A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Nance-CCABW/LEI
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown
All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:Pythagorean theorem:...................................................................24 words. Lord's prayer:...................................................................................66 words. Archimedes' Principle:....................................................................67 words. 10 Commandments:....................................................................179 words. Gettysburg address:.....................................................................286 words. Declaration of Independence :................................................1,300 words. US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:............................7,818 words. US Government regulations on sale of cabbage:.............26,911 words.
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if youare able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going up north past Hayward for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
You can drive 65 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think the four major food groups are: cheese, beer, fish and venison.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You refer to the Packers as "we".
You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You can identify an Illinois accent.
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You consider Madison exotic.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow/deer next to your blue spruce.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
A brat is something you eat.
Down south to you means Chicago.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
You go out to fish fry every Friday.
You know how to polka and 2-Step.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly".
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor – Wisconsin Style." The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:
The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!
Two Illinois tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. This went on until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist said to the cute blonde behind the counter "Can you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"
The blonde leaned forward and said "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing".
Too bad the Burger King in Oconomowoc is long gone...
Current appropriate responses now are:
"Arrrbeees"
"Taaacoo Beellll"
"Kay Eff Cee"
"Cuuulveerrr's"
Mike WSOR engineer | HO scale since 1988 | Visit our club www.WCGandyDancers.com
Just For Today
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars ofthe condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
dmoore74 Just For Today Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars ofthe condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
zardoz True Wisconsinites know…
It wouldn't take too many changes to make that apply to northern New York...
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Or Northern MN Or Wyoming as I have seen it be 80 in the Day and that night get SNOW from a Blizzard in 99.
Chinooks are wonderful things.....
Any argument carried far enough will end up in Semantics--Hartz's law of rhetoric Emerald. Leemer and Southern The route of the Sceptre Express Barry
I just started my blog site...more stuff to come...
http://modeltrainswithmusic.blogspot.ca/
A railroader from a mountain region once said that,
"The best snow removal equipment is the month of May !"
- Paul North.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A well-dressed man wears a 3-piece suit, but a tired dog just pants.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
And the judge say Next case.
and the bailiff say man charged with indecent exposure
and the judge say How you plead?
and the man say Not guilty. A man gotta relieve himself from time to time.
and the judge say Thats right son, and your case is dismissed. Bailiff who's next?
and the bailiff say The young lady who was relieving him....
Tom
COAST LINE FOREVER
It is better to dwell in the corner of a roof than to share a house with a contentious woman! (Solomon)
A contentious woman is like a constant dripping! (Solomon)
I'd like to enter this NEWS STORY in the classification of
"YOU JUST CANNOT Make this stuff up, DEPARTMENT!"
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/hungry-jack-syrup-truck-spills-onto-buttermilk-pike-174159531.html
Wonder if LOCOMUTT is going to have a pancake breakfast this morning?
It wasn't worth it to drive about 100 miles to Northern, Ky. just for pancakes.........now if bacon & eggs were served along with....another story!!
Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!
I am sure you have all heard about the old, old farmer that sent his grandson to university and how when the young-in came back on the 1st spring break, the old man asked him how things were going; what he was studying.
The kid said he was taking classes in mathematics and that one of the things he had learned was the formula for the area of a circle.
The old man, being very hard of hearing, really didn't understand much of what was said, so he asked the young-in to speak up at about the time the kid got to where he was going to recite the formula. The kid then shouted into the old man's 'ear trumpet',
"Pi 'R' Squared!"
The old man went ballistic! "No no no!" he cried! I'll not pay fer such foolish larnin'! Ye'll not be goin' back to diss you-nee-verse-city! Ever'body knows, pie are ROUND, der cornbread are square!"
Well... did you know the old man also had a sweet granddaughter? She really wanted to go to college and study early American history. So she sweet talked and wheedled the old man into paying for her higher education, promising that the school she would be going to would not be teaching foolishness.
Again, on the 1st spring break, she came back to the old homestead to see the old man and to thank him for his generosity. The old man greeted her happily, but said she needed to tell him what she had learned, as he didn't want another fiasco like her brother had been at the university.
She excitedly started explaining how they had covered so much history in such a short time that they were up to studying the early pioneer days.
His hearing had not improved at all and, like before, he really didn't understand much of what she was saying, so he said, "Speak up!... I'm nearly deef, ya know! What are ye studying?"
She loudly repeated, "Pioneer".
The old man nearly exploded! "I knew that thar higher ed-ju-ka-shun was no gooder! Ye'll not be going back to that coll-ledge! "Pioneer", indeed! Ya puts pie in mouth; der ear trumpet in ear!"
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
Time to revive this old thread....
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
>
>> BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
>> BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
>> BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
>> BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
>> CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
>> CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
>> TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
>> CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
>> DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
>> DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
>> FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
>> HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
>> HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
>> INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
>> KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
>> MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
>> MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
>> MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
>> MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
>> NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
>> ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
>> ROM - Where the pope lives
>> SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
>> SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
>> SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
>> SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs.
>>
>>She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
>>As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
>>Better to be safe than.......................punch a 5th grader.
>>Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
>>It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
>>You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
>>Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
>>A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
>>You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
>>If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
>>The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
>>An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
>>Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
>>Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
>>A penny saved is........................................not much.
>>Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
>>Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
>>cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
>>Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
>>When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one heckuva time!"
Reputedly true tech support calls:
----------------
Gung-ho lieutenant calls tech support to complain about his computer shutting off unexpectedly.
It happened every time he put the computer in "official" mode.
--------------
Bank employee called the downtown main office to ask if they were having a fire. Seems there was smoke coming out of the back of their computer...
---------------
Computer user called tech support to report that their computer wasn't working. No display, nothing.
Tech support asked them to check to ensure all of the cables were connected.
"I'll have to get a flashlight."
"Dark behind the computer?"
"No, the lights are out."
Tech support asks the user if they still have the boxes the computer came in. The user replies in the affirmative, whereupon tech support tells the user to put the computer back in the boxes and return it to the vendor.
When asked what reason the user should give for returning the machine, tech support replied, "because you're too dumb to use a computer."
--------------------
Then there was the fellow who was stymied because he couldn't find the "Any" key...
I have to repost these...
Investment Advice
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But…
If you had purchased $1,000 worth of been in aluminum cans one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned the aluminum cans in for recycling – you would have $214.00!
Based on the above, the best investment plan is to drink heavily & then recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg.
Good Mileage
A recent study found that the average American walks around 900 miles per year. Another study found that on average Americans drink around 22 gallons of alcohol per year.
This means that the average American gets around 41 miles per gallon!
Dan
A Christmas Tale
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?"
"Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I sneaked into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell ina heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house
Good laugh, but be careful...I'm sure I've seen this somewhere before, and it might be copyrighted.
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
A Christmas Love Story
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and themall was packed.As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up andsee her husband was nowhere around.She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to askhim where he was.In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelrystore we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with thatdiamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I wouldget it for you one day?"The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember thatjewelry store."He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Friend of mine says the joke is not complete...
The wife replied, :"Tthat's ok, I already bought that necklace anyway...so just go ahead and have another drink, dear".
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