Light Rail Service to Vine Arbour Begins

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Light Rail Service
to Vine Arbour Begins
Rosebud Falls (12 Mar. 1906)
On The GRAPEvine today:

Rosebud Falls Scenic Railways began its much anticipated light rail passenger service to Vine Arbour and on out to Rosebud Flats today. RbFSRy President, Douglas Flatbottom hosted a ribbon cutting ceremony out in the vineyards of Vine Arbour to officially open light rail service through the valley out to Rosebud Flats.

During the ceremony Mr. Flatbottom declared light passenger rail service through the valley to be completed. Heavy freight service will begin in time for this years apple harvest in Green Apple Orchard, the last community to be serviced by the RbFSRy. Mr. Flatbottom announced that the next major project for the RbFSRy will be passenger trolley service up to the top of Rosebud Falls. The Falls climb will be mostly accomplished by timber bridging, and Mr. Flatbottom stated that RbFSy will begin hiring lumber and heavy timber crews during the month of April. It is his intent to have passenger service open by Halloween, to alleviate the long arduous climb to the top of the Falls for the Annual Halloween Festival.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Dear Mr. Flatbottom,

It is our understanding that the villinous Major Carrales has entered a bid to supply you with the timber you intend to use to construct your bridging up to the top of Rosebud Falls. Please be advised that the area of Texas which is served by his N&M railroad offers only cottonwood , tumbleweed, and other worthless woodlike products; not even fit to make pulp for toilet paper!

On the other hand, if you can tear his attention from the rebuilding and modernization of the Dixie D Shortline Railroad, Mr. Tangerine Jack has access to ample supplies of Long Leaf Southern Pine which, for a nominal fee, he would be most happy to supply to such a distinguished compatriot as you! Along with a goodly portion of your common stock; The proceeds of such a generous offering of assistance should even pay off his cost of rebuild, and possibly even the aquisition of some new right of way into those pine forests!

Should other sources of timber fail to meet your needs, the Round Tuit & Faraway does own the timber rights to a multitude of acres of fine Delaware Oak, and a more than modest amount of cypress. Bear in mind that the rarity of those fine products does tend to increase the cost, but they are also superior! RT&F does indeed have many interchange agreements so getting the product to you will not pose a problem, as long as you still own Sutter's Farm, and Carrales, Jack, and myself get what we deem our fair share!

At your service, and hoping to help an old buddy out;
The Floating Capt.

[tangerine-jack]

To the Editor,

Sir,

Since the mega-merger of the DDSL and RT&F, I am in a unique position to donate to your railroad a large supply of high quality Virginia pine for sundry projects. Virginia Pine, as you are no doubt aware, is known worldwide as the preferred wood for many projects due to its superior color, strength uniformity of grain and workability. In return for this generous donation we only ask that you place a miniature version DDSL/RT&F logo on all your locomotives and rolling stock in the upper right hand corner of your herald, in a position where a trademark logo would normally appear.

Feel free to stop by any of our worldwide offices, or if you are in the area of our corporate headquarters then go to Helen Waite, our secretarial manager, for information on further details.

Your humble servant,

Tangerine-Jack

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Dear Mr. Flatbottom,

I have had consultation with my chief of Engineering, Mr. Chewy Gum Ducttape, who also conferred with the local Cooperative Extention Service of the University; and I am informed to advise you not to use your Californie Redwood as over time it tends to splinter, particularly on the weathered surfaces!

Said splintering will indoubitably mean that eventually you will be faced with a veritable plethora of lawsuits brought by parents of children who try to climb on your bridgeworks and get stuck by those same splinters.

Now if you want to take advantage of Jack's most generous offer, may I suggest that you save funding by utilizing the RT&F's wholly owned subsidiary of Leaky Sloboat Lines to ship your lumber out of the very fine Port of Wilmington, DE or any of the magnificent Delaware River Ports such as Philadelphia, PA or Camden, NJ!

RT&F would stand ready, at a small expense, to meet the Dixie D's carfloat at the Little Creek Terminal and provide rail service to the port of export! You should be further advised that Leaky Sloboat Lines does not utilize the services of any Arabic controlled companies in loading or discharging our vessels! (My personal tailor is indeed Omar the Tentmaker, but my business relationship with him extends some 50 years)

As always, ole pard!
The floating Capt.

