupid White PeopleSuicide Ninjitsu Penguin Assassin SquadSuicide Shrimp FiascoSuper Sonic Soul PimpsThe Surf MaggotsSusanne and the Guys With TiesSwearing at MotoristsSweaty Bum ChunksSweaty NipplesSwingin' Udders
Tastes Like ChickenThe TechnochocolatesTechnosquid Eats ParliamentTed Bundy's VolkswagenTed Ed FredTemporary Darkening of the StoolTerry Dactyl and the DinosaursTest IciclesTestostertonesThank God We're ImmortalThe Baby Won't Eat His Corn DogThe Quilted-Quicker-Picker-Upper, Bounty!They Might Be GiantsThey Tried To Frame OJThey Were ExpendableThinking Fellers Union Local 282This Bike Is A Pipe BombThis Is Serious, MumThomas Jefferson Slave ApartmentsThree Day StubbleThree Dead Trolls in a Baggie350,000 Crazed and Fully Africanized "Welcome to Disneyworld" BeesTickle Me PinkTitty BingoTo Live and Shave in LAToiling MidgetsTonto's Expanding HeadbandThe Tony Danza Tapdance ExtravaganzaToo Fat to Skate Tooth FuzzToxic Shock and the Tampons Toys That KillTracy & the Hindenburg Ground CrewTrailer Park CasanovasTrampled by TurtlesTransatlantic Chicken Wicken No. 5Traveling DingleberriesTrench Coat YuppiesTrotsky IcepickTrout Fishing In AmericaTupperware DeathTurkey Makes Me Sleepy22 Toxic Chemicals20,000 Leaks Under The SinkTwo Cow GarageTwo For FlinchingTwo Minute Sinatra 2000 Flushes
UFOFUUgly HeadUltimate SpinachUltraBabyFatUmbrella Full of SemenUnidentified Rocking ObjectsUncle Bob Touched MeUnderpants MachineThe UrinalsUrine SpecimenUsless ID
Van Gogh's Ear The Vast Void of Empty Nothingness Vegetarian MeatVenus and the Razor Blades Vermin from VenusThe Veronica CartwrightsVic Morrow's Head Vic Vaccume and the Attachments The Voluptuous Horror of Karen BlackVomit Launch
Waffles Against AIDSWas I Naked We Go To 11We The PeepholeThe Well HungariansWell Strung Wendy and Her Menstrual CyclesWhat Made Milwaukee FamousWhen People Were Shorter and Lived By the WaterWhere's The Pope? The Whip-M-Out Girl'sWhite People LieWhite Trash DebutantesWhorehouse of RepresentativesWho The Hell Are You?Willie Nelson MandelaThe Wizards of TwiddlyWoke Up FallingWonderbred, the Refined White Flour ChildrenWrecked ‘EmThe Wrench Twisting Streetlickers Wynona Ryders
The Yams from Outer Space The Yeasty GirlsYellow SnowThe Young and the UselsessYou Need A SpankingYour *** Neighbors Your Naked Mother
Zombies Under StressZombina & The SkeletonesZorro and the Blue FootballsZsa ZsaZulu Leprechauns
Have fun with your trains
vsmithDang, as I feared..all the good band names are already taken:
There's a thing that floats around Facebook for creating your "rock band name."
Something like the color of your mother's favorite housecoat, the street you lived on as a child, and the name of your first dog.
You could end up with the "Green Highland Friskies..."
The more obscure the possible selections, the stranger things could get...
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Humorus, but true. As me and my two friends were sitting down to grab something to eat, we noticed that the pedestrian crossing at Lake Cook Road depot (Metra) was malfunctioning. It was going on and off for short intervals. So I decided to call in the Item two. Word of advice: Calling 1800 fix-gate will lead you to an ED pill..."Hello. is this the number for grade crossing problems?"
"Yes"
"I'd like to report an item two at Lake Cook Road,""A what?""An Item two. The signals going off, but there's no train!"
"And where is this?"
"Lake Cook road"
"And...?"The depot. It's a pedestrian crossing!"
"Thanks for calling,"
"You're welcome"Makes you wonder...
For engineering types (not the train 'driver" kind, though), here's a link to a great one on an ancient engineering failure, by Paul Pendragon, circa 1981 (may take re-reading it to get all the nuances):
"Beware the Wrath of Abibarshim" - "Recently excavated clay tablets shed new light on the most famous engineering failure in antiquity. Although some of the words are conjectural, this translation contains a clear message for modern engineers. Do you know someone who might benefit from this voice from the past?"
http://www.sacbusiness.org/cs/hesterj/Beware%20The%20Wrath%20Of%20Abibarshim.htm
See also: http://deletionpedia.dbatley.com/w/index.php?title=Abibarshim_(deleted_05_Apr_2008_at_22:04) which cites:
Paul Pendragon, Beware the Wrath of Abibarshim!, Production Engineering, Volume 28, Number 7, July 1981, pp24-26, Penton/IPC, ISSN 0146-1737
It ought to be required reading . . .
Paul, I enjoyed the first link. Is Paul Pendragon any relation to King Arthur (the Pendragon)?
The second link has been removed.
Johnny
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...
"Clean my house."
