The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by tree68 on Monday, January 6, 2020 7:56 PM

Then there was the fellow who tried eating vichyssoise in the rain at a sidewalk cafe...

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 7:58 PM

A man who had asked for soup in a restaurant took one look at the soup after the waiter brought it to him and immediatley yelled at the waiter, "THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP!"

The waiter's response was, "Please don't yell; everybody else will want a fly."

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:04 PM

zardoz

 

 
Deggesty

A young man was out driving with his girl friend. She said, sternly, "Use both hands!" He replied, "I can't; I need one to steer."

 

 

 

I gotta stop drinking coffee when I read some of these...

 

 

Zardoz, thank you. That joke is almost as old as I am. It, along with many more that I wish I could remember, was in a magazine published for boys (The American Boy) that ceased publication in 1941. My brothers had saved almost all of the issues they had received, and I enjoyed reading the stories, articles, and jokes that were published.

Another one: He--"I don't see what keeps you girls warm in the winter". She--"You are not supposed to."

Johnny

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:14 PM

As to milk in glass bottles, for a time we took delivery on such from a small dairy, It was neither pasteurized nor homogenized, and could sit in the sun a while. Then we changed to a much larger dairy which processed the milk "properly"--and we had to bring the milk in early.

In college, we still received milk in bottles, and it was served at breakfast and the evening meal. If I emptied a bottle in the evening, I would hold it over my glass and squeeze it as though I were getting the last drop out--and one evening, the boy sitting next to me reached over and made the motions of stripping a cow (I thanked him for that).

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:15 PM

Miningman
In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans.

   That reminds me:

   When I was a kid in Honduras, before 1952 when we moved here, the milk was delivered by mule cart.  The mules had different personalities.  One didn't want move--they had to yell and pull and poke him to get him to start.  Another one never wanted to stop--they would chase him down the street.

  Then there was the one that appreciated music.  There was a club with a live band about two blocks around the corner from our house.  One day he was standing in front of our house when the band started playing.  He immediately took off at a trot toward the club with the crew chasing after him.

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:30 PM

   I had to go back to the last page to figure out how we got to subject of milk.

________

   Another variation on "fly in the soup":

  " Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"

   "Looks like the backstroke, sir."

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by tree68 on Monday, January 6, 2020 9:32 PM

Paul of Covington
When I was a kid in Honduras, before 1952 when we moved here, the milk was delivered by mule cart. 

And then there's the legendary fire horses whose second career was with a milk wagon, which was OK until they heard an alarm...

As an aside, many of the horses did actually learn the alarms to which they were normally going to respond.

And speaking of firehouses, one of the mascots in a Chicago firehouse had the uncanny ability to foretell an alarm.  Or so they thought.  At the time, there was a speaker in each firehouse over which the dispatch announced the alarm.  Normally the circuit for each station's speaker was off, to be turned on when it came time to send out a company.

Turns out the dog wasn't prescient at all - it heard the "pop" as the speaker was connected and would be running for the trucks before the dispatcher started to announce the alarm.

I had a dog that recognized our pager tones (the scanner is always on).  She didn't do anything more than get out of the way.  A friend had two pups who knew that when that department's tones came over the radio it was time to head for their kennels.

LarryWhistling
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Posted by 54light15 on Monday, January 6, 2020 9:37 PM

I was walking down the street and a man said to me that he hadn't had a bite for three days. I said, "So?'

I was walking down the street and a man asked me, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" I said, "I dunno."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse says, "Becasue I'm a horse you idiot!" 

"I just flew in from Vegas and boy was that airplane comfortable!"

thank you very much. 

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, January 7, 2020 11:57 AM

.

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Tuesday, January 7, 2020 3:05 PM

A man's spouse did not like the vegetable with her dinner in the diner. He implored a stranger, "Take my wife's...peas."

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Thursday, January 9, 2020 12:39 PM

So Farmer Joe was out in the field with a bucket of white paint and a brush and painting "COW" on the sides of his herd.

"Whatcha doin' that for Joe?" a passing neighbor asked.

"Well ya know huntin' season's comin' up."

"Oh yeah, good idea.  But why'd you paint "COW" on that one, that ain't a cow, it's a bull!"

"No point in confusin' them city-slickers!"

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Thursday, January 9, 2020 1:23 PM

   Reminds me of a cartoon I saw many years ago.  A farmer is painting targets on the sides of his cows.  He explains to a passerby, "Them hunters can't hit anything they aim at."

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Posted by 54light15 on Thursday, January 9, 2020 1:33 PM

So my wife wanted to go on vacation, she said she wanted to go someplace she'd never been before. So I says to her, "Try the shower." 

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Thursday, January 9, 2020 2:19 PM

Surprise  Tongue Tied  Ick!

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Thursday, January 9, 2020 3:07 PM

54light15

So my wife wanted to go on vacation, she said she wanted to go someplace she'd never been before. So I says to her, "Try the shower." 

 

Whoa. Are you sure you didn't mean to say ex-wife?!?

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Posted by 54light15 on Friday, January 10, 2020 9:45 AM

Yep. Glad she's long gone. So long, beeyotch! 

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