The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:38 PM

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me...

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:56 PM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." 

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:50 AM

   On the importance of understanding grammar, spelling and punctuation:

OOPS

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   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Tuesday, May 29, 2018 7:49 PM

When I retired several years ago I was concerned that without the pressures of a job I might need something to help keep my mind active.
 
I have tried computer games, but they get old after a while... I mean, you can only play Minesweeper just so many times!
 
I tried doing some computer programming and have written a few programs, but the needs to do so just are not there as I cannot find anything of interest to code a program to do.
 
I have done a few special Excel spreadsheets for a budget and income tracking, but that is now just a fill in the blanks type of thing and not very challenging.
 
Sudoku has become ho-hum, especially since I wrote an Excel spreadsheet to solve them for me.
 
Crossword puzzles have gotten boring as they all seem to have the same silly clues for the same obscure words.
 
A month or so ago I decided I really needed something else, so I bought a jigsaw puzzle (of a train, what else?) that indicated it was quite difficult to do.  I am very proud to announce that in only two weeks I have managed to assemble the jigsaw puzzle, and that assembly time is quite a bit better than the time indicated on the box... it listed "3 to 5 years".
 
Since I did so well with that one that I decided to get a couple more to do.
 
The first one indicates on the box that it is a drawing of a large rooster, but when I spread the pieces out on the table I realized I have no idea where to start with this one.  I can find no edge pieces and all the colors are just a dull redish brown.
 
I called a friend of mine to come over to take a look to see if maybe he could get me started somehow.  He took one look and went to the kitchen and got a bowl and a spoon, some sugar and milk.  He then proceeded to scrape some of the puzzle pieces off the table and into the bowl, sprinkled on some sugar and then doused them with a portion of milk.  Then he ATE them!  Just before he left, he said that if I would put the remaining pieces back in the box he'd come back again tomorrow for more breakfast.
 
Because he ruined that puzzle, I don't think I will invite him over to work on the puzzle with the picture of the tiger on the box.
  

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 7, 2018 5:07 PM

A passenger train is creeping slowly along. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

“What’s going on?” she yells out of the window.

”Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace but within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking past again.She leans out of the window and yells “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow?”

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 7, 2018 5:14 PM

Passenger: “What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?”

Conductor: “How would we know if we're late, if we didn’t have a schedule?”

 

 

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 7, 2018 5:21 PM

You might be a railfan if…

* You’ve been questioned more than once by the police asking, “What are you doing parked by the tracks?”

* The crossing lights start flashing in your review mirror and you make a “U” turn to be first in line at the grade crossing.

* You time your errands around town based on the train schedule to spot trains and get groceries.

* While stopped at a RR Crossing for a long train, the other drivers are swearing and shaking their fists, but you’re smiling and waving at the engineer & conductor.

* You’re in your car and you come up to a railroad crossing. The crossing lights are not flashing and no trains are coming, but you slow to a crawl and look up the track both ways in hope of seeing a train.

* You find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when you’re watching old cop shows and movies on TV.

* People look at you funny as they drive by while you are standing out in the middle of nowhere by a railroad track with a tripod and a camera.

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Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, August 7, 2018 8:45 PM

Hey, I thought this was a humor thread...I resemble most of these, and don't think they're funny!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by Shadow the Cats owner on Tuesday, August 7, 2018 9:43 PM

This one is from my hubby and should show the humor he had to keep when dealing with some of the many people that made his days way back when Hell. Now remember he was an OTR driver so nothing is railroad related.  

 

You know you're going to have a bad day at the Banning scale house when you pull into it the scalemaster goes around back and hands you a tube of vasoline and says relax.

 

You're delivery schedule is blown up when you pull into the Tyson plant and they go your chicken is still at the farmers barn 200 miles away and your wanted in California in 40 hours. 

 

Time to get a hotel for the night when you hear on the CB radio well that's going to leave a mark you ask what happened and find out a fuel tanker and LOX tanker played bumper cars ruptured both and the road is closed for 40 miles.  

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, August 8, 2018 10:48 AM

CShaveRR
...I resemble most of these...,

Thumbs Up

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, August 15, 2018 2:35 PM

A Priest and a Rabbi buy a new car together. The Priest splashes the car with holy water; the Rabbi asks why. Priest says "to bless our new car". So the Rabbi cuts 2" off the tailpipe.

====================================================

Two blonde women were talking; one says, "I had sex with a Brazillian". The other says, "Wow! How many is that?"

====================================================

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office wrapped only in Saran Wrap. The doc says, "Quite clearly I can see you're nuts".

====================================================

The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 14, 2018 11:48 AM

Two atoms meet on the street. One says to the other, “How are you?”
The other says, “Terrible. I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m positive.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" 
The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge."

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 14, 2018 11:51 AM

Q: What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky.

==========================================

Q. Why should you never start a conversation with Pi?
A. It'll just go on forever.

==========================================

Q. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
A. Sir Cumference. (Too much Pi.) 

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 14, 2018 12:28 PM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm, controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer ... easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little bastard's name is Charlie."

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Posted by zugmann on Friday, September 14, 2018 12:54 PM

I was behind a man at the ATM.  The whole time while at the machine, he was standing on one foot, wildly flailing his arms.  When asked what he was doing, he replied:  "I'm just checking my balance!"

 

I'll show myself out.

 The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer or any other railroad, company, or person.

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, September 14, 2018 6:22 PM

I called the Tinnitus hotline.  It just kept ringing...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, September 15, 2018 9:10 AM

A Sweet Young Thing and a Big Man on Campus are out for a drive.

SYT: "Use both hands!"

BMOC: I can't; I need one to drive."

