The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[Murphy Siding]

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

[BaltACD]

Murphy Siding

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

Nothing suspicious about that - was the carpet heavy and lumpy?

[Murphy Siding]

BaltACD

 

 

Murphy Siding

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

 

 

Nothing suspicious about that - was the carpet heavy and lumpy?

 

No moreso than her husband.

[zardoz]

A turkey farmer wanted to genetically engineer the perfect turkey for his family's holiday meal. His turkeys were already delicious but there was one big problem: not enough drumsticks.

He was tired of all the fighting over the holiday table, so he decided to do something about it.

He spent years trying to selectively breed a turkey that would have enough drumsticks to go around. It became an obsession—he gave up socializing and became something of a hermit and a running joke in the town.

After several years of increasingly reclusive behavior, the other farmers were shocked when he turned up at their local watering hole.

"Well?!" they asked him, en masse. "I did it!" said the turkey farmer, "I bred one that has 6 legs!"

"Wow!" "Congratulations!" "We knew you'd pull it off!"

The bartender said, "That's great, but we have to ask: How did it taste?"

"I don't know . . ." said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

 

Credit cartalk.com for this gem.

[zardoz]

Why is it that steam locomotives can't sit down?

Because they have a tender behind.

[zardoz]

The newspaper published a story saying that one-half of Congress were crooks. 
The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology. 

The newspaper responded the next day with an apology, and reported that one-half of Congress were not crooks.

[zardoz]

Q: How is Christmas like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A college football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.

The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!"

The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.

While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!"

The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

[Lithonia Operator]

The totally exasperated high school football player gets right in a player's face and screams, "What the #u©k is it with you, kid? Is it ignorance, or is it apathy?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."

[Miningman]

A wee bit of levity to start the year.

Patient: Give it to me straight, Doc.

Doctor: Well, I'm afraid you've got Tom Jones Disease.

Patient: Tom Jones Disease? I've never heard of it. Is it common?

Doctor: Well, it's not unusual.

[Flintlock76]

I saw a wino eating a bunch of grapes.

Turns out he had no patience.

[Deggesty]

The young man was talking with his lady friend: "Do you like Kipling?"

She replied, "I don't know; how do you kipple?"

[Overmod]

Deggesty

The young man was talking with his lady friend: "Do you like Kipling?"

She replied, "I don't know; how do you kipple?"

Reminds me of the joke about the midwestern ladies' literary club who had brought in a professor to lecture on the poetry of Keats.  The lady making the introduction said "and now we will hear the answer to a question I'm sure many of us have had: exactly what are 'Keats'?

[Deggesty]

A young man was out driving with his girl friend. She said, sternly, "Use both hands!" He replied, "I can't; I need one to steer."

[Flintlock76]

So two drunks are staggering up Lexington Avenue in New York City.  One rolls down a subway entrance while the other keeps walking.  A few blocks later, the first walks past a another subway entrance while his buddy staggers up.

"Hey!" says the first, "Where YOU been?"

"Down in some guys basement.  Good Lord, you should see the Lionel set HE'S got!" 

[tree68]

Flintlock76

So two drunks are staggering up Lexington Avenue in New York City.  One rolls down a subway entrance while the other keeps walking.  A few blocks later, the first walks past a another subway entrance while his buddy staggers up.

"Hey!" says the first, "Where YOU been?"

"Down in some guys basement.  Good Lord, you should see the Lionel set HE'S got!" 

[54light15]

A priest, a minster and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?' 

A guy walks into a bar with a pig on his head. The Bartender says, "Where'd you get him" The pig says, "At the fair."

A guy walks into a resturant and asks the waiter, "Do you serve crabs?" the waiter says, "This is a shoe store, we don't serve food." 

A guy orders a bowl of soup and says to the waiter "What's this fly doing in my soup?" The waiter says, "You ordered fly broth, that meat will cost you extra."

I'll stop now. 

[54light15]

Zardoz- I worked in a boiler room for many years. There was a guy there who made a joke about his grandma and a wringer washer. He said, "you don't know what a wringer washer is, do you, young fella?" I said, "Jack, I know what a wringer washer is. We did not have one. The furnace did not burn coal and our car didn't have running boards. The milkman didn't come to our house. Times sure change, huh Jack?"  He didn't talk to me for at least a week after that. 

[zardoz]

Deggesty

A young man was out driving with his girl friend. She said, sternly, "Use both hands!" He replied, "I can't; I need one to steer."

 

I gotta stop drinking coffee when I read some of these...

[zardoz]

54light15

The milkman didn't come to our house.

