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Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday." ---------------------------------------------------------------- <A class="" name="There once was a rich man who was near death."></A>There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "Why did you bring paving stones?" ------------------------------------------------- And a railroad related one (sort of): <DIV style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-STYLE: italic; TEXT-ALIGN: left">TO ALL UNION PACIFIC  NEW HIRES </DIV> Welcome to your new life as a UP object.  Please read this Updated Employee Handbook immediately. DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing new Red Wing boots & carrying a $600 Gucci grip, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you work for the railroad, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive the contractually allotted personal days.  Approval for taking these days is left to managers who do not get personal days.  You may apply for personal days at any time. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:  Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25, except for everyone else. (Forget it. You're a new hire, vacation isn't something you need concern yourself with at this time.) BEREAVEMENT   LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for off time, as long as no one else has to work overtime.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided all of the work is done and we have enough people to fill the next shift, without paying overtime, or no one misses call. ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, by shift.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  We hope your career with the Union Pacific will profit us. Oh, and you, too. Or not. Have a nice week. Your friends at UP Management
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