The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Wednesday, April 1, 2020 9:23 PM

Old man: "Are you married?"
Young man: "No, I'm single".
Old man: "So what do you do for aggravation?"

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Monday, April 27, 2020 12:29 PM

 

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel
An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel
A realist sees a train at the other end of the tunnel
An engineer sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

 

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Posted by Overmod on Monday, April 27, 2020 12:50 PM

54light15
Overmod- I built both Hubley Duesenberg kits and I have to say, that mine are museum-worthy! Not bragging, they are impressive to everyone that sees them and mine are better than any others that I've ever seen.

I am again reminded of the oldSmile foamer line: "Pictures -- or it never happened."  Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder.  (And make it lots of detail beauty shots, in focus, with good saturation...)

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Posted by 54light15 on Monday, April 27, 2020 2:35 PM

I would post pictures of those models if I had a clue how to do it. Doing something lika that normally makes my brain sting. 

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Posted by tree68 on Monday, April 27, 2020 4:55 PM

54light15

I would post pictures of those models if I had a clue how to do it. Doing something lika that normally makes my brain sting. 

Generally, it requires a site to host the images - one of the photo share sites, f'rinstance.

If it's a generic thing you can find an picture of online, right click on the image.  You'll usually see something like "copy image address."  Click on that.  

Use the image icon on the toolbar above the typing area (second box from the left, middle icon) and load the address there.

If it's not your image (as it would be if you uploaded a picture you took to an image sharing site), be sure to attribute it so as not to run afoul of copyright issues.

LarryWhistling
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Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
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Posted by Overmod on Monday, April 27, 2020 6:17 PM

Save the pictures in .jpg or .jpeg format on your desktop -- you might want to make several at different resolutions.  Name them something comprehensible; definitely don't leave them with the 'digital camera' folder and image numbers

Here is sign-in for one of the more popular Web picture hosting sites:

https://identity.flickr.com/sign-up

They will give you instructions and probably technical and 'forum' support for posting images.  Don't be afraid to use a fake name and some 'burner' free e-mail account (like gmail) if you are concerned about 'identity harvesting'.

After you sign up (and confirm the e-mail) ... follow their instructions to upload the chosen pictures.  Putting them on the desktop makes them easy to find on the computer as you do that.

Keep in mind that you may not be able to 'live-link' hosted images using the little image tool or BBcode image tags as in other posts over the years on how to get Web images onto forum pages.  Just copy the URL from the browser when you have each uploaded image inside the program, and paste that into a post.

We'll be watching.

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, May 21, 2020 12:26 AM

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Thursday, May 21, 2020 12:03 PM

zardoz

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

 

Laugh I read that in George Carlin's voice.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by charlie hebdo on Thursday, May 21, 2020 12:32 PM

+1

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Friday, May 22, 2020 11:55 AM

zardoz

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

 

Big Smile Love it!

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Posted by Overmod on Friday, May 22, 2020 2:59 PM

It's 1917.  A Spoonerism and Woodrow Wilson balk into a war...

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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, May 22, 2020 7:40 PM

The one I remember is, "Mardon me, Padam, but you are occupewing my pie."

This one is said to be apocryphal, and Dr. Spooner did not utter it, but that he did say, from the pulpit, "Kinkering Kongs Their Titles Take."

Johnny

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Posted by samfp1943 on Thursday, June 4, 2020 10:44 PM

Been watching the news today...Not too many trains today...4 EB IM's and a WB IM. Sigh.. No need to mention the news...SSSHHEESSH!   Grumpy

  The thought crossed my mind...The people in Canada must be beginning to feel like they are living one floor above a meth lab???  Bang Head

 

 


 

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Saturday, June 6, 2020 7:18 PM

Why should you never trust a train?

 

Because they have loco motives.

 

 

Why are steam engine engineers always so grumpy?

 

Because they have a tender behind.

 

 

What clothing does a house wear?

 

A dress.

 

 

What weather condition was named after an Indian tribe?

 

A patchy fog.

 

 

This is called "groan" up humor!

 

 

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by zugmann on Saturday, June 6, 2020 7:23 PM

They reopened the LEGO stores today.  It was a real big deal - people were lined up for blocks!

 The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer or any other railroad, company, or person.

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Posted by tree68 on Saturday, June 6, 2020 8:29 PM

Semper Vaporo
This is called "groan" up humor!

Punishing...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
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Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, June 6, 2020 8:39 PM

We have "patchy fog" from time to time; it must have come way north, since this is Ute territory.

