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When in the Course of Thanksgiving events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the gravy which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the oven, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of cookery and of Emeril Lassase entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the reason TURKEY must be served. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men must eat TURKEY on Thanksgiving, that they are endowed by their wives with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are turkey, football and the pursuit of leftovers thereof. --That to secure these rights, utensils are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the hungry, --That whenever any Form of Hungar becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Turkey laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Traditions long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Hams are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of hams, pizza and other non-traditional foods, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such sustiance, and to provide new TURKEYS for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Turkeys; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Cooking. The history of the present POLL is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. TURKEY UBER ALLIS!
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