I remember the milkman coming to our house. He usually did our street right around lunch hour. I'd come home from school for lunch, see the milkman, next thing you know my parents, unbeknownst to them, just purchased two quarts of chocolate milk.It was in glass bottles--yum!

[zardoz]

tree68

 

 

Flintlock76

So two drunks are staggering up Lexington Avenue in New York City.  One rolls down a subway entrance while the other keeps walking.  A few blocks later, the first walks past a another subway entrance while his buddy staggers up.

"Hey!" says the first, "Where YOU been?"

"Down in some guys basement.  Good Lord, you should see the Lionel set HE'S got!" 

 

 

 

+2

[Lithonia Operator]

54light15

A guy walks into a resturant and asks the waiter, "Do you serve crabs?" the waiter says, "This is a shoe store, we don't serve food."

 ???

I think I get the basic gag (but maybe not), but are you sure that's how that goes?

[ChuckCobleigh]

zardoz

I remember the milkman coming to our house.

What I remember was my Pop getting up before dawn and walking to the milk shed and getting the day's milk from the cow (Reddie) and bringing it back and pouring it into the bottles through a cheese cloth. When I was about five or six, he sold the cow and we started getting our milk in town at the store. I think my Mom missed having her fresh cream for the coffee every morning, though.

[Electroliner 1935]

My memory is of the round bottles that would be put on our porch and in the winter, having the cream freeze and push up the cap. I got to put some sugar on it and walla, ICE CREAM. 

[tree68]

zardoz

I remember the milkman coming to our house.

We had a milk man for a while when we moved into the village.  In fact, our new house had a small compartment next to the door where the milk could go.  Unfortunately, it wouldn't hold gallon bottles, which is how we usually got milk.  In fact, I'm not sure it would hold half gallons.  So we had an insulated box on the back (side) porch.

I had a morning paper route and regularly saw the milkman pulling out of his starting place, dripping down the road (melted ice).

[Miningman]

In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans. They were not replaced until 1961! I remember well when a horse had one leg stuck down an open man hole on our street. Hard to believe nowadays relating that story. Stoney Creek Dairy. 

They were famous for sundaes, banana splits and all that at their dairy delivered to your car. Everyone in Hamilton had a big plastic round tray proudly stamped ' Stolen from the Stoney Creek Dairy'. 

[54light15]

In Toronto there is a company called Back Motor Bodies that makes truck bodies, mainly cube vans. In the lobby of the company when I was there, was a photo of a milk truck they made in 1938. It had a rivetted metal body, steel wheels, pneumatic tires, headlights and a windshield wiper. It had a one horse horse in between two shafts with the throttle reins going back into the cab. 

[BaltACD]

Miningman

In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans. They were not replaced until 1961! I remember well when a horse had one leg stuck down an open man hole on our street. Hard to believe nowadays relating that story. Stoney Creek Dairy. 

They were famous for sundaes, banana splits and all that at their dairy delivered to your car. Everyone in Hamilton had a big plastic round tray proudly stamped ' Stolen from the Stoney Creek Dairy'. 

Elsie the Cow files for bankruptcy.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/06/business/borden-dairy-bankruptcy/index.html

[Flintlock76]

BaltACD

 

 

Miningman

In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans. They were not replaced until 1961! I remember well when a horse had one leg stuck down an open man hole on our street. Hard to believe nowadays relating that story. Stoney Creek Dairy. 

They were famous for sundaes, banana splits and all that at their dairy delivered to your car. Everyone in Hamilton had a big plastic round tray proudly stamped ' Stolen from the Stoney Creek Dairy'. 

 

 

Elsie the Cow files for bankruptcy.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/06/business/borden-dairy-bankruptcy/index.html

 

Lady Firestorm says it's the fault of all those lame-a$$es drinking artificial milk instead of the real stuff!

She was a milkman's daughter, don't ya know? 

[Semper Vaporo]

First of all...  This is the humor thread and THAT (the Borden bankruptcy) AIN'T FUNNY!

2nd, I blame the medical community.  I was told to NOT drink milk, "it is good for very young children, but not adults", or so said my PCP.

Then I was told I need to take a calcium supliment to improve my bone structure.

HOG WASH!  (and I told her so!).

I remember getting milk from both Borden and Polk on every other day... even had two insulated boxes on the porch to put the 3 half-gallon glass bottles in.  Us kids had milk with just about every meal.  Good stuff!  (And good for you!)

 

[Deggesty]

A man who had asked for soup in a restaurant took one look at the soup after the waiter brought it to him and immediatley yelled at the waiter, "THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP!"

The waiter's response was, "Please don't yell; everybody else will want one."