Johnny

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Posted by Kmaster2007 on Sunday, June 7, 2020 3:43 PM

dad who works in trucking industry: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: locomotive engineer

Dad: SoapBox

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Posted by Overmod on Monday, June 8, 2020 12:47 PM

How do you get down off a locomotive?

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Monday, June 8, 2020 1:10 PM

Overmod

How do you get down off a locomotive?

You don't get down off a locomotive, you get down off a goose!

Jeez, even know that!  Wink

 

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Posted by Overmod on Monday, June 8, 2020 1:24 PM

We had to get away from the groaner tendency, and quick!

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Posted by 54light15 on Thursday, June 11, 2020 6:55 PM

this was on the Yahoo news feed. so it's political, I still think it's funny:

Here's some "history" for ya: If Trump had been the Captain of the Titanic; this would be the record of his pronouncements. - There isn't any iceberg - It’s a fake iceberg - There was an iceberg but, it's in a totally different ocean - Many people are saying it's the biggest iceberg - The iceberg is in this ocean, but it will melt very soon - There is an iceberg, but we didn't hit the iceberg - We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly - I knew from the begining there was an iceberg, long before people called it an iceberg - The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg - We are taking on water, but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats - Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them - We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors - Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats - I really don't think we need that many lifeboats - We have lifeboats, but, they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats - The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship - Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg - I'm an expert on icebergs, I've got lots of friends who deal with icebergs, some of the best, really good ice people who know ice - Summer will come and the iceberg will disappear, it will go away, you watch. 

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Thursday, June 11, 2020 8:06 PM

Well, in that vein...

An ocean liner was sinking, and an old lady yelled "The boat's sinking!  Everybody pray!"

A shaken man standing next to her said, "Ma'am, I don't know how to pray, can we do something else religious?"

The old lady's face lit up. "Sure we can!  OK everybody, listen up!  We're starting a BINGO GAME!"  

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 3:55 PM

54light15
this was on the Yahoo news feed. so it's political, I still think it's funny:

Excellent! You've re-inspired me.

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

 

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:07 PM

 

  • The city landfill was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.
  • The nurse wound the crepe bandage around the wound.
  • Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • Chloe was too close to the door to close it.
  • When Ted saw the tear in the painting he shed a tear.
  • How can I intimate my thoughts to my most intimate friend?
  • Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.
  • In terms of weight lead is in the lead.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
  • Why do our noses run but our feet smell?
  • I did not object to the object.
  • Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.
  • The market garden was designed to produce produce.
  • Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?
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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:11 PM

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:22 PM

The sun's rays illuminated the old barn as it was razed so a new one could be raised.

- PDN. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by BaltACD on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:29 PM

As told by a Bot

zardoz
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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Posted by Paul Milenkovic on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 7:03 PM

There is a wealthy man who never regularly attended services of the faith tradition in which he was raised let along contributed money comensurate with his wealth to support the congregation, but he approaches his faith leader and begs, "You have to help me, Most Reverend, I think my wife is trying to poison me."

"Why would you think a crazy idea like that?"  

"My wife was always telling me what I can and cannot eat in scolding tones, but lately, she has been feeding me cake every day and in a gentle voice encouraging me to partake of it.  Since then I have felt terrible -- headaches, terrible stomach cramps, I cannot think nor walk straight anymore, I think she is putting arsenic in the cake to slowly poison me!"

"Friend, your wife is offering you a kindness by serving you cake, and this is how you react?  This kind of thing only happens in movies of the kind you should not be watching anyway as they are morally corrosive."

"What do I do, I am at my wits end?  Please, please, I know I haven't attended services or support the congregation financially, but I that will change, but please help me!"

"OK, OK, I will meet with your wife to get her explanation that will certainly clear up this petty misunderstanding, and then I will report to you what I find."

A couple weeks later, the man meets with the spiritual leader who tells him, "Friend, eat the cake."

If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?
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Posted by Flintlock76 on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 9:41 PM

This is a classic from the Soupy Sales joke book:

A flying saucer circles New York City and then lands in Central Park.  Everyone runs screaming in terror except for a tough Jewish cop who didn't scare easily.

He walks up to the saucer just as the ramp lowers and the little green men are coming out.  To his amazement, they're all wearing yarmulkes!

"Holy smoke!" he says to one, "Do all you guys wear yarmulkes?"

"No," says the alien, "Just the Orthodox!"

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