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Scenic Railways
Office of the President

Tangerine-Jack
The Dixie D Short Line

The Floating Capt.
RT&F

Dear Sirs:

RbFSRy has no need of your inferior timber products. We currently own and are preparing to harvest fifteen square miles of Pinyon Pine and Utah Juniper. This forest preserve has enough first class timber to last the RbSFRy for the next fifty years. Ample supply of timber exists to compensate for any gross splitting and warpage. The most generous offers from both parties are greatly appreciated but not necessary.

Mr. Tangerine-Jack

Would you have any concept as to the large void after The Capt.'s last missive, or is just more of his hot air?

Sincerely
Douglas Flatbottom
President RbFSRy

[tangerine-jack]

Douglas Flatbottom
President RbFSRy,

Sir,

Awww, so sorry to hear about your trees. Allow me to offer my condolences and restate my offer of free timber (plus a nominal shipping fee) to aid you through your personal time of strife.

AP services: fifteen square miles of Pinyon Pine and Utah Juniper near the RbSFRy goes up in flames. Local authorities suspect poor forest management and lightning as the cause of the blaze.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Cheez Jack, I hope you didn't give Vinnie a ticket to travel in a more Northerly direction! I'm sure that I routed Mr. Kneecap around the Tidewater region and through the Corpus Christi area to get out to California! I sure hope those boys didn't get off the train in Premont, TX.; but then again--------!

Ain't it a shame how Doug Flatbottom's forest burned just as he was ready to harvest it?
Maybe we can offer some small recompense to those lumbermen he had hired and put them to work in our woodlands getting his timber ready for delivery!

Regards,
The floating Capt.

[ttrigg]

Rosebud Falls Gazette
Charter Member of the Garden Railways Associated Press Enterprises
Published by Acme Enterprises

Fire Devastates Local Forest
Arson Suspect Detained
Rosebud Falls (14 Mar. 1906)
On The GRAPEvine today:



Fire continues to ravage the local forests, "It could take weeks to put out the blaze" said Fire Marshal Capt. L. Otta Beukeets. Beukeets said from all indications the fire was deliberately set. At the old trappers cabin on Ghost Hill the fire marshal and sheriff found the remains of several kegs of kerosene and used safety flares. Sheriff Igotta Star stated that he had a suspect in custody, one Vinnie DaTorch, who was until recently employed by The Dixie D Short Line. The sheriff stated that there have been some rather hard feelings between the larger railroad companies of late, beginning with the recent assault upon local fisherman Piccolo Pete. He believes that this fire is just another episode in the long battle between the railroads.

RbFSRy President Douglas Flatbottom assures local residents who had just begun to apply for work building the trestle bridge to the top of the falls, "that work will continue as planned as sufficient lumber had already been harvested and that a second stand of local timer belonging to Mr. Ben Cartwright and sons has been contracted." The Cartwright family has been know to jealously defend their Ponderosa Estate. On several occasions they have been know to shoot first and ask questions later. Ben Cartwright, a valued civic leader and benefactor of the Rosebud Falls Symphony, said that "all those towns folks who had just hired on with the rail road will be put to work on the Ponderosa." His middle son Hoss, said that "all those hooligans from back east will not live long enough to regret ever setting foot in Rosebud Falls."

Construction on the trestle bridge to the falls will begin shortly after the spring snow melt. Local saw mills continue to produce bridge quality timers at a previously unheard of rate.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Memo
From: The floating Capt.
To: Tangerine Jack, Pres., Dixie D SLRR

Text:

Jack, If I've told you oncet, I've told you a hunnert times to keep that Vinny away from the sauce! Now he done went and got hisself caught! I hope he sobers up real quick and can talk himself outta this one!

I sent a telegram to Angelo T. Kneecap to contact Vinny with some kinda story, and line up some witnesses to back it up! Perhaps we can wiggle him out of this before we have to call in the big boys from the big city up north!

By the way, you got any kinda leverage on this Cartwright fella? Him or his boys been visitin one of your houses or anything? Maybe you oughtta check with the girls and see if they know anything?

I can't wait til Ole Flatbottom starts getting the bills from all those sawmills we bought up last month! He's gonna have a conniption!

[Capt Bob Johnson]

LETTER TO THE EDITOR, ROSEBUD FALLS GAZETTE

Bullheaded Flatbottom Costing Local People Money

Please be advised that that bullheaded Douglas Flatbottom, president of the Rosebud Falls Senic Railway, is, through his obstinate refusal to accept the generous offers of assistance from Eastern Railroad Moguls, ultimately going to cause local residents a pile of money in transportation and associated costs.

