The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Saturday, September 16, 2017 11:28 AM

 

This is a story about the great violinist, Sergio Knockety.

Mr. Knockety was quite a snob about his music.  He insisted that everything be done "his way" and in "his time".  And he insisted that he would only play opera music.  He was so obsessed by opera that he was nicknamed, "Opera" by the press and his (not quite) peers.

He was invited to play with a large European orchestra, and accepted the invitation on the provisio that they would only play pieces from great operas.

On the night of the event, he was the first to arrive and was quite agitated that the others were late.  They also were spending too much time chatting with each other, but since he did not speak the language there, he was left out of all the visiting.

He became more and more agitated as the time to began drew near; everybody was still joking and laughing.  He incensed with the waste of time, so he hit upon the idea of going to the piano and striking the key to begin the tuning process.

He hit the key and nobody paid any attention.  He struck the key harder, but it did no good.  So, he struck the key many times as hard as he could.  No one paid any attention to him, so he raised his violin to his shoulder and began to tune it up to match the tone from the piano.

He then returned to his chair, fuming that no one else was getting their instruments ready.

Finally, the members of the orchestra settled down, the pianist struck the key, and everybody started tuning their instruments.

Everybody except, Opera, that is!

The violinst sitting next to Opera, leaned over and asked in broken English, "Why you no tune your violin with us?"

Mr. Knockety looked at him in disgust and said,

"Everybody know that Opera Knockety only tunes once!"

 

Semper Vaporo

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Posted by wanswheel on Friday, December 22, 2017 2:53 AM

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:08 PM

As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:17 PM

It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty."

The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?"

The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away, and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been to together."

The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?"

The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:20 PM

 

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:31 PM

I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.

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Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."

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Molecule 1: I just lost an electron. 
Molecule 2: Are you sure? 
Molecule 1: I’m positive.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do you want to know how often I say element jokes? Periodically.

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, February 3, 2018 1:38 PM

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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Posted by samfp1943 on Sunday, February 4, 2018 3:50 PM

Counter showing "666"...

Enough BAD NEWS for this date!  {RIP CREW AMTRK #91}SighSigh

Definition: Elephant

Answer: An Elephant is a Mouse built to Government Specifications.  Whistling

Counter now should read '667'  Huh?

Sam

 

 


 

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Tuesday, February 6, 2018 7:46 PM

A little quiz:

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

 


1. Monica Lewinsky
 
2. Spiro Agnew
 
3. Benito  Mussolini
 
4. Adolf Hitler
 
5. Jorge Bergoglio
 
6. Alfonse Capone
 
7.  Vladimir Putin
 
8. Linda Lovelace
 
9. Saddam Hussein
 
10. Tiger  Woods

 


You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

 

 

You know  all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, and cheaters,  but you don't know the Pope??

 


Lovely, just  lovely...

 

 

 

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   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, February 6, 2018 7:59 PM

Paul of Covington
You had trouble with #5, didn't you?

Alas, if you listed the real names of the last 10 popes, you'd probably come up with a lot of blanks.

LarryWhistling
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Posted by BaltACD on Tuesday, February 6, 2018 9:09 PM

Paul of Covington
A little quiz:

Which of the following names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
 
2. Spiro Agnew
 
3. Benito  Mussolini
 
4. Adolf Hitler
 
5. Jorge Bergoglio
 
6. Alfonse Capone
 
7.  Vladimir Putin
 
8. Linda Lovelace
 
9. Saddam Hussein
 
10. Tiger  Woods
You had trouble with #5, didn't you? 
You know  all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, and cheaters,  but you don't know the Pope??

Lovely, just  lovely...

If Pope's went by their parent given names while they were Pope, we might.  Pope's change their names like they are in Witness Protection!

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Tuesday, February 6, 2018 9:17 PM

   Excuses, excuses.

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by blue streak 1 on Tuesday, February 6, 2018 11:44 PM

BaltACD

If Pope's went by their parent given names while they were Pope, we might.  Pope's change their names like they are in Witness Protection!

 

 
Not far behind are the kings and Queens of the UK .
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Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 8:11 AM

Yes, how many people in this country would recognize the family name Saxe Cobourg-Gotha? There were two English kings with this name: Edward VII and George V. The name was changed to Windsor during the Great War (WW I). Also, Edward VII and George VI were known in the family as Bertie, and Edward VIII was David.

Johnny

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Posted by BaltACD on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 8:12 AM

blue streak 1
 
BaltACD

If Pope's went by their parent given names while they were Pope, we might.  Pope's change their names like they are in Witness Protection! 

 
Not far behind are the kings and Queens of the UK .

I believe, maybe mistakenly, that the Monarchs of the UK do use their given first names.  The last name is rarely publicized.

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Posted by Overmod on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 12:48 PM

Deggesty
Yes, how many people in this country would recognize the family name Saxe Cobourg-Gotha?

Or would know who Batty  Betty Battenberg is? 

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Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 1:29 PM

Overmod

 

 
Deggesty
Yes, how many people in this country would recognize the family name Saxe Cobourg-Gotha?

 

Or would know who Batty  Betty Battenberg is? 

 

I kinda doubt that she was called "Betty." When she dies, the House of Windsor is gone. 

How many are aware that her father was the fourth and last Emperor of India?

