Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
Why dont canibals eat clowns? They taste funny!
An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island.
After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up.
Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared.
The Genie said" I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish"
The American straight away said "I want to go back home to New York"
With a wave of the Genie's hand, the American disappeared.
The Australian said "Please send me back to my home in Sydney"
"No Problem", the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappeared.
Suddenly there was a loud crash.
Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach.
The elephant picked himself up and looked around.
He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, "Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!"
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't get a lot of Kangaroos in here." Kangaroo says, "At these prices, I ain't surprised."
A recently retired couple were camping out in the woods. She said, "You know, I've been seeing some of those young girls running around without bras, and I've been thinking about trying it myself."
" Well, we're out here away from everyone, so why don't you go ahead and try it?" he answered.
She went into the camper and returned a few minutes later. "Well, what do you think?"
"Why, you're beautiful! You look twenty years younger! All the wrinkles have gone out of your face!"
_____________
"A stranger's just a friend you ain't met yet." --- Dave Gardner
For this coming rivalry Saturday (but may be amendible to your favorite team, too):
A man dressed in Chicago Maroon and Burnt Orange walks into a Charlottesville, Virginia sports bar with a small dog under his arm. He says to the bartender: "Hey, can I leave my dog here while I go the VT/UVA football game?"
"A dog in my bar? No, absolutely not."
"But He's a special dog", the VT fan says.
"In what way?", the bartender asks.
"Well, he'll watch the game on TV with you. When Virginia Tech scores
he will walk up and down the bar on his hind legs. When Virginia scores
he will walk up and down the bar on his front legs. When Virginia Tech
wins, he will do back flips all the way down the bar and back.
"Wow! "the bartender says. "That's amazing. What does he do when
Virginia wins?"
"I don't know" says the Hokie. "I've only had him seven years"
Bill
"As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing
Nance-CCABW/LEI
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown
Not the least bit improve, I would say. Who agrees?
The joke may not be repeatable here, but the punchline is good...I heard it last week for the first time in years.
"I use the spoon."
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
It was good (?) enough for Prairie Home Companion on NPR - and what about the string, too, Carl . . .
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good... How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!
So this new skydiver's making his first jump. He exits the plane, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. As he's falling he looks down and sees another guy coming UP. "HEY!!" he yells, "YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" The other guy yells back "NO! YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS GRILLS?"
"Well yes!" answered the woman.
The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"
"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"A can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Here's how I know that story, from UP THE ORGANIZATION by Robert Townsend, Knopf, New York, 1970 (LC 72-98654), pg. 154, footnote:
You remember the old story about the philosopher* who asked a beautiful socialite at a cocktail party if she would sleep with him for $5 million. She said she would. He asked, "How about $5?" She was outraged. "What do you think I am -- a wh_ r _?" "We've already established that," said the philosopher, "now I'm trying to establish your price." ["best price" in other versions]
(*Professor of Philosophy, Purchasing Agent, etc. in other versions)
- Paul North.
CelibacyWhat is Celibacy?Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed bycircumstances.While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to theinstructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know thethings that are important to each other.He then addressed the men.Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Herding Instinct
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
Saw this on a Canadian RR forum several days before the recent VIA wreck, so I held off until now.
First poster: "several cars jumped the tracks at Somewhere, ON."
First reply: "that's the Crew's version, Management will say they were pushed!"
Bruce
So shovel the coal, let this rattler roll.
"A Train is a Place Going Somewhere" CP Rail Public Timetable
"O. S. Irricana"
. . . __ . ______
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.
Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.Years of development: We finally got one that works.Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.Improved: Didn't work the first time.Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a 31 day March!
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
Semper Vaporo Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a 31 day March!
Well, DUH! They bring pilgrims!
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