Already, his insistence on using local timber for his bridgeworks, has caused him to use timber supplied by that thief Cartwright and his boys! The chinese Cook at the Ponderosa, Mr. Hop Sing, reports that they are drinkin' laughin' and carousin around about how much they're gonna make on the deal! He's just gonna have to charge more to ride the rails once he gets the new extention built!

People are now going to have to pay a lot more for lumber even to build thier homes because Mr. Flatbottom's obstinance has forced Eastern influences to buy up all the local sawmills and correspondingly jack up the prices to pay for them and make them quite profitable!

The average person should not take a sit back and see what happens attitude in this matter as it is winding up costing them money: Example, The cost of interchange rights to get the newsprint to your presses has doubled due to the need to pay for the lumber mills, and as yet undetermined expenses in the matter of Vinny Testosterone!

The Floating Capt., Pres. RT&F
Tangerine Jack, Pres. Dixie D SLRR

[Puckdropper]

Dear Editor:

What's newsprint? Do you even print on that antiqued stuff anymore?

[Capt Bob Johnson]

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. PUCKDROPPER

Sir, newsprint is that thin, less processed paper which comes in big rolls weighing about one and a half tons apiece. Its major use is by the print media in making the daily newspaper you peer at whilst sipping your morning coffee; thus, the name newsprint.

Very large amounts of newsprint are brought into the country from Eastern Canada and Finland by the shipload through the Northeastern Ports. It is offloaded from the ships, stored in large warehouses, and then distributed nationwide on an as needed or just in time basis.

Mr. Jack's Dixie D SLRR serves the area of Tidewater Virginia which includes the ports of Norfolk, Hampton Roads, Portsmouth, Richmond, and others. The Round Tuit & Faraway serves all the Delaware River Ports such as Salem, NJ, Wilmington, DE, Chester, PA, the new South Jersey Port Facility at Paulsboro, NJ, Philadelphia, PA. Camden, NJ, Morrisville, PA, and right up to the head of navigation at Trenton, NJ. Both railroads also serve the Maryland Port of Baltimore through interchange rights as it lies between our major areas of service.

You may rest assured that newsprint is indeed a very important revenue commodity carried by our excellent, and modern equipment! Mr. Jack is so obsessed with utilizing modern power to operate his Dixie D that he recently replaced one of his wood burning engines with one that burns coal! Can you imagine such rapid progress?

I trust that this answers your question concerning newsprint, and indicates its pertinence in today's world; it is not really antiquated!

Another public service of the RT&F
The Floating Capt., President, CEO, COO, CFO, & Chairman

[tangerine-jack]

Memo
From: Tangerine Jack, Pres., Dixie D SLRR
To: The floating Capt, RT&F RR

This is to notify you that Vinnie Testosterone, Angelo T. Kneecap, Vinnie DaTorch, Mr. Aggri Gate, and Vinnie Neanderthal of the Dixie D SL security division, have quit the security enforcement job market to return to what they know best, impersonating the Village People.

“This doesn’t come as much of a surprise” said Tangerine-Jack of the Dixie D SL, “Vinnie and his friends have always had a strong creative drive. Their recent escapades against some Western railroads were merely used as a creative outlet. As much fun as they had breaking arms and setting fires out west, they are much happier being who they really are inside”


AP press photo: Vinnie Testosterone (Cop), Aggri Gate (cowboy), Vinnie Neanderthal (construction worker) and Angelo T. Kneecap (GI) perform YMCA once again for the public. It is believed that the Indian is actually Douglas Flatbottom of Rosebud Falls.



Naturally, protests sprang up in 18 Arab countries when the news of the performance was made public. “We don’t even know who these people are or what a YMCA is, but we are protesting anyway!” said Hassnt Bin-Sober, a student of Qatar University while burning a Laotian flag. “Down with George Bush!” chanted an angry mob outside the Canadian embassy in Swaziland. More protests are expected in the next few days while peacemakers scramble to control the situation. “It’s all George Bush’s fault” said Whinny Treehugger, leader of the Cleveland based organization “We Protest Anything”.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

Memo
From: The Floating Capt.
TO: Mr. Tangerine Jack
Re: Security force

Wasn't it one of those boys who always wore that blue shirt the one your step daughter, Miss Laura, was sweet on? Sure sounds to me like she must have started talking some pretty serious stuff like "Committment, Responsibility, and Matrimony" which scared him into taking his boys and running back up thar to Brooklyn!