Johnny

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Posted by Overmod on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 2:02 PM

Deggesty
How many are aware that her father was the fourth and last Emperor of India?

or that her uncle-in-law was essential in making sure her father would be the last?

In part I think we have Winston Churchill to thank for the continuation of the name of Windsor ... he did not much care for the haste in shucking that part of the Empire or the bloodshed that followed, or the person who pursued that course seemingly so avidly...

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Posted by Miningman on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 2:21 PM

Still a lot of monarchists up here in the colonies, errr, Canada. Not me. Just a bunch of hooey, ditch 'em. Australia darn near did but chickened out.

One possible good usage would be to resurrect in a big way the Commonwealth worldwide as a major trading block, including India, Suadi Arabia, perhaps even China. Now that would be a big economic zone with some serious cojones. 

Of course I'm battling the flu and a bit delusional. 

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Posted by wanswheel on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 3:00 PM

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Posted by 54light15 on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 3:47 PM

Don't the two princes go by the last name of Windsor?  As I understand it, Phil calls her Lilibet. 

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Posted by Overmod on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 5:06 PM

54light15
Don't the two princes go by the last name of Windsor?

Mountbatten-Windsor, officially (the Anglicization of Battenberg inside the UK).

 The princes usually go by 'royal styles' (either using just a title or their first and middle names).  Since 1960 if any family member were for some reason to have to use a surname, Mountbatten-Windsor would be it.

And yes, 'Lilibet'; I think it's what Philip has called her since they were in their teens, and most of the family has come to use it.

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Wednesday, February 7, 2018 9:23 PM

   Isn't it fascinating how conversations evolve?

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Wednesday, April 18, 2018 9:38 PM

What do you have if you desire to crash a train?

--------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------

A loco motive.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by wanswheel on Thursday, April 19, 2018 1:11 AM

Semper Vaporo

A loco motive.

And what do have if you desire to crash 2 trains?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A crush on Katy

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 8:30 PM

{I altered Paul's post a bit to suit my motivation for mischief}

Paul of Covington

A little quiz: Which of the following names are you familiar with?  
1. Monica Lewinsky  
2. Spiro Agnew  
3. Benito  Mussolini  
4. Adolf Hitler  
5. Donald Trump
6. Alfonse Capone  
7. Vladimir Putin  
8. Linda Lovelace  
9. Saddam Hussein  
10. Tiger  Woods  

You had trouble figuring out which ones were the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, and cheaters, didn't you?

 

Answer: They all are!!

Mischief

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 8:40 PM

Two fathers and two sons sat down to eat eggs for breakfast. They ate exactly three eggs, each person had an egg. The riddle is for you to explain how.

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Three guys rent a hotel room for the night. When they get to the hotel they pay the $$\$30 $$ fee, then go up to their room. Soon the bellhop brings up their bags and gives the lawyers back $5 because the hotel was having a special discount that weekend. So the three lawyers decide to each keep one of the $5 dollars and to give the bellhop a $2 tip. However, when they sat down to tally up their expenses for the weekend the could not explain the following details:

Each one of them had originally paid $10 (towards the initial $30), then each got back $1 which meant that they each paid $9. Then they gave the bellhop a $2 tip. HOWEVER, 3 • $9 + $2 = $29

The guys couldn't figure out what happened to the other dollar. After all, the three paid out $30 but could only account for $29.

 

This post is not exactly humor, but perhaps maybe a bit of fun.

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:11 PM

Last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:12 PM

zardoz

Two fathers and two sons sat down to eat eggs for breakfast. They ate exactly three eggs, each person had an egg. The riddle is for you to explain how.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys rent a hotel room for the night. When they get to the hotel they pay the $$\$30 $$ fee, then go up to their room. Soon the bellhop brings up their bags and gives the lawyers back $5 because the hotel was having a special discount that weekend. So the three lawyers decide to each keep one of the $5 dollars and to give the bellhop a $2 tip. However, when they sat down to tally up their expenses for the weekend the could not explain the following details:

Each one of them had originally paid $10 (towards the initial $30), then each got back $1 which meant that they each paid $9. Then they gave the bellhop a $2 tip. HOWEVER, 3 • $9 + $2 = $29

The guys couldn't figure out what happened to the other dollar. After all, the three paid out $30 but could only account for $29.

 

This post is not exactly humor, but perhaps maybe a bit of fun.

Well... ya see... two accountants came in later and got a room... they were charged $20 for it, so each paid $10 and went up to settle in.  The bell hop brought their bags up and like for the 3 lawyers, said they had been overcharged by $5, so he gave them five $1 bills in refund.  The two accountants decided the bell hop was so nice to have brought the bags and the refund that they gave him a $3 tip... so, each paid $9 and the bell hop got $3... thus 2 * $9 + $3 = $21... leave it to the accountants to figure out how to get the whole thing to add up right and restore the missing $1.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Deggesty on Thursday, April 19, 2018 9:16 PM

The two fathers and two sons eating a total of three eggs is simple--a man, his son (also a man), and the son's son.

I hope the lawyers never had to teach math. 

Each one paid, $8 1/3 for the room, and each one tipped the bellhop $2/3--which adds up to $27.00; this + $1 each adds up to $30.00.

Johnny

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