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And, for the steamers: 1. Forget your "Sweeney" stack, get a "swinger" stack 2. Spinner set of Walschearts Valve Gear 3. Chrome plated smokebox interior (useless ostentation at its finest) 4. When it comes to controls, purple and green are the new red! 5. Gold-plated safety chains around the engineer's neck 6. Replace headlight with searchlight (the light, not the signal), and install nuclear fission dynamo 7. If you think long enough, you'll understand painting the Rock Island's initials on the tenders 8. Replace equalizing hangers with "equalizing hang loosers" 9. Replace all pony trucks with "dawg" trucks 10. Un-counterbalance, to make added "impact," figuratively and literally 11. Hook up microphone to speakers, broadcasting whistle even louder than it already is 12. Replace builder's plate with vanity plate saying "LOCO 1" 13. Stretch locomotive into Beyer-Garret, and add side ditch lights 14. Put smoke machine under exhaust nozzle, and add feature to sand flues continuously 15. Install three more petticoat pipes, because to the layman it sounds "interesting" 16. Keep "equalizing reservoir" until you're number one, then throw it away 17. The Main Track is YOURS--who needs Rule 6.13? 18. Make it an oil burner, so you can have not one, but two "super heaters" 19. Tamper with safety valves because "You don't fear death" 20. Replace seat boxes with LaZ-Boy recliners 21. Cast and install trust plates in your own name Sincerely, Daniel Parks
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