I think you'd best keep her around the homestead, cause if she lays her eyes on that pretty Yellow Haired grandson of Flatbottom's we're all in trouble!

Surely you had the common sense to have some paperwork to prove they had left our employ before you went flappin your jaw about sending them out there to Californny!
Ain't no way you'd let Flatbottom or them law people he has under his wing ever trace that fire back to you, considering the public statements you made about them doing things out there, is there? Oh well, my lawyers tell me that I got my fat tail pretty well covered in that respect!

I'm a starting to wonder about you boy! I just might have to make some kind of alliance with Carrales and Flatbottom just to protect my interests! I guess I should have kept my foot on your throat before I ever let you talk me into giving you any breathing room in the merger! You'd best get with the program!

Geez, if you let Miss Laura mess this up, how am I ever gonna keep you on the dastardly side with 3 more of them girls coming on! Remember, you make me work and it's gonna cost you big time!

It's time for you to keep them women barefoot and at home and get on with the business of running a railroad!

[Capt Bob Johnson]

ROSEBUD FALLS SCENIC RR A MERGER TARGET?

There is a rumor afoot that Mr. Douglas Flatbottom of the Rosebud Falls Senic RR has been approached by some Eastern railroad mogul in a proposed merger or hostile takeover manuver! This reporter has as yet been unable to have Mr. Flatbottom respond to his query either to confirm or deny!

We understand that the recent fire which consumed the fine stand of timber the railroad owned has put a financial burden on the railroad due to some sort of mortgage complexities.

Our Managing Editor has assigned several intrepid reporters to further investigate the matter, and assures the public that he will break the news as soon as he can obtain all the details!

[tangerine-jack]

Memo
From: Tangerine Jack, Pres., Dixie D SLRR
To: The floating Capt, RT&F RR
Re: termination of employees engaged in illegal activities.

Whether or not there is evidence to the fact that all said personages were fired from the DDSL/RT&F before any illegal activities took place, rest assured I will find it and have it properly filed for public scrutiny. Here on the Dixie D we are Southern, not stupid.

I planted some Holley bushes under Miss Laura's window last night, so as to allay any fears you may have of her breaking up our merger. Believe me, there are plenty enough boys in the future to have made the 12 gauge swivel mount for my bedroom window a wise investment .

Although the Vinnies are happily dancing away to "macho man" up North, I've got plenty more financial muscle to pull against the corrupt, foreign owned Western co-op railroads. I am most distressed that Mr. Flatbottom is not seeing reason in the current lumber crisis and I assure you that mostly legal action will be taken.

Currently we are in negotiations with several European roads looking for international expansion. I will send to you, by secret courier, the current information regarding these negotiations.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

MEMO
From: The Floating Capt.
To: Tangerine Jack
RE: European negotiations

Good Lord Man, I surely hope you aren't talking to old Hans Isbrantsen's relatives there in Denmark! You know, the ones with the blue boats. You know those Arabs from Dubai had bought Sea Land from CSX a few years ago, got tangled up in operating agreements and stuff with the blue boat guys, and look who owns Sea Land now!

Almost as bad as the control of the venerable old American President Lines moving to Singapore, even though it was listed on the NYSE!

If'en you're gonna let sum furriners take over our railroads, we gotta get 3 or 4 times what we got in em to make it worth our while! On the other hand, If we sell out to them for controlling interest in their stock; we do get out from under all them labor contracts, don't we?

Just make sure you get the OK from our legal beagles afore you make any deals set in concrete.

[Capt Bob Johnson]

NEW SECURITY CHIEF AT RAILROAD
Announcement by President, CEO, COO, CFO, & Chairman

Slower Lower Delaware -- The Floating Capt., Capt. Bob Johnson, holder of any and all executive offices of any matter at the Round Tuit and Faraway Railroad, today announced that effective immediately Mr. Chop “Cleaver” Suey, who reportedly was lately affiliated with a Worldwide association of Chinese derivation, will be assuming the duties as Chief of Security for the RT&F. Mr. Suey will also have ancillary duties advising the Dixie D Shortline RR in security matters.

“Customers of those railroads may rest assured that no one will get to their valuable cargos before we do!” averred Mr. Jack of the Dixie D, who also serves as a special projects advisor to the RT&F.