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, December 24, 2018 3:05 PM

Bob was homeless. He was living in a pile of old cardboard boxes near the beach. One day, he was trudging along the beach, and he stubbed his toe on something hard. He reached down and saw that it was an ancient brass lamp. He picked it up and started to brush it off when, POOF! out popped a genie.

"I have been trapped in that lamp since the age of Hamurabi," the genie said in a stentorian voice. "To thank you for letting me out, I'll grant you three wishes. Use them wisely!" 
POOF! The genie was gone.

"I must be seeing things" thought Bob. So he tossed the lamp in his bag and trudged back towards his encampment. 

When he saw the pile of cardboard boxes he called home, he mumbled to himself--no doubt for the thousandth time, "I wish I had a nice home." 

POOF! The boxes disappeared and were replaced by a rambling mansion terraced into the hillside above the beach. Bob looked down and saw a key in his hand. He walked in and stuffed himself from the well-stocked refrigerator before his brain completely froze up from shock and he passed out in the kitchen. 

The next morning he woke up and was surprised to find himself still in the mansion and the house still solid. On the off chance that it wasn't an hallucination, he said to himself, "I wish I were rich." 

POOF! Not much happened, actually, but when he checked the mailbox, there were statements from a number of investment accounts that gave him an income that while nowhere near that of Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, was substantially more respectable than several major sports personalities'. 

Bob remembered the genie's last words to him, "Use them wisely," and decided to hold off using his third wish until he really needed it. 

About a year later, he was cruising up the coast highway in his vintage Bentley roadster, listening to a seventies rock station and singing along. A jingle he remembered from his childhood came on the radio and he absent-mindedly joined in: 
"Oh I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener..." 
POOF!

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, December 24, 2018 4:45 PM

Ah, yes! Be careful what you wish for.

Johnny

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Posted by 54light15 on Monday, December 24, 2018 6:10 PM

My first wish is a night with the 1945 Jane Russell. Second, a type 35 Bugatti. Third, 1,000 more wishes. 

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Monday, December 24, 2018 6:57 PM

@54light15:  You might have to be chaperoned by her husband, Bob Waterfield, UCLA and Rams, Football Hall of Famer, etc.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by 54light15 on Tuesday, December 25, 2018 11:42 AM

Yeah, I forgot about that guy. In which case, I'll take the 1949 Sophia Loren. Pretty sure that she was single at the time. 

This is a true story!

About ten years ago, Sophia released her cookbook. She was signing copies at a book store in Toronto. I bought one and stood in line for over two hours. When she signed my copy I said, "Mille grazie." She looked at me and smiled. 

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Friday, April 26, 2019 11:01 PM
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a Cat Have Died and Gone to Heaven
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
 
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to
my master."
 
"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you 
believe in?"
 
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my
master."
 
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
 
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
 
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."

 

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by Shadow the Cats owner on Saturday, April 27, 2019 9:08 PM

This one is from one of my acid tank driver's.  What do you get whenever a load of SO4 and bleach get mixed in an accident.  A self cleaning hazmat spill that cleans up anything caught up in the area of the spill.

 

Yes my driver's have a very twisted sense of humor at times.  I have heard some things that even an undertaker would puke.  

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Posted by tree68 on Sunday, April 28, 2019 6:51 AM

Shadow the Cats owner
Yes my driver's have a very twisted sense of humor at times.  I have heard some things that even an undertaker would puke.  

EMS humor is often quite dark.

Like the motorcyclist who was riding in cold weather, so he turned his leather jacket around as a better shield from the cold.  Unfortunately, he had an accident.  It was later said that he probably would have survived had rescuers not tried to turn his head back around...

OTOH, one of the speakers in an EMS class I attended this weekend put a slight twist on a hazmat "rule" we often joke about.  

The "rule of thumb" is commonly cited for firefighters - if your thumb can cover the hazmat scene, you're far enough away...

For law enforcement, it's always been the donut hole rule - if you can see the entire hazmat scene through a donut hole, you're far enough away.  The new twist is that it has to be a powdered donut.  That way, you know that if the powdered sugar is blowing away from you, you have your back to the wind...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Sunday, April 28, 2019 6:58 AM

Dark humor is a psychological coping mechanism to help protect themselves from the horror they are exposed to regularly.

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by JPS1 on Sunday, April 28, 2019 8:37 AM

Paul of Covington
A German Shepherd, a Doberman and a Cat Have Died and Gone to Heaven
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
 
The German shepherd says: "I believe in discipline training and loyalty to
my master."
 
"Good," says God. "Then sit down on my right side. Doberman, what do you 
believe in?"
 
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection of my
master."
 
Ah," said God. "You may sit to my left."
 
Then he looks at the cat and asks, "And what do you believe in?"
 
The cat answers: "I believe you're sitting in my seat."  

 
You got it!  Sounds like you may be owned by a cat or two.  
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Posted by Shadow the Cats owner on Sunday, April 28, 2019 9:12 AM

3 cats and 1 dog here the cats run the house the dog is their whipping boy.  

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Posted by Santa Fe Fan on Sunday, April 28, 2019 9:39 AM

In regards  to cat dog comment, saw a sign post on you tube, stating Dogs have masters, Cats have staff....Oh so true!!! Have a Great Day!!!

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Sunday, April 28, 2019 9:44 PM

JPS1
Sounds like you may be owned by a cat or two.

   No, but I've always admired an independent spirit.

   I recently heard that a study had determined that contrary to popular belief, cats do recognize their name.   I guess they just choose not to respond.

__________

  Come here, Dog!

  Here I am!  Here I am!  pant, pant.

  What do you want?   What do you want?  pant, pant.

 

  Come here, Cat!

  ...........

  ...........

  Why?

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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