The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:20 AM

This is not exactly politically correct, but it was told to me by a Jewish friend.

Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:54 AM

think  I've heard it, coming from New Jersey as I do you hear everything, but I don't remember the punch-line.

As to "political correctness," just remember the old truism about jokes.  For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!  

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Posted by tree68 on Saturday, June 20, 2020 2:46 PM

Flintlock76
For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!  

It's usually true for legends, too...

 

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Overmod on Saturday, June 20, 2020 2:57 PM

Lithonia Operator
Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?

Because they so, so soooo want to.

In an alternative version: Because the Eternal is merciful.

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Saturday, June 20, 2020 5:23 PM

OM nailed it.

But I usually just say, "Because they want to."

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, July 29, 2020 5:15 PM

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.

And the plural of cat is cats and not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim, So English, I fancy you will all agree, Is the funniest language you ever did see.

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Wednesday, July 29, 2020 7:57 PM

zardoz
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

But some folks think the plural of spouse is spice.

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Posted by Overmod on Thursday, August 27, 2020 5:54 AM

Don't you hate it when people bang on your door and then argue that you have to be 'saved' or else you'll burn?

I don't think there is any place for religion in the damn fire service!  Now leave me alone and let me get back to sleep...

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Posted by 54light15 on Thursday, August 27, 2020 9:29 AM

Overmod, that's brilliant! 

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Posted by Overmod on Thursday, August 27, 2020 11:47 AM

54light15
Overmod, that's brilliant!

I only improved the punchline slightly; the idea was from one of the guys in the aneutronic-fusion community, and I thought it was too good not to pass along.

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Posted by Overmod on Friday, August 28, 2020 3:25 AM

Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead.  Why?

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Posted by Leo_Ames on Friday, August 28, 2020 4:52 AM

I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)

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Posted by Overmod on Friday, August 28, 2020 5:06 AM

Leo_Ames
I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)

It takes a great deal of work to have the grammar work out right.  I'm betting Erik has the national heritage to figure it out...

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, August 28, 2020 7:07 AM

It is a groaner...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
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Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Paul Milenkovic on Friday, August 28, 2020 11:39 AM

Overmod

Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead.  Why?

 

So they can scan the navy in without teaching the port master how to read?

If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?
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Posted by tree68 on Friday, August 28, 2020 11:48 AM

Paul Milenkovic
So they can Scandinavian...

Smile, Wink & Grin

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
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Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by mvlandsw on Friday, August 28, 2020 1:35 PM
 
Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test  . . . 
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. 
Then drink it.  If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. 
I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. 
I'll report my results later. 
                            Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy

 

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Posted by ruderunner on Sunday, August 30, 2020 6:15 AM

saw this quote the other day...

 

There's 2 types of countries in this world,  

Those that have put man on the moon, 

And those that use the metric system. 

Modeling the Cleveland and Pittsburgh during the PennCentral era starting on the Cleveland lakefront and ending in Mingo junction

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Posted by MikeInPlano on Sunday, August 30, 2020 7:55 AM

mvlandsw
 
Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test  . . . 
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. 
Then drink it.  If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. 
I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. 
I'll report my results later. 
                            Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy

 

 

The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention. 

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Posted by MikeInPlano on Sunday, August 30, 2020 7:57 AM

Overmod

 

 
54light15
Overmod- I built both Hubley Duesenberg kits and I have to say, that mine are museum-worthy! Not bragging, they are impressive to everyone that sees them and mine are better than any others that I've ever seen.

 

I am again reminded of the oldSmile foamer line: "Pictures -- or it never happened."  Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder.  (And make it lots of detail beauty shots, in focus, with good saturation...)

 

Correction - beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, especially at last call. 

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Posted by Overmod on Monday, August 31, 2020 12:28 AM

MikeInPlano
The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention. 

158 proof alcohol is ideal denaturing strength for SARS-CoV-2.  Pretty close to Bacardi 161...

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Posted by York1 on Friday, September 4, 2020 4:00 PM

I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day.  He seemed like a nice guy.

After a few minutes, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.

I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

York1 John       

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