Retired Husband
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least:16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
A Congressman went to a 3rd world country on a politically motivated publicity junket and spent most of his time traveling from one small village to another giving his typical promissory speeches. At one village the tribe was well known for its herd of cattle and he was most interested in being photographed talking to the herdsmen.
But first he had to give one of his typical speeches to the assembled tribesmen.
He began by praising them for their large herd of cattle and then began to extol the virtues of what material items they would get if they signed a trade treaty with the U.S. He told them all about the wonderful benefits of accepting U.S. aid.
He promised a chicken in every pot, beans in the pantry and he went on and on about it.
Someone in the crowd shouted "Huzunga!" at one point and he figured it was like an "Amen!" from a church congregation, so he made even more promises.
Soon, another tribesman began to jump up and down shouting "Huzunga!", and then a few more did so.
This just egged him on and his voice reached a fever pitch as he promised more and more to them. And the more he promised, the more people shouted, "Huzunga!".
Soon, he had the whole tribe jumping up and down, shouting with one voice, "Huzunga!, Huzunga! Huzunga!".
He nearly wore himself out shouting his promises over the crowd screaming in such a frenzy, and he had to quit so as to save something of his voice for the next village.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, he walked over to the tribal Chief and asked him if he could inspect the cattle herd. The Chief nodded yes, but then said "When we get to the corral, do be careful to not step in the huzunga."
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
Full moon time- Today,I called to order some materials from a wholesale company that we purchase a lot of goods from. Because of a full moon, or something, a phone transaction had me looking for a Candid Camera.Phone conversation with wholesale city desk salesman:Me: I'd like to order 120 sheets of 4x10 .090 FRP panel.He: We only have 91 sheets on hand. It would be a week before we got more in.Me: I guess we'll take the 91 sheets now, and write a back-order for the rest when they come in.He: Well.... I can't sell you all of them.Me: Um...why not?He; We don't like to sell out of something, because then we'd have none to sell.Me Huh? You don't want to sell them all, so you can have some to sell?He: Yes. But I can sell you a unit of 60 today, and back-order the rest.Me: Then you'll have 31 left?He: Yes.Me: What will you do with those 31?He: Oh, we'll sell them.Me: To who?He: Well, i suppose to whoever needs them.Me: OK..... How 'bout you sell me 60 sheets, and then sell me the other 31 as well?He: Works for me. Do you want them on the same purchase order?Me: Sure. Why not. You can even send them on the same truck.He: Great. Is there anything else I can do for you? Where's the hidden camera? I came this close to asking him to put me through to Mr. Dilbert. Oof-duh!
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
It's fall (well, almost). Time again for the ever popular corn mazes.
With apologies to any blondes who don't appreciate blonde jokes. I'll explain it to you later.
Thanks guys for resurrecting this thread. Perhaps this is just what the forums need right now. Especially jokes about the strange decision management-types make. Just no jokes about insufficient handbrakes.
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A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party. But before they left home, the wife got a terrible headache, and she told her husband to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protested and said he wanted to stay with her in case she needed anything. She said she was going to take some aspirin and just go to bed and that he should just go and have a good time. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers.
The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies and large corporations. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.If you are laughing, send me your smile.If you are eating, send me a bite.If you are drinking, send me a sip.If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you." The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.Please advise."
I was traveling through Scotland and in a small town on a small bay I walked into a small pub to get a drink, inside was just two old men, one was the bartender the other was a local patron sitting at the end of the bar, I sat at the bar and ordered a beer.
As I sat there the old man at the end of the bat turned to me and scowled, "laddie, you see this bar, I built it, I put my heart and soul into it, I used the best woods in the county, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the barmaker???', NOO!!!.."
I started to say something when he continued, pointing out the window at the roof of the church across the square, "You see that roof, I built it, it will stand up to the heaviest rains, I put my heart and soul into it, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the roofbuilder???', NOO!!!.."
Then he pointed out the other window to the pier in the bay "You see that pier, I built it, I put my heart and soul into it, it will hold up to the strongest seas, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the piermaker???'.....Ohh NOOOOOO!!!! .....but ya screw ONE goat!...."
Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.
Deggesty Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
zardoz Deggesty Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true. Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.
Come, now; the nurse was not named; the admiral was guilty and should not be protected--and it really was a daffodil.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Boss lacks empathy
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. Finally, around 10:00 Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 14. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 5. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." 4. "Wow, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands." AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: "Amen"
Deggesty zardoz Deggesty Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true. Names and details were changed to protect the innocent. Come, now; the nurse was not named; the admiral was guilty and should not be protected--and it really was a daffodil.
Reader's Digest. April 1958. Page 134. Humor in Uniform.
Adapted since then to a number of other services; if you have a better or earlier source, time to spill it.
overmod:
"Reader's Digest. April 1958. Page 134. Humor in Uniform.
Adapted since then to a number of other services; if you have a better or earlier source, time to spill it."
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Yes, I remembered reading it back when I was in high school but didn't remember exactly when. Overmod, how big a library do you have, or how good a memory? The gag was also used in the British comedy movie, "Carry On, Nurse", I think in the early sixties.
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"A stranger's just a friend you ain't met yet." --- Dave Gardner
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