Through an interpreter Mr. Suey said “I know not your language, but I werry well understand the international language of save yourself! With the help of my men I can scare the living saaki out of anybody who go against the wishes of my employer! I make Sushi out of them!”

[tangerine-jack]

The Dixie D is proud to announce a new chief advisor of security, Mr Chop "Cleaver" Suey. Mr. Suey will be taking over all responsibilities of security and contract enforcement operations for the DDSL effective immediatly. Mr Suey is expected to hire an all new staff of his choosing very soon.

"I am most honored to have Mr. Suey on my staff" stated Tangerine-Jack of the DDSL, "he comes to us highly recommended and I expect he will sort out our security mess with a little more grace than our prior employees showed. The only concern I have is that so far all applicants to the security jobs have been wearing black pajamas."


AP photo: Mr. Chop “Cleaver” Suey, new security chief of the DDSL

[Capt Bob Johnson]

DIGNITARY MISSING

Rosebud Falls --- Mr. Douglas Flatbottom has apparently been missing for several days! Sherriff Igotta Star said this morning "Nobody's seen or heard anything from him in several days!" He continued to say "We are actively pursuing all leads. It was rumored that he went off to New York City to appear with some sort of singing and dancing group, but we haven't been able to confirm anything as yet!"

Mrs. Flatbottom is beside herself. "He dragged me all the way out here from Texas last year so's he could run this railroad, and I don't know anybody around here very well." she cried. She added, "We were supposed to leave this week to go East to York, PA to attend that big new equipment show where he hoped to find a new locomotive at a bargin price, and I was going to meet with my cousin Hattie and go to the quilting show in Lancaster."

Some people are whispering that Mr. Aggri Gate of the Cement Shoes Redi Mix Concrete Company was displaying a strange smirky smile when he was seen at the local Bistro having his evening repast!

Ms. Whinny Treehugger is staging a protest because it would appear that nobody is there to run the RbFSRy, and she thinks that to be atrocious!

Anyone who has any definate information as to the whereabouts and wellbeing of Mr. Flatbottom is urged to contact Sherriff Star as quickly as possible so that the case can be closed.

[tangerine-jack]

Mr. Chop "Cleaver" Suey announces hiring the first three new security guards for the DDSL/RT&F Railroads.
"I am most pleased my friends agreed to join me in my new employment" stated Mr. Suey.

"These guys are wierd, but I like the results they get." Said the Foating Captain of the RT&F.
"Odd bunch of fellows, but they got a deadbeat to pay up this morning." Said Tangerine-Jack of the DDSL, " I expect the guy to be out of the hospital next week."

AP Photo, from left to right, Mr. Hu Mei, Mr. Yung Buk, and Mr. Kung Pao Kitten

[Capt Bob Johnson]

MEMO
From: The floating Capt.
To: Tangerine Jack
Re: The missing Flatbottom

I saw that newspaper article where it said old Flatbottom had gone missing! I haven't seen or heard anything since then. Do you suppose it would be worthwhile for one of us to go out there and see if the Widdow wants to sell out?

There's gotta be a snake in the woodpile somewhere; it just ain't characteristic of him to give up or drop out that quick and easy! What's he up to? Have we left some kind of door open?

You don't suppose he and that Carrales guy down in Texas have got thier heads together and are hatching up some kind of scheme to get at us, do you?

The more I think on it the less I like it! I wonder ------------

[Capt Bob Johnson]

FLATBOTTOM FOUND SAFE AND SOUND

Rosebud Falls ----- The missing Railroad Exec. Douglas Flatbottom has been found! It seems that the ever effervescent Mrs. Flatbottom was referred to a hospital for a tune up or something, so Mr. Flatbottom laid on a special that used the Company's private car to transport his honey. Since she is considerably younger than he, he also remained at her side to comfort and console her! It is understood that they expect to return home in the very near future, and then it will be back to business as usual!

This reporter has ascertained through telegraphy that a special train carrying Mr. Tangerine Jack from the Virginia Tidewater region to the West Coast was turned around in the nether regions of Texas upon receipt of the news that Mr. Flatbottom had been found. It is said that Major Carrales of the N&M himself stood on the right of way to flag down the oncoming special train carrying Mr. Jack, and due to the extreme head of steam the crew had worked up, very narrowly missed being run over.

The Floating Capt, Pres., CEO, COO, CFO, and Chairman of the RT&F was heard to say "Well, I'm glad to hear that my friendly enemy is all right, and I hope we can get down to business again very quickly!"