The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:38 PM

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me...

   

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:56 PM

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from New York, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

The New York contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New York contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." 

   

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Sunday, April 29, 2018 12:50 AM

   On the importance of understanding grammar, spelling and punctuation:

OOPS

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Tuesday, May 29, 2018 7:49 PM

When I retired several years ago I was concerned that without the pressures of a job I might need something to help keep my mind active.
 
I have tried computer games, but they get old after a while... I mean, you can only play Minesweeper just so many times!
 
I tried doing some computer programming and have written a few programs, but the needs to do so just are not there as I cannot find anything of interest to code a program to do.
 
I have done a few special Excel spreadsheets for a budget and income tracking, but that is now just a fill in the blanks type of thing and not very challenging.
 
Sudoku has become ho-hum, especially since I wrote an Excel spreadsheet to solve them for me.
 
Crossword puzzles have gotten boring as they all seem to have the same silly clues for the same obscure words.
 
A month or so ago I decided I really needed something else, so I bought a jigsaw puzzle (of a train, what else?) that indicated it was quite difficult to do.  I am very proud to announce that in only two weeks I have managed to assemble the jigsaw puzzle, and that assembly time is quite a bit better than the time indicated on the box... it listed "3 to 5 years".
 
Since I did so well with that one that I decided to get a couple more to do.
 
The first one indicates on the box that it is a drawing of a large rooster, but when I spread the pieces out on the table I realized I have no idea where to start with this one.  I can find no edge pieces and all the colors are just a dull redish brown.
 
I called a friend of mine to come over to take a look to see if maybe he could get me started somehow.  He took one look and went to the kitchen and got a bowl and a spoon, some sugar and milk.  He then proceeded to scrape some of the puzzle pieces off the table and into the bowl, sprinkled on some sugar and then doused them with a portion of milk.  Then he ATE them!  Just before he left, he said that if I would put the remaining pieces back in the box he'd come back again tomorrow for more breakfast.
 
Because he ruined that puzzle, I don't think I will invite him over to work on the puzzle with the picture of the tiger on the box.
  

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 07, 2018 5:07 PM

A passenger train is creeping slowly along. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

“What’s going on?” she yells out of the window.

”Cow on the track!” replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later the train resumes its slow pace but within five minutes it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking past again.She leans out of the window and yells “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow?”

   

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 07, 2018 5:14 PM

Passenger: “What’s the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late?”

Conductor: “How would we know if we're late, if we didn’t have a schedule?”

 

 

   

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 07, 2018 5:21 PM

You might be a railfan if…

* You’ve been questioned more than once by the police asking, “What are you doing parked by the tracks?”

* The crossing lights start flashing in your review mirror and you make a “U” turn to be first in line at the grade crossing.

* You time your errands around town based on the train schedule to spot trains and get groceries.

* While stopped at a RR Crossing for a long train, the other drivers are swearing and shaking their fists, but you’re smiling and waving at the engineer & conductor.

* You’re in your car and you come up to a railroad crossing. The crossing lights are not flashing and no trains are coming, but you slow to a crawl and look up the track both ways in hope of seeing a train.

* You find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when you’re watching old cop shows and movies on TV.

* People look at you funny as they drive by while you are standing out in the middle of nowhere by a railroad track with a tripod and a camera.

   

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Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, August 07, 2018 8:45 PM

Hey, I thought this was a humor thread...I resemble most of these, and don't think they're funny!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by Shadow the Cats owner on Tuesday, August 07, 2018 9:43 PM

This one is from my hubby and should show the humor he had to keep when dealing with some of the many people that made his days way back when Hell. Now remember he was an OTR driver so nothing is railroad related.  

 

You know you're going to have a bad day at the Banning scale house when you pull into it the scalemaster goes around back and hands you a tube of vasoline and says relax.

 

You're delivery schedule is blown up when you pull into the Tyson plant and they go your chicken is still at the farmers barn 200 miles away and your wanted in California in 40 hours. 

 

Time to get a hotel for the night when you hear on the CB radio well that's going to leave a mark you ask what happened and find out a fuel tanker and LOX tanker played bumper cars ruptured both and the road is closed for 40 miles.  

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, August 08, 2018 10:48 AM

CShaveRR
...I resemble most of these...,

Thumbs Up

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, August 15, 2018 2:35 PM

A Priest and a Rabbi buy a new car together. The Priest splashes the car with holy water; the Rabbi asks why. Priest says "to bless our new car". So the Rabbi cuts 2" off the tailpipe.

====================================================

Two blonde women were talking; one says, "I had sex with a Brazillian". The other says, "Wow! How many is that?"

====================================================

A man walks in to a psychiatrist's office wrapped only in Saran Wrap. The doc says, "Quite clearly I can see you're nuts".

====================================================

The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.

   

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 14, 2018 11:48 AM

Two atoms meet on the street. One says to the other, “How are you?”
The other says, “Terrible. I’ve lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m positive.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" 
The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge."

   

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 14, 2018 11:51 AM

Q: What do you get when you take the sun and divide its circumference by its diameter?
A: Pi in the sky.

==========================================

Q. Why should you never start a conversation with Pi?
A. It'll just go on forever.

==========================================

Q. Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
A. Sir Cumference. (Too much Pi.) 

   

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 14, 2018 12:28 PM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson.

It's obvious that he has his hands full, what with the child screaming at the top of his lungs for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a calm, controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be much longer ... easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little bastard's name is Charlie."

   

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Posted by zugmann on Friday, September 14, 2018 12:54 PM

I was behind a man at the ATM.  The whole time while at the machine, he was standing on one foot, wildly flailing his arms.  When asked what he was doing, he replied:  "I'm just checking my balance!"

 

I'll show myself out.

 The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer or any other railroad, company, or person.

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, September 14, 2018 6:22 PM

I called the Tinnitus hotline.  It just kept ringing...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, September 15, 2018 9:10 AM

A Sweet Young Thing and a Big Man on Campus are out for a drive.

SYT: "Use both hands!"

BMOC: I can't; I need one to drive."

Johnny

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