The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[Murphy Siding]

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

[BaltACD]

Murphy Siding

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

Nothing suspicious about that - was the carpet heavy and lumpy?

[Murphy Siding]

BaltACD

 

 

Murphy Siding

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

 

 

Nothing suspicious about that - was the carpet heavy and lumpy?

 

No moreso than her husband.

[zardoz]

A turkey farmer wanted to genetically engineer the perfect turkey for his family's holiday meal. His turkeys were already delicious but there was one big problem: not enough drumsticks.

He was tired of all the fighting over the holiday table, so he decided to do something about it.

He spent years trying to selectively breed a turkey that would have enough drumsticks to go around. It became an obsession—he gave up socializing and became something of a hermit and a running joke in the town.

After several years of increasingly reclusive behavior, the other farmers were shocked when he turned up at their local watering hole.

"Well?!" they asked him, en masse. "I did it!" said the turkey farmer, "I bred one that has 6 legs!"

"Wow!" "Congratulations!" "We knew you'd pull it off!"

The bartender said, "That's great, but we have to ask: How did it taste?"

"I don't know . . ." said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

 

Credit cartalk.com for this gem.

[zardoz]

Why is it that steam locomotives can't sit down?

Because they have a tender behind.

[zardoz]

The newspaper published a story saying that one-half of Congress were crooks. 
The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology. 

The newspaper responded the next day with an apology, and reported that one-half of Congress were not crooks.

[zardoz]

Q: How is Christmas like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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A college football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

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Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

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A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.

The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!"

The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.

While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!"

The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

[Lithonia Operator]

The totally exasperated high school football player gets right in a player's face and screams, "What the #u©k is it with you, kid? Is it ignorance, or is it apathy?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."